Am I being too shallow?

[Joexfm]

I've recently been dating someone for the last 4 months and now there are a few red flags that I wonder if I'm nitpicking at or should be worried about. I am 29, in my final year of grad school, and have a steady career in Human Resources. She is 27, has no degree, just left a job without finding something new so she is jobless for now. She has been applying to jobs left and right so she at least is being proactive with trying to get a job. And out of nowhere, she moved into a new apartment being subletted by her father with a full lease paid off by him, now giving us a 2 hour distance (that I do not mind). I do like the girl and I enjoy her company but I cannot help but think about these characteristics. She has expressed some goals that she wants to achieve and just says that "she's trying and trying" but that is hard for me to believe. I just wonder if this is too shallow or picky of me to feel this way about someone I like and care about. Help????!!!

[CoolJoe]

IMO you're not being shallow. Those could be legit traits or qualities (or lack thereof) that she may possess. Only you can truly assess that. IMO, I would want my SO to have some sort of career or purpose. But if you really like her and don't mind that there's a chance she may be a stay at home wife for you down the road, by all means.

[Joexfm]

IMO you're not being shallow. Those could be legit traits or qualities (or lack thereof) that she may possess. Only you can truly assess that. IMO, I would want my SO to have some sort of career or purpose. But if you really like her and don't mind that there's a chance she may be a stay at home wife for you down the road, by all means.

 

Hahahahaha thanks

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Not being shallow. She appears to lack the follow through on "promises" she makes.

[Joexfm]

Not being shallow. She appears to lack the follow through on "promises" she makes.

 

I am supportive of what she promises to do but yeah the follow through is very lackluster. I hope that she'll have some drive at some point."

[d0nnivain]

She is 27, makes irresponsible decisions (leaving 1 job without having another lined up) and is being supported by her daddy.

 

 

As much as you like her, unless you are fully prepared to be the sole breadwinner while she spends irresponsibly this may not be the relationship for you.

[smackie9]

This will change your perspective: She quit her job because her dad had offered the apartment, that's why. Her father didn't want to give up the apartment for whatever reason, and wanted a family member to be in there so he asked her. Since it's 2 hours away, he paid the lease while she looks for a job that is closer to where she lives.

 

It's a sweet deal and if I was 27 I would jump at the chance too.

 

She's an opportunist. Just think how much money she is going to save, and put it towards an investment like a down payment for a car or a future house.

[d0nnivain]

She's an opportunist. Just think how much money she is going to save, and put it towards an investment like a down payment for a car or a future house.

 

 

that assumes she is going to get another job.

 

 

I thought she quit job 1st then daddy bailed her out. The timing is important too.

[mikeylo]

You know she doesn't have a degree and that is basic requirement for a basic job. She may not be highly ambitious and the dad knows that, so he helped her out. It's also possible that he is providing her for groceries, clothes etc.

 

Your pick!

[grays]

I dont see any reason to assume that she'll spend money irresponsibly.

 

And the explanation about her leaving the job for the apartment -- that seems totally reasonable to me. And sounds like she's doing what she should to get a new job. How would you expect her to behave differently?

[d0nnivain]

I dont see any reason to assume that she'll spend money irresponsibly.

 

And the explanation about her leaving the job for the apartment -- that seems totally reasonable to me. And sounds like she's doing what she should to get a new job. How would you expect her to behave differently?

 

 

If daddy offered her the free apartment 1st that is one thing.

 

 

Here, I understood that she quit her job then daddy bailed her out. Vastly different & more irresponsible.

[Joexfm]

This will change your perspective: She quit her job because her dad had offered the apartment, that's why. Her father didn't want to give up the apartment for whatever reason, and wanted a family member to be in there so he asked her. Since it's 2 hours away, he paid the lease while she looks for a job that is closer to where she lives.

 

It's a sweet deal and if I was 27 I would jump at the chance too.

 

She's an opportunist. Just think how much money she is going to save, and put it towards an investment like a down payment for a car or a future house.

 

That she is an opportunist. Here's the full thing. Her dad offered her the apartment cause he's moving into his fiancees house. 6 months was left of the lease so he paid that off in full. She moved quickly and quit her job cause he rushed her to do it so now she's stuck. She's got a few interviews lined up so that's good. For now she keeps borrowing money from people (me included) to get by. I guess what I worry about is that she does not have a career aspiration or is not working toward them. Usually it's not my type to go for women like her but I am attracted to her and enjoy her company. I guess we will just see how it goes.

[d0nnivain]

If she quit after dad offered her the apartment that is better.

[SevenCity]

Lending money to an SO is a bad idea unless you are in an established relationship.

 

Let me guess, you also pay for everything when you go out?

[Gaeta]

I would not quit my job and move 2 hours away just cause I would get 6 months free rent. Where is the common sense in that? Now she has no rent but can't feed herself.

 

What kind of job is she able to do?

 

She lacks ambition, organization and good old common sense. She needs to get herself back in school even if it's just trade school and learn something that can pay above minimal wages. I would not want my son to pursue a woman of 27 with teen-girl mentality like this one.

[Joexfm]

Lending money to an SO is a bad idea unless you are in an established relationship.

 

Let me guess, you also pay for everything when you go out?

 

Out of most of our dates, she's paid for 2. I've picked up the tab on all. But that's because I want to haha

[Joexfm]

I would not quit my job and move 2 hours away just cause I would get 6 months free rent. Where is the common sense in that? Now she has no rent but can't feed herself.

 

What kind of job is she able to do?

 

She lacks ambition, organization and good old common sense. She needs to get herself back in school even if it's just trade school and learn something that can pay above minimal wages. I would not want my son to pursue a woman of 27 with teen-girl mentality like this one.

 

Most of her jobs were in retail/hotel service but her actual aspiration is to go into personal training. She took classes in the past but never took the exam to get certified.

 

And my mother isn't thrilled either

[Gaeta]

Most of her jobs were in retail/hotel service but her actual aspiration is to go into personal training. She took classes in the past but never took the exam to get certified.

 

And my mother isn't thrilled either

 

What you see is the tip of the iceberg. She doesn't have a good judgement. She's probably the type of girl that'll use rent money to purchase Italian Shoes and then borrow rent money. I am extrapolating here but you get the idea. Also you've just been dating 4 months and she's already asking you for money. That's a huge red-flag. Yes bf and gf should help each other out but not at 4 months dating, what kind of person does that you have to ask yourself?

[Pumpkin008]

For now she keeps borrowing money from people (me included) to get by.

 

No. No. NO!

 

 

OP, you sound like a nice guy but I don't think this is going to work out well for you in the end- unless you dump this girl now. How much money are we talking here? She sounds like a user that is getting a free ride. Quitting her job without a new one, taking the free apartment, etc.

 

 

How did she expect to get by without income? We reap what we sow and her choices should have consequences. Her bad decisions should not impact your wallet. (Unless you allow it!)

[Joexfm]

No. No. NO!

 

 

OP, you sound like a nice guy but I don't think this is going to work out well for you in the end- unless you dump this girl now. How much money are we talking here? She sounds like a user that is getting a free ride. Quitting her job without a new one, taking the free apartment, etc.

 

 

How did she expect to get by without income? We reap what we sow and her choices should have consequences. Her bad decisions should not impact your wallet. (Unless you allow it!)

 

Not a lot that I have lent her. Just a few dollars here and there. The bulk comes from our meals from breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

[RecentChange]

At 27, I would expect her to start getting her crap together. She didn't go to college so that means she has had 10 years to figure out a game plan.

 

Personal training?! Yeah that's kinda like getting a realtors license, many have one, many can't make a career out of it, some do, and a small handful are very successful - it takes a very motivated individual to make that work, doesn't sound like she is one.

 

I agree, red flags, she might be fun to date, but I don't know about being a life partner.

[Pumpkin008]

Not a lot that I have lent her. Just a few dollars here and there. The bulk comes from our meals from breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

 

Oh, ok. My knee-jerk reaction was that you were handing over a lot of cash. But a few dollars here and there can add up quickly! Or it could only be a matter of time before she asks for a sizeable loan "just to get by".

 

 

To answer your original question: I don't think you are being shallow. I think you are trying to be careful by weighing all the options. There are several to consider here.

[Joexfm]

Oh, ok. My knee-jerk reaction was that you were handing over a lot of cash. But a few dollars here and there can add up quickly! Or it could only be a matter of time before she asks for a sizeable loan "just to get by".

 

 

To answer your original question: I don't think you are being shallow. I think you are trying to be careful by weighing all the options. There are several to consider here.

 

It definitely can add up. I'm almost afraid to do the math. But hey at least it's not me being shallow or picky. There's just too many flags and I cannot help but be cautious. I don't want to be too cautious that it ends up in resentment.

[emsx0x]

Why all the judgement on someone who doesn't have a 4 year expensive degree?

Edited September 12, 2017 by emsx0x

[MidwestUSA]

Why all the judgement on someone who doesn't have a 4 year expensive degree?

 

It's not about a degree.

 

It's about her lack of goals, planning, and ambition. She's been a hostess/waitress? who wants to get into personal training (dime a dozen) but can't be bothered to complete the certification.

 

There's nothing wrong with skilled trades. She'd be better off going that route.