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He's still in love with his ex...


Cookiesandough

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Cookiesandough

I'd been seeing this guy for a week now. We haven't had sex yet but we've kissed. A couple days ago on our date, he told he wasn't doing too well because his ex called. He said he rejected her wanting to get back together. Orange flag.

 

Last night we were hanging out at his house after a date watching GoT. He had been drinking. I told him I was getting feelings for him. What followed after was more fascinating to me than hurtful, although it did hurt.

 

It was drawn out, but essentially he told me "Don't get feelings for me. I don't want anything serious. If I'm being completely honest with you, I still have feelings for my ex. You're the first girl I've been able to date without feeling awful, I think that's only because you're really hot, but if my ex called me right now, I'd block your number in a second. I'm sorry."

 

Well, that sucked, but I always treat bad things as research or educational experience so at least something good can come from it. I found out their relationship was 6 mo long, stopped talking 1 mo ago, and they'd "been through a lot together. I told him about NC, breadcrumbs, etc. I tried getting him to talk about her a little but I could tell it was really hurting him so we stopped. He showed me pics of her and she's a very pretty girl. He said "I don't know. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Talking about her makes me not want to be here with you."

 

 

I've always been a believer that if a guy doesn't feel it for you right away, he just doesn't feel it and he even said he knows right away. I am the same way.

 

He asked me, "so what are you looking for? Love? " I said "I don't know, I just have feelings for you" which is really truthful. I am seeing 2 other guys at the moment, but I do have feelings for this guy. He said "No, you don't know me, you just want me because I'm unavailable. That's an ego thing. The more you know me the less you'd like me. I'm so messed up." I said, "you didn't know right away with your ex? Just that feeling you get?" He looked painfully reflective for a minute and said "It took 3 days. Well, from the second I saw her smile. But she loved me too."

 

 

I told him, "Maybe it's just not a match with us?" Since youre the type who knows right away too." He said "That's not relevant, when I met her when my heart was free. It didn't belong to anyone else." I said, "Well, like I said, I'm starting to have feelings for you, and I understand you aren't wanting to be emotionally attached. Do you want to give it a try and see where things go or do you think that it probably won't go anywhere? You'd have to open up to me emotionally if we try." He said, "I mean we can try. And I'm going to try to date other girls. When I'm committed I'm a monogamous person, but I can't get feelings for anyone else right now."

 

I thought about it and right now I'm ok with it, we aren't sleeping together, we've on been on two (very long) dates, but who knows later on? Maybe I'll keep liking this guy more and more. It ended with me saying "So, do you want to try to take it slow and see where it goes? He said "You mean like a couple? I mean we can do that, but you don't care if I see other girls?" I told him [honestly], "No, just seeing where it goes. Just getting to know each other". I'm actually seeing other guys too, and to be honest, if he committed that night I might have lost interest in him - he's right. He said "Yeah we can try, but don't get feelings for me because I'm just..."

 

 

When I left it was really late and he was sobering up. I could tell he was not happy lol. He hasn't text me and I don't know if I'll be hearing back from him for another date :S. He did say "next week" when I asked him if he wanted to meet up again. He probably just wants to avoid problems that inevitably come with one side feelings?

 

But do I continue to date him? Ireally like him. We have a lot in common and it's hard for me to find people I mesh well with.

 

I almost want to for an experiment as terrible as that sounds. To support my belief that once a guy is emotionally attached to another girl, he will only move on when he's ready, and NOT with the girls he dated to distracted with initially. This will probably suck for me if he grows on me, even if I don't sleep with him.

 

Also, do you think all that he said was crap? I noticed some inconsistencies in what he said vs last night. He told me a few days ago his ex called and now he's telling me that his ex hasn't spoken to him in a month. It'd be the weirdest let down ever. But I have no clue because he was drunk.

 

Do you think it was just a nice way of him saying hes basically just kind of physically attracted to me only?

 

Thoughts/opinions? Thanks for reading!!!

Edited by Cookiesandough
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If he wasn't he would go on a date with you. He's emotionally unavailable, and you are setting yourself up as a rebound.....time to bounce.

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Cookiesandough
If he wasn't he would go on a date with you. He's emotionally unavailable, and you are setting yourself up as a rebound.....time to bounce.

 

We've been on two dates xD. Do you think I can come back in a few months? I wonder what happens when that happens...

 

When you meet someone and click with them but they're fresh out of a relationship and not emotionally moved on because it's only been like a month. If you keep your distance but keep in touch could you guys start dating if they move on or do you think they always move on to someone else because they only chose you for their rebound period ? It's just interesting. Would continue to date them stagnate the process of move on for them??

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He basically told you he's messed up, still in love with his ex, and emotionally unavailable for a relationship. If that sounds like a great package, keep seeing him. Holy cow.

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LivingWaterPlease

You may or may not hear from him again. The discussion may have been too much too soon for him.

 

Sounds to me as if he's just dating around right now and is unavailable to anyone except his ex gf. Personally with what transpired in this discussion I'd focus on other guys were I you and just be too busy to go out with him again. However, you may not have to make a decision about whether or not to see him again.

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How can you grow feelings for a man you went on 2 dates with?

 

I think you need to put better words on what you are experiencing.

 

* Desiring someone is not having feelings

 

* Finding someone attractive is not having feelings

 

* Enjoying someone's company is not having feelings

 

No I don't think you should continue seeing this man.

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Cookiesandough

uhhh he just text me if I'm having a good day... :/ I think I'm going to ghost him, ferreal. I have a date tonight and you're right this guy is too much stress for what its worth because he is like not into me or EU. Not worth even finding out how the cookie crumbles cuz I don't wanna mess him up further. I'm messed up myself

 

thanks, all

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Hey OP,

 

Ugh! Yeah if someone isn't going to be interested in you from the start, then they won't be later on, it usually works out that way especially if all they can do is compare you to their ex and think about them non stop.

 

I say this from going on a date with someone from Match a long time ago. He wasn't all there on our first date and all he could talk about was 'her'. Then after the date I tried calling him and he texted: Sorry can't talk I'm crying into her picture frame.

 

I just told him things wouldn't work and I never heard from him again.

 

I say don't ghost. Just be honest and tell him you're no longer interested.

 

Lisa

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LivingWaterPlease
Hey OP,

 

 

I say don't ghost. Just be honest and tell him you're no longer interested.

 

Lisa

 

agree, be honest and tell him rather than ghosting

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Cookiesandough

I actually had to prod him for info about his ex he otherwise didnt talk about her...that's all my fault. I actually dont think he would have told me so much if I didn't prod him for info while he was drunk. He kept saying "Could we not talk about this?" "I can't do this" but I was wrong to try to play therapist...

 

I guess I just like figuring things out so much sometimes I can be inconsiderate of others feelings. Now to turn around and say I'm not interested. I noticed he deleted his profile :/

 

I was worried about saying I was interested anymore because I said can we try to give it a shot and he said yes, but hes so messed up and once he let's me in I'll lose interest, and told me a little bit about his life how he was abandoned and his aunt and uncle took him in. :( I also told him I had feelings for him and he said he was willing to try and now I'm not interested? That's kind of weak. His ex dumped him and that would be being mean to him on top of that. I already deleted and blocked his number anyway :(

 

thanks :( Maybe you guys were right.

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LivingWaterPlease
I also told him I had feelings for him and he said he was willing to try and now I'm not interested? That's kind of weak. His ex dumped him and that would be being mean to him on top of that. I already deleted and blocked his number anyway :(

 

thanks :( Maybe you guys were right.

 

It's not weak or mean to discontinue dating a man who tells you he is messed up and not to get feelings for him. Go back and read your original post. He gave you so many red flags you could open a flag store, sell 'em, and make a mint!

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I'd been seeing this guy for a week now. We haven't had sex yet but we've kissed. A couple days ago on our date, he told he wasn't doing too well because his ex called. He said he rejected her wanting to get back together. Orange flag.

 

Last night we were hanging out at his house after a date watching GoT. He had been drinking. I told him I was getting feelings for him. What followed after was more fascinating to me than hurtful, although it did hurt.

 

It was drawn out, but essentially he told me "Don't get feelings for me. I don't want anything serious. If I'm being completely honest with you, I still have feelings for my ex. You're the first girl I've been able to date without feeling awful, I think that's only because you're really hot, but if my ex called me right now, I'd block your number in a second. I'm sorry."

 

Well, that sucked, but I always treat bad things as research or educational experience so at least something good can come from it. I found out their relationship was 6 mo long, stopped talking 1 mo ago, and they'd "been through a lot together. I told him about NC, breadcrumbs, etc. I tried getting him to talk about her a little but I could tell it was really hurting him so we stopped. He showed me pics of her and she's a very pretty girl. He said "I don't know. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Talking about her makes me not want to be here with you."

 

 

I've always been a believer that if a guy doesn't feel it for you right away, he just doesn't feel it and he even said he knows right away. I am the same way.

 

He asked me, "so what are you looking for? Love? " I said "I don't know, I just have feelings for you" which is really truthful. I am seeing 2 other guys at the moment, but I do have feelings for this guy. He said "No, you don't know me, you just want me because I'm unavailable. That's an ego thing. The more you know me the less you'd like me. I'm so messed up." I said, "you didn't know right away with your ex? Just that feeling you get?" He looked painfully reflective for a minute and said "It took 3 days. Well, from the second I saw her smile. But she loved me too."

 

 

I told him, "Maybe it's just not a match with us?" Since youre the type who knows right away too." He said "That's not relevant, when I met her when my heart was free. It didn't belong to anyone else." I said, "Well, like I said, I'm starting to have feelings for you, and I understand you aren't wanting to be emotionally attached. Do you want to give it a try and see where things go or do you think that it probably won't go anywhere? You'd have to open up to me emotionally if we try." He said, "I mean we can try. And I'm going to try to date other girls. When I'm committed I'm a monogamous person, but I can't get feelings for anyone else right now."

 

I thought about it and right now I'm ok with it, we aren't sleeping together, we've on been on two (very long) dates, but who knows later on? Maybe I'll keep liking this guy more and more. It ended with me saying "So, do you want to try to take it slow and see where it goes? He said "You mean like a couple? I mean we can do that, but you don't care if I see other girls?" I told him [honestly], "No, just seeing where it goes. Just getting to know each other". I'm actually seeing other guys too, and to be honest, if he committed that night I might have lost interest in him - he's right. He said "Yeah we can try, but don't get feelings for me because I'm just..."

 

 

When I left it was really late and he was sobering up. I could tell he was not happy lol. He hasn't text me and I don't know if I'll be hearing back from him for another date :S. He did say "next week" when I asked him if he wanted to meet up again. He probably just wants to avoid problems that inevitably come with one side feelings?

 

But do I continue to date him? Ireally like him. We have a lot in common and it's hard for me to find people I mesh well with.

 

I almost want to for an experiment as terrible as that sounds. To support my belief that once a guy is emotionally attached to another girl, he will only move on when he's ready, and NOT with the girls he dated to distracted with initially. This will probably suck for me if he grows on me, even if I don't sleep with him.

 

Also, do you think all that he said was crap? I noticed some inconsistencies in what he said vs last night. He told me a few days ago his ex called and now he's telling me that his ex hasn't spoken to him in a month. It'd be the weirdest let down ever. But I have no clue because he was drunk.

 

Do you think it was just a nice way of him saying hes basically just kind of physically attracted to me only?

 

Thoughts/opinions? Thanks for reading!!!

 

OMG, My poor dear woman, you have been duped by this guy.. Listen he was honest to tell you the truth he doesn't want anything serious. When they say that stand-up remove his hand around your shoulder or neck. I tell him to blank off and you done with his clowning around life. You need to leave and go back to your place. No contact with him at all. You see he's still in love with his ex and not you.

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Wowie!! I see my former self all over this post and I would have asked the exact same type of questions, wondering if hope for us exists! This is the exact same type of guy I got myself involved with time and time again.

 

 

But yeah, he's right, I think you just want him because he's emotionally unavailable. Not so much an ego thing so, but because you also might be emotionally unavailable and therefore can only 'open up' and confess feelings for someone where your subconscious mind knows it's a dead end (won't require any true long term investment).

 

 

The true moment of clarity/self-growth etc happens when you leave guys like this behind in the wind instantly knowing you deserve sooooo much more!

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Your post from someone else's thread:

 

I met this guy back in June. I asked him out and he told me he was busy with work and turned me down for a first date/meet. I immediately blocked/deleted lol. The only reason we got back in touch again was just because I was bored and swiped him again on Tinder months later. We got back in touch and 3 dates later we are BF/GF.

 

Oh Cookies.

His unavailable heart is like crack to you.

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"No, you don't know me, you just want me because I'm unavailable. That's an ego thing. The more you know me the less you'd like me. I'm so messed up."

 

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

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He isnt into you perhaps...? What if he is lying and using his ex as an excuse?

What if he meets a girl next month and ends up being with her and acting completelty different with her?

Maybe he just not into her? When the right girl comes around he wont be thinking about his ex. Imagine if jennifer lawrence was dating him now, do you think he would be complaining about his ex to her?!

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He isnt into you perhaps...? What if he is lying and using his ex as an excuse?

What if he meets a girl next month and ends up being with her and acting completelty different with her?

Maybe he just not into her? When the right girl comes around he wont be thinking about his ex. Imagine if jennifer lawrence was dating him now, do you think he would be complaining about his ex to her?!

 

This. He's not into you but doesn't know how to say it, so he basically started running through a list of excuses (I'm in love with my ex, I'm so messed up, I'm bad at dating) in hopes that you'd take the hint. I am sure if you hadn't gotten hooked on the ex thing he would have eventually told you he had a warrant out for his arrest, he has a fatal disease, he's moving to Canada...

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He's not into you but doesn't know how to say it, so he basically started running through a list of excuses (I'm in love with my ex, I'm so messed up, I'm bad at dating) in hopes that you'd take the hint....
I don't think so.

 

Having just lived through this, I can say that some guys could truthfully be hung up on an ex, and while in the fog of grieving the loss of an ex, we want to be comforted or distracted, but also can be honest about being consumed by feelings of the lost relationship and say we don't want, or aren't ready for, anything serious.

 

I don't see a reason from what Cookiesanddough has written to think the guy doesn't find her attractive, but isn't strong enough to directly tell her that. I think he is trying to cope with the loss of a special relationship, and doesn't want to be alone. And when asked, he's being pretty clear about where his heart is.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
We've been on two dates xD. Do you think I can come back in a few months? I wonder what happens when that happens...

 

When you meet someone and click with them but they're fresh out of a relationship and not emotionally moved on because it's only been like a month. If you keep your distance but keep in touch could you guys start dating if they move on or do you think they always move on to someone else because they only chose you for their rebound period ? It's just interesting. Would continue to date them stagnate the process of move on for them??

 

No, I don't think think that. I think it's simply that he's not ready for a relationship because he still loves his ex. I think it could work at some point in the future with you two.

 

Why did they break up?

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I don't think so.

 

Having just lived through this, I can say that some guys could truthfully be hung up on an ex, and while in the fog of grieving the loss of an ex, we want to be comforted or distracted, but also can be honest about being consumed by feelings of the lost relationship and say we don't want, or aren't ready for, anything serious.

 

I don't see a reason from what Cookiesanddough has written to think the guy doesn't find her attractive, but isn't strong enough to directly tell her that. I think he is trying to cope with the loss of a special relationship, and doesn't want to be alone. And when asked, he's being pretty clear about where his heart is.

 

I think he obviously finds her attractive, but doesn't feel romantically interested for any number of reasons. Based on her first post he seemed to supply at least three different excuses for why he didn't want to get attached. The comment about how he was definitely going to see other women struck me more as him affirming his relative ambivalence about her.

 

Everyone should grieve a relationship when they've been dumped, but when you meet someone who really captivates you, you're ready to start again. "I still miss my ex" means "I miss my ex" as well as "I don't feel strongly enough about you to pursue this".

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Nah, I think he was just drunk and saying things he wasn't going to share otherwise.

 

I've been in his situation and have rejected guys that I've been very attracted to because my mind was on my ex (worse case scenario: it wasn't even an ex but some kind of platonic mess that dragged for many years). Basically no relationship ends in an instant: there is a resolution period that can last days/months/years depending on how serious the involvement with the other person was... I think that's what this guy is going through.

 

People just generally don't blurb this things out but the guy was drunk...

 

In any case - he is not in a position to date her right now, so she needs to back off unfortunately.

 

P.S. Having said that - it could be an excuse (if he wasn't drunkenly blurting I'd believe it more): I admit I used this line when I wanted to get away from a guy once - it failed. He's still waiting 2 BFs later...

 

 

I think he obviously finds her attractive, but doesn't feel romantically interested for any number of reasons. Based on her first post he seemed to supply at least three different excuses for why he didn't want to get attached. The comment about how he was definitely going to see other women struck me more as him affirming his relative ambivalence about her.

 

Everyone should grieve a relationship when they've been dumped, but when you meet someone who really captivates you, you're ready to start again. "I still miss my ex" means "I miss my ex" as well as "I don't feel strongly enough about you to pursue this".

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Cookiesandough
Your post from someone else's thread:

 

 

 

Oh Cookies.

His unavailable heart is like crack to you.

 

 

 

Oh Olive my bf is not this guy...lol..I know how that sounds x.x. I met my bf before him and we were just casually dating...I told him I didn't want anything serious when we met. I wasn't expecting my bf to ask me to be exclusive...it was easy to let this guy go because my feels for my bf were all along way stronger and we had been on way more than 2 dates...lol

 

I don't think he was lying...I mean he could have been and he did lie about details (she called him), but the way he was like "do you want to see a picture of her?" and he said "I will get her back. I guarantee you that" and he went into a lot of detail. It's so sad because he's delusional...She left him for another guy. I could really empathize with him...I think that's why we connected so much. I remember when I missed my ex when I was fresh out of dating. No one, not my hottest celebrity crush, could take his place. I think the reason is putting them on a pedestal that no human being could live up to. I only remembered the good parts about him x9000 and then the ego thing...he was the only thing I wanted and couldn't have. That sht can mess you up. Maybe he was lying though....

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Cookiesandough
Nah, I think he was just drunk and saying things he wasn't going to share otherwise.

 

I've been in his situation and have rejected guys that I've been very attracted to because my mind was on my ex (worse case scenario: it wasn't even an ex but some kind of platonic mess that dragged for many years). Basically no relationship ends in an instant: there is a resolution period that can last days/months/years depending on how serious the involvement with the other person was... I think that's what this guy is going through.

 

People just generally don't blurb this things out but the guy was drunk...

 

In any case - he is not in a position to date her right now, so she needs to back off unfortunately.

 

P.S. Having said that - it could be an excuse (if he wasn't drunkenly blurting I'd believe it more): I admit I used this line when I wanted to get away from a guy once - it failed. He's still waiting 2 BFs later...

lol @ using it as an excuse. Yeah, I've done it too...I mean maybe??? I know no one could replace my ex unless he was the clone...BUT I am a woman. So idk. The guy was drunk and near tears pouring his heart out to me about it.I kept pushing trying to play therapist for my own selfish reasons, which maybe helped? Maybe he needed to purge. He said he's just a mess emotionally because she left him and they'd been through a lot together. Actually, before I said anything she kept popping up. Our first date we were talking about rebounds and he said "Yeah, the guy probably had sex with her then thought about his ex and felt guilty" I guess that was more a red flag....He probably just best playing the field for a while until he realizes she's not coming back.

 

 

But I wanna add that I don't think we would have really been a match, regardless. I don't think he would have liked me personally. When he meets the right girl and the timing is right he can...Or perhaps if he just meets the right girl.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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He's too messed up to meet a 'right' girl right now. After my ex, who was not my dream partner, far from it, I didn't even dream of going on a date for 9 full months. That was about 1/2 of the length of the relationship and in my mind that's about the bare minimum to 'purge' any remaining old feelings.

 

At least in my experience the 'right' person is the person that appears in a time that I'm receptive. If I'm not - he can be the prince of the universe, I'd be completely blind to him.

 

Cut your losses with this dude. I think next step is that he'd try to have sex with you. He appears unstable and I don't think you should invest emotionally into him (I hope you're not too invested already...)

 

 

lol @ using it as an excuse. Yeah, I've done it too...I mean maybe??? I know no one could replace my ex unless he was the clone...BUT I am a woman. So idk. The guy was drunk and near tears pouring his heart out to me about it.I kept pushing trying to play therapist for my own selfish reasons, which maybe helped? Maybe he needed to purge. He said he's just a mess emotionally because she left him and they'd been through a lot together. Actually, before I said anything she kept popping up. Our first date we were talking about rebounds and he said "Yeah, the guy probably had sex with her then thought about his ex and felt guilty" I guess that was more a red flag....He probably just best playing the field for a while until he realizes she's not coming back.

 

 

But I wanna add that I don't think we would have really been a match, regardless. I don't think he would have liked me personally. When he meets the right girl and the timing is right he can...Or perhaps if he just meets the right girl.

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