Am I being irrational - Would this bother you?

[USNCVN72]

I am just over a year into a relationship with an amazing woman. I am in the process of moving in with her and we have made many plans for the future.

When we first started dating she was just out of a 20yr relationship and was dating other people. She was upfront about this as we were not exclusive at the time. She ended up sleeping with one other guy besides myself. While their sexual relationship was rather brief, they remained friends because he was going through the same breakup situation that she was. I strongly expressed my dislike of her remaining friends with him because he couldn't keep the conversations on an appropriate level. I saw it as very disrespectful to both of us and our relationship. She always insisted that she never initiated the inappropriate conversation and he was just a friend, she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I have seen some of the messages and believe this to be true.

He must have forgotten my work schedule (he only contacted her when I wasn't around) or that we allow each other to see the other's communications and sent her pictures of his dick... (just as a joke of course according to him) At that point it was either him or me... one of us was going to go... After talking about it with her I contacted him directly and made it very clear that due to his inability to remain respectful and keep conversation appropriate, he was not to contact her again and told him I would let his girlfriend (that he was living with throughout this entire ordeal) know about everything and that I have screenshots and phone records to prove everything.

He left her alone for a few months... Of course, he contacted her again... nothing inappropriate but I warned him again. He stayed away again for several months... no contact. In July he messaged her on FB.. everything innocent... a brief conversation...questions about her divorce proceedings and kids etc. I did not respond as I can live with this. She assured me that she would let me know as soon as she heard anything from him, which she has and I wholeheartedly trust her on that. In August there was more contact that was once again innocent and while I didn't like it I didn't respond. I didn't want to be that controlling ass that won't let her talk to someone if she wants.

Yesterday evening he stopped her in the parking lot on her way into work. One of those BS "just happened to be in the area...." even though he has no business being anywhere near there. Of course, since I was not around, and he knew I wouldn't be, and there is no message record of a verbal conversation, he had to mention to her how much he missed sex with her and really missed licking her pussy.

I don't know what to make of this. I do believe that she is being forthcoming and letting me know about everything. She is not one to want to hurt anyone's feeling and just rolls her eyes and blows it off as him being an idiot. The thought of this guy makes my blood turn to lava. I see this latest act as a big "screw you" to me and blatant disrespect towards her as a person and our relationship.

SOOO... my questoin to you LS world.... Am I being irrational in that I don't want him contacting her? And would it bother you if your significant other was 99% innocent in a friendship where the conversation often went to past sexual memories between them? (I say 99% because she is one that doesn't want to hurt anyone and doesn't want to tell him to never contact her again. Her glass if always full and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.)

Sorry for the rant.. thanks in advance for the response.

[salparadise]

Of course, it would bother anybody.

 

So the question now is how to deal with it. Threatening him isn't going to work... you've already tried that, and if you expose him to his gf and she dumps him over it then he has even more motivation.

 

It's up to your gf to cut him off. As long as she entertains/tolerates these advances it will continue to be an issue. You should talk to her and say how it makes you feel, that it will undermine your relationship, and that ultimately she is the only one who can put a stop to it. If she's not willing to block him and cut him off completely after him going to her workplace and being inappropriate, then she is choosing to have him in the picture over the integrity of your relationship. Hopefully she will understand do what she must. It continues because she is giving him enough encouragement (whether she realizes it or not) to make him feel bold and think he has a chance.

 

The fact that she didn't initiate the inappropriate stuff is irrelevant––she also hasn't cut it off, which is exactly the same as encouraging it.

 

If she won't cut him off because she's too nice and doesn't want to hurt his feelings... then it's a problem between you and her, not so much between you and him. This has gone beyond what you should be tolerant of... in the name of not being controlling or jealous. I think you have to make her understand that you won't tolerate it, and the ball is in her court.

[guest569]

The fact that she didn't initiate the inappropriate stuff is irrelevant––she also hasn't cut it off, which is exactly the same as encouraging it.

 

I agree with this. She is encouraging it by allowing him to continue to be a part of her life. It is completely inappropriate of both of them. Yes, the ball is in her court.

 

Yes, it absolutely would bother me. It would be a deal breaker at this point. It shouldn't be up to you to go chasing the guy away. You shouldn't have anything to do with him or her interactions, texts, Facebook. She should draw healthy boundaries and protect your relationship.

[act00]

I also agree, this is your girlfriend's issue to deal with. Her passiveness is silently encouraging him to continue pursuing her, and she is at the same time disrespectful of your relationship together and you by not putting an end to it. This isn't your fight. He has the ability to sneak around on his girlfriend, and she likewise just needs some time to sneak around on you. Her actions of not putting a solid end to this really seems like she's happy to keep that door open, and this would obviously bother me tremendously. I'm not saying she's out to cheat, but she isn't putting an end to this little tryst either.

 

You're putting a lot of anger on this guy, but some of this anger needs to be directed at your girlfriend who is not taking action to stop it. I can't tell you the number of times in my life, the women get mad at the other women for flirting and coming on to their men, as if these men hold no responsibility in the continued acts of flirtation and inappropriate behavior...don't fall into that one. This guy knows very well you are in the picture, and that's not stopping him. Yes, you have every right to be angry and bothered by his actions, but you need to also cast some of the blame on your girlfriend who needs to be very clear to him that she is no longer interested in having any type of relationship with him. I don't even think "friendship" will work in this situation, it has to be a full split.

 

This is something that would be a deal-breaker for me, and hopefully sooner over later. You can be mad at this dude all you want, but a huge burden of the blame lies on your girlfriend, and at this point, despite her open book approach to letting you in on her communications, she's not really trustworthy IMO if she can't draw precise personal boundaries and protect her relationship and the man she supposedly loves. If it's not this guy, it could be some other guy. It is not your job to hover and monitor and shoo away any unwanted male attention. She has to be able to do it.

[Gaeta]

Nowhere I read that she told him to not contact her again and if he did she'd take matter to autorities. For this reason I advice you to not move in with her and to reconcider your relationship.

 

When I met my boyfriend I had ex lover turned friend of 4 years and I did not hesitate to terminate our friendship by respect for my bf.

 

Don't date women freshly out of relationships. Your gf was married for 20 years, she needs to explore life, men, sex, before she's ready to settle again.

 

If I were you I'd end this. When I am in a relationship I don't want to deal with other women (other men in your case)

[Tribble]

It's alright saying she is too nice to cut him off but there is a difference between being too nice and not having boundaries. Personally, there is nothing wrong with staying friends with someone you've slept with but the boundaries have to be appropriate. This has gone way beyond this and friendship is no longer an option.

 

So far, you've told him to back off. He isn't and is laughing behind your back. Your gf is entertaining his communication and allowing those boundaries to be crossed. You should never have got involved and she should have cut it off at the first sign of inappropriate comments.

 

The only option here is that she tells him to leave her alone and blocks all communications with him. If she is unwilling to do that, she is putting more importance on not upsetting him than on keeping your relationship. That would be a deal breaker for me.

[d0nnivain]

Yes you are right to be upset. Everyone who has responded has correctly pointed out that she has failed to affirmatively put an end to this. I disagree that her failure to have proper boundaries because she is "too nice" is the same thing as affirmatively encouraging the behavior. I do agree that you cannot move in with her until she puts a stop to this.

 

You have to stop talking to him. You will just end up punching him & then you will be in trouble.

 

Instead sit her down. Explain that she is allowing this to continue by not being firm. Explain that it's about boundaries & that you are going to show her by example how to set some: your cohabitation is on hold until she affirmatively tells him to buzz off. That's your boundary. If she hasn't done anything in say 6 months, reevaluate where you stand in her life.

[Zahara]

I have to wonder if she likes the attention and that's why she keeps the door open.

 

She's in a relationship. She is supposed to implement boundaries that respects the relationship and prioritizes your position in her life. Not a brief FB. A woman that leaves a door open to a man who has the potential to jeopardize her relationship has her priorities screwed up.

 

Putting aside "she's nice" and "it's innocent" -- I think she does it because in she enjoys the attention she gets from him and the reaction she gets from you.

Edited September 27, 2017 by Zahara

[Popsicle]

Lots of folks think it's ok to be in a relationship or marriage and flirt with others. They think as long as you don't have sex with the other person, then you haven't really crossed any boundaries. They feel they are innocent and you can try but you'll never convince them otherwise.

[salparadise]

A woman that leaves a door open to a man who has the potential to jeopardize her relationship has her priorities screwed up.

 

I think she does it because in she enjoys the attention she gets from him and the reaction she gets from you.

 

They think as long as you don't have sex with the other person, then you haven't really crossed any boundaries. They feel they are innocent and you can try but you'll never convince them otherwise.

 

Yup. It's a character feature, a basic predisposition... even if you put your foot down and she distances from this guy long enough to get moved in with you, she will always be the nice, innocent girl who enjoys and encourages sexual attention from multiple men. Being a fundamental need, it will supersede primary relationship stability, and always be rationalized, justified and flipped... such as to blame you for being controlling, jealous, untrusting.

 

The only real solution is for men to prioritize peace of mind and relationship satisfaction over a pretty face and sweet kitty. Orbiters should be the first red flag one notices... they don't exist because she's nice.

[Cookiesandough]

This is not cool. She is playing you. If she respected you even a bit this would not be happening

Edited September 27, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[LivingWaterPlease]

Of course, since I was not around, and he knew I wouldn't be, and there is no message record of a verbal conversation, he had to mention to her how much he missed sex with her and really missed licking her pussy.

I don't know what to make of this.

 

You don't know what to make of it but other posters are explaining it well to you. This woman has no boundaries and/or is loving the attention.

 

Have a question for you. Why would you want to date a woman who would allow a guy she's not intimate with to say the above to her? That is just really gross (disrespectful to the max).

 

If a guy I was dating allowed a woman to say that type of thing to him I'd drop him cold.

[LovelyRose]

I am just over a year into a relationship with an amazing woman. I am in the process of moving in with her and we have made many plans for the future.

When we first started dating she was just out of a 20yr relationship and was dating other people. She was upfront about this as we were not exclusive at the time. She ended up sleeping with one other guy besides myself. While their sexual relationship was rather brief, they remained friends because he was going through the same breakup situation that she was. I strongly expressed my dislike of her remaining friends with him because he couldn't keep the conversations on an appropriate level. I saw it as very disrespectful to both of us and our relationship. She always insisted that she never initiated the inappropriate conversation and he was just a friend, she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I have seen some of the messages and believe this to be true.

He must have forgotten my work schedule (he only contacted her when I wasn't around) or that we allow each other to see the other's communications and sent her pictures of his dick... (just as a joke of course according to him) At that point it was either him or me... one of us was going to go... After talking about it with her I contacted him directly and made it very clear that due to his inability to remain respectful and keep conversation appropriate, he was not to contact her again and told him I would let his girlfriend (that he was living with throughout this entire ordeal) know about everything and that I have screenshots and phone records to prove everything.

He left her alone for a few months... Of course, he contacted her again... nothing inappropriate but I warned him again. He stayed away again for several months... no contact. In July he messaged her on FB.. everything innocent... a brief conversation...questions about her divorce proceedings and kids etc. I did not respond as I can live with this. She assured me that she would let me know as soon as she heard anything from him, which she has and I wholeheartedly trust her on that. In August there was more contact that was once again innocent and while I didn't like it I didn't respond. I didn't want to be that controlling ass that won't let her talk to someone if she wants.

Yesterday evening he stopped her in the parking lot on her way into work. One of those BS "just happened to be in the area...." even though he has no business being anywhere near there. Of course, since I was not around, and he knew I wouldn't be, and there is no message record of a verbal conversation, he had to mention to her how much he missed sex with her and really missed licking her pussy.

I don't know what to make of this. I do believe that she is being forthcoming and letting me know about everything. She is not one to want to hurt anyone's feeling and just rolls her eyes and blows it off as him being an idiot. The thought of this guy makes my blood turn to lava. I see this latest act as a big "screw you" to me and blatant disrespect towards her as a person and our relationship.

SOOO... my questoin to you LS world.... Am I being irrational in that I don't want him contacting her? And would it bother you if your significant other was 99% innocent in a friendship where the conversation often went to past sexual memories between them? (I say 99% because she is one that doesn't want to hurt anyone and doesn't want to tell him to never contact her again. Her glass if always full and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.)

Sorry for the rant.. thanks in advance for the response.

 

 

Your gf is NOT innocent. She claims to be and likes to think she is but she's not.

 

The guy is an absolute jerk, weirdo and a stalker. Why would a decent woman wants to keep "friendship" with someone who doesn't respect her?

 

I could understand her feeling bad and not wanting to completely cut him off if this dude is decent and a real friend. But he is definitely not. He has no respect for all of you including his gf.

 

So when the guy sends d pic and he waited at the parking lot to tell her he misses going down on her, she just rolls her eyes? So what happens if this guy just grabbed her and undress her and stick his d in her, she will still say oh I feel bad hurting his feelings and just rolls her eyes too?

 

Like others say, she has no boundaries and I'd like to think she is enjoying his attention. If someone approaches me sexually and I have no intention hooking up with them (even when I am single) I will stop them and if they don't then they will be ignored and friendship over.

 

How sure are you that your gf is not deleting any messages and only showing you appropriate ones?

 

I know it's too late. But I wouldn't even contact the guy. It has nothing to do with him. He is probably laughing at you thinking you are insecure. You should only focus on her. She has the power to cut him off. But she doesn't want to so the issue is on her.

[Echo74]

You don't know what to make of it but other posters are explaining it well to you. This woman has no boundaries and/or is loving the attention.

 

Have a question for you. Why would you want to date a woman who would allow a guy she's not intimate with to say the above to her? That is just really gross (disrespectful to the max).

 

If a guy I was dating allowed a woman to say that type of thing to him I'd drop him cold.

 

Totally agree. You really need to make sure she totally blocks the guy from her life BEFORE moving in together. Personally, I'd wait a few months to ensure that she has totally blocked him before considering moving in. If my guy needed that much attention from other women, I get rid of him. Don't be a fool.

[joseb]

You don't know what to make of it but other posters are explaining it well to you. This woman has no boundaries and/or is loving the attention.

 

Have a question for you. Why would you want to date a woman who would allow a guy she's not intimate with to say the above to her? That is just really gross (disrespectful to the max).

 

If a guy I was dating allowed a woman to say that type of thing to him I'd drop him cold.

 

Yes.

 

And I can't help but think she likes telling you to see your reaction.

[HarmonyDriven]

 

Am I being irrational in that I don't want him contacting her? And would it bother you if your significant other was 99% innocent in a friendship where the conversation often went to past sexual memories between them? (I say 99% because she is one that doesn't want to hurt anyone and doesn't want to tell him to never contact her again. Her glass if always full and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.)

Sorry for the rant.. thanks in advance for the response.

 

I agree with many of the posters here. IMO, her glass is always full.....yeah - full of shiat......

 

Sorry, but having sexual conversations with an ex-sex partner while in a so called loving, committed relationship is inappropriate. So much for 99% innocent.

 

While this guy should not be contacting her, it does not seem like she is stopping the contact. This is up to the girlfriend.

 

This does make me wonder why the girlfriend described, in detail, the sexual conversation (ie this guy missed having sex with her and missed licking her meow mix.) Why would she say this to you rather than just stating the conversation led to discussions over their past sexual relations? Makes me wonder......just curious - how is your sex life?

 

IMO, based on what you have noted, I think she just might like you getting upset....she might think it's sexy.

 

I, however, think it shows disrespect to you and most importantly - your relationship.

[shellybing]

I am just over a year into a relationship with an amazing woman. I am in the process of moving in with her and we have made many plans for the future.

When we first started dating she was just out of a 20yr relationship and was dating other people. She was upfront about this as we were not exclusive at the time. She ended up sleeping with one other guy besides myself. While their sexual relationship was rather brief, they remained friends because he was going through the same breakup situation that she was. I strongly expressed my dislike of her remaining friends with him because he couldn't keep the conversations on an appropriate level. I saw it as very disrespectful to both of us and our relationship. She always insisted that she never initiated the inappropriate conversation and he was just a friend, she wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our relationship. I have seen some of the messages and believe this to be true.

 

 

**You just contradicted yourself right there. You are making excuses for behavior that is inappropriate in a relationship. Did she leave it open for him to be inappropiate? Probably so. Just because he initiated does not mean she didn't play a role in it too. She should have asked him to stop it, or she should have been willing to let him go, knowing that the friendship was at an inappropiate level.

 

He must have forgotten my work schedule (he only contacted her when I wasn't around) or that we allow each other to see the other's communications and sent her pictures of his dick... (just as a joke of course

 

**It is never really a joke, you are getting played right there.

according to him) At that point it was either him or me... one of us was going to go... After talking about it with her I contacted him directly and made it very clear that due to his inability to remain respectful and keep conversation appropriate, he was not to contact her again and told him I would let his girlfriend (that he was living with throughout this entire ordeal) know about everything and that I have screenshots and phone records to prove everything.

He left her alone for a few months... Of course, he contacted her again... nothing inappropriate but I warned him again. He stayed away again for several months... no contact. In July he messaged her on FB.. everything innocent... a brief conversation...questions about her divorce proceedings and kids etc. I did not respond as I can live with this. She assured me that she would let me know as soon as she heard anything from him, which she has and I wholeheartedly trust her on that. In August there was more contact that was once again innocent and while I didn't like it I didn't respond. I didn't want to be that controlling ass that won't let her talk to someone if she wants.

 

***Getting rid of FWB's and old flames with regard to your relationship should be a given. There is no way I would want this person speaking to my SO if I could not get the point across. Not only is this person being disrespectful to your relationship, your girlfriend keeps responding to it, creating more negativity for your both. She should agree to let him go, or you should move on from her, because it is obvious she is leaving it open-ended. it is not healthy to get rid of all of your friends for a relationship, but people who pose a genuine threat or intrude, are not welcome. This is not only dis-respectful of him as a friend, but your g/f also is being extremely disrespectful to you by entertaining it and by leaving it open ended.

 

 

Yesterday evening he stopped her in the parking lot on her way into work.

 

**Stalker much? How did he know, it couldn't possibly be that she TOLD him where she was going to be.

 

One of those BS "just happened to be in the area...." even though he has no business being anywhere near there. Of course, since I was not around, and he knew I wouldn't be, and there is no message record of a verbal conversation, he had to mention to her how much he missed sex with her and really missed licking her pussy.

I don't know what to make of this. I do believe that she is being forthcoming and letting me know about everything. She is not one to want to hurt anyone's feeling and just rolls her eyes and blows it off as him being an idiot. ***They both know exactly what they are doing.

 

The thought of this guy makes my blood turn to lava. I see this latest act as a big "screw you" to me and blatant disrespect towards her as a person and our relationship.

***Exactly

SOOO... my questoin to you LS world.... Am I being irrational ***NO in that I don't want him contacting her?

 

And would it bother you if your significant other was 99% innocent in a friendship where the conversation often went to past sexual memories between them? ***Yes

 

(I say 99% because she is one that doesn't want to hurt anyone and doesn't want to tell him to never contact her again. Her glass if always full and gives everyone the benefit of the doubt.)

Sorry for the rant.. thanks in advance for the response.

 

 

 

 

Given my comments in your post, I would advise you to break up with her. This is going to continue, and you are getting played.

[Coup La-La]

Usually women make their intentions on these ,matters clear, I have had plenty of female friends stop talking to me for saying things that only remotely resembled sex (like making a joke about them having an expensive mattress), so for her to not say anything is suspect.

 

It almost sounds like she's keeping him as "dick in a glass case" if you mess up, he will be there to pick up the slack.