He is still active on Tinder

[M_M]

I have been on five dates with this guy whom I met on Tinder. On the fourth date, he said he wasn't dating anyone else and he said he would like to continue date/see me, as well as for us not to date anyone else. Yet, I saw today that he remains active on Tinder (since I know he is abroad and his location has changed). Should I be worried? Should I talk to him about it? I recognise it is still very early but he was the one who said he would like us not to date anyone else...

[kendahke]

You're still on Tinder, too.

 

If this bothers you, you need to take it up with him.

[M_M]

You're still on Tinder, too.

 

If this bothers you, you need to take it up with him.

 

I admit that I only check it to see if he's been active. How can I take this up with him without sounding so creepy/stalkerish?

[knabe]

You could just, in conversation, say "Hey sweetie, since we decided to focus on each other, what do you think about turning off our Tinder accounts?"

[M_M]

You could just, in conversation, say "Hey sweetie, since we decided to focus on each other, what do you think about turning off our Tinder accounts?"

 

Thanks, I think I will do that.

 

I just find it confusing why he would suggest that we don't date anyone else but carries on being active on Tinder.

[Redguitar35]

You could just, in conversation, say "Hey sweetie, since we decided to focus on each other, what do you think about turning off our Tinder accounts?"

 

Having been in this position once, I agree that talking about it with him is the best thing.

[M_M]

Having been in this position once, I agree that talking about it with him is the best thing.

 

Would you mind sharing what his response to it was?

[grays]

I don't understand how you know he's "active." On my tinder app, there's no way to tell if someone's been swiping.

 

And there's no way I'd throw away my tinder or okc accounts after five dates even if I've agreed to be exclusive. I dont know how long it would take me to feel that comfortable about someone but def not five dates in.

[Redguitar35]

Would you mind sharing what his response to it was?

 

I'm a guy and it was a her actually ?.

 

 

Anyway, we were dating a while and I noticed she was still logging into her profile constantly. I assumed it was because she was still dating other guys, so I was preparing for the day she would break things off with me and just decided to go with the flow. Instead I get a text from her saying wants an exclusive relationship and why am I still online? Turns out she was logging in to see if I was still online looking. So we cleared that up and both decided it was best to delete our profiles.

[M_M]

I don't understand how you know he's "active." On my tinder app, there's no way to tell if someone's been swiping.

 

And there's no way I'd throw away my tinder or okc accounts after five dates even if I've agreed to be exclusive. I dont know how long it would take me to feel that comfortable about someone but def not five dates in.

 

Because I know he is abroad and his location has changed. Do you think it is unreasonable to expect him to turn off his Tinder account when he was the one who suggested and agreed that we shouldn't date anyone else?

[M_M]

I'm a guy and it was a her actually ?.

 

 

Anyway, we were dating a while and I noticed she was still logging into her profile constantly. I assumed it was because she was still dating other guys, so I was preparing for the day she would break things off with me and just decided to go with the flow. Instead I get a text from her saying wants an exclusive relationship and why am I still online? Turns out she was logging in to see if I was still online looking. So we cleared that up and both decided it was best to delete our profiles.

 

Oops sorry about that! So prior to this, exclusivity was not discussed?

[grays]

Because I know he is abroad and his location has changed. Do you think it is unreasonable to expect him to turn off his Tinder account when he was the one who suggested and agreed that we shouldn't date anyone else?

 

That doesnt mean he's opened the app. Location changes automatically as you move. All you know from that is that he still has the app on his phone and he hasnt disabled his profile. Sometimes I dont open my tinder app for weeks at a time. Its prob just sitting there on his phone.

 

The only reason I see it as unreasonable is that you're only 5 dates in. If I had had five dates with someone I'd still be keeping my support system intact for when the other shoe drops. And I have a few people that I message thru tinder. If I had agreed to be exclusive I wouldnt be swiping, just keeping it there in case.

[M_M]

That doesnt mean he's opened the app. Location changes automatically as you move. All you know from that is that he still has the app on his phone and he hasnt disabled his profile. Sometimes I dont open my tinder app for weeks at a time. Its prob just sitting there on his phone.

 

The only reason I see it as unreasonable is that you're only 5 dates in. If I had had five dates with someone I'd still be keeping my support system intact for when the other shoe drops. And I have a few people that I message thru tinder. If I had agreed to be exclusive I wouldnt be swiping, just keeping it there in case.

 

I think the location does only change if you actually open the app (and does not update automatically). Aside from this, I take your point that it's still very early days. I just find it disappointing because he was the one who suggested it in the first place so I am not sure if he even meant it or is as genuinely interested as he appears to be.

[guest569]

I think the location does only change if you actually open the app (and does not update automatically). Aside from this, I take your point that it's still very early days. I just find it disappointing because he was the one who suggested it in the first place so I am not sure if he even meant it or is as genuinely interested as he appears to be.

 

I don't think it is unreasonable for you both to delete or disable it. 5 dates in and you're exclusive and officially a couple, so I think it makes sense to remove tinder. I would probably just delete it and tell him and see what he says and stop fretting over it.

 

As others said, he might not be using the app, or may be using it to see if you are active on it, or maybe is keeping other options.

[kendahke]

I admit that I only check it to see if he's been active.

 

Signing on and checking on him also looks like you are active on there checking out other guys. Just like you, all he has is your word that you're not doing that.

 

If he's looking at it to check if you're still active, he could also come to the same conclusion that you're still active on there and looking.

 

How can I take this up with him without sounding so creepy/stalkerish?

 

Before you take up a reprimand talk with him, are you sure that he's on there looking or is the app not signed off on his cell phone? Figure that out first because unless you go into the app and log off, it can appear that they are still active when they are not. That's with most dating apps--they run in the background unless you go in and log off.

 

To be honest, it does sound stalkerish and could convey that you don't trust him or you think he's a liar.

 

If right is on your side, you take it up by taking it up---how he perceives it isn't up to you.

 

Either you stand in your truth, guard your boundaries, own your voice and speak up for yourself or you drive yourself crazy with speculation and "what ifs". Your choice.

[knabe]

Is it really THAT huge a task to inactive or disable tinder? I have never had it. I mean, most things you can just go inactive or disable with a simple click. This idea that deleting is this HUGE deal that we don't want to do until 6 months in when we're 100% sure seems a bit silly to me. I mean, if in two weeks a big red flag ends things, just click it back to active.

 

I'm so glad I'm old. I'd never make it as a young person with all this manufactured angst 24/7.

[kendahke]

I think the location does only change if you actually open the app (and does not update automatically). Aside from this, I take your point that it's still very early days. I just find it disappointing because he was the one who suggested it in the first place so I am not sure if he even meant it or is as genuinely interested as he appears to be.

 

When you change location on your phone, it automatically updates every app that uses location services. If he has never logged off the app, it's going to update it when he takes the phone out of airplane mode--but it doesn't mean that he's got the app open and is using it.

 

Like I said, you need to get clear on that before you go reprimand him. He may not appreciate you accusing him of something he's not doing.

 

And you also need to log off your app, all things being fair here.

 

When you have talks about not dating others, etc., you also need to throw in that it's time to disable the profiles. You didn't do that and now are afraid to bring it up because you're afraid of how he will now perceive you. If he perceives you as a crazed stalker, then you need to cut him loose. Guys are that slim on the ground where you are that you're this afraid to own your voice and speak up?

[Cookiesandough]

ummm if you guys are not seeing anyone else why do you need Tinder profiles? You should talk to him and ask if he's cool with taking down Tinder profile since you both aren't seeing anyone else. If he gets dodgy or it's anything but sure, then you have your answer. He's still looking. So you should be too. A guy I've been seeing for a couple weeks asked if I wanted to be exclusive last night and we both just removed our profiles after the convo.

[coolheadal]

I think the location does only change if you actually open the app (and does not update automatically). Aside from this, I take your point that it's still very early days. I just find it disappointing because he was the one who suggested it in the first place so I am not sure if he even meant it or is as genuinely interested as he appears to be.

 

You know something you have to figure on the fact he can lie to you about just being with you only. You already know this as well. Your still on Tinder why should he drop that app because he said he wants to be with you only. BS and you know it. He's a player that Tinder is just for banging chicks on the man side and for women to bang guys for short casual dating or booty calls. Not a serious romantic relationship get together type of dating. If you think the other way then your in the wrong app in the first place.

 

Well different location (hiding) still on tinder (making dates) and your ease dropping on him because your don't trust this jerk bs line wants to be only with you seriously yeah do you want to buy swamp land.

 

Wake up my dear you are getting dupe and you don't realize this guy is playing games with you. Serious guys would remove the app. If they're serious about you only. That's the point of this and you already have your answer "HE IS NOT SERIOUS ABOUT BEING WITH YOU ONLY!"

 

He wants to bang more chicks keep his tool wet and ready!... I have to be blunt otherwise you don't understand what's going on you'll sit there and accept things. Don't waste your time with him go find a real man not loser jerk like him!

[grays]

ummm if you guys are not seeing anyone else why do you need Tinder profiles? You should talk to him and ask if he's cool with taking down Tinder profile since you both aren't seeing anyone else. If he gets dodgy or it's anything but sure, then you have your answer. He's still looking. So you should be too. A guy I've been seeing for a couple weeks asked if I wanted to be exclusive last night and we both just removed our profiles after the convo.

 

I think its great to remove your profiles the day after the talk, but I dont think that not removing it after 5 dates means he's still looking. Ive had six dates so far with a new guy and we haven't had the talk yet but Im kinda crazy over him. I still have tinder on my phone but Im not using it. If he asked me to get rid of it today I probably would, but Id rather not. No plans to use it, but I still need a safety net.

[camillalev]

That doesnt mean he's opened the app. Location changes automatically as you move. All you know from that is that he still has the app on his phone and he hasnt disabled his profile. Sometimes I dont open my tinder app for weeks at a time. Its prob just sitting there on his phone.

 

The only reason I see it as unreasonable is that you're only 5 dates in. If I had had five dates with someone I'd still be keeping my support system intact for when the other shoe drops. And I have a few people that I message thru tinder. If I had agreed to be exclusive I wouldnt be swiping, just keeping it there in case.

 

Actually it does mean he's opened the app. The app updates your location when you open it, not automatically. I know this experience, and you can do a quick google search to confirm. So yes, he's checking Tinder while away.

[Cookiesandough]

I think its great to remove your profiles the day after the talk, but I dont think that not removing it after 5 dates means he's still looking. Ive had six dates so far with a new guy and we haven't had the talk yet but Im kinda crazy over him. I still have tinder on my phone but Im not using it. If he asked me to get rid of it today I probably would, but Id rather not. No plans to use it, but I still need a safety net.

I think it's a bit different!!! I mean if you have not agreed to be a couple, I can understand still keeping the app up for safety, but if they have had the discussion and he is still signing into the app (because his location updated) I think the only excuse for him to be doing that is to check to see if SHES still on the app? Which could be solved with a simple convo Communication is so nice.

[grays]

I think it's a bit different!!! I mean if you have not agreed to be a couple, I can understand still keeping the app up for safety, but if they have had the discussion and he is still signing into the app (because his location updated) I think the only excuse for him to be doing that is to check to see if SHES still on the app? Which could be solved with a simple convo Communication is so nice.

 

I hear you and I agree that its a little different if theyve had the talk. But I could never trust someone that much after 5 dates that I'd start dismantling my tools and props that get me through single life. After 5 dates I could imagine being so smitten with someone that Id want to be exclusive and agree to it, but i would be feeling pretty scared that I didnt know them well enough and that my judgement would be clouded by the excitement and newness.

[coolheadal]

I hear you and I agree that its a little different if theyve had the talk. But I could never trust someone that much after 5 dates that I'd start dismantling my tools and props that get me through single life. After 5 dates I could imagine being so smitten with someone that Id want to be exclusive and agree to it, but i would be feeling pretty scared that I didnt know them well enough and that my judgement would be clouded by the excitement and newness.

 

Never assume anything unless you have hard facts to backup your statements.

[grays]

Never assume anything unless you have hard facts to backup your statements.

 

Im not sure what you mean???

 

And btw, I thought I had acted a little stalkerish bc I had a guy I was seeing who lived two hours away and I used to check his location every now and then on tinder. But now that I read all this I realize I was actually pretty chill about it all. I definitely wasnt reading some great meaning into whatever info I thought I was garnering from tinder. I think if youre obsessing about it in any way, if its having a negative impact on your mood or your relationship, you should just get rid of the app yourself.