Feeling lost

[CountrySoul]

A brief history first. I am a single dad of two kids. Their mother walked out of our lives over 5 years ago because she missed the life she had before kids and wanted it once again. Fast forward to sometime after divorce, I decided to take a risk and ask out a gal I use to work with when I was in the military. We had been good friends for years and always had fun hanging out. She is also a single parent, the father of her daughter ran off the instant he found out she was pregnant and I am the closes thing to a father she has ever known.

 

After I got out on the military I moved to were I am now to be near family to help with the kids while I looked for a job and eventually bought a home. After she got out she moved in with her folks cross the country to finish out her obligation in the reserves and to get her AS. Well 3 years pass since I found a good job and 2 since I bought a house and her time with the reserves came to an end, I had some vacation time saved up so the kids and I took a cross country road trip to pick them both up and move them here. The move had its bumps but we made it.

 

It has been a rough start for them both, being a big change I knew it would take time for them to adjust and I was giving them that time and space, doing what I could to help. My family loves her and thinks she is the best thing to happen to me in years, even my aunt talks about home much of a difference she has seen in me since she has been her. I will freely admit that I do love her and her daughter, I think of her as my own daughter and treat her as such.

 

Her daughter goes back and forth between hating it here and wanting to go back home and liking it here, but it seems as if the hating is out weighting the liking.

 

She has been having a hard time adjusting as well, but has been trying to build up her own support system; friends, church and what not. But she has been rather distant and I was starting to get curious as to why she never says I love you to me. When I asked her about it she said she didn't know how she felt and came out her for change and because she thought it would be good for her daughter. During one of our talks she left it slip that she had a miscarriage just a few months before we came out to get them, when I asked her why she said she didn't feel that same about our relationship that I did and didn't take it serious.

 

But recently I discovered something I know she never met for me to find out. A "friend" of hers from back home started messaging me calling me all kinds of nasty things, claiming I wasn't treating her right and I was ruining her life. At first I chalked it up to a jealous ex or something but then he started sending me screen shots of there conversations on facebook and it made me sick to my stomach the type of things she was telling him, all of which were lies. She even goes on to say how she only came her to get away from her parents and is going to leave the first chance she gets. Being this was from FB messenger the conversation is date stamped and their conversation are as recent as two days ago.

 

I don't know what to do about this, do I confront her or do I just let it play out. I feel like I should just ask her to leave but that would be fair to her daughter.

 

I feel physically sick over this and its even affecting my sleep and appetite. I also worry about how this will affect my kids, they love her like a mom but when she leaves its going to be just like when their mom walked out on them and I'm afraid about what that will do to them.

 

its likes she is two people, she tells her friend all this stuff but at the same time she has no problem cuddling up, using my lap as a pillow as we watch TV or just sit back and be lazy. She is occasionally intimate with me, but now that I know all this I don't know why she is.

 

I have no one here I can talk to, I cant take this to family and I'm not close to anyone I work with. So I am coming here for advice.

[smackie9]

Tell her what you know from this "friend", show the evidence and give her the boot.

[Steve51]

My experience is that when a woman is unhappy and needs a shoulder to cry one, it will not be long before she is doing more than crying and it will not be his shoulder either. I lost a fiancé of 5 years that way. She was happy with me but I had to go on a combat tour and she needed someone to talk to and keep her company. He was an old friend of mine. Before too long my best friend told me that she was cheating on me with that friend. This was a few months before our wedding day. She started out by crying on his shoulder and ending up riding on his you know what.

 

One thing I have learned in life is to have a healthy dose of mistrust. I would not be happy if my wife was leaning on a man's shoulder for solace. For me, the cheating is not the sex, since we were mostly non monogamous. However we kept it as sex with no emotional feelings. We saw what happened to other couples when one of them got friendly with another man's wife or husband. It never ended well.

[angel.eyes]

I'm not getting the impression she is married to CountrySoul. Unfortunately, it sounds like he was a place to land after she got out of the Reserves. It was him or live with her parents.

 

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. She'll forever be after the next knight in shining armor. This new guy is just the latest to fall for her victim story. (You did too by the way. I'm guessing her daughter's dad would paint a very different story of what happened.)

 

At any rate, her true colors are now showing. Extricate yourself promptly from the situation before it goes even further south.

[CountrySoul]

No we are not married, though that was the eventual entension of her and her daughter moving out here. Or at least I thought it was.

 

I had considered just confronting her and giving her the boot but I can't do that to her daughter, it wouldn't be fair to punish her for what her mom is doing. Asides from my family and a few people at the church she started going to she doesn't know anyone here and no way to move herself back to the east coast. I can't afford to help her with that and I'm sure her parents wouldn't and I'm about positive her "friend" wouldn't be willing to do so.

 

As for her daughter's father, I do know the truth of what happened to him. He did abandon them before she was born and I know he was kicked out of the military for drug usage. And she hasn't heard from him since.

 

I know I need to get out of this situation, but I don't know how to do it with out making her daughter pay the consequences as well.

[Lostweekend]

Country Soul,

 

You sound like a very caring and responsible parent, and partner. I just want to ask you a question, and I am in no way intending to sound blunt.

 

If your partner decided to up and go back to her hometown with her daughter, would you have any right or claim to be in the girls life? I don´t know what kind of arrangement you have, but judging from what you are writing, you could be erased from the girls life over night, if your girlfriend decided to.

 

What I´m trying to say is that you should make sure you make your two children your main priority in this situation. Yes, they are attached to your girlfriend, as you are attached to her child. You can´t do this alone, and if you are to succeed in this relationship, both parties have to put in the work.

 

She is not going about the situation in a nice way, portraying you as some monster. At least she needs to be held accountable for the things she has said about you and your relationship. That´s my opinion!

 

You should tell her about these messages. Show them to her. Tell her that if this is how she feels, then perhaps she would be better off going back home where she feels better. (how she gets there really is not your problem to solve) I would have definite trust issues with her because she is disloyal to you and your children (her child included) Put some of the responsibility back on her and tell her in no uncertain terms that you will not accept being portrayed in such a way. You need to show some tough love here because she seems to be all over the place, and she is taking you down with her!

[Mike B.]

Her daughter is going to pay the consequence either way. It's a no win situation for the daughter. There is going to be tension between you and the mom and in the end, you will look like the bad guy because she is mom and you are someone

Who feels like dad but actually not. The daughter is not even happy in this situation despite having a mother and father figure in her life. She would rather go back home.

[CountrySoul]

No I have no right or claim to be in the daughter's life. I have been the only father she has ever known, but since her mom and I have never married i haven't officially adopted her. So yes her mom has every right to just take her and leave and for me to never see or talk to either of them again. That is her choice alone to make.

 

I do understand her daughter's wants to go back home. It's the only home she has ever known. It's where all her friends are and her grandparents, everything she has ever known. She was brought to a place where she knows no one and wants to be back where it is familiar.

 

She may end up seeing me as a bad person because of what ever story her mom makes up. But I would rather her hate me under false pretense than for her to hate me because I abandoned her.

 

Of course my kids will be my first priority when it comes down to it. But even so I can't toss a child to the street and pretend I don't care what happens.

[Mike B.]

Hate is hate, unfortunately. There is no good or better hate.

 

My point is that it is an overall no win situation. You can rip the band aid off or peel it back slowly. Either way, there is hurt in the end.

[kendahke]

I'd show her what her little friend sent you. Then I'd tell her it's best that she and her kid move out by the end of October.

 

Then I'd tell my children that she was going to be moving out soon because she's not happy living here and that nothing about her affects the way I feel about them and that I wasn't going to be going anywhere--that I was there to stay.

 

Chances are, he's the one she really wants to be with. No one goes that hard in the paint over someone they don't care about like that. So let her go be with him. You deserve to be happy and to find a woman who wants to be 100% present and a part of your life--and eventually your children's lives.

 

I wouldn't bring any more women around them until you both are unmistakably clear on each other's intentions with each other.

[kendahke]

BTW, how old are all the children in this scenario?

 

(how she gets there really is not your problem to solve)

 

This right here. Her folks can front her the money to move back or at the very least, move their grandchild back to be with them. Her little friend can also front the money for her to move.

 

Since you're close to her child, tell her that this isn't what you want, but her mother is not happy living with you and it's best she not spend any day more being somewhere she doesn't like or with someone she doesn't want to be with. If the child ever needs you for anything, she can always call and talk, but that she'll have her grandparents who also love her and will look out for her.

Edited September 25, 2017 by kendahke

[SevenCity]

Feel bad for the daughter, but put you and your kids first.

 

If you are not happy it will impact your kids. Put your oxygen mask on first - you have to be whole in order to give be your kids the father they need.

 

I would not worry for one hot minute how she gets back east - you can file that under not your f'in problem.

[kendahke]

I would not worry for one hot minute how she gets back east - you can file that under not your f'in problem.

 

Exactly.

 

CountrySoul, it would be your problem if you were the one being disloyal and ungrateful behind her back. But you did nothing here that requires you to have to pay her way back home or wherever she's going to go.

[coolheadal]

A brief history first. I am a single dad of two kids. Their mother walked out of our lives over 5 years ago because she missed the life she had before kids and wanted it once again. Fast forward to sometime after divorce, I decided to take a risk and ask out a gal I use to work with when I was in the military. We had been good friends for years and always had fun hanging out. She is also a single parent, the father of her daughter ran off the instant he found out she was pregnant and I am the closes thing to a father she has ever known.

 

After I got out on the military I moved to were I am now to be near family to help with the kids while I looked for a job and eventually bought a home. After she got out she moved in with her folks cross the country to finish out her obligation in the reserves and to get her AS. Well 3 years pass since I found a good job and 2 since I bought a house and her time with the reserves came to an end, I had some vacation time saved up so the kids and I took a cross country road trip to pick them both up and move them here. The move had its bumps but we made it.

 

It has been a rough start for them both, being a big change I knew it would take time for them to adjust and I was giving them that time and space, doing what I could to help. My family loves her and thinks she is the best thing to happen to me in years, even my aunt talks about home much of a difference she has seen in me since she has been her. I will freely admit that I do love her and her daughter, I think of her as my own daughter and treat her as such.

 

Her daughter goes back and forth between hating it here and wanting to go back home and liking it here, but it seems as if the hating is out weighting the liking.

 

She has been having a hard time adjusting as well, but has been trying to build up her own support system; friends, church and what not. But she has been rather distant and I was starting to get curious as to why she never says I love you to me. When I asked her about it she said she didn't know how she felt and came out her for change and because she thought it would be good for her daughter. During one of our talks she left it slip that she had a miscarriage just a few months before we came out to get them, when I asked her why she said she didn't feel that same about our relationship that I did and didn't take it serious.

 

But recently I discovered something I know she never met for me to find out. A "friend" of hers from back home started messaging me calling me all kinds of nasty things, claiming I wasn't treating her right and I was ruining her life. At first I chalked it up to a jealous ex or something but then he started sending me screen shots of there conversations on facebook and it made me sick to my stomach the type of things she was telling him, all of which were lies. She even goes on to say how she only came her to get away from her parents and is going to leave the first chance she gets. Being this was from FB messenger the conversation is date stamped and their conversation are as recent as two days ago.

 

I don't know what to do about this, do I confront her or do I just let it play out. I feel like I should just ask her to leave but that would be fair to her daughter.

 

I feel physically sick over this and its even affecting my sleep and appetite. I also worry about how this will affect my kids, they love her like a mom but when she leaves its going to be just like when their mom walked out on them and I'm afraid about what that will do to them.

 

its likes she is two people, she tells her friend all this stuff but at the same time she has no problem cuddling up, using my lap as a pillow as we watch TV or just sit back and be lazy. She is occasionally intimate with me, but now that I know all this I don't know why she is.

 

I have no one here I can talk to, I cant take this to family and I'm not close to anyone I work with. So I am coming here for advice.

 

She's being selfish and knowing you want her but she doesn't want to be with you at all. I guess in a way she used you to get away from her parents and you were the escape. If she miscarried then there was someone else she was seeing beside you. You feel hurt you feel used you feel unwanted and now your kids love her as heir mom, for her to stand up and leave on you is going to happen. Nothing you can do about that. Sorry that is happening to you. You have to tell her you know what's she is planning to do! Do not let her get away with it!

[coolheadal]

No I have no right or claim to be in the daughter's life. I have been the only father she has ever known, but since her mom and I have never married i haven't officially adopted her. So yes her mom has every right to just take her and leave and for me to never see or talk to either of them again. That is her choice alone to make.

 

I do understand her daughter's wants to go back home. It's the only home she has ever known. It's where all her friends are and her grandparents, everything she has ever known. She was brought to a place where she knows no one and wants to be back where it is familiar.

 

She may end up seeing me as a bad person because of what ever story her mom makes up. But I would rather her hate me under false pretense than for her to hate me because I abandoned her.

 

Of course my kids will be my first priority when it comes down to it. But even so I can't toss a child to the street and pretend I don't care what happens.

 

You have to put them both on a plan and send them back to the East. Just can't let them leave without help. Wouldn't be the right thing to do.. Also her kid is really not your own, same goes for your kids are not her kids either. Maybe it's just too much to raise 4 kids and be your wife for her to take in. She's bailing out for a reason...

[Lostweekend]

No I have no right or claim to be in the daughter's life. I have been the only father she has ever known, but since her mom and I have never married i haven't officially adopted her. So yes her mom has every right to just take her and leave and for me to never see or talk to either of them again. That is her choice alone to make.

 

I do understand her daughter's wants to go back home. It's the only home she has ever known. It's where all her friends are and her grandparents, everything she has ever known. She was brought to a place where she knows no one and wants to be back where it is familiar.

 

She may end up seeing me as a bad person because of what ever story her mom makes up. But I would rather her hate me under false pretense than for her to hate me because I abandoned her.

 

Of course my kids will be my first priority when it comes down to it. But even so I can't toss a child to the street and pretend I don't care what happens.

 

I absolutely hear you, and it must be such a difficult situation to be in! I have been in a somewhat similar situation. Was with a man many years ago and became very close to his daughter! The relationship ended amicably but the daughter was of course out of my life!

 

On a good note, his daughter came back into my life thanks to Facebook some years later. She was old enough to make her own choices and wanted me in her life. Very grateful for that and she is now 28 years old and a lovely lovely girl (or perhaps woman)

 

Your situation is very difficult, but I would definitely stand up for myself and make it clear in no uncertain terms that she is not allowed to treat you this way. Very disrespectful behaviour. By standing up for yourself, it might make her stop and think about what is at stake? The consequences of her actions. A final observation is that she is taking you for granted. She knows that you´re a caring and responsible person, and that you are carrying the weight for the both of you.

 

Sometimes you don´t know or appreciate what you have until you lose it, or someone slaps you around the head with a 2 x 4. She needs to wake up!!

[CountrySoul]

Today I became the type of person I hate. She went for a walk and left her laptop up so I looked at her browsing history and Facebook messages just too see with my own eye from her own profile.

 

She is have similar conversations with several male friends all over the US, people she knew in the military all of which talk about how much they love her and want her to move to be with them, and she gives them all nearly the same answer telling them she will be moving soon.

 

I even discovered she is on a dating site called hot or not, saying she is new to the area and living with "housemates.

 

I want to approaches her about this, but I don't know how to. I'm sure once I do confront her she will find some way to try and blame me.for everything or come up with some excuse.

 

I really wanted to take screen shots of everything so she can't deny it, but I feel so guilty for going through her computer.

 

I feel like such a damn fool

[kendahke]

Today I became the type of person I hate. She went for a walk and left her laptop up so I looked at her browsing history and Facebook messages just too see with my own eye from her own profile.

 

She is have similar conversations with several male friends all over the US, people she knew in the military all of which talk about how much they love her and want her to move to be with them, and she gives them all nearly the same answer telling them she will be moving soon.

 

I even discovered she is on a dating site called hot or not, saying she is new to the area and living with "housemates.

 

I want to approaches her about this, but I don't know how to. I'm sure once I do confront her she will find some way to try and blame me.for everything or come up with some excuse.

 

I really wanted to take screen shots of everything so she can't deny it, but I feel so guilty for going through her computer.

 

I feel like such a damn fool

 

Use your cell phone and take pictures of the screen.

 

When cheaters subconsciously want to be caught, they leave the information where it can be found.

[Cookiesandough]

Sorry for the slight derailment..but why would someone subconsciously want to be caught ? Like a serial killer where the emotional weight is too heavy ?

[kendahke]

You have to put them both on a plan and send them back to the East. Just can't let them leave without help. Wouldn't be the right thing to do.. Also her kid is really not your own, same goes for your kids are not her kids either. Maybe it's just too much to raise 4 kids and be your wife for her to take in. She's bailing out for a reason...

 

This is all BS.

 

She is have similar conversations with several male friends all over the US, people she knew in the military all of which talk about how much they love her and want her to move to be with them, and she gives them all nearly the same answer telling them she will be moving soon.

 

I even discovered she is on a dating site called hot or not, saying she is new to the area and living with "housemates.

 

No, OP , the only person who deserves the plane ticket to be sent back East is the daughter so she can go back to her grandparents where she wants to be, not be dragged all over the country while lying messy-mommy goes from man to man to man. She's the one who wants out, let her get that money from her folks. She's already used you and your generosity once. If she wants out that bad, she can figure it out. She's not a child.

 

And yes, you can leave her without help. It seems she's got more than enough help from all of the men she's singing her sob song to on Facebook. Given this information you have now, it's more than right to close the candy store.

 

It's too much to be with OP and it's too much to live with her folks. Gee--who is the common denominator in both of these scenarios? She was in the military, for chrissakes... they didn't turn her out without a skill. She's lazy and wants her way paid by others instead of working for her own keep.

 

 

She's bailing because she's a messy, triflin' liar and is looking for the lazy life where some man takes care of her.

[kendahke]

Sorry for the slight derailment..but why would someone subconsciously want to be caught ? Like a serial killer where the emotional weight is too heavy ?

 

because on some level, they're sick of the lies, but they're so caught up in them they can't come clean because it busts open their whole manipulation game.

[CountrySoul]

I still haven't figured out how to approach her. Today she lied to me yet again. She told me she was going to a breakfast with the women at her church. This evening I saw her phone and took a peak, she met some guy at his house, I wasn't able to scroll through to see if there was an address but all the same she lied yet again.

 

How do I approach this subject? I really need to get this done, but I've never been good at confronting people unless I am really pissed, but right now all I feel is hurt. I promised myself I wouldn't feel hurt anymore but I can't help it.

[CountrySoul]

So today I did it. I finally came out and told her about everything I knew, about reading her messages and the screen shots sent to me, everything. She broke down crying talking about what a mistake she made and how sorry she is. And as tore up as I am about it, I had to tell her I couldn't forgive her for it. All in all, it didn't end as bad as I thought it would have.

 

I did tell her that I would still help pay for her daughter's bdsay party coming up. It will be my last gift to her before I never see them again.

 

Even though I am relieved to have finally gotten it out of the way, I can't help but to feel torn up. My divorce didn't hurt nearly as bad as this does.

[Highndry]

You're a bigger man than many others who would have thrown her out instantly. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you should be proud for how you handled it. She is a despicable person, and that poor daughter will probably end up much the same.

[Cobra_X]

So today I did it. I finally came out and told her about everything I knew, about reading her messages and the screen shots sent to me, everything. She broke down crying talking about what a mistake she made and how sorry she is. And as tore up as I am about it, I had to tell her I couldn't forgive her for it. All in all, it didn't end as bad as I thought it would have.

I did tell her that I would still help pay for her daughter's bdsay party coming up. It will be my last gift to her before I never see them again.

Even though I am relieved to have finally gotten it out of the way, I can't help but to feel torn up. My divorce didn't hurt nearly as bad as this does.

 

I'm glad it went well. What have you learned from this?