Jump to content

I don t want to spend much time with my girlfriend... I feel bad about it?


laracode

Recommended Posts

Hello guys,

 

It's been on my chest for so long so I decided to ask you,

 

I am 18 y old, busy person - working as a programmer, have many IT rewards (I mean - I am busy most of the time busy with working out + having a job [as programmer]), she is a great person with big heart. I've been with her for ~ 2 years. We broke up ~ 1 year ago for 1 month because I was not sure about my feelings. I contacted her again (because I though it was a mistake to break up) and we got together... I doubt my feelings a few time since then, I am not so much attracted to her, she started gaining weight a bit (she is not fat at all but she gained some weight - not in the best shape) but I do not think this is the main reason, Idk i just... when i see other beautiful girl I am just freaking out - everything inside me is just... sometimes these girls look at me, and just ... (I have never cheated and i won't) but it's really hard, and if for some reason some beautiful girls likes me this kills me inside, just ... I talked with my gf about getting fat, i adviced her that she needs to train more, it's good for her, well she is working out but lost the passion and said "If you don't like me, go and find some skinny girl", but I didn't told her "I dont like you that way", I just explained she can get fat easily..., but it's not only that I do not know.. for example she is very attached to me, she always wants to be with me (she understands I am busy and tries to stay away when I can't), she wants to go with me somewhere for 2-3 days to sleep together on some hotel or somewhere on vacations and I just.. idk I do not like really sleeping together alone (we have great sex) but i don't know if I am really bad guy and some weirdo that does not want to spend 3 days with his girlfriend. When I start doubting my feelings like that - it gets worse, I get colder and colder... I am not sure if the whole year I was convincing myself that I love her (if it was an illusion) or not. She blames me that I dumped her before and says that if this happens again this will be the end , I do not want to lose her at all, but... on the other hand some time i am freaking out and most of the time ~ last year it was feeling heavy on my chest, I can't stand this forever... I really have feelings towards her but...

 

Please help, it hurts inside, I try to not think about it, and when I don't the things are going ~ good, but sometimes when she wants to go with me somewhere for example on vacations and I do not want to go (I am busy - this is the main reason, but also not sure if I want to go there) i really start doubting my feelings, she blamed me that I always reject going on vacations, special places with her...Sometimes I am having great time but most of the time some voice inside me says "Is she going to be your wife" and often doubt myself. Maybe this is because I have not had any girlfriends before this ~ i was 16.

 

The next year i will go in university in another city and she will be here, I have a car and i can travel but still... I am not sure if I would be able to keep the relationship, if i am sure in my feelings - of course will do everything for her!

 

 

Thank YOU!

Edited by laracode
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you should end it. I can't imagine it feels anything but awful for her to have a boyfriend who's so ambivalent. And it sounds to me like you've already bern plenty hurtful to her and will continue to be hurtful going forward.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I tried 100% my best to not hurt her, when I had these thoughts I just acted like nothing serious happens... when she notice I doubt my feelings she tells me, but I never told her, just thought I was crazy and something is wrong with my mind and in a day or so everything becomes normal and she is happy, I really respect & love her, and talk with her, just this is the only thing I hide from her because it can be just my stupid mind and ... and hurting you because of my stupid mind is just crazy. But sometimes it's heavy for me...

Link to post
Share on other sites

You should break up. Even if she lost weight, I doubt you would be magically attracted to her again. Sometimes those feelings wear off. The two year mark a lot of times when that happens. Just try to make it hurt as least as you can for her. Be honest about it. I don't see any reason to say it's the weight because then she'll just say she'll lose weight. Tell her you're not feeling it anymore. You care for her and all that but it's run its course.

 

Try to be kind and hope she doesn't turn into a stalker.

 

P.S. Hold up- is there another girl on the picture? I'm curious.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Unfortunately, you just are going to have to rip the band-aide off OP. It might really hurt in the short-term to see her cry and lose her friendship, but what is the long-term alternative. Stay in a situation forever that you aren't thrilled with where you are always tempted to stray?

 

People break up with each other even after a couple of years.

 

Tell her that you just aren't ready to settle down yet.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I am not sure guys, I will lose a very good friend which i love and care for her! That's the main reason, if she wasn't so good-hearted person I'd dump her ... but the good heart is the thing I like...

And just will be "another guy" who dump-ed her girlfriend because he is bad-ass and regrets this...

 

I love this song - Too much love will kill you (Queen) and the text of the song:

"Can't you see that it's impossible to choose?

No, there's no making sense of it

Every way I go I'm bound to lose"

Edited by laracode
Link to post
Share on other sites

I promise your be doing more damage to this girl by staying in this relationship, she most likely already knows something off with the relationship.

 

You are not an ******* for ending an relationship, you be an ******* for holding a girl back who you are not in love with or attracted too.

 

Please if you are going be a wimp and stay, stop bringing up her weight as your are seriously denting her self esteem by doing this.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
I am not sure guys, I will lose a very good friend which i love and care for her! That's the main reason, if she wasn't so good-hearted person I'd dump her ... but the good heart is the thing I like...

And just will be "another guy" who dump-ed her girlfriend because he is bad-ass and regrets this...

 

I love this song - Too much love will kill you (Queen) and the text of the song:

"Can't you see that it's impossible to choose?

No, there's no making sense of it

Every way I go I'm bound to lose"

 

Good tune. So true.

 

You sound like a really sweet guy. I can feel through the screen how much this is tearing you up. You only have 2 choices here though. Stay with her and be more and more discontent and miserable. Or leave her and feel guilty for awhile, wonder if you made a mistake and move on wit cha bad self.

 

Tough spot to be in for sure.

 

You're very young. This s^%# happens. You have to keep moving on and grow. So does she. Otherwise you'll end up back on here in 10 years mad at the world because you married her and it sucks.

 

Give it a little time and see how you feel about it a little later. Maybe the choice will become obvious to you.

 

See that's why I always like to be the dumpee. No regrets. Their choice. I know that sounds pretty foolish but it works for me. :lmao:

Link to post
Share on other sites

Look you are only 18 and she is probably younger. You both have your lives ahead of you and yours is screaming "c'mon" meaning you want to explore. You have only known a relationship with her and are fearful of the unknown. I doubt it is her weight that is your problem but an excuse. You probably have more of an unsettling feeling that you need to move on. You should break up with her before you start at the new school.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Good tune. So true.

 

You sound like a really sweet guy. I can feel through the screen how much this is tearing you up. You only have 2 choices here though. Stay with her and be more and more discontent and miserable. Or leave her and feel guilty for awhile, wonder if you made a mistake and move on wit cha bad self.

 

Tough spot to be in for sure.

 

You're very young. This s^%# happens. You have to keep moving on and grow. So does she. Otherwise you'll end up back on here in 10 years mad at the world because you married her and it sucks.

 

Give it a little time and see how you feel about it a little later. Maybe the choice will become obvious to you.

 

See that's why I always like to be the dumpee. No regrets. Their choice. I know that sounds pretty foolish but it works for me. :lmao:

 

Well for an year or more I am with her after such thing happened, and I am scarred, it started with thread in the forum like this and it ended in a break-up, thought it was me - and maybe it's my mind, I am not an ugly guy so I can say there is girl interested in me but all it feels like I am going to make the most foolish mistake in my life - the other option is to wait and to love her and have doubts which I should ignore and i'll love her more or get in the ****ing position, I am not sure why I am thinking about the future, but i'm scarred of it. And about everything else in my life - I am ready to work 24/7, deal with issues and hard times, but this one... is the only one It kills me... and the more i talk about it the worse it becomes..

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Look you are only 18 and she is probably younger. You both have your lives ahead of you and yours is screaming "c'mon" meaning you want to explore. You have only known a relationship with her and are fearful of the unknown. I doubt it is her weight that is your problem but an excuse. You probably have more of an unsettling feeling that you need to move on. You should break up with her before you start at the new school.

 

My mind wants to explore - for sure, but I am afraid of the result of the "exploration"

 

and yes - i want to be the one who's been dumped as well but she cares ... :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Hello I posted a similar thread already but I thought for a while so I changed it a bit. I really feel desperate, please help, it's a long post but I really appreciate your help

 

I am 18y old boy, I'm currently studying, but working as a web developer for a few companies, also I am an athlete. ~ 2 years ago when I got interested in relationship I liked a girl and we got together, a 4-5 months later I started doubting my feelings, I felt obsessed, etc.. September 2016 we broke up because I had the same doubts I have now, we broke up for a month - I was not sure if i love her or not, after a month we got back together (I contacted her), since then we are together but I had my doubts, just for a few days it can not get out of my head. It's hard to explain, for example I am not that attracted to my girlfirend so when I see another girl I start doubting everything, for example I like some girls thinking, my girlfriend acts childish and I think way more mature and I think this is a problem + lack of attraction. When I doubt my feelings previously I talked to her but she got upset but now I just ignore it and think it's something in my head. But I am afraid in a few years If i keep ignoring this feeling I will be in a relationship that was a mistake and many years wasted... When I see another girl and she likes me I get mad, there is a spark in me, for example my girlfriend wants to sleep with me in a tent with her friends or go somewhere on a hotel for a few days, I don't really want this ( she got upset for a bit from my decision, but i really do not want to go there with her), is it normal? Also i don't like her friends, they go to parties always and do not take the life seriously but she is different than them or idk maybe it's an illusion, she is a great girl, with great heart just I often have these doubts and it's killing me inside when I have these doubts. And these doubts are just... I am scared that in a few years I may have to marry her and not be happy with my decision. I love her and I respect her but physically I am not attracted to her... or not too much, about the other girls - I know the grass is not greener always, I have never flirted with other girls but just when some girl likes me and it kills me inside because I ... just don't know, I do not want to hurt her breaking up with her and regretting the decision, but if I stay in this relationship it may kill me as well and in a few years to be a nightmare...

 

Queen

Can't you see that it's impossible to choose?

No, there's no making sense of it

Every way I go I'm bound to lose

 

Too much love will kill you

Just as sure as none at all.

 

 

I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP!!!

Link to post
Share on other sites

You say yourself you are not attracted to her. You also seem to be asking if you should break up with her or not. It's going to hurt her, but be fair to her you need to do it now and not wait. It would not be fair to her.

 

Your feelings for other women is not being fair to her if you stay with her.

 

I keep mentioning "her" do what is right for her. Hurting people isn't always intentional, but staying with her when you aren't attracted to her will be intentional and it will really hurt her and if you have emotions you will regret hurting someone when you could have done what is truly right for the both of you at this time.

 

I was young once too, and even when we get older we still have lots to learn. You might need to just learn that doing something you view now as mean or could hurt her (breaking up with her) pales in comparison to leading her on.

Link to post
Share on other sites

//I do not want to hurt her breaking up with her and regretting the decision//

 

Oh, and one last thing, this is your ego speaking and you may not realize it but you already pointed out you are not attracted to her. Don't be selfish. Set her free, she has feelings and needs also, the sooner you set her free the better.

 

Your regret will be stronger if you fake liking her or at least it should be if you plan on being a compassionate person to others.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are only 18. Don't force yourself to stay with someone you don't really like. Get out there, date around - the world is yours to explore right now.

 

Yes, it will hurt her. But you've known for a long time that you're not that into her. Do the kind thing and let her go.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Yes, but I like this girl she has many things I like in her but there is lack of physical attraction and communication... When we go out together most of the time i do not doubt my feelings but I do not miss her when I do not see her, she can go somewhere for a week and I still won't miss her ...

Link to post
Share on other sites
I am 18 y old, i do love my girlfriend, however I am working hard as programmer, don't have much free time. That's not the issue though. But I do not want to spend much time with my grlfriend, we've been together for 2 years (she is my first) but still for example, her parents are on vacation, she wants to sleep with her, but I do not want that, I do not know why, I feel obsessed or idk what.. but just don't know why don't want to spend too much time with her, I enjoy being with her 1-2h, and we visit each other 3-4-5 times / week but still... she wanted to go on a hotel with me for a 3-4 days but still i don't know why I do not want this. There is no big physical attraction, however i find her a bit attractive (but we've been together for 2 years which I think is understandable)

 

Let her go.

YOU may like her to some extent, but not enough to be in a relationship with her.

You are only 18, you cannot spend the rest of your life with someone who you are just meh about.

That is not fair to her either, no-one wants a bf who would rather be somewhere else...

So do the right thing and break up with her.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

Maybe she's weirded out by being alone in the house and is looking to you to protect her and because you're not is why you feel bad.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok you posted this THREE times already. I give you the same advice and many others have given you before.

 

BREAK UP WITH HER. How many times do you have to be told this? man up and do the right thing. Stop wasting this poor girl time.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well, what are you talking about? I am trying to figure out my feelings, talked to many people, want to get the best decision, when I am with her it's okay, we have good sex, etc...

but... then why I would love her as hell, if i didn't have the feelings to her I would have dumped her already...

 

And why I always should "Stop wasting her time", it's not about wasting time, it's about finding the best decision, and finding your partner.. we all take risks when we fall in love with each other... She can dump me as well or cheat me... that does not mean she is wasting my time...

 

Sorry guys, thank you for helping me, It's really painful for me.. that's the reason why I post it :sick:

 

You help me a lot and I appreciate it!

Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, what are you talking about? I am trying to figure out my feelings, talked to many people, want to get the best decision, when I am with her it's okay, we have good sex, etc...

but... then why I would love her as hell, if i didn't have the feelings to her I would have dumped her already...

 

And why I always should "Stop wasting her time", it's not about wasting time, it's about finding the best decision, and finding your partner.. we all take risks when we fall in love with each other... She can dump me as well or cheat me... that does not mean she is wasting my time...

 

Sorry guys, thank you for helping me, It's really painful for me.. that's the reason why I post it :sick:

 

You help me a lot and I appreciate it!

 

You are wasting her time because you don't love her. You don't like spending time with her. You don't even really find her attractive.

 

It's wasing her time because she could be single and move on and meet guys who are attracted to her and want to be with her.

 

Let her go.

 

And give yourself a chance to meet someone you want to be with too.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

When you are with the right girl you will want to spend all of your free time with her. You are basically cheating yourself as well as your soon to be ex gf. Find the courage to let her go.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Just be friends with her. She can go find someone who is equally attracted to her. There is no crime in ending a relationship. Obviously it's getting to the point your relationship has ran it's course because it's no longer progressing. Remember some day she will want to live together, and get married, have kids. If you have other plans then just end it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
AmberValentines

Hi there :)

 

I will share my opinion on this.

 

It is a normal thing to be unsure, especially if it's your first relationship.

 

However, just because it is your first relationship, it does not mean that it is not good enough.

 

Everyone has their WHY in a relationship. You need to ask yourself a few questions.

What do you like about this girl?

What do you want from your relationship?

How would you feel without her?

What are you prepared to do in order to keep the relationship?

How can you make the relationship more exciting to you?

 

When answering these questions, be honest with yourself. Many relationships come to the stage where excitement fades away and something needs to happen in order to get the excitement back. You might be at this stage :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...