Dating someone who is homeless... [UPDATED]

[Olympia]

I'm going to start at the beginning so im sorry if this is long! :o I just really need to get my thoughts out to some good old impartial advice!

 

I went 'out out' with a friend, she met a guy and wanted to go on somewhere else and i wanted to go home. Should of called a taxi but I had it in my head that I could walk and catch the last train home. To cut a long story short, I got mugged, or I would of, but right when I'm handing everything over to this guy, completely terrified, this second guy appears, i thought he was an accompanist to start with but he wasn't, he and the original guy had a bit of a scuffle and the other guy ran off.

 

I was in a real state, and he was just awkwardly comforting me. Eventually i noticed his arm was bleeding pretty bad, caught by the first guys knife. I wanted to take him to a&e, he refused heavily (turns out he didn't have an address because he was homeless, and he was amendment he wouldn't go to hospital so i took him back to mine - least I could do, i thought)

 

I bandaged his arm as best i could, I let him have a hot shower and I made him some food, i think in a way looking after him calmed me down.

 

Anyway, scrubbed up he was handsome, strikingly handsome, and (in hindsight, a bit reckless, but I had been drinking, and my emotions were all over the shop) I invited him to spend the night, he was hesitant at first but not for long, and we slept together.

He cooked in the morning and after that we went our separate ways.

 

It wasnt my most mature of moments but it wasnt a massive regret for me or anything, he was hot, the whole thing was mutual, it was just a one night thing!

Only, i thought about him a lot, for some reason I just couldnt get the guy out of my head.

 

Three weeks later I was in town (a different town because if gone to see my cousin, that's how big a coincidence this is) and I walked past him busking on the street. He had a great voice, but i kept walking because i didn't know what to say. I got half way home when something took over me and told me i just had to say something . I rushed back.

 

I don't want to make this post unnecessarily long but to give a jist, I sat down next to him on the street and we talked and talked for over two hours. Its a weird sensation because sat there i'd never felt so invisible to the world, but i also cant remember a time i'd ever felt quite as 'seen' by someone as i did him then, seen for just me, not the impression of me or expectation of me or whatever else people see when they look at me. Plus he was funny! Really funny! His company was so so easy!

 

I asked him how he came to be on the street. His mum died when he was 14, his dad was in jail, he went into care, then got involved with the wrong people, got involved in stealing cars for order, decided he wanted to raise himself out of that, that he 'didn't want to be his fathers son', went into the army, loved it, served 4 years, got medically discharged a year ago, couldn't get another job, went couch to couch for a bit, and then ended up on the streets. Although he actually camps out in the country and comes into the city to busk each day.

 

I told him I worked in digital financial marketing, he was like "right but what did you want to do? No 7 year old wants to work in financial marketing! Who were you before the world told you who you should be?" I told him a baker, which he found hilarious as i hadn't known how to cook pancakes the other morning!

I asked him the same question and he told me "a racing driver", so nothing dramatic or anything he said he did karting, that he was good, that his mum took him to races and champs every weekend, and she taught herself mechanics so her and him could work on the kart in the evenings. A women that apparently never even learnt to drive!! Just loved simply because he loved it! He'd stopped racing after she died but he still loved cars and getting under the bonnet.

 

I told him that id been quoted £550 to fix a rattling noise my car was making and id happily pay him if he'd look at it. He was straight away like "i'll look at your car if you want but i don't want your money".

To cut a long story short he came over mine the next day and fixed the car (said £550 was daylight robbery, because it was only something that needed tightening ) After a lot of to and froing he finally accepted £50 on the condition I'd go to dinner with him... which i did.

 

That's not been the last time I've seen him! I keep finding excuses to hang out with the guy, I've seen him another 3 times since. Heres the thing... I really like this guy, like I really like him! We come from such different backgrounds, such different words and yet, when im with him all of that seems so unimportant!

 

But like, is this crazy? Am i crazy?

My parents would flip if they knew, like seriously flip!! My friends, I don't know that the majority of them would understand. I cant help but they have a point, if im losing it! But if its wrong, how can it feel so right!!

[Cookiesandough]

You really gotta be careful bringing strange guys to your home. Wow.I know he kind of saved you and he was injured. But that is very very dangerous. You could've gotten hurt or worse.

 

That aside, yea it is kind of crazy, but life is crazy. Date who you want to. Just be careful

[normal person]

But like, is this crazy? Am i crazy?

My parents would flip if they knew, like seriously flip!! My friends, I don't know that the majority of them would understand. I cant help but they have a point, if im losing it! But if its wrong, how can it feel so right!!

 

I'm of the opinion that if you're happy, so be it. But I know what other people think about us is a large part of life for some people. So if a relationship with this guy (and all that it entails) is more valuable to you than the opinion of your friends and family, then I don't know if there's any reason for you to stop just yet, assuming you're ok with the homelessness. If their opinions are more valuable to you than your relationship with him, then yeah, I'd consider breaking up with him. Assuming you can't have both. Just be careful.

[coolheadal]

Stranger or not, you still need to know all the facts about him? He needs to be checked out by a medical doctor ASAP! This way if he has any germs or diseases you will not be effect at all if found and cured. Do a criminal background check on him as well as credit check? You have too today just can't take anyone word on these subject.

[smackie9]

I get he seems a great guy BUT, he's living on the street for a reason. I don't know that reason, but it could be as simple as mental illness, hiding a drug problem, whatever. I feel no matter what, if you have a great work ethic, you can get a job. I don't think he wants or cares to work, he enjoys his freedom hobo-ing.

 

I suggest you don't invite him to live with you, and don't open your wallet for him. At least don't get into the habit of "helping" him. You need to screw your head on straight and realize the possibility, this guy has no intention of ever having a normal life.

[rightondude]

just a thought but if he's that good at fixing cars (or busking) why doesn't he have a job doing so? Or does he prefer living a bum's life? If so, great, but realize you're dating a guy who *prefers* to live on the streets ... and all that entails. Otherwise go forth with your hollywood-eqsue adventure. Kinda like Pretty Woman but in reverse.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

This sounds like a movie script.

[limichelle]

Yeah except in the movie he becomes her knight in shining armor and transforms himself with a high paying job, then wines and dines her and they dance happily at their wedding ceremony.

 

Op The reality is yeah he saved your life and to me that shows his compassion. Other then that please don't keep drawing him into your world. Like others said there is a reason he won't work and is on the streets. He could be a drug user and that scares me that you slept with him right off the bat!

You can be nice to him but I wouldn't romanticize anything with him. I doubt relationship is the first thing on his mind. He's trying to survive and you know nothing truly about him.

 

I find it endearing you don't mind falling for someone without means. It shows you're not superficial or materialistic.

 

That hold onto but him let him go. He's a lost soul.

[jay1983]

Something isn't right about the way this went down.

[grays]

For some people homelessness is a temporary rough spot, for others a downward spiral. My guess is that hes not so hardcore, or he wouldnt be attractive to you. What do you think?

 

And, OP, I love how compassionate and non-judgemental you are. Whether your relationship works out or not, it must be so nice for him to be treated like a normal viable person. I say follow your heart but keep your wits about you.

[smackie9]

It's not uncommon for people to "fake" being homeless because begging can be very lucrative. Some can make as much as $200 buck a day. They just go from city to city so people don't catch on.

[act00]

People can be down on their luck, but if one is purposely homeless, chooses busking and panhandling over regular work, and won't adhere to work or regular housing (rent) and most likely roommates at first, it makes me wonder about about his mental stability and mental state as a whole, let alone drugs and addiction. After military, there can be some serious psychological issues (PTSD), but also physical issues. Something isn't right, and if you're okay with the notion that long-term, he's going to live the life of a gypsy while you bring home the bacon and house him and feed him, and god willing he has the stability to care for the children as a SAHD and that responsibility, and doesn't drag the children to the streets, so he can sing or play his guitar for quarters, and hopefully he doesn't dabble in misdeeds while the kids are prime for the picking or wander off, all the power to you.

 

Everyone seems to be saying to go for it, while I'm thinking, there's something seriously wrong here, and you have no idea what it is because you don't really know him, but something is wrong. He's charming, he's handsome, he's engaging, he rescued you, he's good in bed, but he can't hold down a job, find a job, or function in normal society, and that is a really big issue.

[Olympia]

You really gotta be careful bringing strange guys to your home. Wow.I know he kind of saved you and he was injured. But that is very very dangerous. You could've gotten hurt or worse.

Yeah I know! Its not like i make a habit of doing that or ONS or anything, I don't. I think it was just a combination of factors

 

So if a relationship with this guy (and all that it entails) is more valuable to you than the opinion of your friends and family, then I don't know if there's any reason for you to stop just yet, assuming you're ok with the homelessness. If their opinions are more valuable to you than your relationship with him, then yeah, I'd consider breaking up with him.

It's just hard, like.. stuff like that is really important to my family, i can still remember how upset my parents were about my sister dating a guy who was a teacher! They thought it wasnt a good enough career, and there was major drama! And i love my family, my friends, its all ive ever known, and I don't know this guy that well!! But something in me really wants to, wants to know him better.

 

Stranger or not, you still need to know all the facts about him? He needs to be checked out by a medical doctor ASAP! This way if he has any germs or diseases you will not be effect at all if found and cured. Do a criminal background check on him as well as credit check? You have too today just can't take anyone word on these subject.

In a sense though you kind of take that risk whoever you 'get to know' they could turn out to be different to what you thought! Obviously I know the homeless thing sets the alarm bells ringing straight away, and I do need to be more careful, but i cant exactly march him down to the police station or the bank or whatever to get checked out, can I!?

 

I get he seems a great guy BUT, he's living on the street for a reason. I don't know that reason, but it could be as simple as mental illness, hiding a drug problem, whatever. I feel no matter what, if you have a great work ethic, you can get a job. I don't think he wants or cares to work, he enjoys his freedom hobo-ing.

I think, I mean i can only think because the reality is that of course i don't know him well enough to say who he is or why he does what he does.

He's super super anti drugs and that though, he won't really talk about his dad but I think its drugs that got his dad in jail, one way or another.

You need to screw your head on straight and realize the possibility, this guy has no intention of ever having a normal life.

Which is just, hard, I wish i could know how to figure that out.

 

just a thought but if he's that good at fixing cars (or busking) why doesn't he have a job doing so?

I said that to him, he could certainly could be fixing cars for a living, he's good at it!

He does make money busking, i think its just really hit and miss, like if its horrible weather he might play all day for a tenner but some days he could make up to £40. He said a woman stopped him one day and asked him to play 'simply the best', he had to youtube the words, and after he played she gave him £20! Apparently now whenever hes having a bad day he'll play it to cheer himself up and on the off-chance that she might walk past and hear! Haha!

I think the thing is he's homeless but hes not sleeping in shop doorways like a tramp, he's basically camping out in the country and commuting in each day, he makes enough money to eat and buy what he needs.

[Olympia]

Op The reality is yeah he saved your life and to me that shows his compassion. Other then that please don't keep drawing him into your world.

Do you think that i'm being unfair to him?

 

You can be nice to him but I wouldn't romanticize anything with him. I doubt relationship is the first thing on his mind. He's trying to survive and you know nothing truly about him.

I find it endearing you don't mind falling for someone without means. It shows you're not superficial or materialistic.

That hold onto but him let him go. He's a lost soul.

The thing is that if you'd asked me before if id consider someone in the situation he is now then, if im really honest, id probably have said no! But I've never met anyone like him, and theres something there, some kind of something between us!

I've had two serious relationships in the past (both junior doctors - deemed very acceptable by the parents ) and I've realised now that i was never 'in love' with either of them! - Not that I'm saying I'm in love with him, that would be crazy, i've just met the guy but I know by how i feel when we talk, that i was never that into either of them.

But i know that I cant save him, it's for him to decide what hes going to do with his life

Edited September 24, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Olympia]

For some people homelessness is a temporary rough spot, for others a downward spiral. My guess is that hes not so hardcore, or he wouldnt be attractive to you. What do you think?[

Oh yeah, I mean he's definitely not one of these half conscious, druggy, grubby types that you might picture when someone says 'homeless', like you wouldnt really know he was homeless, he looks maybe a tad scruffy! And theres nothing wrong with him, to talk to he's just like anyone else, he's funny, he's got a dry sense of humour but he's really really funny.

 

And, OP, I love how compassionate and non-judgemental you are. Whether your relationship works out or not, it must be so nice for him to be treated like a normal viable person.

 

People can be down on their luck, but if one is purposely homeless, chooses busking and panhandling over regular work, and won't adhere to work or regular housing (rent) and most likely roommates at first, it makes me wonder about about his mental stability and mental state as a whole, let alone drugs and addiction. After military, there can be some serious psychological issues (PTSD), but also physical issues.

It's hard, I've not seen any signs of anything being wrong, not that i'm an expert. He loved the military though, he didnt want to leave, he was medically discharged.

 

Something isn't right, and if you're okay with the notion that long-term, he's going to live the life of a gypsy while you bring home the bacon and house him and feed him, and god willing he has the stability to care for the children as a SAHD and that responsibility, and doesn't drag the children to the streets, so he can sing or play his guitar for quarters, and hopefully he doesn't dabble in misdeeds while the kids are prime for the picking or wander off, all the power to you.

I'm okay with earning more, im not okay with carrying someone through life. But i am okay with the fact that every relationship is going to be all ifs and buts at the start and you don't know what someone is going to turn out to be like or if you are going to want the same things. But my biggest concern, and maybe it seems shallow, but its the strength of the reaction that i know will come from family/friends, the potentially repercussions of that, i just don't know.

Yet at the same time the thought of not seeing him anymore.... I hate that!

 

He's charming, he's handsome, he's engaging, he rescued you, he's good in bed, but he can't hold down a job, find a job, or function in normal society, and that is a really big issue.

Yeah I know it is, I know it is!

[introverted1]

What was he medically discharged from the army for?

[Olympia]

What was he medically discharged from the army for?

He suffered a bad head injury, but he was cleared fit to work and redeployed and then suffered a major seizure, completely unexplained but now he suffers mini non-epileptic seizures very occasionally but they can't find any sort of trigger and that meant he couldn't serve anymore and they discharged him.

He said he suffered some concentration and memory problems as well initially, which is why he got into music and taught himself guitar as a way to push himself, and that its really helped and thats much better now.

[grays]

You know, its not like you have to decide if he's someone you want to spend the rest of your life with today. You can hang out and see what happens and learn more about him.

[fiskadoro]

Cosigned! Spend more time with him and see where it goes. I mean, he fixed your car, saved you from danger, and cooked for you! Lots of people pass through rough patches, and he is a veteran, being in the military messes some people up a bit.

 

I for one am glad to see you approaching this with an open mind, but why wouldn't you? It's easy to be non-judgemental over something "slight, but I applaud you... as much as I can applaud anyone for dating a man who seems to be a great catch.

[smackie9]

Figure him out? Just frickin ask him. Ask him if he prefers the street life or what his goals are. Brain injuries are like mental illness, sometimes are even worse, so you need to keep this in mind. IMO something is seriously holding him back and he's not willing to tell you. Eyes wide open.

[mortensorchid]

I was with someone at the beginning of this year who was semi-homeless. Long story short he reached out to me on Facebook as he was moving to my city in a few months, was looking for a woman to be with waiting for him. He was couch surfing at a friend's house (I'd never been there), then another friend's house, then another, etc. It didn't bother me at first, I realize it will take a person a while to get settled, etc. Then I found something in his bag one weekend : a business card for a DEA officer in Colorado. I said "Excuse me, what's this?" He said he was caught with a wad of cash. A search a few hours later proved to me exactly why (he's in the drug business). I said "GET OUT". And he did.

 

Honey, fun is fun, but we're grown ups now. Ditch this loser. You deserve more than what he has to offer.

[rightondude]

I myself am kind of warming up to this dude: lives off the land, off the grid, comes into the city to save damsels in distress, can fix cars and sing a pretty song, and gets to freak some chick he saves off the street from getting mugged ... damn this is what I wanted to be when I was 18! Or an episode of Daredevil, I dunno.

[Olympia]

You know, its not like you have to decide if he's someone you want to spend the rest of your life with today. You can hang out and see what happens and learn more about him.

Cosigned! Spend more time with him and see where it goes. I mean, he fixed your car, saved you from danger, and cooked for you! Lots of people pass through rough patches, and he is a veteran, being in the military messes some people up a bit.

I know, I know, you are completely right! I'm leaping ahead, we are just hanging out, its not like he's asking me to marry him, or even to go steady!

 

I think the thing that's getting me overthinking is that i know the reaction that will come from my family, and some friends, and that's kind of putting more pressure on me, because i can't mention him to anyone, i have to really hide this whole thing! Until such time as its either over or I know, with confidence, that he is worth all of that fall out. I think that's whats maybe making me get ahead of myself. Because i wouldn't normally rush getting super serious anymore.

 

I for one am glad to see you approaching this with an open mind, but why wouldn't you? It's easy to be non-judgemental over something "slight, but I applaud you... as much as I can applaud anyone for dating a man who seems to be a great catch.

True true!

[Olympia]

Figure him out? Just frickin ask him. Ask him if he prefers the street life or what his goals are.

For sure he'd say that this is temporary and he's on top of sorting things or whatever, but I'm not naive enough not to realise that there's a difference between talking about doing something and actually doing it, and I've not known him long enough to know which type of guy he is.

Brain injuries are like mental illness, sometimes are even worse, so you need to keep this in mind. IMO something is seriously holding him back and he's not willing to tell you. Eyes wide open.

I don't pretend to know loads about brain injuries, I'm sure that it probably has been more of a struggle for him than he would let on, because that's just his personality, he puts a good spin on everything.

[EthanSPK]

Dear, I gotta say my heart is melting at your story and that doesn't happen often.

 

But be careful.