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This older man at work


ShiningMoon

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Hi all,

 

I'm a 26 year old woman who has developed an interest in this 50 year old divorced man at work. We do not work in the same location. He is not my boss. He works in an entirely different department, but we have to work together. He is very high up in the company as he has been working there for about 15 years. He's very charismatic, great conversationalist, very exuberant, confident and a tad bit arrogant even. I have never been into older men, on the contrary, I usually prefer men my own age. I've never seen the appeal in older men, until this one came along.

 

When I joined the company last year, I did my training in his office. He seemed nice at first, asked me about myself and my career. I didn't think much of it. On my second day of training, he asked me to go out for drinks which I polietely declined. I didn't feel it was appropriate.

 

A year went by, we had a few work related contacts here and there. We had an incident during a phone call when he made a joke, asked if I was impressed and I said "No, not really". He kept apologizing during the call, but I was mad, I couldn't be bothered.

 

Then, when he heard I was visiting, he sent me an email saying he would have liked to go out for drinks, but that he would be off during my visit. Again, I didn't say much. I wished him a nice break and left it at that.

 

Turns out he was there during my visit. When he saw me, he came up to me to say "Hi". He had already gotten on my nerves at that point due to a work related matter, so when he said "Hi", I seemed a bit standoffish and cold. I smiled, but one could tell I was eyerolling internally. He was stuttering the entire time and to be fair, I was short with him. I was mad and the last thing I wanted was to talk to him in person. I was bit surprised he turned red and was stuttering, because he seems overly confident with other people.

 

Then, he kept ignoring me whenever he saw me in the office. Once, we crossed paths in the office, I turned to say "Hi" and he looked down. Fine. Then, two people were joking, he asked one of them about what we were talking about, the moment I said something, he shut down the conversation entirely.

 

The strange thing is he saw me walking down the street to grab lunch one day and I hadn't noticed him. He kept waving until I noticed him waving. Yet, in the office, he seemed to freeze me.

 

Last episode, when I returned to my regular office, he called me (he never calls me). He called me to speak to someone else. This someone else doesn't work in my department and has his phone number displayed in the staff directory/his signature. Why on earth would he be calling me to speak to this guy? Our phoes aren't connected, I'm not his secretary and I have no clue where this guy even sits. I found it bizarre that he called me (knowing the other guy and I don't share similar numbers at all) to speak to someone else. Then, he started stuttering and going silent, then stuttering again only to ask me "how are you" mid-conversation. I don't even know why he called.

 

Everyone in his office told me he talks a lot, cracks jokes and is overly confident. Yet, with me, he seems silent, distant and can't even string a sentence. I saw him with his female trainee who is about my age. He has no problem talking properly and is very talkative. Other girls in the office said he's very exuberant, talkative and overly confident.

 

Hence, I don't comprehend why he's so different with me. Apparently, his persona completely changed during my time in his office. Everyone told me he makes a lot of jokes on a daily basis, he's a bit immature and likes to talk about his personal life. Yet, the entire week I was there (sitting not too far from him), he was silent and very professional. Everyone was surprised because he seemed different from his usual character. I don't care much for this, but people took notice.

 

I am attracted to him, but at work, I'm very professional and don't let my bias take over. I've never flirted with him, unlike the other girls in my age range. I'm a bit more distant with him than I am with the other ones, because he has a bit of temper and also, I don't want him to think I like him. I'm an extrovert and talk to everyone, but with him, I become a bit more tongue tied for some reason.

 

Now my questions are:

- Why is he acting distant/cold towards me as opposed to the warm ways he treats others? As far as I am aware, my actions certainly do not show I am interested in him.

- How do I build a rapport with him?

 

I'm not saying I will marry the guy!

 

Thank you!

Edited by ShiningMoon
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If there is one thing you make abundantly clear in your post is that this 50 year-old man acts different when he is around you. That likely means that you are hot and men like hot women. Now, what are you expecting from this other than a nice ego stroke that we all love, right?

 

He is old enough to be your father and he is a co-worker. Nothing substantial is likely to come of this but pure animalistic sex if you so choose to do so but, trust me, he will then act differently around you afterward and the whole thing will probably lose its charm.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Hi all,

 

I'm a 26 year old woman who has developed an interest in this 50 year old divorced man at work. We do not work in the same location. He is not my boss. He works in an entirely different department, but we have to work together. He is very high up in the company as he has been working there for about 15 years. He's very charismatic, great conversationalist, very exuberant, confident and a tad bit arrogant even. I have never been into older men, on the contrary, I usually prefer men my own age. I've never seen the appeal in older men, until this one came along.

 

When I joined the company last year, I did my training in his office. He seemed nice at first, asked me about myself and my career. I didn't think much of it. On my second day of training, he asked me to go out for drinks which I polietely declined. I didn't feel it was appropriate.

A year went by, we had a few work related contacts here and there. We had an incident during a phone call when he made a joke, asked if I was impressed and I said "No, not really". He kept apologizing during the call, but I was mad, I couldn't be bothered.

Then, when he heard I was visiting, he sent me an email saying he would have liked to go out for drinks, but that he would be off during my visit. Again, I didn't say much. I wished him a nice break and left it at that.

Turns out he was there during my visit. When he saw me, he came up to me to say "Hi". He had already gotten on my nerves at that point due to a work related matter, so when he said "Hi", I seemed a bit standoffish and cold. I smiled, but one could tell I was eyerolling internally. He was stuttering the entire time and to be fair, I was short with him. I was mad and the last thing I wanted was to talk to him in person. I was bit surprised he turned red and was stuttering, because he seems overly confident with other people.

 

Then, he kept ignoring me whenever he saw me in the office. Once, we crossed paths in the office, I turned to say "Hi" and he looked down. Fine. Then, two people were joking, he asked one of them about what we were talking about, the moment I said something, he shut down the conversation entirely.

 

The strange thing is he saw me walking down the street to grab lunch one day and I hadn't noticed him. He kept waving until I noticed him waving. Yet, in the office, he seemed to freeze me.

 

Last episode, when I returned to my regular office, he called me (he never calls me). He called me to speak to someone else. This someone else doesn't work in my department and has his phone number displayed in the staff directory/his signature. Why on earth would he be calling me to speak to this guy? Our phoes aren't connected, I'm not his secretary and I have no clue where this guy even sits. I found it bizarre that he called me (knowing the other guy and I don't share similar numbers at all) to speak to someone else. Then, he started stuttering and going silent, then stuttering again only to ask me "how are you" mid-conversation. I don't even know why he called.

 

Everyone in his office told me he talks a lot, cracks jokes and is overly confident. Yet, with me, he seems silent, distant and can't even string a sentence. I saw him with his female trainee who is about my age. He has no problem talking properly and is very talkative. Other girls in the office said he's very exuberant, talkative and overly confident.

 

Hence, I don't comprehend why he's so different with me. Apparently, his persona completely changed during my time in his office. Everyone told me he makes a lot of jokes on a daily basis, he's a bit immature and likes to talk about his personal life. Yet, the entire week I was there (sitting not too far from him), he was silent and very professional. Everyone was surprised because he seemed different from his usual character. I don't care much for this, but people took notice.

 

I am attracted to him, but at work, I'm very professional and don't let my bias take over. I've never flirted with him, unlike the other girls in my age range. I'm a bit more distant with him than I am with the other ones, because he has a bit of temper and also, I don't want him to think I like him. I'm an extrovert and talk to everyone, but with him, I become a bit more tongue tied for some reason.

 

Now my questions are:

- Why is he acting distant/cold towards me as opposed to the warm ways he treats others? As far as I am aware, my actions certainly do not show I am interested in him.

- How do I build a rapport with him?

 

I'm not saying I will marry the guy!

 

Thank you!

 

Start being nice to him, for one. Secondly, stop sending him mixed messages. You're being totally cold and sometimes rude, and you wonder why he acts nervous around you?

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Start being nice to him, for one. Secondly, stop sending him mixed messages. You're being totally cold and sometimes rude, and you wonder why he acts nervous around you?

 

The reason why I turned a bit "distant" towards him is because I know he has a temper. He was rude a few times in the past, so I distanced myself even more. Whenever things don't go his way at work, he can lash out via email, which I think is highly unprofessional. This is a trait most people know about him. I called him out on the phone once, which changed the dynamic. I went from nice and friendly, to slightly distant. I figured I had to handle his temper this way, by building a barrier, which he sensed.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
The reason why I turned a bit "distant" towards him is because I know he has a temper. He was rude a few times in the past, so I distanced myself even more. Whenever things don't go his way at work, he can lash out via email, which I think is highly unprofessional. This is a trait most people know about him. I called him out on the phone once, which changed the dynamic. I went from nice and friendly, to slightly distant. I figured I had to handle his temper this way, by building a barrier, which he sensed.

 

What do you like about him?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
By the way, how am I rude? Cold, yes. Rude, I don't think so.

 

I guess I don't see much of a difference between cold and rude. This man has done nothing to you. Being able to sense your internal eye rolls would probably definitely be perceived as rude. You seem to really have a disdain for the guy, yet you also like him. There's a huge disconnect, for me anyway. I'm confused.

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I guess I don't see much of a difference between cold and rude. This man has done nothing to you. Being able to sense your internal eye rolls would probably definitely be perceived as rude. You seem to really have a disdain for the guy, yet you also like him. There's a huge disconnect, for me anyway. I'm confused.

 

Like I said, he lashed out via email a few times in the past, in the most unprofessional manner. It hurt my feelings. It's not in the company culture to lash out at people the way he did back then.

 

I liked him initially and was nice to him, until this episode. Then, when I called him to figure out what the issue was, he made fun of my last name which happens to be foreign sounding (the bit where he asked me if I was impressed).

 

Hence, I would not go as far as saying he's done nothing to me. This episode really changed my behavior towards him.

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What do you like about him?

 

Well, I think my last question indicates I don't know him well, so I cannot pin point why exactly. If I had the answer to this question, it would be a good start. As I said, men his age are normally not my cup of tea, no matter how good looking they are.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Like I said, he lashed out via email a few times in the past, in the most unprofessional manner. It hurt my feelings. It's not in the company culture to lash out at people the way he did back then.

 

I liked him initially and was nice to him, until this episode. Then, when I called him to figure out what the issue was, he made fun of my last name which happens to be foreign sounding (the bit where he asked me if I was impressed).

 

Hence, I would not go as far as saying he's done nothing to me. This episode really changed my behavior towards him.

 

Oh, ok. I didn't catch that he had actually lashed out at YOU....I thought you had just heard that about him.

 

Seems to me like you might think of him as a challenge? And maybe you like him simply because he seems to like you/be intimidated by you?

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Well, I think my last question indicates I don't know him well, so I cannot pin point why exactly. If I had the answer to this question, it would be a good start. As I said, men his age are normally not my cup of tea, no matter how good looking they are.

 

You find him interesting because you see something like own personality in him as you did describe his behavioral pattern traits to us. Your independent you don't take any nonsense to heart. Direct bold woman, also your blunt and very well educated as well. But I see you like a challenge as well my dear. I can't speak about him but you sure peak my interest but I don't see why he can't manage or handle himself more correctly with you. Everyone here things you are scaring him off. I've seen this in my own company as well we have one manager that so rude and yet she doesn't understand why everyone can't stand her. I am not saying you like that but I had to pull her over to one side and being so blunt with her to give her a word of advise. Treat others as you would like to be treated as. Now if you want this 50 year old then do the same thing. Otherwise move on and just keep him as friend at work instead of trying to go out on a date with him.

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I find it hard to believe that a 50 year old with 25 year experience in the industry, a corporate title and the money that goes with it, would be intimidated by a 26 year old woman. He's not intimidated by my own manager who I know is just as blunt or other women who are older than me.

 

I work in an industry that requires to be tough. I don't mistreat anyone, on the contrary. Everyone tells me I'm personable and nice to work with. However, if someone crosses a line, my attitude changes radically. I think if I was too nice to him, he would be walking all over me, like he did in the beginning when he lashed out.

 

 

As I said, I'm nice to everyone. He's the exception to the rule. I try to be nice to him, but I get nervous/scared, so my walls go up and I turn cold.

 

I found him attractive when I intially met him, but I didn't think much of him.

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A 50 year old man in his position is not intimidated by OP and if he had a romantic interest would not have lashed out at her. He would have used a softer touch because he would be afraid he would turn her off to him. Lastly, if he were interested he would let you know. It is never a good idea to get involved with people you work with.

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A 50 year old man in his position is not intimidated by OP and if he had a romantic interest would not have lashed out at her. He would have used a softer touch because he would be afraid he would turn her off to him. Lastly, if he were interested he would let you know. It is never a good idea to get involved with people you work with.

 

I don't agree with this at all.

 

I was once in a situation where I like someone who worked in the same company, but was younger. I really liked him and wanted to date him. However, one time he did something he shouldn't have done and I lashed out at him in person, not even via email. It didn't change the fact I liked him, but the situation caused me to get annoyed. It's work, these things happen. Personal feelings don't come into play when it's work, sorry. I'm good friends with certain people I work with, but if something isn't done properly, I can lash out (in a respectful way).

 

This 50 year old man didn't yet at all me or called me an idiot. Actually, he lashes out at everyone! He's known for that. Sometimes, I see the way he talks to his trainee and coworkers, I'm baffled by the lack of respect. Truthfully, he tends to generally be a bit more tempered with me, except for that one time. Aside from that one time, he's usually polite. However, once bitten, twice shy. I'm more distant now despite the fact he remains polite.

 

Didn't he let me know already? He asked me to go out for drinks twice already. I think it's pretty obvious. Mind you, when he asked the first time, he asked three times and there was only the two of us in the office. The second time, he asked on the same day he heard about my visit. There's also harrassment rules, bear that in mind.

 

Honestly, if he wasn't interested at all, he wouldn't even have bothered asking me to go out for drinks in the first place, knowing I'm not part of his team.

Edited by ShiningMoon
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I find it hard to believe that a 50 year old with 25 year experience in the industry, a corporate title and the money that goes with it, would be intimidated by a 26 year old woman. He's not intimidated by my own manager who I know is just as blunt or other women who are older than me.

 

I work in an industry that requires to be tough. I don't mistreat anyone, on the contrary. Everyone tells me I'm personable and nice to work with. However, if someone crosses a line, my attitude changes radically. I think if I was too nice to him, he would be walking all over me, like he did in the beginning when he lashed out.

 

 

As I said, I'm nice to everyone. He's the exception to the rule. I try to be nice to him, but I get nervous/scared, so my walls go up and I turn cold.

 

I found him attractive when I intially met him, but I didn't think much of him.

 

So your attracted by who he was or who he is or the money of 25 years that goes with his title there? Your scared by him and the walls have gone up to the point you get to be a little more controlling over him. He has some issues with social grace with the employees like yourself. This is getting a bit messy here you both are at work. Why not confront him at lunch or better yet in the parking lot at work. Why do you have to confront him during working hours?

Edited by coolheadal
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The last thing I care about is his money or corporate title. After all, he's way above me. Why should he care? That's why I mentioned those traits.

 

 

I would definitely not say I am controlling over him. That's not the right word. I'm wary. I do not control anyone, nor do I wish to.

 

I never confronted him. Who said I confronted him? I simply put my foot down once, when he crossed the line. I did it in a polite manner, not in a confrontational way.

 

There was an issue that came up one day. He lashed out via email. I called him on the phone to understand what the issue was, instead of ping-ponging via email. He started making fun of my foreign sounding last name. I told him I was not impressed after he had asked whether I was impressed. He apologized. End of the story.

 

Apart from this incident, I've always been cordial towards him. I'm just cordial. I don't make jokes or act overly friendly like I do with other people. I remain at bit distant. He's the one who looked down when we crossed paths and I wanted to say "Hi".

 

It's not getting messy. Nothing has happened. I'm cordial though distant. He seems a bit awkward around me. There's nothing messy in here.

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Have you ever considered he may not actually like you, as in the generally accepted use of the term and not in the "interested in a romantic way" use of the term. When I do not like someone I am cold, stay out of their way and am generally distant.

 

Maybe he is also worried about his "joke" at the expense of your foreign sounding surname. Being accused of racism in the workplace, is a very serious thing and he maybe is actually scared now to engage for fear of upsetting you.

 

If he is well known for lashing out, then stay away, that will not end well...

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I am so lost on exactly what it is that you want. You like him, you don't like him? You want to go out with him? You don't? You want him to be friendly towards you? You don't want any attention from him?

 

Assuming you want to go out with him since you're posting in the dating forum, and you want him to stop being cold towards you at work, then I suggest being friendly towards him. Stop being cold. Stop the cold body language where he can "sense your inner eyeroll." Just say hi and smile and talk to him if the opportunity presents itself. Don't be distant towards him while being friendly towards others. It's pretty simple.

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Although the possibility that he may not be interested romantically crossed my mind, I discarded it to an extent as he asked me to go out for drinks not once, but twice. He didn't ask while we were surrounded with tons of people who were going too, he asked me once via email and another when there was just the two of us left in the office.

 

Anyway. I dropped by his office this week to see someone else. He saw me from his desk, he blushed and starred at his computer. Everyone greeted me, except him. Then, my manager had to ask him from the opposite end of the room "X, Please come say hi", as if he was a little kid scared of a stranger or a distant aunt. It made me laugh a bit.

 

On his way to me, he said: "Actually, I was just talking about you with Z (another male colleague) before you got here, but it's not work related, don't worry". None of them knew I was going to show up, so I really didn't understand what he meant, especially not work related. Why even mention it then?

 

He managed to say hi, but I could tell he felt uncomfortable. I didn't have a poker face. I was actually friendly and smiling. He kept blushing, looking down and adjusting his clothes, smiling. Then, he laughed and left.

 

I understand he is older, which can deter most people. However, I'm almost 27, not 18. I may still have a lot to learn, but I'm not fantasing over dating an older man because it's "cool". As a matter of fact, older men don't do it for me. I've only been attracted to guys my age so far and I still am. I'm also not trying deal with a "daddy complex" because my father has always been very present and supportive, so I'm not seeking to fill a void.

 

I find him attractive and the few times we spoke in the beginning whether on the phone or in person (before that "racist" incident), we hit it off pretty well. There's no specific reason why I'm attracted to him, I just am. I simply want to drop the walls whilst keeping his respect.

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Cookiesandough

Why didn't you go for drinks alone with him??? That could have given you a chance to get closer. I am inclined to agree he is not romantically interested romantically or does not want to go there for some reason. That type of man usually go for what he wants.

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Why didn't you go for drinks alone with him??? That could have given you a chance to get closer. I am inclined to agree he is not romantically interested romantically or does not want to go there for some reason. That type of man usually go for what he wants.

 

Because I didn't think it was appropriate. He's a higher up and I didn't want to go there because we work together. The idea of going out for drinks with someone in higher management is already crossing a line in my eyes. It can easily be misinterpreted and turn against me.

 

Ok. Then, why did he ask me out for drinks, twice at that?

 

This is what confuses me about this hypothesis. Surely, a man who's not at all interested doesn't ask at all.

 

I rejected him twice, so my take on it is he thinks I'm not interested and therefore chose to drop the idea. I may be wrong though and he was never interested in the first place.

 

It also doesn't help that I look about 20 in person. I think it may easily come across as creepy for him.

Edited by ShiningMoon
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ShiningMoon, you have some damage to undo. You have admittedly been very cold towards him, especially after his little commentary that you didn't find funny at all. He's going to be avoidant. There's no mystery there. A first step got taken on breaking the wall, and while he had to be called to say hi, you acted friendly...I hope. I wouldn't expect much on a romantic level, but I see it as a good step in rebuilding better work rapport and possible personal rapport. You sound scary, to be honest. I agree with a prior post, that while his comment was probably out of line, being accused of racism in the workplace, and any commentary that can be seen as offensive, is going to cause a shift in interpersonal relationships, as these are very serious accusations. Obviously he shouldn't be saying inflammatory things, and likewise people should avoid being overly-sensitive to a slip-up or "foot-in-mouth syndrome." Sh*t happens, and unless this is a pattern or highly derogatory, it shouldn't be an end-all, be-all. I would avoid any interpersonal communication with a coworker if they were that highly sensitive. I would like to keep my job. The guy sounds downright nervous around you, and sometimes people get diarrhea of the mouth when they're nervous, especially trying to fill in the gaps of silence...it's clumsy and uncomfortable.

 

You didn't accept drinks because you thought it was inappropriate, and now that you're not getting the attention you want, after being downright cold towards him, you have decided to abandon the appropriateness or not of the situation and you want him sniffing after you again.

 

What do you want? Dating coworkers is always a slippery slope, and while he may not be your direct boss or someone you interact with personally and daily, your work lives seem to be highly intertwined in that you have regular interaction. Repair the work rapport first. If you want to keep him sniffing after you, and if you want to go out with him, you need to be friendly like you are with everyone else.

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Cookiesandough

Bosses can ask clients out to get to know them socially. It really depends on the context, did he explain why or was there a reason? Was it a group meeting or one on one(more rare)? There is a possibility there but I just think if he wanted to date there would be no mystery there. Creating it can make your work environment very awkward!!!

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