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Guy acted like it was offensive I asked him to get tested for STIs?


Cam1

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I've been on a couple dates with this guy, I like him, he claims to really like me, we text all day every day and he claims he could see it going somewhere.

 

Mentions of sex and sexual tension have started to slowly bubble up, which is normal. Last night I told him he needs to get tested for STI's before any of that happens. His response? "Seriously? I think that's a pretty offensive request!" I was floored. I've been screened in between every partner, and I've asked the same of every guy I've ever been intimate with. Sex is a big deal, and it's better when you're proactive about your health.

 

By his own admission, he has told me before, he slept with someone since the last time he was tested.

 

I called him, and asked why he finds it offensive. He wasn't mad. He has a sexual partner list that's definitely on the high side for his late 20s, and he was raised very very religious (ie, premarital sex BAD!) prior to this. He's made a few comments before that he's "ashamed" of his "number" (I told him I don't think people care and it doesn't mean anything about him).

 

His comment on the phone? "You want me to do this because of how many people I've been with. You're like, 'Oh, he must have SOMETHING.' You think I'm a man $%$$^!" He said no girl has ever asked him to get tested. At the same time, from what he's told me, I know most of the girls were one night stand or flings--of course they didn't ask him to get tested first!

 

He said he'd do it, it's not a big deal, but it got my mind to wondering why he even balked? Does it sound like a man who has something to hide, or a man who has religious guilt still hooked up from his past about partners?

 

Oh yes, and the kicker: He's in the medical field. He knows better than anyone how vital health and testing are.

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If this was me, I'd tell him "you know what? Don't bother. I dont' think we're going to work out" and just leave him be.

 

Any adult who would balk at this request, IMO, has something to hide. I appreciate men who, when the talk turns to the sexual and it seems we're heading there, say up front if there is something going on with them so that I can choose whether or not to put my health at risk, instead of them making that decision for me without my knowledge.

 

How he responded to you is about who he is. It wasn't an unreasonable request given the prevalence of STD's in society these days. That he's willing to take chances with his own health is one thing---it's not like saying "no thanks" to the flu shot; but the fact that he's willing to take chances and make decisions for the women he's sleeping with is disturbing, given, as you said, he's in the medical field.

Edited by kendahke
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How he responded to you is about who he is. It wasn't an unreasonable request given the prevalence of STD's in society these days. That he's willing to take chances with his own health is one thing---it's not like saying "no thanks" to the flu shot; but the fact that he's willing to take chances and make decisions for the women he's sleeping with is disturbing, given, as you said, he's in the medical field.

 

This is how I feel too. And that's why I called him. He wasn't upset on the phone, and that's why I couldn't understand he'd even acted like it was offensive in text. From what he's told me, and I don't have reason not to believe him, he gets screened fairly regularly, and is clean. But that doesn't negate me asking to either A. See his last set of results or B. Require him to go get tested since he hooked up with someone after the last time he got tested. He claims he wants relationships now, not casual hook ups. I think any girl who wants more, will ask more--testing included. Do you think he's hiding something?

 

This is a dealbreaker for me, and I told him that. If he wasn't willing to get tested, he can walk. Or never be naked with me. The choice is his.

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Cookiesandough

He claims he "could see it going somewhere. "I could maybe see myself being the next Mozart somewhere in the future in another galaxy in a parallel universe somehow possibly sort of.

 

It's not an offense request. But I think it is a weird request to ask of someone I was just casually seeing to "see if it was going somewhere" It's not a quick process to my understanding and it's kind of pointless especially if you are not exclusive(I'm not seeing others[for now] doesn't count]. He can test negative and then go out with another girl next week and catch some thing. If you guys get exclusive I can see you both getting tested together or something. But I understand his reluctance, I guess...

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Any adult who would balk at this request, IMO, has something to hide.

 

My thoughts too and I would be weary of any test results at this point meaning they may not be legit in order to hide what ever has made him respond to your request in that manner, or he may not have the panel done that shows what he has or may have and show you a negative..

 

Cynical of me ? somewhat I guess but worse has happened to others so a little lying to get sex isn't too cynical IMO...

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My thoughts too and I would be weary of any test results at this point meaning they may not be legit in order to hide what ever has made him respond to your request in that manner, or he may not have the panel done that shows what he has or may have and show you a negative..

 

Cynical of me ? somewhat I guess but worse has happened to others so a little lying to get sex isn't too cynical IMO...

 

He's very attractive and I have no reason to believe he has trouble getting one night stands, so I don't see why he'd lie for sex.

 

Him thinking testing an odd prereq is enough for me to want to see the results (I've told him he can see mine, too). If he works in medicine I'm apt to think he's HIV and HEPATITIS negative anyways, and chlamydia and gonnarrea are easy to treat, but not something I want to risk contesting and going sterile over. He also knows I expect HSV to be on the panels (and that is the ONE they don't routinely include unless you ask).

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I wouldn't care what field he's in or how attractive he is....all bets would be off with that kind of attitude. You would be wise to send this one down the road.

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. Do you think he's hiding something?

 

Something is certainly suspect here, given how he texted you and how he talked.

 

I think an in person discussion needs to be had, just in case his phone got hacked or one of his one night stands got ahold of it or whatever is going on in his life. You need to be looking him dead in the face with this conversation.

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Good for you for standing your ground! That's not always easy to do...

 

He may well take the test and it may be clear. But, his behavior is still very suspect... I would be careful about trusting this guy...

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He got a temper, be cautious of that.. Not a good sign already. If you know you haven't been fooling around but you know today just don't know what they have.

 

Kiss of Death - Herp A

Going down under - Herp B

G-Warts -

Aids

 

I am so worried I don't like women who tell me they have dated 40 guys and had sex the them. OH MY LORD! See you later then I say.. It was nice knowing you. He should get the test but his actions speaks louder than his mouth at you. So he might have something you don't know? I would say thanks but I can see myself out the door! Goodbye!

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This is a dealbreaker for me, and I told him that. If he wasn't willing to get tested, he can walk. Or never be naked with me. The choice is his.

 

I should clarify he verbally told me he'd do it before I mentioned this is a dealbreaker for me, so he wasn't doing it just to pacify me.

 

 

I don't feel it's a bad request. We're pretty comfortable with each other, to the extent he's not afraid to tell me things like he plans to have kids one day, etc etc. So I feel like testing isn't a bad request.

 

I know he had his wild man phase after leaving church, and during a period of great loss, but he hasn't had many actual relationships--going on dates is one thing, being with someone is something else. So that's why I wonder if he doesn't realize expectations that are normal. Also with the comments he's made about his "number", I wonder it's residual guilt from religion?

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I think a lot of people are overreacting here and saying he has something to hide. He probably doesn't however if he's not used to women asking him for such an intimate detail it likely caught him of guard a bit and made him feel like you were indirectly judging him a bit by his past. Perhaps because of his background he's a little self conscious of it and by asking he interpreted it as you saying 'well you've been with so many women I need to make sure you're 'clean''.

 

Just have an honest conversation with him and explain why you're asking him for it. It's not because of him or his past, it's because you are being careful and looking after yourself.

 

If he refuses or acts shady after that then he knows where the door is.

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I should clarify he verbally told me he'd do it before I mentioned this is a dealbreaker for me, so he wasn't doing it just to pacify me.

 

 

I don't feel it's a bad request. We're pretty comfortable with each other, to the extent he's not afraid to tell me things like he plans to have kids one day, etc etc. So I feel like testing isn't a bad request.

 

I know he had his wild man phase after leaving church, and during a period of great loss, but he hasn't had many actual relationships--going on dates is one thing, being with someone is something else. So that's why I wonder if he doesn't realize expectations that are normal. Also with the comments he's made about his "number", I wonder it's residual guilt from religion?

 

Go to the people free clinic and you both get tested for everything STI/STDs so you both can put that to rest. But he has a temper doesn't like to be told what he should do. So watch that part.

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Cookiesandough

You obviously don't trust him that much. Are you guys exclusive (agreed you can't see other people until relationship dissolves), are you going to have him tested every time you do something sexual or are you going to trust him here on out? These are relevant questions especially if this this the same guy you were asking a few days ago if you should be running from because really touchy-feely on the first date and sent you shirtless pics after and trying to sext.. Don't know if you are new to online dating, but based on a lot of stuff I've read online I would not assume anything off the bat. Until notified, make sure you were OK with becoming just another fling. Make sure you know his status if that's important to you.

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I have been seeing my guy for 4 months now and the question recently came up. We both got tested since, as we felt we should have done that much sooner, and since we are trying to build something together, it is important you are playing with all cards open!

 

If you can't talk to a guy about this and he gets all offended like this and defensive about it - I would not bother with him anymore if I were you!

 

Find someone who's open and honest with you.

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You obviously don't trust him that much. Are you guys exclusive (agreed you can't see other people until relationship dissolves), are you going to have him tested every time you do something sexual or are you going to trust him here on out?

I don't think it's wrong to not trust someone right off the bat. Or as Reagan once said, trust but verify. Trust is earned.

 

For me, I'm sexually exclusive with one person at a time. So once that's happened, even if i'm still dating other people, i'm not doing the deed with them too.

 

Maybe i'm backwards. I'm not new to OLD, but I'm returning after a long hiatus. Who knew re emerging from relationship land in your mid-late 20s was totally different than it was when you're just a few years younger!:sick:

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I don't see too many people make this sort of request but I do know a few people who feel this way.

 

My issue with this situation wouldn't be he had a wild period, it would be his attitude of making you feel wrong for asking if he would get tested. I think this is more of a red flag that his ability to communicate might not be there which doesn't bode well for the long term.

 

FWIW - I know people in higher risk activities like swingers and many I know regularly get tested and share the test results with others and their primary partner. it doesn't mean anything will come back. I see it as wanting to protect your own health since not all STIs are curable.

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My issue with this situation wouldn't be he had a wild period, it would be his attitude of making you feel wrong for asking if he would get tested. I think this is more of a red flag that his ability to communicate might not be there which doesn't bode well for the long term.

 

The exact text dialog that precipitated this:

Me: "You need to be tested before that happens."

Him: "Wait seriously?"

Me: "About getting tested?"

Him: "Yes."

Me: "Why do you act offended by this?

Him: "Because that's a pretty offensive requirement."

*Cue phone call*

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...no girl has ever asked him to get tested.''

 

+

 

He has a sexual partner list that's definitely on the high side for his late 20s

 

+

 

Last night I told him he needs to get tested for STI's before any of that happens. His response? "Seriously? I think that's a pretty offensive request!

 

= Red flag and another flag of unknown origin behind it...that may or may not turn out to be dangerous.

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I don't know why he'd be offended. Surprised I can understand.

 

IT's probably my age group but I have never been asked to be tested, nor have I ever asked anyone. Probably because when I was in my 20's, getting tested wasn't a thing, and wasn't readily available. Then I was married for a bit, and then in 2 long term relationships before my current one.

 

So, if I was asked now, I wouldn't be offended, but I would be surprised and maybe momentarily thrown off balance.

 

Another question concerning this. who pays for the testing? Suppose insurance doesn't cover it, is the asker paying? or do you expect the asked to pay. I mean, if every woman I want to sleep with expects me to pay for a test, it could get pricey and I'd better off joining a monestary! :)

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I think a lot of people are overreacting here and saying he has something to hide. He probably doesn't however if he's not used to women asking him for such an intimate detail it likely caught him of guard a bit and made him feel like you were indirectly judging him a bit by his past. Perhaps because of his background he's a little self conscious of it and by asking he interpreted it as you saying 'well you've been with so many women I need to make sure you're 'clean''.

 

Just have an honest conversation with him and explain why you're asking him for it. It's not because of him or his past, it's because you are being careful and looking after yourself.

 

If he refuses or acts shady after that then he knows where the door is.

 

I seriously doubt he is self-conscious of the request or his past exploits. Ha Ha. He is also not ashamed of the number of women he's had at such an age and no amount past 'religious' upbringing will take away from the fact that he is a 20-something looking for as many girls to have sex with.

 

I laughed at some of what this guy had to say. He was definitely shocked that a responsible girl finally came along to ask him to do what is completely reasonable and yes, it definitely has to do with his past sexual partners and the large numbers and the decent chance that he could have an STD.

 

OP, have a conversation, but he knows exactly why you are asking. He is not confused, rather, offended that you would dare to ask! :D

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I get tested every year no matter how many partners I have or have not had in between them. When I had health insurance that came part of the annual exam at the gynecologist, now I pay out of pocket at my local Planned Parenthood chapter. I was talking to a male friend of mine who was told me about a guy we both know who is a well known man ***** who gets tested every year. Can you believe that? I was blown away, not by the person we were talking about but his saying that he had never been tested. I said that's just irresponsible on people's part not to be tested. It doesn't matter how many partners you have or have not had, it's important to do so.

 

Why? Because people lie about themselves, they lie about their pasts, and they are lying to themselves. And two facts: 1) Many people are carrying them and don't know that they have them, and 2) Men are more likely to find out that they have them because they have longer urinary tracts and are more likely to feel the burning sensation when they are urinating.

 

As to his attitude about it? See above reasons.

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To me that's a big enough red flag to heavily consider ending the relationship right there.

 

It's the ADULT thing to do to get checked and show each other the results before being intimate (especially without a condom). OP you are absolutely well within your right to be leery and I'd recommend moving on to the next guy.

 

No reasonably decent (and safe) guy would react in the manner in which he did.

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It's a strange thing to request via text with a guy you've just started dating. Presumably during a flirty sexy text sesh. Ugh. I do think it was offensive the way it went down. The way you asked. Nothing wrong with asking this but it could have been put better

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It's a strange thing to request via text with a guy you've just started dating. Presumably during a flirty sexy text sesh. Ugh. I do think it was offensive the way it went down. The way you asked. Nothing wrong with asking this but it could have been put better

 

I have to agree with bits of this. While I don't think it was necessarily offensive, I can imagine it chucked a cold bucket of water over the presumably sexy conversation preceding it. Texting is such a difficult thing to interpret too. He may have said he was offended while not really thinking about it. The phone call cleared things up a bit and he explained why he felt the way he did. I do believe he could be feeling ashamed of his past behaviour so I don't think that should be dismissed out of hand, but he also could be finding any excuses to sleep with women, or indeed hiding something. We just don't know.

 

I'm quite strict when it comes to testing. I will have sex with someone with a condom, but I hate them. In order to ditch them, we need to discuss other contraceptive methods (I'm on the coil, so winner), STD testing and exclusivity. I get tested annually or between partners. I'm a worrier and it puts my mind at ease. I don't want to take risks with my health. The attitudes about testing from guys I've been sleeping with have astounded me. Everything from them believing they can't have anything because they've not slept with many people (it only takes one!) and what seems to be a general belief that it could not happen to them. Some weren't happy. But they did it. They weren't hiding anything and although their attitude did put me off, it wasn't enough for me to stop seeing them. I think they were just surprised and I also think some of them thought I assumed they'd slept around and that's why I asked. They thought I was judging them, which I wasn't.

 

So really, I don't think him being surprised is anything unusual. I don't think he handled it spectacularly, but I wouldn't say its a deal breaker (for me at least). I think the biggest thing you need to deal with though is exclusivity. If he sleeps with anyone else, his results become null and void. Just because you only sleep with one person at a time, don't assume he does too. You need to have that conversation before anything.

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