Should bad sex be the end?

[lilyblue]

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I never felt much chemistry from the start, he is unsure of himself when it comes to sex and it showed. He spent the first year not really doing much to try and please me, despite my efforts to try and communicate and create some chemistry. He claimed inexperience and lack of confidence. I would suggest things, and he might do them once, but never again, leading me to believe he didn't enjoy them. At some point I gave up. Then, deciding to try and do something about it again, we went to therapy. There it came out that he never understood what I meant (though in my opinion I was pretty explicit, and he never asked when he didn't understand). Things have not improved since then (this has been over about 9 months). He did mechanically try different things here and there after therapy, but it all seemed so forced and I couldn't get excited by it.

 

He is very caring in other aspects of our relationship. But I just can't seem to let go of the fact that he went over a year without caring enough to "figure out" (in quotes because I was telling him, I wasn't making him play a guessing game) how he could make it better for me. I'm so frustrated with our sex life and we haven't even tried in forever now.

 

I just can't figure out if this is something we could work out of. It's been a struggle our entire relationship.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Does he get aroused when you have sex? Does he have issues with his erections? Is he on medication? Over-weight? Healthy or unhealthy?

 

Do you believe he finds you attractive?

 

Personally, I would not stay in a relationship where the sex life is inadequate. If things don't change, will you consider leaving him? Is it that important?

[Scarlett.O'hara]

It sounds like you have both tried to make it work in your own way, even attempting therapy which shows how serious you both are to make things work. However, if it doesn't feel right for you or him then you might just be sexually incompatible.

 

What you have to decide is whether the other positives in the relationship outweigh the fact that you are unlikely to ever be satisfied in the bedroom. It is a personal decision, and one that only you can make for yourself.

[SammySammy]

It should be the end.

 

It should have been the end after two months rather than two years.

 

Life is too short for bad sex and bad relationships. I don't expect a person to be perfect. However, if we're not good to and for each other then we at least need to be making an effort to learn how to please each other.

 

Situations like this tend to get worse, not better. That's why I believe in ending things that aren't working quickly. Rather than letting them linger on for a year, two years, and so forth. That's time wasted in a relationship that's going to end anyway.

 

I have a general rule when it comes to relationships: Be Good or Be Gone. In and out of the bedroom.

 

This guy should have a choice to make ....

[coolheadal]

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. I never felt much chemistry from the start, he is unsure of himself when it comes to sex and it showed. He spent the first year not really doing much to try and please me, despite my efforts to try and communicate and create some chemistry. He claimed inexperience and lack of confidence. I would suggest things, and he might do them once, but never again, leading me to believe he didn't enjoy them. At some point I gave up. Then, deciding to try and do something about it again, we went to therapy. There it came out that he never understood what I meant (though in my opinion I was pretty explicit, and he never asked when he didn't understand). Things have not improved since then (this has been over about 9 months). He did mechanically try different things here and there after therapy, but it all seemed so forced and I couldn't get excited by it.

 

He is very caring in other aspects of our relationship. But I just can't seem to let go of the fact that he went over a year without caring enough to "figure out" (in quotes because I was telling him, I wasn't making him play a guessing game) how he could make it better for me. I'm so frustrated with our sex life and we haven't even tried in forever now.

 

I just can't figure out if this is something we could work out of. It's been a struggle our entire relationship.

 

Just maybe sex isn't in the cards for you two? Is he gay or not out of the closet type? Was he every abused as a child or adult. Do you know his history of love/sex. So no sex but you love him and two get along otherwise, but no sex. Has he ever had sex with someone else? Have you ever asked him these questions. Seeking help by professional doesn't always means it going to work out for you too. They just try to narrow things down so you can understand why your partner is not doing the things he or she shouldn't be doing or suppose too. The final outcome is always the same results, which is simple put nothing happens and nothing changes. Back to square one!

 

You can have sex by-you-self, but again is that what you want, no you want to have sex with your man..Can he get it up or is he limp. What gets me how did the two of you ever get to this point knowing there wasn't going to be any sex between you too. Why did you let this get to this point, sounds like you didn't care to just get out of this so call non-sex relationship.

[joseb]

I'm not getting the impression that these two aren't having sex. Just that the op isn't enjoying it. And he's not very good at oral/foreplay/etc. Perhaps op can clarify?

 

Edit. Just saw the "we haven't tried in forever" so I guess no sex at all now? how long has that been?

 

 

Anyway. I'm with Midnightdreams. It should have been the end a long time ago. Life really is too short.

Edited September 20, 2017 by joseb
Missed some detail

[basil67]

I'm wondering if he could be gay and not realise it. Aside from his lack of interest in pleasing you, does he seem to enjoy sex? Does he love your naked body?

[ExpatInItaly]

I think this needs to be the end, yes.

 

You two have tried and it hasn't worked. You're incompatible in a significant way, from my point of view.

[elaine567]

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years.

 

I never felt much chemistry from the start, he is unsure of himself when it comes to sex and it showed.

 

He spent the first year not really doing much to try and please me, despite my efforts to try and communicate and create some chemistry. He claimed inexperience and lack of confidence. I would suggest things, and he might do them once, but never again, leading me to believe he didn't enjoy them. At some point I gave up. Then, deciding to try and do something about it again,

...we went to therapy. There it came out that he never understood what I meant (though in my opinion I was pretty explicit, and he never asked when he didn't understand).

Things have not improved since then (this has been over about 9 months). He did mechanically try different things here and there after therapy, but it all seemed so forced and I couldn't get excited by it.

 

He is very caring in other aspects of our relationship. But I just can't seem to let go of the fact that he went over a year without caring enough to "figure out" (in quotes because I was telling him, I wasn't making him play a guessing game) how he could make it better for me. I'm so frustrated with our sex life and

...we haven't even tried in forever now.

 

I just can't figure out if this is something we could work out of.

It's been a struggle our entire relationship.

 

Sounds like he is not a "natural" and you do not want to put up with his lack of trying to improve any more.

I guess he was happy the way things were in that first year and now you want to "complicate matters", he is not fully on board.

YOU have talked, you have even gone to therapy about it and it still doesn't work.

Sometimes things are just not meant to be.

YOU gave it more than a fair shot...

[caveman621]

I'm sorry to say this, but it should be the end. Sex is not the ONLY thing in a relationship, but it is a large part. If you stay with him, marry him, try to build a life with him, you will never be satisfied. I spent 25 years in a marriage where all was well, except for the physical. I am now divorced and with a woman whose sex drive is more like mine, and it is SO MUCH BETTER!!!! You can stay with him and try to build a life, but it will never be as fulfilling as a relationship with someone more compatible with you........in ALL ways.

[Redhead14]

Since you've addressed the issue, and I assume you did it calmly and respectfully and not in a critical, demeaning way, and he hasn't made an effort to work with you even, then you just need to end the relationship. You were already unhappy in the first year and nothing changed, in fact, it's become worse. People don't change unless they really want to. And, even if they do want to change, it will be a process, not an event. So if you're bring this up often without observing effort for a bit, he's going to shut down anyway.

 

Nagging and rehashing the same issue over and over again serves no purpose. You address an issue, you observe whether there is improvement or least an effort is being made and if not, you end it.

 

Do both of you a favor and move on. Its a very difficult thing to know that you aren't making or can't your partner happy. I'm sure he's struggling too.

 

Are you aware of any past abuse or trauma in his life? These kinds of things are often buried deep in a person and it affects them in very negative ways that prevent them from being able to be what someone else needs. If he's not telling you or mentioning it, it doesn't mean it didn't happen. If there isn't that kind of history, something just isn't right with him where sex is concerned. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but it is a significant area of compatibility that needs to exist.

 

Does drink heavily or often? Does he do drugs? Those things can kill the libido and affect the body. If that is the case, you are deal with two issues and that's even more daunting.

Edited September 20, 2017 by Redhead14

[lilyblue]

I can't thank everyone enough for the kind and rational responses.

 

As for some of the most asked questions - who can really know, but I really believe he is not gay. He does not drink or do any drugs. He did seem to enjoy sex (when we were having it), and always tells me he finds me "cute". I just don't understand how he could ignore for so long that I wasn't getting much out of it. Not wanting to hurt him, I have been nothing but kind about the issue - calm and have never criticized anything he is doing, but rather suggested other things he could do. He has no history of abuse that I know of. I had theories for a long while that an ex must have been extremely harsh or something to him, but he denies this. He has been with 2-3 other people. And he's in his 40s. It feels so strange to be this close to someone, with one MAJOR area where I feel like he doesn't know me at all.

 

I do think in general, we enjoy different things in that area, but I don't (well, didn't) think they were insurmountable.

 

I love him and we're compatible in so many good ways. Sometimes it seems so shallow that this is something I spend so much time thinking about and could be the deal breaker. It seems so superficial. But it really is important to me too.

[Gaeta]

And he's in his 40s.

 

He doesn't sound interested in sex at all. He should have a trip to his family doctor and have his testosterone level checked as well as his prostate check up.

 

Some people are just asexual and could live a life time with no sex. They're not bad, just incompatible with you.

 

Time to set him free so you find a better partner and he also gets to find a woman has little interest in sex as well.

[smackie9]

Holy C^&%$ 2 years? Come on hun, it's not going to get better. You are depriving yourself. You are just good friends, not passionate lovers. You are missing out on so much.

 

Sorry but some guys have the nack for it, and some are just hopeless. After 2 years, and some therapy with no improvement......you have done every thing you could....it's not happening. You can anglicize this til the cows come home.....time to face reality.

[lilyblue]

He doesn't sound interested in sex at all. He should have a trip to his family doctor and have his testosterone level checked as well as his prostate check up.

 

Some people are just asexual and could live a life time with no sex. They're not bad, just incompatible with you.

 

Time to set him free so you find a better partner and he also gets to find a woman has little interest in sex as well.

 

One thing I forgot to answer - I don't think he's that uninterested, I just think he's so insecure about it that he doesn't try. Very low self-confidence in that area.

 

I do appreciate the "they're not bad, just incompatible" sentiment. I need to remember it.

[elaine567]

I guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

I thought he may be a naive young lad who hadn't quite figured out that sex was not all about him yet, BUT as he is in his forties, he will have no interest in changing his habits I guess, which is exactly what you have found.

[kendahke]

2 years is long enough to put up with someone who manipulates you in one area of your relationship as a way to overlook how he intentionally drops the ball in the other, then tries to play you for stupid in front of your therapist.

 

Are you willing to spend the rest of your life with no sex life? You might as well be by yourself if that's the case. He can be nice til times get better, but I"m sure you want someone who cares enough to educate himself, at the very least. He hasn't shown any interest in fulfilling this.

 

You know, cages are also secure and nice.

[Cookiesandough]

depends on how important sexual compatibility is to you. You guys are not sexually compatitble and that's unlikely to get better. Personally, I can't deal with starfish men, but I notice that shows in a lot of other aspects of their personality as well...They aren't as in touch with their sensual side. Not their fault, though

[lilyblue]

You know, cages are also secure and nice.

 

Ha, that made me laugh.

 

And this is the really hard thing. I really can't see him being manipulative. But - he has taken no initiative to educate himself, correct. And he is "old". sigh.

[kendahke]

Ha, that made me laugh.

 

And this is the really hard thing. I really can't see him being manipulative. But - he has taken no initiative to educate himself, correct. And he is "old". sigh.

 

How old is "old"?

 

How old are you?

[Els]

If this was your first time together or even your first month, I'd say eh, if everything else is good give it a bit of time and see if you can work out the kinks (pun not intended!). But 2 years?? Yeah, I think it has been proved long ago that both of you are sexually incompatible. I don't understand why you would stay, to be honest.

[Kellens]

OP, I was in a relationship for 7 years with incompatible sex.. I used to cry myself to sleep some nights because I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought I wasn't good enough, not sexy enough, it was the worst. I just wasn't what he wanted, he preferred porn, and I was ready to settle down for the rest of my life with him because of our "friendship" and love for each other. (And he cheated on me ) It isn't worth it! Please trust me on this.. My current boyfriend makes me feel so sexy and special and the sex is beyond amazing. I'm 37 and I never thought I would be capable of this. Feeling wanted is just as important as feeling loved, in my opinion.

 

If you seriously don't think this can improve at all then I suggest that you leave him. I know it will be really difficult but it's better now before even more time passes. Never settle, life is way too short for years of terrible sex.

[kendahke]

How old is "old"?

 

How old are you?

 

To add to this:

 

Have you ever seen the movie "The Age of Innocence?" Wynona Rider's character manipulates Daniel Day Lewis' character and others in their social circle through her syrupy sweetness and at the end of the movie, he finds out just how deep her treacherous niceness went and it shatters his mind. He couldn't pinpoint how she was being manipulative until he read the letter she left him after she dies.

 

He spent the first year not really doing much to try and please me, despite my efforts to try and communicate and create some chemistry. He claimed inexperience and lack of confidence. I would suggest things, and he might do them once, but never again, leading me to believe he didn't enjoy them. At some point I gave up. Then, deciding to try and do something about it again, we went to therapy. There it came out that he never understood what I meant (though in my opinion I was pretty explicit, and he never asked when he didn't understand). Things have not improved since then

 

This is what I mean by manipulating. He claimed it was inexperience, but then in front of the therapist, it became he didn't understand what you meant... but he tried it one time and stopped doing it, so he did know what you meant. He chose not to do it. But since he's nice in other areas of your relationship, he thinks that's enough to keep your interest. I mean if you want to live with him as if he's your brother...

 

The price for you being there is to strangle your libido.

[elaine567]

This is like the guy who when it is suggested he does his own washing he never quite gets it right, The woollens are in the boil wash, the red sock ends up amongst the whites and before you know it he is back to putting his laundry in the laundry basket and you doing it, as he never quite masters it.

He doesn't want to do his own washing, so he sabotages it in the hope you will get exasperated, do it yourself and give up asking him to do it.

 

Just like this guy does not want to do the sex stuff that you like, so he sabotages it, he never quite gets it right, in the hope he can get back to the wham bam thank you ma'am stuff that he wants...

[lilyblue]

OP, I was in a relationship for 7 years with incompatible sex.. I used to cry myself to sleep some nights because I thought there was something wrong with me, I thought I wasn't good enough, not sexy enough, it was the worst. I just wasn't what he wanted, he preferred porn, and I was ready to settle down for the rest of my life with him because of our "friendship" and love for each other. (And he cheated on me ) It isn't worth it! Please trust me on this.. My current boyfriend makes me feel so sexy and special and the sex is beyond amazing. I'm 37 and I never thought I would be capable of this. Feeling wanted is just as important as feeling loved, in my opinion.

 

If you seriously don't think this can improve at all then I suggest that you leave him. I know it will be really difficult but it's better now before even more time passes. Never settle, life is way too short for years of terrible sex.

 

Thank you for this. I'm 37 as well. There is some fear that I won't find another good man and I'm making a huge mistake letting go of someone who loves me and wants to get married.

 

And then I read "and the sex is beyond amazing" and can't help but feel totally jealous.

 

In my head, I can't see why we shouldn't be able to make it work. It's sex... it should be something that you can figure out and be able to make work. But it's just never been that way.