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Potential trouble, long term? In need of insight as I'm unable to understand my GF


agawam25

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Dear all,

 

First of all, I've used this forum before for some great advice and I've tried to give some in return, but I won't use my old username due to privacy concerns (I do investigative work so I know how easy it is to find info on people online). I'll also try to be as brief without getting into too much detail for the same reasons, but feel free to ask me clarify things if they don't sound right and I'll fill in the blanks as much as I'm able to.

 

I wanted to share with you a problem of mine that I'm having trouble coping with. It's concerning a woman I've been dating for about four months now. We're the same age, both in our thirties. We're on our fourth of fight major fight where she's demanding space and time for herself. I generally don't think I'm the clingy kind of person. I'm relatively successful in my career and I'm quite social, so both my professional and personal life keep me quite busy. We do tend to spend a decent amount of time with each other, but I've never insisted on spending time together when she was busy. In our daily communication, whenever she'd say work suddenly got very busy I'd take a step back, say okay, go do work, keep in touch, etc. I don't smother as I know that smothering is trouble, especially early on. Both of us are independently-minded people, so I think that's not the root cause of our problem.

 

Personally, I have realised in the past year or so that I've had a tendency to be in what I would label as toxic relationships. I do know that I have an unhealthy tendency to be in a relationship where I need to prove myself to the other person all the time (mommy issues, folks). I've been working on remedying that after a LTR of almost a decade fell apart last year, and I think I've made significant progress. With this woman, I felt like I've found someone different. She's outgoing, energetic, very direct and very honest and doesn't have a tendency to be manipulative like my previous GFs. She's extremely intelligent and very good at reading people. She's also definitely more practical-minded than me. I have a tendency to be more forgiving, while she's less patient with people IMO.

 

I must admit that I'm head over heels and it seems that she is too. I find her incredibly attractive and on most days, amazingly kind and loving. I tend to have a tough exterior, but in relationships I give my all and my best and I believe it always comes through, so I'd say that it's reciprocated. I'm also very direct and clear, and very competent in explaining my feelings and my thoughts, both of which I find to be important. She sometimes has trouble expressing those, which I think is one of the main issues we have. Every time we've had a serious argument I was left baffled as they always begin with either something so banal or benign, or something that I did that would've been easily avoided by her just saying "no, I don't want that."

 

Intro to today's argument: I think that on most if not all days we enjoy each other's company in bed. We have developed a kind of relationship where we enjoy sleeping with each other (not talking about sex, although the sex is great). So even when superbusy, we tend to find time to sleep together. It helps that we live in the same neighbourhood, so we can walk over to the other person's flat, etc. Sometimes I make dinner, she makes dinner, we talk about our day, watch TV. All in all, it's a very relaxed and intimate relationship although we don't live together (and I don't think I'd want to for at least another six months). Out of the past 30 days I'd say we've slept together on about 25 (the rest she wasn't in town). Basically it's a consensus that that's what we do. And I believe it gives both of us great pleasure.

 

To get into more details: she's had a tough week at work and I felt that something was off a couple of days ago. She was irritable and was turning that negative energy towards me. So I asked her kindly if she didn't feel like me being at her place and if I'm doing something to set her off. She said no. We had a brief fight later that night but it subsided and we laughed it off by joking with one another, etc. So we went to bed happy.

 

Today seemed like a regular day: we exchanged messages throughout the day, at some point made plans to have me come over. Then she suddenly lost it over the fact that she found a photo I had with a coworker. Out of the blue, honest to God, full blown verbal assault. What bothered her, she claims, is that I said that I never take selfies, so it upset her that she found one. At first I was confused and I thought she was joking, or was fake jealous or something to that effect. Apparently not - she told me that it shook her belief in me to the point of not trusting me at all because of my use of words like "always" and "never." After a five-minute exchange she told me she needed time to take a nap and that she doesn't want me to come over from work. I said okay, let me know what's up later and that was that. I think this is key. I'm really not sure what to make of what she's saying though. She accused me of playing stupid, but I really don't understand why you'd lose it over something so banal.

 

She also unfriended me on FB. She has two profiles, and she deleted me from her private one. I chose not to react to that and I'm still not reacting. I don't know what to make of that.

 

She sent me a message me a couple of hours later saying she's off to do some work. I basically asked her if we had a problem as I'd like to resolve it or better understand what went wrong so I can clarify things. She basically said that she had prioritised me lately and that she wants to prioritise other things now, and that it was caused by my selfie thing because it made her realise that I'm not "in the right place" or something to that effect. She then said she'd be busy all weekend and that I should make other plans and asked if that's okay but I said it wasn't as she had left me confused and that I'm not an on and off switch - it's hurtful to ask me to disappear just like that. (Note: we just came back from a vacation this past weekend - had a great time, spent the whole time together, talking, having fun, walking around etc. so her reaction felt hurtful.) We spoke on the phone for about 10 minutes, I explained that I find selfies to be banal, a friend asked, I took a selfie for the sake of said friend and that's that. She compared it to a different situation where she couldn't convince me to do something to a friend of hers (which I found weird - not in a bad way, nothing kinky, just weird - and explained that it's past my limits). I told her that two can't compare as they can't.

 

Anyway, she's off to do her work, I'm at home thinking about what the **** just happened and what is it that I did that caused that severe of a reaction. Like I said, if she had just said at any point, hey, I'm swamped, let's touch base tomorrow and see where we're at, I'd be okay with it all. But this? This just left me in a fog.

 

Thanks for reading this. Any input would be more than welcome!

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doesn't have a tendency to be manipulative like my previous GFs.

 

You sure about that?

 

It sounds to me like she made other plans for the weekend and staged this fight so she'd have a "reason" to blow you off and declare herself off-limits this weekend.

 

Something doesn't add up. Either she's got some underlying mental issues, or she's hiding something (or someone) from you and needed to give herself a reason to push you away so she can attend to that. Or some combination of both.

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What adult acts like that over an old stupid photo? She's been digging and trying to find the dirt on you.....she has hidden her true colours....Dude....she's frickin nuts! Insecure bat s^%$ cray cray.

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I wanted to share with you a problem of mine that I'm having trouble coping with. It's concerning a woman I've been dating for about four months now. We're the same age, both in our thirties. We're on our fourth of fight major fight where she's demanding space and time for herself.

 

Four major fights in four months? That's not normal. That's not how it's supposed to be.

 

Why go through this hell, and more to the point, why try to stick around in this hell? When someone tells you they need "space," put them out of your life. Why? Because it's a passive-aggressive bullsh** tactic. What they really mean is that they don't want to be with you any more, but they can't bring themselves to say it, so they're hoping you'll take the hint, and hopefully, that you'll break things off for them.

 

So do them that favor and kick them out of your life.

 

All this time and effort you're putting into fixing what can't be fixed would be better invested in finding someone new.

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She compared it to a different situation where she couldn't convince me to do something to a friend of hers (which I found weird - not in a bad way, nothing kinky, just weird - and explained that it's past my limits). I told her that two can't compare as they can't.

 

What was the thing she wanted you to do?

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You sure about that?

 

It sounds to me like she made other plans for the weekend and staged this fight so she'd have a "reason" to blow you off and declare herself off-limits this weekend.

 

Something doesn't add up. Either she's got some underlying mental issues, or she's hiding something (or someone) from you and needed to give herself a reason to push you away so she can attend to that. Or some combination of both.

 

She definitely didn't/doesn't have other plans. We talk about work a lot and I've seen the amount of work she has for the weekend... She's definitely swamped, so she was honest about that.

 

She called me over later last night. We saw each other this morning. She was her normal self. Didn't talk about yesterday or last night and I didn't push as I'm in observing mode - just trying to figure it all out instead of insisting on resolving the underlying issue which is still unknown to me. She didn't mention deleting me from FB, and I didn't ask. I'm still ignoring it. I don't know how to handle that; I'm too old for those kinds of games.

 

But you're very much on point with your thoughts about something not adding up. I'm baffled. Like I said, I do investigative work - basically it's my job to find holes in people's stories and figure out what's up. Something or someone, my thoughts exactly. But there doesn't seem to be anyone. And I'm having trouble figuring out what that something might be.

 

Speaking of mental issues... Anyone with any experience with similar behaviour? What could cause this?

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What was the thing she wanted you to do?

 

I'd rather not say as it's quite specific. It involved me touching this other person, all in great fun. It really didn't stand out as weird, we were laughing about it and joking around. But there's a huge difference between, "Hey, let's take a picture" and "Hey, touch this other person," at least to me.

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Four major fights in the first 4 months of a relationship during what should be the honeymoon period when everybody is on their best behavior is dysfunctional.

 

It's lovely for you that you are getting lots of sex but it's causing you to make excuses. A 30 year old adult doesn't play push games saying she needs space. You may be infatuated but I think you are letting your libido make your decisions. You are excusing a lot of bad behavior because you enjoy getting laid.

 

You understand her just fine. You simply don't want to.

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Four major fights in the first 4 months of a relationship during what should be the honeymoon period when everybody is on their best behavior is dysfunctional.

 

It's lovely for you that you are getting lots of sex but it's causing you to make excuses. A 30 year old adult doesn't play push games saying she needs space. You may be infatuated but I think you are letting your libido make your decisions. You are excusing a lot of bad behavior because you enjoy getting laid.

 

You understand her just fine. You simply don't want to.

 

It's worth considering what you're saying, but I'd like to fill in a few blanks. I'm fully aware of the fact that sometimes sex can skew someone's vision or have them stay in a toxic situation because hey, they're getting laid like crazy. On the other hand, I can think of a few situations in which I had an incredible amount of sex with a person, but I still walked away when I realised that the relationship wasn't working out for me or that the person wasn't right. So in all honesty, it's not the sex that's keeping me in it. I do believe that my feelings for her are genuine and don't have all that much to do with sex. My POV only, and I agree that it's subjective but that's my estimate at the moment.

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You understand her just fine. You simply don't want to.

 

Would you mind expanding on this?

 

I am serious when I say that I don't get this. I have already admitted that my emotional IQ is sometimes stunted when dealing with women. So I'd appreciate your help.

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Fine even with a great sex life you can separate the physical & the emotional.

 

You like her. I still don't see her liking you all that much. In your words, she "verbally assaulted" you after finding a selfie of you with a co-worker. That sounds abusive not loving.

 

Be careful. She sounds practically bi-polar.

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Fine even with a great sex life you can separate the physical & the emotional.

 

You like her. I still don't see her liking you all that much. In your words, she "verbally assaulted" you after finding a selfie of you with a co-worker. That sounds abusive not loving.

 

Be careful. She sounds practically bi-polar.

 

My mother is bipolar - if it's more than four episodes per year, then it's BPD... But it's a spectrum disorder and very hard to detect. I don't know. Maybe my tendencies to trust my partners and get blindsided by their issues is getting the better of me.

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What really gets to me is that she honestly doesn't seem to be able to understand that her behaviour is off. She never really apologised for any of the fights that she had initiated. All she does in those situations is clings to me physically and is very gentle and quiet.

 

A normal "I'm sorry" would do. Or any kind of explanation as to what went wrong in her head. "I have trouble trusting people" for instance. But I don't think she realises this about herself.

 

Like I said, something is way off...

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Speaking of mental issues... Anyone with any experience with similar behaviour? What could cause this?

 

I agree that four major fights in a four month old relationship doesn't bode well. But it also depends on what they were about and how they were resolved, so not passing judgement on that part.

 

Yea, I've had experience (and some training) in emotional/mental health issues in relationships. People with such issues often have feelings they can't name or understand where they originate... and limited ability for introspection and objectivity with respect to their feelings. They often experience a generalized sense of anxiety, depressive moods, and emptiness that they project onto their intimate partner. There is an unwritten contract of sorts that the intimate partner is responsible for their feelings, therefore if they aren't feeling well it has to be your fault. There is no separation between how they're feeling and how they're feeling about you.

 

What stands out here is that there is no rational explanation for either the feelings or how she's reacting. The thing about the selfie is bullish*t. She just needs something to attach it to so what she's feeling can be all your fault. You see it as irrational, as you've said here, but for her it's all feelings and she doesn't actually understand any of it.

 

Could it be that she's experiencing the fear of vulnerability? You said that you just came back from vacation and spend a week together. It could be that this step in advancing the relationship is making her fearful... of giving you the power to hurt her. Pushing away is the natural reaction to this kind of fear. Many people have both the fear of intimacy/vulnerability and fear of abandonment at the same time. These people need to keep you in a middle space–– not too close, not too far away. It feels like a rubber band to their partner.

 

Since you've left out a lot of the details I can only speculate as to cause, but the few things that seems certain are, irrationality, projection, overreaction, push-pull, and then allowing it to abate without any explanation or resolution.

 

For sure I think you need to figure out where this stuff is coming from. If it's cluster b stuff I'm surprised you didn't experience a honeymoon phase characterized by pure idealization rather than having four major fights in as many months. Perhaps you should google the terms "cluster b" and "splitting" (one search) and see if anything else sounds like it fits.

 

It's definitely time for you to get objective and have your eyes wide open. I know what it sounds like to me, but also realize it could be confirmation bias. More data is needed. You can't leave out the details and expect people to give specific info in return. But here's one key thing to look for... if the cause of these arguments always seems to be irrational, if you find her being upset about stuff that no one else would consider to be an issue, there is more going on than meets the eye.

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What really gets to me is that she honestly doesn't seem to be able to understand that her behaviour is off. She never really apologised for any of the fights that she had initiated. All she does in those situations is clings to me physically and is very gentle and quiet.

 

A normal "I'm sorry" would do. Or any kind of explanation as to what went wrong in her head. "I have trouble trusting people" for instance. But I don't think she realises this about herself.

 

Like I said, something is way off...

 

You posted this while I was writing the previous post. It fits what I was saying. Not owning it or apologizing is consistent. Yup. Sounding like what I was thinking.

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What stands out here is that there is no rational explanation for either the feelings or how she's reacting. The thing about the selfie is bullish*t. She just needs something to attach it to so what she's feeling can be all your fault. You see it as irrational, as you've said here, but for her it's all feelings and she doesn't actually understand any of it.

 

This is what bothers me the most, like I said. I could fill you in on other situations, but they all came out of either similarly banal or matters that would be deemed as normal by others (concerning an innocuous FB post, my relationship history, and once even my sex drive). I've spoken to close friends and asked them to objectively analyse the situation and their responses were that essentially she was overreacting. I tried to avoid confirmation bias by insisting on them thinking outside of our friendship - if they heard person A getting upset at person B over those matters. They agreed that she lacks trust at best.

 

Could it be that she's experiencing the fear of vulnerability? You said that you just came back from vacation and spend a week together. It could be that this step in advancing the relationship is making her fearful... of giving you the power to hurt her. Pushing away is the natural reaction to this kind of fear. Many people have both the fear of intimacy/vulnerability and fear of abandonment at the same time. These people need to keep you in a middle space–– not too close, not too far away. It feels like a rubber band to their partner.

 

I think you've nailed it here. But how do you deal with this? Should one deal with this in their partner?

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Speaking of mental issues... Anyone with any experience with similar behaviour? What could cause this?

 

One of 2 things : bipolar or BPD

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What really gets to me is that she honestly doesn't seem to be able to understand that her behaviour is off. She never really apologised for any of the fights that she had initiated. All she does in those situations is clings to me physically and is very gentle and quiet.

A normal "I'm sorry" would do. Or any kind of explanation as to what went wrong in her head. "I have trouble trusting people" for instance. But I don't think she realises this about herself.

 

I guess she never apologies because she doesn't not feel she is in the wrong and she feels her "complaints" were valid. This clingy and going quiet behaviour I guess is more about appeasement than the issue being resolved in her mind.

If the issues are not resolved to her satisfaction then she will be keeping score and I guess that is what has happened here.

Whilst you are in a halcyon relationship, I guess she isn't feeling it in quite the same way.

 

The selfie thing may be an excuse to get some space ie break up, or she may have been triggered due to a past experience or she is expressing real jealousy, especially if this "friend" is particularly hot and she has a reason to believe something is going on there.

 

BUT

Four major fights in as many months is not a relationship most want to be in and we can all join in, in the "she is nuts" bash fest, but if she now wants out, I guess few could really blame her.

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I think it's clear that you are trying to understand and even justify her behavior.

 

The fact is, a healthy, mature 30 year old woman doesn't play these kind of manipulative games. The fact that she "unfriended" you on Facebook after a silly fight that she initiated is something that should occur in middle school... Not in a healthy, mature relationship.

 

This woman is playing games with you and she lacks the communication skills/conflict reaolution skills that are required for a stable, healthy, long term relationship.

 

To answer your question directly - "should one have to deal with this kind of behavior in a relationship?" The answer is No, I don't believe that you should.

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I agree that four major fights in a four month old relationship doesn't bode well. But it also depends on what they were about and how they were resolved, so not passing judgement on that part.

 

Yea, I've had experience (and some training) in emotional/mental health issues in relationships. People with such issues often have feelings they can't name or understand where they originate... and limited ability for introspection and objectivity with respect to their feelings. They often experience a generalized sense of anxiety, depressive moods, and emptiness that they project onto their intimate partner. There is an unwritten contract of sorts that the intimate partner is responsible for their feelings, therefore if they aren't feeling well it has to be your fault. There is no separation between how they're feeling and how they're feeling about you.

 

What stands out here is that there is no rational explanation for either the feelings or how she's reacting. The thing about the selfie is bullish*t. She just needs something to attach it to so what she's feeling can be all your fault. You see it as irrational, as you've said here, but for her it's all feelings and she doesn't actually understand any of it.

 

Could it be that she's experiencing the fear of vulnerability? You said that you just came back from vacation and spend a week together. It could be that this step in advancing the relationship is making her fearful... of giving you the power to hurt her. Pushing away is the natural reaction to this kind of fear. Many people have both the fear of intimacy/vulnerability and fear of abandonment at the same time. These people need to keep you in a middle space–– not too close, not too far away. It feels like a rubber band to their partner.

 

Since you've left out a lot of the details I can only speculate as to cause, but the few things that seems certain are, irrationality, projection, overreaction, push-pull, and then allowing it to abate without any explanation or resolution.

 

For sure I think you need to figure out where this stuff is coming from. If it's cluster b stuff I'm surprised you didn't experience a honeymoon phase characterized by pure idealization rather than having four major fights in as many months. Perhaps you should google the terms "cluster b" and "splitting" (one search) and see if anything else sounds like it fits.

 

It's definitely time for you to get objective and have your eyes wide open. I know what it sounds like to me, but also realize it could be confirmation bias. More data is needed. You can't leave out the details and expect people to give specific info in return. But here's one key thing to look for... if the cause of these arguments always seems to be irrational, if you find her being upset about stuff that no one else would consider to be an issue, there is more going on than meets the eye.

 

Very interesting. Do you think the OP should stay with the woman? could the arguments get worse as time goes on and she feels more secure?

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Yes, I have experience with similar behavior in a LTR. She would come uncorked over minute issues and become extremely hostile and rude. And, she picked many fights involving FB pics. I rarely allow a photo of myself to be posted on FB for a variety of reasons and was continually accused of "making sure no trace of our relationship existed". Her words, verbatim.

 

I'm never one to suggest canning a relationship after reading a few paragraphs from someone. But, with that being said, I would be cautious if I were you. There's no reason for her to be acting that way and I would make approach her about all of it in a tactful manner. The behavior I described out of my significant other was a sign of a much deeper instability and, although I realized it, I held on for a long time time. Life was unpleasant with her and the split was even worse.

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Alarms are ringing off. I once dated a girl with BPD and this reeks of that. The unfriending, the silly explosion over something so small and the inability to communicate like an adult. And op you say she isn't manipulative??? Dude she's tricked you into the palm of her hand. I wouldn't stand for this. She is not a stable partner. My advice? Cut your losses and end it. Unless you like this back and forth.

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...she is expressing real jealousy, especially if this "friend" is particularly hot and she has a reason to believe something is going on there.

 

My friend from work is attractive, yes. But there's absolutely no reason to be jealous and I've never given her any reason either. We're good friends and that's that. I've mentioned her a few times, always in terms of work we do together, maybe filled in a few details or made comments about her (married with children, abrasive personality although a sweetheart deep down). But we don't talk much outside of work, we text about work related stuff occasionally (I'd say once every two weeks or so) and generally we don't spend time together apart from when we're in the same shift. She gave me more reasons to be jealous about her friends (she tends to be friends with men rather than women). She actually made a friend while away for a week with work at the very beginning and was very odd about their relationship, or rather really bad at communicating who this person was and how he came to be considered a friend so quickly but I asked her then to clarify and she was very clear about the fact that there's nothing going on between them and I gave it a rest. And we're talking about a guy who'd send her messages at 2 am. So generally I tend to be trusting and loyal, and when I feel that something's not being communicated, I ask.

 

She doesn't even want a break, I don't think, let alone to break up. She's been over, we had lunch, took a nap, etc. then she went back to do work. Her brother's in town and at her place right now. She's literally back to behaving "normally." As for the FB thing, I sent her a friend request, she accepted it, we didn't exchange a word about it and that's that. If she does it again, I'll call her out on her bull**** as I won't play along. For now, I'll let the sleeping dogs lie re: FB and the whole selfie episode. But I'm with you all on one thing: not the way you'd expect a thirty-something behave. Some of this definitely reeks of serious insecurities and an emotional immaturity you'd expect at that age. Which baffles me, really, because she is quite independent and mature otherwise.

 

What also confuses me is that she is universally liked by people. We have lots of mutual friends, and everyone is so excited that we're together. I feel like if I were to complain, that people would have trouble believing me that we're talking about the same person. What do you make of that?

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SHORT RESPONSE: Agawam, I agree with Smackie, Sal, and CoolJoe that you're describing warning signs for BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I not suggesting that your GF necessarily has full-blown BPD (only a professional can determine that). Rather, I'm suggesting she may be a "BPDer," i.e., a person whose behavior is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum.

 

LONGER RESPONSE: Agawam, the two most common causes of mood changes are hormone change and drug abuse. Given that your GF is neither pregnant nor a drug abuser, it seems unlikely they are a source of her instability. I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and BP (Bipolar Disorder).

 

Speaking of mental issues... What could cause this?
The behaviors you describe do not sound like red flags for bipolar. Instead, what you are describing -- i.e., the emotional instability, verbal abuse, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, always being "The Victim," and rapid flips between adoring you and devaluing you -- are classic warning signs for BPD. Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one having "unstable" as a defining symptom. Indeed, most of the 9 BPD symptoms describe behavior that is unstable or arises from an inability to control emotions.

 

My mother is bipolar - if it's more than four episodes per year, then it's BPD.
No, most bipolar sufferers experience only one or two cycling episodes a year. When four or more episodes occur in a year, it is called "rapid cycling bipolar." In any event, the behavior you describe for your GF sounds far closer to BPD than bipolar. If you're interested, I describe a dozen differences I've seen between these two disorders at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. It is based on my experiences with a BPDer (my exW) and a bipolar-1 sufferer (my foster son).

 

What really gets to me is that she honestly doesn't seem to be able to understand that her behaviour is off.
This is one sign that you are NOT dealing with a clinical disorder such as bipolar. Those mental disorders generally are "egodystonic." This means that the disorder produces thoughts and feelings that are inconsistent with the individual's self-perception. The result is that the person usually realizes that these thoughts are unreasonable and is often distressed by these thoughts and feelings.

 

In contrast, BPD and most other personality disorders are "egosyntonic." This means that the person's behaviors, values, and feelings are in harmony with or acceptable to the needs and goals of the ego, or consistent with her ideal self-image. This is why PDs generally are invisible to the vast majority of folks suffering from them (i.e., to the high functioning PD sufferers). Hence, if your GF is a BPDer, she likely believes the outrageous allegations coming out of her mouth. Her perception of your intentions and motivations is likely distorted by the intense feelings she is experiencing.

 

She lacks trust at best.
If she is a BPDer, that is to be expected. A BPDer is so emotionally unstable -- and has such a weak sense of identity -- that she is incapable of trust herself. Until a person learns how to trust herself, she cannot trust others who draw close to her. This means that all efforts to convince her of your love and loyalty are futile.

 

This also means that, in early childhood, she never developed a strong sense of "object constancy." That is, she never learned that most people have a personality that is essentially unchanged from day to day. Moreover, a BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that, even when she is convinced that you love her AT THIS VERY MOMENT, she lives in fear that you will abandon her as soon as you realize how empty she is on the inside.

 

My friend from work is attractive, yes. But there's absolutely no reason to be jealous.
If your GF is a BPDer, he has a fear of abandonment that is so intense it will distort her perceptions of your intentions and motivations. This fear will manifest itself in such behavior as irrational jealousy.

 

She's demanding space and time for herself.
The repeated cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back behavior that you describe is a hallmark of BPDer relationships. This cycle occurs due to the position of the BPDer's two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at the opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you are always in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

 

Hence, as you move close to a BPDer to comfort her and assure her of your love, you will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear. And, sadly, there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering the two fears. I know because I foolishly spent 15 years searching for that Goldilocks position, which simply does not exist.

 

We're on our fourth of fight major fight...
As Robratory and Donnivain state, four major fights in four months is dysfunctional. Due to the push-away/pull-back cycle described above, BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll.

 

As Sal observes, what is so unusual about your relationship is not the large number of breakups. That is to be expected if your GF exhibits strong BPD traits. Rather, what is unusual is that the four breakups all occurred in the first month of the relationship. In a BPDer R/S, you should expect to get 3 or 4 months of pure heaven because the BPDer's infatuation holds both of her fears at bay. Then, when the infatuation starts to wane, the fear of abandonment and fear of engulfment return and you will start triggering them.

 

Every time we've had a serious argument I was left baffled as they always begin with either something so banal or benign.
If your GF is a BPDer, she carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that will TRIGGER a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a hissy fit in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds -- over "banal or benign" actions or comments. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

 

She suddenly lost it over the fact that she found a photo I had with a coworker. Out of the blue, honest to God, full blown verbal assault.
If she is a BPDer, you will start feeling like you're oftentimes walking on eggshells around her -- to avoid triggering her anger. This enabling behavior is harmful to both of you. That's why the best-selling BPD book is titled, Stop Walking on Eggshells.

 

I said... that I'm not an on and off switch - it's hurtful to ask me to disappear just like that.
That's true for you but not for her. If she is a BPDer, her feelings can go from one polar extreme to the other in just a few seconds. It will be so quick that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her mind. BPDers can flip -- in less than a minute -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing you). And they can flip back again just as quickly.

 

These rapid flips arise from "black-white thinking." Like a young child, a BPDer is too emotionally immature to be able to handle strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate). A BPDer therefore has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. Her subconscious solves this problem by "splitting off" the strong conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind. This way, she only has to deal with one intense feeling at a time.

 

She therefore will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. Because a BPDer's close friends eventually will be "split black," it is unusual for a BPDer to have really close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away). This B-W thinking also will be evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

 

She told me that it shook her belief in me to the point of not trusting me at all because of my use of words like "always" and "never."
As noted above, a BPDer typically makes frequent use of those all-or-nothing terms herself. Hence, if your GF is a BPDer, she likely was projecting her own behavior onto you. A BPDer is filled with so much self loathing that her subconscious works 24/7 protecting her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality. It accomplishes this by projecting her painful thoughts and feelings onto you. Because this projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, a BPDer truly believes that those feelings/thoughts are originating from you.

 

She's outgoing, energetic, very direct and very honest and doesn't have a tendency to be manipulative like my previous GFs. She's extremely intelligent and very good at reading people.
The vast majority of BPDers -- even those exhibiting full-blown BPD -- are "high functioning." This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people is able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman.

 

And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them. But, remember, BPDers generally are not bad people. Like young children, their problem is not being bad but, rather, being unstable.

 

I feel like if I were to complain, that people would have trouble believing me that we're talking about the same person. What do you make of that?
As noted above, the vast majority of BPDers are usually triggered only by loved ones who pose a threat of abandonment and engulfment. Those loved ones usually are the only ones who see the BPDer's dark side.

 

I do believe that my feelings for her are genuine and don't have all that much to do with sex.
High functioning BPDers generally are very easy to fall in love with. It is common for them to exhibit a warmth, emotional intensity, and purity of expression that otherwise is seen only in young children. This means that, like young children, they are very easy to fall in love with and very hard to walk away from. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

What also confuses me is that she is universally liked by people.
Likewise, my BPDer exW was outgoing and very friendly with people. She is such a warm and sensitive person that she puts people immediately at ease, making even total strangers feel like they've known her for a long time.

 

I'm baffled... Any input would be more than welcome!
Agawam, if you ever feel inclined to enter a LTR with this woman, I would suggest you see a psychologist, for a visit or two, to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you are dealing with. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," verbal abuse, cold withdrawal, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- e.g., avoid taking her back and avoid running into the arms of another woman who is just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. And Sal provides a concise and insightful account of what it's like to live with a BPDer for 23 years in his 3/16 post. If those descriptions ring many bells, I would be glad to join Smackie, Sal, CoolJoe, and the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Native American.

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...all came out of either similarly banal or matters that would be deemed as normal by others (concerning an innocuous FB post, my relationship history, and once even my sex drive). I've spoken to close friends and asked them to objectively analyse the situation and their responses were that essentially she was overreacting. [...] They agreed that she lacks trust at best.

 

Yea, it's not as simple as lacking trust. That's the tip of the iceberg, the most obvious symptom.

 

 

I think you've nailed it here. But how do you deal with this? Should one deal with this in their partner?

 

No. There will be no real intimacy, only the push-pull and lots of drama. The only way you can "deal with it" is to set and enforce firm boundaries, and refuse to engage when they do the splitting routine. This is not to say that setting the boundaries would in any way transform this into a healthy relationship.

 

If you were married and had kids then you'd have difficult decisions, but knowing what you know now at four months of dating, you can simply make the choice that any healthy man would––to date healthy women. This assumes you have enough self-esteem to believe you're worthy and deserve such a relationship. You can't fix it, you have to save yourself.

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