She included me but there's an obstacle

[Bantosm]

I've known this woman for only about a week. We had an instant connection and everything has being going great. She and I have been talking twice a day for about 10 minutes at a time on weekdays. It's early but there's no doubt of mutual interest. I was already thinking about asking her out. Last Friday, she invited me to go with her to lunch.

 

As soon, as I sat in her car she mentioned that her boyfriend had a nickname for the car with one word the event was downgraded. She said that she's been seeing her boyfriend for about 6 months and they have been good friends since middle school. I thought this is looking bad but it turned out to be a good time.

 

Why do you think she waited until after she invited me to lunch to tell me about her boyfriend? The way things are going I think she and I will end up dating. Based on the amount of time and history she's had with her current boyfriend, if the relationship ends soon how long do you figure it would take her to get over it?

[rightondude]

where/how did you meet this woman again? And define what exactly happened during this good time...I don't see anything where she expressed displeasure with her current relationship. You must be leaving something out?

[act00]

Maybe she has an open relationship or maybe they haven't decided to be exclusive so she continues to date. The question is if you're okay with it. You need to know what the situation is with the boyfriend and be willing to accept she sees other people or you may just be a filler until she and this other guy get serious, officially, or whatever it is that's going on. Certainly you have the potential to be a rebound. Personally, I wouldn't continue. I don't know why she didn't bring up her boyfriend ahead of time other than you probably wouldn't have asked her out, wouldn't continue giving her attention and talking to her, and would not have gone out to lunch with her, so she waited until you were kind of stuck. Maybe she just wants to be friends. I don't know. It seems a little evasive and not a good start.

[coolheadal]

She has a bf why are you okay with that just because she said they're friends since middle school. Bf has a nickname for they car. This is not good but it's up to you to continue to see her. How many of you does she has on the side? So she and the bf have open relationship and your okay with that. If they do you have no future with her.

[d0nnivain]

The BF is not an obstacle. It's a full on stop. This woman lied to you about her status & what she wants. Remember if she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.

[coolheadal]

The BF is not an obstacle. It's a full on stop. This woman lied to you about her status & what she wants. Remember if she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.

 

Yeah so much of this is going on today married women do this as well. At lease he has been told upfront there is a 6 month bf lurking in background. She's either doing what she wants behind his back or he knows about it. Then that wouldn't be considered cheating in her eyes. No matter what in their head they think it's okay to fool around with a different guy while they have a long-term boy friend at home. It's another oops! adventure for the woman in question! The op is just long for the ride of a life-time even if it did get to that point! I would jump out of that car when she said that comment the bf has a nickname for the car!

[elaine567]

My guess is that she took one look at you, decided there was no chemistry, no spark and made up the bf on the spot in order to put up a wall and put you off.

 

If she is the cheating type then go ahead and "steal" her off her bf, but do not be surprised if she does the same to you, or she ends up seeing you both either openly or behind your back...

[kendahke]

 

Why do you think she waited until after she invited me to lunch to tell me about her boyfriend?

 

she wanted a free lunch. But I also think Elaine's hypothesis is correct, too.

 

The way things are going I think she and I will end up dating.

 

Not if her boyfriend gets wind of this. I'd be looking over my shoulder for him and his boys paying you an "are we clear on this?" visit.

 

Besides, why do you want to be "that" guy? Chicks that thin on the ground where you are?

 

Based on the amount of time and history she's had with her current boyfriend, if the relationship ends soon how long do you figure it would take her to get over it?

 

So, you have no problem with a girlfriend who monkey branches to a new guy while she's in a relationship already? She lines them up while she's with someone---so, what she did to get with you is what she'll do to you once she's with you. Human nature never changes.

 

If you were her boyfriend and she was writing in about sniffing in behind a new guy, what would you want us to tell her?

[smackie9]

She asked you out for lunch.....I hope she paid.

[Bantosm]

where/how did you meet this woman again?

She and I share a couple of classes together. There are many students so I was unaware of her until we were split into random groups for a project and I seen her working in the adjacent group. We listened to a couple of speeches and I made sure she seen me looking her way. When we came back to hear the next speech she moved from one side of the room was now right next to me but there was really no time to talk. The next time I had class I found her at break and introduced myself.

And define what exactly happened during this good time...I don't see anything where she expressed displeasure with her current relationship. You must be leaving something out?

The mere fact that she invited me to lunch should be an obvious sign.

The BF is not an obstacle. It's a full on stop.

She's not married. Maybe she's bored and looking for someone new. Maybe he's not treating her right. If I want to be with her and I think I can make her happier than her bf then I should do whatever is necessary to prove it. I don't know her well enough to make that decision but I'll certainly take the time and get to know her until I do.

This woman lied to you about her status & what she wants.

I never asked her either so exactly how did she lie to me?

Remember if she cheats with you, she will cheat on you.

Cheating is a strong word. If any female hangs out with another guy friend it's cheating?

My guess is that she took one look at you, decided there was no chemistry, no spark and made up the bf on the spot in order to put up a wall and put you off.

 

If she is the cheating type then go ahead and "steal" her off her bf, but do not be surprised if she does the same to you, or she ends up seeing you both either openly or behind your back...

So if she's a cheater then I can steal her from her bf if not then after a week of talking with me she suddenly realizes she has no chemistry with me yet invites me to lunch. That's silly

She asked you out for lunch.....I hope she paid.

Why? It wasn't a date. She invited me to lunch with her and drove me there after class.

[Erik30]

Seems to me like this girl was just being nice to you, and she's trying to make some new friends in college. Her mentioning the boyfriend was probably her way to let you down easy before you got the wrong idea about her intentions. "Lunch" doesn't mean anything, that's what friends do

[Bantosm]

Seems to me like this girl was just being nice to you, and she's trying to make some new friends in college. Her mentioning the boyfriend was probably her way to let you down easy before you got the wrong idea about her intentions. "Lunch" doesn't mean anything, that's what friends do

If inviting me to lunch is just being nice then what in the world does this girl have to do to show that she's getting interested in me, have sex with me? I've known her a limited amount of time and she's hasn't really had time to develop feelings yet she's initiating.

[d0nnivain]

She's not married. Maybe she's bored and looking for someone new. Maybe he's not treating her right. If I want to be with her and I think I can make her happier than her bf then I should do whatever is necessary to prove it. I don't know her well enough to make that decision but I'll certainly take the time and get to know her until I do.

I never asked her either so exactly how did she lie to me? Cheating is a strong word. If any female hangs out with another guy friend it's cheating?

So if she's a cheater then I can steal her from her bf if not then after a week of talking with me she suddenly realizes she has no chemistry with me yet invites me to lunch. That's silly

Why? It wasn't a date. She invited me to lunch with her and drove me there after class.

 

 

If it wasn't a date, it wasn't cheating. Yes, BF is less of a commitment then marriage but if she promised to be exclusive with her BF, she has no business leading another man on.

 

 

After she asked you to lunch -- simply for platonic reasons because she genuinely enjoyed your company which is a perfectly legitimate thing to do -- she may have realized that you were wondering if her invitation was an expression of romantic interest. To avoid the awkwardness of her having to tell you that she doesn't like you that way, she mentioned the BF. Some women do that to telegraph that they don't want a new man (here you) to ask them on a date because once she has to say no, the possibility of any friendship is ruined.

 

 

 

If inviting me to lunch is just being nice then what in the world does this girl have to do to show that she's getting interested in me, have sex with me? I've known her a limited amount of time and she's hasn't really had time to develop feelings yet she's initiating.

 

 

No she's initiating having lunch. While that can be an indication of romantic interest, once she mentioned her BF she was not so subtly telling you that she only wants a friendship. If you are down with that, carry on. If you are thinking about making a move, don't. It won't be welcome. If you prefer not to be "just friends" with a woman you are sexually or romantically attracted to, put some distance in here.

[Erik30]

If inviting me to lunch is just being nice then what in the world does this girl have to do to show that she's getting interested in me, have sex with me? I've known her a limited amount of time and she's hasn't really had time to develop feelings yet she's initiating.

 

There's a reason she brought up her boyfriend... Some girls just like having male friends. I could be wrong but that would mean she's willing to cheat on her boyfriend. If you want to be sure, ask her out or make a move. But if she really was just being nice and looking for a friendship, that will probably be the end of your "relationship" with her

[Cookiesandough]

I have a friend with a boyfriend who does this. She goes out with guys just as friends. She's kind of tomboyish and likes having male friends. I don't understand it, but her boyfriend is cool with it I guess. Since she brought up her boyfriend, I feel like she is spelling out to you this is platonic lunch. But I could be wrong.

[Bantosm]

No she's initiating having lunch.

She's initiated since since the start. She positioned herself closer after she seen me. When I first introduced myself at break she was sitting at a near full table. A few days later she moved to a table where it's been only her and I. Then she gave me half her candy bar. It's a progression.

While that can be an indication of romantic interest, once she mentioned her BF she was not so subtly telling you that she only wants a friendship.

Do you somehow believe that a female with a boyfriend cannot find herself more attracted to another guy? I believe she has a bf, and she's feeling confused with the situation. That's why it came out so awkwardly.

There's a reason she brought up her boyfriend... Some girls just like having male friends. I could be wrong but that would mean she's willing to cheat on her boyfriend.

I doubt it. I think she's going through motions of pulling away from her bf. Today, at break she started mirroring my gestures. I'm not sure if she felt self conscious but she suddenly mentioned something random about her bf.

If you want to be sure, ask her out or make a move. But if she really was just being nice and looking for a friendship, that will probably be the end of your "relationship" with her

You along with others have conveniently skipped over my second question asking how long to wait if the relationship ends. It's her choice. If she wants to be with me, she'll make that decision. If that what she decides, I understand it's going to take time for her to be fully ready to start a new relationship with anyone new.

[d0nnivain]

She may very well be playing with fire -- having a BF, flirting with you & feeling conflicted.

 

 

You wanna stick around & be an orbiter thinking that she'll eventually drop him & date you, that is your choice. There is no set time that you have to wait after she ends her relationship to ask her out. I had a friend who proposed to his now wife in the hallway of the courthouse immediately after he walked out of the courtroom from getting his divorce from his 1st wife (& no she wasn't pregnant)

 

 

Just be careful. Do you really want to be on the bad end of this pattern of behavior -- her having lunches & shared candy bars with your replacement?

[Erik30]

You along with others have conveniently skipped over my second question asking how long to wait if the relationship ends. It's her choice. If she wants to be with me, she'll make that decision. If that what she decides, I understand it's going to take time for her to be fully ready to start a new relationship with anyone new.

 

Do you really want to waste your time? The people here just don't want you to wait for a possible break up which may never happen. Sometimes when you like someone, you only see what you want to see.

 

Just keep doing what you're doing now with her, and focus on other girls in the meantime. If she at some point actually does break up with her boyfriend, and you notice she's started flirting with you, ask her out. Nobody can tell you how long you should wait... could be a week, could be a year...

[smackie9]

hey if you just want to smash, then do whatever.

[Bantosm]

Yesterday she seemed sad and it was the first time where she and I hardly talked. I wondered if maybe she broke up. Today, for the first time, she asked before break if I wanted to go to lunch. I gave my usual reply: sure. This was the third lunch. During break she said she was ready for lunch then mentioned playing volleyball with some friends and her boyfriend. I thought I'm not sure what's on but it's interesting. Right after break, I'm at my desk, she comes and over kind of jokingly, saying don't forget about lunch. As she's getting ready to drive to lunch, she tears off a memento attached to the dashboard and tosses down to my feet. I reach down and pick it up and it turns out to be photo of her bf. I tossed it back down. She didn't mention anything later and I'm not going to ask about her bf. I get the feeling she's going to be single soon. Thoughts?

[d0nnivain]

She is the type that wants somebody waiting in the wings before she jumps ship to the new guy. Are you going to be OK when she discards you that same way later?

[Bantosm]

I found out on Monday that the relationship ended during the weekend. She said she got closure. I expected it would take her awhile until she would be ready to date again. Today she hinted for her and I to go shopping and it came right when we were coming back from break and didn't have time to answer. I was surprised and would have preferred about a week to process it. After class, she asked if I wanted to go again and seemed really nervous. I said sure and got her number. Even though I pretty much expected that she and I would end dating now that it's starting to happen, it hard to believe.

She is the type that wants somebody waiting in the wings before she jumps ship to the new guy. Are you going to be OK when she discards you that same way later?

Do you assume that females always exit a relationship the same way each time or just this particular one? I don't worry about what might happen. All I can do is date her with no excuses.

[d0nnivain]

Do you assume that females always exit a relationship the same way each time or just this particular one? I don't worry about what might happen. All I can do is date her with no excuses.

 

Please don't call women females. It's insulting. You sound like a character from Star Trek.

 

I did not make a generalization about all women. Based on your posts I gave you my opinion interpreting her behaviors that you shared.

 

She has now broken up with her BF & transitioned seamlessly into a relationship with you. There has been no time for reflection. She moved from one guy to the next with no gap. I continue to predict that when she's done with you, this pattern will repeat. Enjoy what you have now.

[kendahke]

I found out on Monday that the relationship ended during the weekend. She said she got closure. I expected it would take her awhile until she would be ready to date again. Today she hinted for her and I to go shopping and it came right when we were coming back from break and didn't have time to answer.

 

What she is doing is monkey-branching. She doesn't bother to spend any time on her own between relationships. Could be because she can't stand her own company, she feels less-than without some man and any man will do to fill the void until the next one presents himself.

 

Do you assume that girls always exit a relationship the same way each time or just this particular one? I don't worry about what might happen.

 

And BTW--human nature never changes. We don't have to know her to recognize dysfunctional behavior patterns based upon what you chose to share about her. She doesn't let go of the last until she's got the next one lined up, which she has done here. This is how she will exit your relationship, too, so don't worry about that.

Edited October 13, 2017 by kendahke

[OatsAndHall]

Well, one of two things is going on here:

 

1. She views you as a platonic friend and just wanted to enjoy lunch with you. She told you about her boyfriend to establish a boundary and that is a boundary that you need to respect.

 

2. She wants something more from you but she is involved with someone else. Now you are looking at getting involved with girl who is willing to cheat on her boyfriend with you. This has "bad news" written all over it.

 

Either way, I would keep my distance because this doesn't end well for you.