Sense of inferiority, difficulties in my self improvement Journey

[Archibald Salisbury]

First things first, thank you to loveshack for existing, id wish to pay visits here more often... when I have things that I dont want to hold in, and have no one else to express myself, this is the right place. You have no idea how much your honest replies help! Really, they are gold, so please, feel free to express your thoughts whichever they may be.

 

So, where do I start...

I have set real priorities in my life. Went vegan, started eating really healthy, working out, losing weight, building an aesthetic physique, watching countless of self improvement videos, watching style gurus and built a new garderobe... and here I am, a year later... 20 kg lighter, way stronger than I was, living in a better, comfortable dorm appartment, I have a job and study biology... it may seem like I have it going on, like Im just living the life but no... Raising my confidence and self esteem still seems to be the hardest part..

Phew, here it comes..

As a creative mind, like with all other artist souls out there depression hits harder than others. Sometimes I just cant control the voices in my head. Its the voice of my mind that keeps repeating how pathetic and worthless I am. Ive tried meditating and it helps. I try the best I can to not listen to that voice. When I look at myself sometimes I feel like that all I can see are my flaws. Put in two words... I overthink. My mind is like a void inside a black hole where you just lose yourself.. its like a chaotic universe, it just makes things up like some creator who went mad. Ive always been that weirdo, crazy out of place black sheep. Always different, always alone with my unusual thoughts. My most dear people say that Im weird in a good way, that my mind makes me unique and very interesting... but still often I just wish I was better, and I will never stop trying to improve. Firstly I read A LOT and with close to no social skills when I officially started my improvement journey, I had to learn everything from books, videos or other sources of information...

It seemed to work, I was processing information and started to experience that I was getting more likeble and appreciated.

Finding friends for me is difficult, let alone having relationships and such. I have a small group of friends that I meet now and then. It seems so hard to find people who can grasp my reality and choose to have me close. But in the last months it seems that my social skills have somewhat improved. I kinda lack that sense, it doesent come natural to me, being sociable, knowing new people, so I learned and practiced it the best I could. And it gave results.

 

I went to this chill party where I met this girl... here the story starts.

We started talking and later we just couldnt stop. We talked about everything, life, philosophy, science, spirituality, religion, conspiracies, health, society... I just sat at one corner of the bar and started to eat some brownies when she came because she wanted to talk more... then other people came and just like that I found myself in the middle of this circle, talking and talking, I was on fire. My mind was just pouring info out of the void... then I begged someone else to tell a story because I just couldnt breathe anymore. We just had a good time... Me and her exchanged facebooks and said goodbye. Next day, I flew home... to my sunny beautiful homeland.

In my thoughts I wasnt expecting anything, anything at all. I had just gotten a facebook profile, so what? I just forgot about it at all. Blowing people minds with my stories is something I just do on my own, its like breathing, I cant explain it it just happens.

Then I get this whatsapp message from an unknown number... she texted me her number with her name under it!!

She had asked for my number, had found it and there she was. I told her that I would love to meet her again. Asked her out later but she was busy...

Then, I came back from my holiday and started to think.. I needed more experience with dating..

I made a plan. A real exciting plan. I found this haunted house tour in facebook, screenshoted it and sent it to her. She loved it... said yes right away.

I couldnt believe it... SHE!! Said yes to come on a date with me!! With ME!

Let me tell you how out of my league she is (or so my mind tells me). She studies medicine, shes 5 years my senior, incredibly smart, intelligent, independent young woman. Her road is a road of success. What does she see in me? A good looking, talkative bookworm of an artist that studies biology? Im younger and I had thought she would never spare a thought of starting anything with me!

 

That day i had to cover a shift to help a coworker then I ran home, jumped in the shower, scrubbed myself clean, groomed my hair and beard, put on the nicest outfit I could and BAM there I was. I had been shopping and from all those style gurus I had learned a lot. I put one this nice tug leather jacked. with some cool accessories, some fit black jeans... saw myself in the mirror and surprisingly my mind said; DAMN BOY, YOU LOOK GOOD! I had given my best.. and there I was before my mirror adoring my new upgraded look. Then I put one my best cologne and went to meet her.. My very first real date!

My only fear was that she would show up, without taking care of herself at all, as if meeting me was a joke and making me look overdressed. But who was I fooling? She came.. and she looked stunning.

We had a hour before the tour so we went to starbucks, talking all the time... Its just as if when we meet conversations just cant stop.. and I mean quality intelligent discussions! Is so fun, have never enjoyed someones company that much! She seemed to just understand what I would say, without finding it weird in any way. It was going good.

When we went to the tour unfortunately it had gotten cancelled without letting us know beforehand. Well, we had to do something else. My mind was racing... She was so calm, that just killed me... she had put all her trust in me that whatever happened I would find a way, as a man. Well I took my ohone and searched on google maps for a cozy place where we could spend some quality time. She was telling all sorts of stories and at the same time I was listening to her, and trying to find something to do...

Then I took her to this very good vegan restaurant ( YES THOSE EXIST). We sat and it all went perfect. The setting was so romantic, and we were sitting in front of each others, having wine like in the damn movies, like ADULTS!

We promised that we would meet again, to go for archery, hiking or rock climbing, damn the possibilities.

Long story short, I AM OVERWHELMED. I have never gone this far, that was way too perfect.

Then my crazy mind started to put thoughts again like: You dont deserve her, how in the world do you even think she will fall for you? Look at her and look at you! Youre a fraud! A fake adult! You just act like a gentleman, you fake pretending child... As you can see, self esteem is my biggest problem.

And here I am, really lovesick, two days after the date, writing to you guys. I am really lovesick, lost appetite, cant concentrate very good, only think of her and how good our date went. Overthinking that I must never ever ever screw this up. If the chance comes, i will tell her how I feel, but will give us time to get to know each other better.

Its all I have ever dreamed of, its just too perfect. I know about the law of attraction and it seems to have really worked. Now I have this open door but its so overwhelming. I have never been this far before. I want to be better for her but just why do I always have this idea that I am inferior? I always get lovesick when life shows me a girl who just shows a little affection but this time its harsh. I didnt eat anything the whole day, i thought I had the flu. Why do I think im worthless? Why cant I just be cool about dating like a normal guy, but instead I take it to heart level? I dont want to feel like this, its weird! All my body feels it! This feeling of Love is consuming me! I have this fear that I will screw things up with her and be miserable forever, but seen from her POV she is just positive. She clearly enjoys my company, and I enjoy hers! She told me that I was special and she wanted to get to know me and that she was interested!

Crazy stuff.

Well if you got through all my writing, thank you very very much. Please feel free to state your thoughts.

Edited September 25, 2017 by Archibald Salisbury

[todreaminblue]

invasive negative thoughts need to be interrupted...sounds like you have a beginning of something good so dont go all negative...get a thick rubber band and wear it around your wrist..... physically ping it hard when you have these negative thoughts....concentrate on all the good in her and the beginning of knowing her so far.....concentrate on how good you feel when you are with her ...and bring those thoughts and feelings back when you have doubt....have hope set in your heart that what is beginning is good and right for you and for her.....you are good and you care and you have strong feelings for her...let those feelings motivate you into treating her right.....

 

 

use your fears.....turn them into appreciation of who she is and how good she treats you...fear is only negative if you take it to a negative place....fear actually keeps you on your toes and appreciative...fear allows you to understand the importance of people in your life....fear gives you energy and that energy can be turned positive or negative either motivating you or pulling you down and this is the kicker..the end goal is in sight........its your choice which way that will be that you kick that goal...no one else....its all on you ......you can do this......keep telling yourself that...you got it.....:0)..so aim high...

trust me....i dont lie...best wishes.............deb

[fred123]

I would leave now on a high and dump her rather wait to be dumped. Itl feel good to tell her you arent inteested. Always leave on a high. Thats my rule

[Archibald Salisbury]

Thank you very much for the reply! I am grateful that you read my post, thought it would be too long and it seems to me that you really read it. That makes me really happy. My fear is not the fear of losing her, because now I do have experience at screwing dates up, but my fear is the fear of the unknown. The unknown part of being with someone, close in an intimate relationship. Had never thought it would be that hard, and I have lost all appetite. I only have sugar cravings and all I can eat are grapes and other fruit. I will try to do my best as always. There will be no excuses, the journey is not over and I will carry on.

Again, thanks for expressing your thoughts!

[Mkn1010]

First things first, thank you to loveshack for existing, id wish to pay visits here more often... when I have things that I dont want to hold in, and have no one else to express myself, this is the right place. You have no idea how much your honest replies help! Really, they are gold, so please, feel free to express your thoughts whichever they may be.

 

So, where do I start...

I have set real priorities in my life. Went vegan, started eating really healthy, working out, losing weight, building an aesthetic physique, watching countless of self improvement videos, watching style gurus and built a new garderobe... and here I am, a year later... 20 kg lighter, way stronger than I was, living in a better, comfortable dorm appartment, I have a job and study biology... it may seem like I have it going on, like Im just living the life but no... Raising my confidence and self esteem still seems to be the hardest part..

Phew, here it comes..

As a creative mind, like with all other artist souls out there depression hits harder than others. Sometimes I just cant control the voices in my head. Its the voice of my mind that keeps repeating how pathetic and worthless I am. Ive tried meditating and it helps. I try the best I can to not listen to that voice. When I look at myself sometimes I feel like that all I can see are my flaws. Put in two words... I overthink. My mind is like a void inside a black hole where you just lose yourself.. its like a chaotic universe, it just makes things up like some creator who went mad. Ive always been that weirdo, crazy out of place black sheep. Always different, always alone with my unusual thoughts. My most dear people say that Im weird in a good way, that my mind makes me unique and very interesting... but still often I just wish I was better, and I will never stop trying to improve. Firstly I read A LOT and with close to no social skills when I officially started my improvement journey, I had to learn everything from books, videos or other sources of information...

It seemed to work, I was processing information and started to experience that I was getting more likeble and appreciated.

Finding friends for me is difficult, let alone having relationships and such. I have a small group of friends that I meet now and then. It seems so hard to find people who can grasp my reality and choose to have me close. But in the last months it seems that my social skills have somewhat improved. I kinda lack that sense, it doesent come natural to me, being sociable, knowing new people, so I learned and practiced it the best I could. And it gave results.

 

I went to this chill party where I met this girl... here the story starts.

We started talking and later we just couldnt stop. We talked about everything, life, philosophy, science, spirituality, religion, conspiracies, health, society... I just sat at one corner of the bar and started to eat some brownies when she came because she wanted to talk more... then other people came and just like that I found myself in the middle of this circle, talking and talking, I was on fire. My mind was just pouring info out of the void... then I begged someone else to tell a story because I just couldnt breathe anymore. We just had a good time... Me and her exchanged facebooks and said goodbye. Next day, I flew home... to my sunny beautiful homeland.

In my thoughts I wasnt expecting anything, anything at all. I had just gotten a facebook profile, so what? I just forgot about it at all. Blowing people minds with my stories is something I just do on my own, its like breathing, I cant explain it it just happens.

Then I get this whatsapp message from an unknown number... she texted me her number with her name under it!!

She had asked for my number, had found it and there she was. I told her that I would love to meet her again. Asked her out later but she was busy...

Then, I came back from my holiday and started to think.. I needed more experience with dating..

I made a plan. A real exciting plan. I found this haunted house tour in facebook, screenshoted it and sent it to her. She loved it... said yes right away.

I couldnt believe it... SHE!! Said yes to come on a date with me!! With ME!

Let me tell you how out of my league she is (or so my mind tells me). She studies medicine, shes 5 years my senior, incredibly smart, intelligent, independent young woman. Her road is a road of success. What does she see in me? A good looking, talkative bookworm of an artist that studies biology? Im younger and I had thought she would never spare a thought of starting anything with me!

 

That day i had to cover a shift to help a coworker then I ran home, jumped in the shower, scrubbed myself clean, groomed my hair and beard, put on the nicest outfit I could and BAM there I was. I had been shopping and from all those style gurus I had learned a lot. I put one this nice tug leather jacked. with some cool accessories, some fit black jeans... saw myself in the mirror and surprisingly my mind said; DAMN BOY, YOU LOOK GOOD! I had given my best.. and there I was before my mirror adoring my new upgraded look. Then I put one my best cologne and went to meet her.. My very first real date!

My only fear was that she would show up, without taking care of herself at all, as if meeting me was a joke and making me look overdressed. But who was I fooling? She came.. and she looked stunning.

We had a hour before the tour so we went to starbucks, talking all the time... Its just as if when we meet conversations just cant stop.. and I mean quality intelligent discussions! Is so fun, have never enjoyed someones company that much! She seemed to just understand what I would say, without finding it weird in any way. It was going good.

When we went to the tour unfortunately it had gotten cancelled without letting us know beforehand. Well, we had to do something else. My mind was racing... She was so calm, that just killed me... she had put all her trust in me that whatever happened I would find a way, as a man. Well I took my ohone and searched on google maps for a cozy place where we could spend some quality time. She was telling all sorts of stories and at the same time I was listening to her, and trying to find something to do...

Then I took her to this very good vegan restaurant ( YES THOSE EXIST). We sat and it all went perfect. The setting was so romantic, and we were sitting in front of each others, having wine like in the damn movies, like ADULTS!

We promised that we would meet again, to go for archery, hiking or rock climbing, damn the possibilities.

Long story short, I AM OVERWHELMED. I have never gone this far, that was way too perfect.

Then my crazy mind started to put thoughts again like: You dont deserve her, how in the world do you even think she will fall for you? Look at her and look at you! Youre a fraud! A fake adult! You just act like a gentleman, you fake pretending child... As you can see, self esteem is my biggest problem.

And here I am, really lovesick, two days after the date, writing to you guys. I am really lovesick, lost appetite, cant concentrate very good, only think of her and how good our date went. Overthinking that I must never ever ever screw this up. If the chance comes, i will tell her how I feel, but will give us time to get to know each other better.

Its all I have ever dreamed of, its just too perfect. I know about the law of attraction and it seems to have really worked. Now I have this open door but its so overwhelming. I have never been this far before. I want to be better for her but just why do I always have this idea that I am inferior? I always get lovesick when life shows me a girl who just shows a little affection but this time its harsh. I didnt eat anything the whole day, i thought I had the flu. Why do I think im worthless? Why cant I just be cool about dating like a normal guy, but instead I take it to heart level? I dont want to feel like this, its weird! All my body feels it! This feeling of Love is consuming me! I have this fear that I will screw things up with her and be miserable forever, but seen from her POV she is just positive. She clearly enjoys my company, and I enjoy hers! She told me that I was special and she wanted to get to know me and that she was interested!

Crazy stuff.

Well if you got through all my writing, thank you very very much. Please feel free to state your thoughts.

 

 

You really do sound so caring and amazing, I hope you know that! And please don't try to be like other guys who find all this easy, your uniqueness is likely what makes her think you're so special

 

 

I would really like to date someone like you!

[Archibald Salisbury]

Haha thanks a lot, actually I tend to overthink alot, these days my head has been like a beehive, thinking scenarios after scenarios for a great and exciting second date. Today is the day I planned to ask her out again but I have no clear plan yet just because of overthinking. Im just getting overexcited and idk, its feels weird. The worst thing would be to do nothing. She is probably thinking why Im not texting at all lol. Well, if she says no, it would be normal, another lost crush, if she says yes it will be another punch to the guts haha.. but doing nothing is going to be the nightmare so yeah..

[TheWoman]

Meditation would really help you. Detach yourself from all that background chatter in your mind. This is a bit 'new age' lol but you are not your thoughts, you are the observer of those thoughts. Allow them to come and go, they are not you and they are not the truth. It is complicated in a way to explain, but actually very simple with practice. This will help you on the journey you have started. BTW if your stories are that good, write them down. A creative pursuit like writing helps with mindfulness, once you get into the flow, you can experience a connection with yourself that goes beyond your thoughts....

[Archibald Salisbury]

Really beautiful Quote by the way, loved it. It seems to me that you clearly read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Its about the same thing you wrote about, that we should be Observers to our emotions and that we are not our mind. If we know that the mind is thinking then it means we are something over the mind, because we can observe it. It was such a good book about self improvement, I would recommend it to anyone because it really did help me fight social anxiety.

 

Well, yesterday I asked her out again. I asked if she had ever been to the planetarium and that I would love to take her there. She said it was a really nice idea and was up for it, but this weekend she was really busy so I said the other weekend would be better. We could have more time to pick the best seats. She said definitely. So shes either too nice or really looking forward to this. Well, I am excited, I love going to the planetarium. Its so beautiful and really trippy. Haha. Just taking the initiative to make a move feels good!