Grieving SO after loss of pet / his ex in the picture

[newheart]

2 part post here, and I had no idea where would be the best place to post this so I am starting here. My former partner and I somewhat reconnected just this week, and yesterday, his dog passed away unexpectedly. (We are just talking through some things, not back in a relationship at this point) Regardless of what we are, right now I am just hurting because he is hurting and I am seeking some feedback on how to help him cope. I just don't know how to help him.

 

I sat there with him last night for three hours on the couch holding his hand and listening, but I felt so ... inadequate. There is no other way to explain it. There is nothing I can say to ease the pain of his loss, and he is taking this incredibly, incredibly hard. He isn't handling being in the house well as everything reminds him of her, but at the same time, he has another dog which he is worried about, and doesn't want to leave him alone. He is also worried at how the other dog is coping, understandably.

 

I know everyone grieves differently, but if anyone can provide me with any advice, I'd really appreciate it. So far, I have just given him space while letting him know I am there if he needs anything. We are supposed to play golf tomorrow which I said we can reschedule, or to change to do something else (hang out at home with the other dog , or take him out) but he said getting out of the house will do him good, so he still wants to go. But then, today he had a difficult time leaving for work so I am not so sure. I guess all I can do is be supportive and be there if he needs me, and give him space if he doesn't.

 

Part 2 -

 

The second issue is my own, based on fear and insecurities. I feel selfish writing these things, but I am a little fragile right now so while you can tell me I am wrong or crazy (I welcome that, lol) please be nice. This was his dog with his ex-wife. They were basically their children. I am an animal person, so I completely get this, while some people may not. That said, she came to his house. She helped him clean up. She bought him a new lamp to replace one the dog damaged. He said it was helpful - they talked about the memories with her, and it was healing. He told me some of the stories, and then said he doesn't know what he would have done without her help yesterday. They even discussed the possibility of her having some type of visitation with the remaining dog. He said he hoped that talking about it with me wasn't making me uncomfortable. I was understanding, and just listened, but inside it did bother me.

 

I keep thinking - I can't live up to her. I can't provide those same comforts, I didn't have that history with him. I feel like she was so helpful to him, and then I come and sit like a lump, clueless with what I should be doing. I've even thought, somewhat irrationally, that maybe they will get back together now.

 

(And lastly, while we have been apart most of this year, I miss the dog too ... she was a part of my life too, and I regret that I didn't get to see her again before she passed. But I have just kept this to myself, he has enough to deal with)

 

That all said, what matters most to me is how I can help him, if I can help him. The second part is for me to work through, my own issues, but just wanted to write.

 

Thanks everyone.

[Gaeta]

Losing a beloved pet is a terrible thing to go through. I have been through it before and preparing to go through it again as my dog is heading to its 11th year. When I lose a dog I am a total wreck crying in bed for days. There isn't much you can do then just be there and comforting. There is no magic words just say you are sorry and are sharing his pain.

 

Let him reach to his ex if this is what he needs to do. It's just a phase and a a normal process. Going back to her or seducing her is the last thing on his mind. I don't know about losing a pet I had with an ex but when my ex-H died all of his family reached to me and needed comfort from me. His widow didn't see it as a threat. My ex-H and I had spent 15 years together, it was normal for his family to reach to me, we had shared this man for a long time.

[SevenCity]

In my life, the most traumatic events I have been through are breakups (with a women I really loved) and the death of pets (this includes the death of friends and family members).

 

To scale it, the prior girl took me a 2 years to get over and the latest one I'm a year in (much longer RL). I'm feeling much better after that time but still have a way to go.

 

Conversely, it took me a full 10 years to get over the passing of my dog to the point where I was ready to get another. His passing damaged me in a way that I can still be brought to tears by the thought of it.

 

When getting over a relationship you often have clarity that it was not as good as you thought it was. You see flaws in the ex you ignored and usually come to the conclusion it's better off you are no longer a couple.

 

With pets, they never do anything but give you love. There are no flaws to find and you love all the quirky elements of their personality. It's complete and honest love all the time. They never complain, never get angry with you (well except cats maybe lol), and only want your attention.

 

If your ex is anything like me he will have a VERY hard time with this and will seek out comfort from anywhere and anyone. My advice, just be there for him. You're human, it's ok to get jealous, but don't let it out as it will only push him away.

 

This will take time for him....allow him that.

[newheart]

Losing a beloved pet is a terrible thing to go through. I have been through it before and preparing to go through it again as my dog is heading to its 11th year. When I lose a dog I am a total wreck crying in bed for days. There isn't much you can do then just be there and comforting. There is no magic words just say you are sorry and are sharing his pain.

 

Let him reach to his ex if this is what he needs to do. It's just a phase and a a normal process. Going back to her or seducing her is the last thing on his mind. I don't know about losing a pet I had with an ex but when my ex-H died all of his family reached to me and needed comfort from me. His widow didn't see it as a threat. My ex-H and I had spent 15 years together, it was normal for his family to reach to me, we had shared this man for a long time.

 

Thank you, Gaeta. You are right, I have lost small animal pets (and currently have a dog, and can't imagine) and I know the pain it causes ... like you, days in bed.

 

The ex thing is something I will need to get over, it is just tough with my anxiety. Thank you for your response.

[newheart]

In my life, the most traumatic events I have been through are breakups (with a women I really loved) and the death of pets (this includes the death of friends and family members).

 

To scale it, the prior girl took me a 2 years to get over and the latest one I'm a year in (much longer RL). I'm feeling much better after that time but still have a way to go.

 

Conversely, it took me a full 10 years to get over the passing of my dog to the point where I was ready to get another. His passing damaged me in a way that I can still be brought to tears by the thought of it.

 

When getting over a relationship you often have clarity that it was not as good as you thought it was. You see flaws in the ex you ignored and usually come to the conclusion it's better off you are no longer a couple.

 

With pets, they never do anything but give you love. There are no flaws to find and you love all the quirky elements of their personality. It's complete and honest love all the time. They never complain, never get angry with you (well except cats maybe lol), and only want your attention.

 

If your ex is anything like me he will have a VERY hard time with this and will seek out comfort from anywhere and anyone. My advice, just be there for him. You're human, it's ok to get jealous, but don't let it out as it will only push him away.

 

This will take time for him....allow him that.

 

Thank you Seven, very much. I am trying to find a balance between ensuring he knows I am available for him, and giving him the space he may need. The last thing I want to do is push him away at this time. It hurts me to think he may get the comfort I can't give him from his ex wife, but I will just have to deal with that myself. Writing here helps.

 

What you wrote in bold is so true, and very sweet. In many cases, it may be the only time some of us get to truly experience unconditional love.

[d0nnivain]

Have him check out a web site called Pet Loss [dot] com. They do a candle light vigil on Mondays. It's quite lovely

[SevenCity]

Thank you Seven, very much. I am trying to find a balance between ensuring he knows I am available for him, and giving him the space he may need. The last thing I want to do is push him away at this time. It hurts me to think he may get the comfort I can't give him from his ex wife, but I will just have to deal with that myself. Writing here helps.

 

What you wrote in bold is so true, and very sweet. In many cases, it may be the only time some of us get to truly experience unconditional love.

 

Glad I could help.

 

I've blurred that time in my life but from what I can remember it was just helpful for people to be there for me. I didn't much want to talk about it but knowing people where there helped.

 

And yes, unconditional love I feel is only capable from a pet. I don't think humans are capable of it.

[preraph]

You don't need to take it any further than being there for him over this loss. Don't complicate it. He's an ex and all you need to do here for the next week or two is accept whatever he wants to do. Like if he wants to cancel golf, don't take it personal. If he wants the distraction, great. He probably needs it.