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Dating younger woman


dozer4444

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Hello,

 

I was married for 20 years, living in the same house separated, for the past 8 years, for the children. Same ole story. I have always remained loyal to the marriage (not seeing anyone the whole time for respect for the household).

A few months ago Moved out finally to my own apartment.

 

I recently met a much younger woman, I am 49 she is 30. We hit it off immediately and have been dating and having the times of our lives doing every fun thing imaginable. (no sex, and very limited kissing). Lots of holding hands and hugging, and cuddling.

I have been very careful and have been extremely respectful of my contact with this woman.

She is extremely attractive and I am a very much younger looking 49 year old so we look like a very happy couple.

 

My Question is...Is this right? or am I setting myself for the inevitable?

 

this woman is a good girl--if you know what I mean. which means this could really turn into something bigger than I thought.

 

thanks

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Are you divorced yet? That will make more difference to this so-called "good girl" then anything else. If you can't commit to her, keep it dialed down until you can. If you are divorced, what's the problem?

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What is the inevitable? Are you being completely honest about your situation? Does she know your age, marriage, kids etc??? You mentioned separated but nothing else so I take it you are not divorced? That would probably become a really big deal for most women if things did get serious so you really need to close the door on that...

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CautiouslyOptimistic

If everything else is on the up and up, I see nothing wrong with 30 and 49. It's not like it's 18 and 37. At 30, a woman is a mature grown-up. And 49 year old men are quite sexy so I can't blame her ;).

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no, I am not officially divorced. My ex and I are currently waiting to save some funds for lawyer fees for the divorce. ( we amicably separated).

 

I am worried about the age difference. Is it not a good thing?

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I'm 45. Current romantic interests are both 29. Last GF was 26 (I was 41 then). The age has not been a problem at all but the not being divorced thing was. Get divorced first. Saving money is half BS. If you really wanted to close the door, you can really divorce for almost free. Especially if it really is amicable. Trust me the divorce thing is a HUGE deal. Even if you are 100% convinced you will never reconcile, your new GF will never see it that way...

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The age difference is not the problem. She's 30, not 19.

 

 

the problem which you are ignoring is that you are not divorced. You characterize her as a "good girl." First I take umbrage at calling a 30 year old woman a child but people do. Second, if you mean virgin or religious she is not going to deal well when she learns you are still married. Your plan to further delay your divorce after 8+ years of being "separated" will also not sit well.

 

 

Yes this will end badly for you but not because of the age difference.

 

 

My advice: get divorced or at least hire the lawyer, then date.

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When I mean a Good Girl, I mean she does go out to bars, she does not party, she has a respectful career, she is conservative and she is a very gentle person with nothing but good in her heart. (from what ive experienced).

 

Most definitively I believe a divorce is something me and the wife need to discuss sooner than later.

I would not feel good if I let someone this special go because of my pending nature.

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With a significant age gap - it's not about appearance - you'll need to be both be in the same place as far as goals (parenthood) which might be at odds since you're already a father and you didn't mention if she has children or wants any. Realistically large age gaps do tend to show up over time, both physically and goal-wise.

 

Have you explained to her the reason that you haven't divorced yet? In her shoes, I'd be wary of dating anyone who hasn't fully moved on from their marriage (divorced and has been single for a few years). It's good that you have an amicable relationship with your spouse, but work on getting your divorce because that will hinder your prospects in dating.

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Everyone I appreciate you insight.

 

If things get more intimate with this woman, I will sit her down and explain to her more details regarding my pending divorce. when? how long? etc.

 

Also I will sit my ex down and explain to her that I have started seeing someone. (out of respect to her and my teenage boys.)

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I would not feel good if I let someone this special go because of my pending nature.

 

 

Then make an appointment with a lawyer. Stop stalling.

 

If things get more intimate with this woman, I will sit her down and explain to her more details regarding my pending divorce. when? how long? etc.

 

Also I will sit my ex down and explain to her that I have started seeing someone. (out of respect to her and my teenage boys.)

 

 

She doesn't need details. She needs to know that you are not divorced & that you have started the process. If she never knew you were married don't be surprised if she dumps you for letting her believe you were truly single.

 

 

Why do you have to sit your EX down? Tell your kids but your EX isn't part of your decision making circle anymore. The fact you think you need to tell her indicates to me that you aren't ready to date & that is the real reason you have waited 8 years & continue to drag your feet. Just tell her. Don't act like she gets a say

 

 

Again, your actions not your age or even your not yet divorced status will impact this woman's desire to date you. You are not behaving like a man who is ready for a post-marriage relationship with somebody new.

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If she is a good girl, then you need to be an honest upstanding guy and tell her the truth. You need to be respectful to her or she's gonna run, because you kept this vital information from her.

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no no ,

 

of course I told her I was separated. I have already told her the whole story with my marriage start to finish.

 

My purpose to this post was to find out opinions on the 20 yr difference, however, it has turned to my current state with my separation.

 

It opened my eyes to at least start the process of divorce.

 

I do not want anything to do with my ex- in a marriage.

 

that is a true story.

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If she already knows your marital status what else is there to discuss with her?

 

 

Start the divorce process already.

 

 

We have all told you there is no problem with the age difference

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If things get more intimate with this woman, I will sit her down and explain to her more details regarding my pending divorce. when? how long? etc.

 

I would tell the new woman ASAP because if she is going to walk away, it is better sooner rather than later for your sake.

Also does she know how old you really are?

 

You may have an amicable separation, but that may turn to dust when she finds you are dating a 30 yo and planning more kids... You may find yourself in all sorts of battles...

Pity you left all the divorce stuff till now, that should have been all out of the way before you started dating again, with all the potential for conflict that may cause...

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You're fine. She's a mature adult, it's not like she's just out of college.

 

My first long time relationship after my divorce was with almost the same thing as you. I was 45 dating a 31 year old - a 14 year age difference isn't big. There is some difference, like she will probably like different music than you do, but in the big picture you're both at the same level of maturity. That relationship lasted 3 years, she broke up with me. The reasons have nothing to do with the age difference.

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Man, you are not even legally separated. You're living with your wife and kids and there is no lawyer within miles of this situation. That is the issue and nothing else.

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no no ,

 

of course I told her I was separated. I have already told her the whole story with my marriage start to finish.

 

My purpose to this post was to find out opinions on the 20 yr difference, however, it has turned to my current state with my separation.

 

It opened my eyes to at least start the process of divorce.

 

I do not want anything to do with my ex- in a marriage.

 

that is a true story.

 

No matter what your still married by paper and by the law. You just don't live together. Or do you both live in the same house. You need to push the divorce through so you can be free to do whatever you want with this new girl. Your wife could visit you jump in bed with you when your still married, I told my ex this too she was married and I told her you could still be involved with your husband even though he wasn't living with you. That's the problem being separated because your still married just separated. You have the choice to always go back to your wife and as she as the same choice also to go back to you the husband.

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I'm kinda surprised noone is saying the age gap is too big.

Not that I think it is necessarily, I've had a few similar age gaps.

 

For the short or medium term, should be fine (well apart from you not being divorced, but others have covered that)

 

If you are thinking longer term, it depends on what she is looking for. Kids being the big one...and if you have similar goals...

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I'm 45. Current romantic interests are both 29. Last GF was 26 (I was 41 then). The age has not been a problem at all but the not being divorced thing was. Get divorced first. Saving money is half BS. If you really wanted to close the door, you can really divorce for almost free. Especially if it really is amicable. Trust me the divorce thing is a HUGE deal. Even if you are 100% convinced you will never reconcile, your new GF will never see it that way...

 

I disagree. I think it's TOTAL BS!

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no, I am not officially divorced. My ex and I are currently waiting to save some funds for lawyer fees for the divorce. ( we amicably separated).

 

I am worried about the age difference. Is it not a good thing?

 

That's too much of a gap long term wise. And you should be concern. At least it shows you thinking straight. You in the honeymoon phase so doesn't seem like a big deal. Plus 1-2 years from not it's not a big deal.

If you thinking long term. What happens when you starting showing your age more at 55 going to 60?

 

Take 3 steps back. If you see a nice looking woman is her late 30s being with a guy in his late 50 to pushing 60. What would you think of them as a couple?

Short term not a big deal too much if you just looking for fun.

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I disagree. I think it's TOTAL BS!

 

You're probably right. I was in a similar situation as the OP, except I wasn't trying to save up money to afford a lawyer, I was trying protect assets and it took a couple years for me to get it all sorted. We were also amicable but I had to protect myself in case she did lawyer up...

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