Girlfriend and chronic HEALTH issue crossroad

[viviva]

I have been dating a girl for the past 6 months. We have known each other since childhood. The 6 months have been a fairy tale, she was the perfect one for me and I couldn’t and still cannot imagine anyone better then her. We hit it off perfectly right from the start and she was my dream girl over the 6 months. So, after around 6 months she reveals to me that she is a lifelong inactive carrier of hepatitis b virus, which she contracted from her mother at birth but only found out she has it four years ago. An inactive carrier does not need any medication but only monitoring every year for the rest of their life to make sure the virus is not becoming active.

 

The problem starts here…she waited 6 months to tell me about this. Over the 6 months I fell head over heels for her and was 100% committed to the point I could see the rest of my life with her. SHE called me her soul mate, wanted us to meet each others parents, planned a weekend trip for the 2 of us and we met very very regularly. If we weren’t meeting we were texting each other a lot…ALL this before she revealed her hep b to me. She ALSO lost her virginity to me and we had sex loads of times. After my research I have found out that a inactive carrier of hepatitis b could also potentially be infectious (however very lowly, even close to 0 chance of transmission but not zero) ;and hence partners should be vaccinated and precautions should be taken but she never bothered to ask if I’m immunised and even had unprotected sex once all this BEFORE informing me about her hep b carrier state.

 

Now I am starting to wonder if all this was a plan to trap me so that I am blinded by love and don’t ditch when she reveals her hep b. I’m worried that how amazing she was could all be an act? Im worried about why she had sex before informing me!

 

Firstly, she claimed she didn’t tell me earlier as it is a small issue, then she said she cant go around telling everyone as we live in a small town, then she said she told me after 6 months as now she felt we were ‘that connected’ (she lost her virginity to me in 3 months of the relationship to put this into perspective). When she went abroad for her yearly hep b tests, 2 months into our relationship she informed me that she was going for her parents regular check ups so she hid/lied then. About the sex, she kept claiming that she KNOWS she is NOT infectious but from all my research all precautions should be taken and partners should be informed even if you are an inactive carrier.

Initially she begged me not to leave her then later she blamed me

for making a small thing big and took 0 blame…but 4 weeks later she started apologising and saying she understood where I came from and that maybe we aren’t meant to be as I had told her i cant do this. Her mother and 2 sisters (one of who is currently active) all have hep b and have a professional doctor abroad too so im sure she knows all about the condition and I don’t know if she really thought it was not infectious at all or what she was thinking.

At this point I am going crazy as I loved her endlessly and had given myself to her and I felt that she returned all that love back and gave herself to me and we had a amazing understanding. I cannot even clearly see what has happened and whether it is right or wrong. I’m also afraid if she played a game and gave me sex etc so that I’m fully into her and would never think of leaving her. I don’t know if she was genuine. Also, even if we did not have sex, she still should have told me before calling me her soul mate etc???

What do you people think about this situation and PLEASE tell me what you would do!!

[Zahara]

Firstly, she claimed she didn’t tell me earlier as it is a small issue,

 

That wasn't her decision to make. She should have given you the opportunity and the right to decide the magnitude of the issue and how it will affect you and your health and the future of your relationship. This sounds like very entitled, selfish and dismissive behavior to me.

 

then she said she cant go around telling everyone as we live in a small town,

 

It doesn't give her the right to place your health at risk. If that's her issue, then she should not be dating. She doesn't get to dictate the terms when there are two people involved in the relationship.

 

Initially she begged me not to leave her then later she blamed me for making a small thing big and took 0 blame…

 

Huge red flag.

 

You should seek to educate yourself by seeing a doctor and discussing what has happened to you and the possible repercussions, if there are any. And move on from this woman.

[Redhead14]

First, I would get tested and get fully educated by a doctor. You cannot unring this bell, so face it and deal with it as soon as possible.

 

If the results are positive, take some time to accept the diagnosis and treatment plan.

 

Then you focus on the relationship -- if you both have it and you do love each other and had been planning the future together, things don't have to change. If you do not want a monogamous relationship with her, you're going to have to deal with this situation with future partners too.

 

Take this one thing at a time, one step at a time. Your health comes first. Focus on that right now.

[smackie9]

Stop worrying about it and be happy with what you two have.

[Sara1989]

The bigger deal is not that she has hepatitis B but that she did not tell you and went on to have unprotected sex with you, that is a HORRIBLE thing to do and I read of people actually taking their sexual partner to court over not being told about a contagious disease.

 

You have a right to feel betrayed and conflicted over what has happened, you were lied to and disrespected. I hope you been tested?

 

Personally I would not give her another chance but that is your choice.

[grays]

I think she should have told you but I very much doubt that she had horrible motives. She was probably scared you wouldnt want to be with her anymore. I think if you feel like shes generally a nice and good person you should do what you can to see where she was coming from. Imagine what it was like for her and try to have some compassion.

[Purrrfect]

She probably is reluctant to tell you early on because maybe shes been dumped because of it? Get tested. Find out if shes on meds to suppress it or reduce transmission if you love her I wouldn't break up over it.

[Caramelpopcorn]

I'm so so sorry to tell you this, but you haven't learned enough about what Hep B is if that's what you think it is, you clearly didn't understand it yet. I think you should go to a doctor and get more information, sorry but Dr. Google won't help you here.

 

People can live FOREVER without it getting active. My uncle has had it for decades, no problem whatsoever, healthy as a horse. You don't sexually transmit it like you think, that's very unlikely, especially if it's not even active.

 

I hope you're just panicking and freaking out that it's blinding you from your actions and how selfish you're coming off now. She wasn't trying to trap you, what does that even mean!? Dating for 6 months is trapping you?

 

I think she deserves better. She's obviously not the woman of your dreams and you are not Prince Charming.

[SammySammy]

It seems that she's new to love and sex also. I don't think she was playing games. While it's true she should have told you, I just think she fumbled this badly. Made a mistake. You have to determine whether it's forgivable or not.

 

Personally, I think it's a small thing and can be overcome.

 

You have to determine what it means to you and the relationship going forward.

[sdraw108]

The way she handled this was wrong.

 

I totally get that it is an incredibly hard thing to reveal to a potential date. I say this with personal experience, as I have dated two people with similar (albeit not quite the same) things. Both of them told me before anything serious started (but after we'd gotten to know each other). It was a hard thing to do: to tell someone that you really like something that might cause them to walk away. But it had to be done, because anything else is immoral.

 

You have to decide whether or not you can forgive her. But more importantly, you have to seriously consider whether or not someone who has demonstrated dishonesty once, can be trusted with other things. This isn't just about the health issue, it's about trust.

[viviva]

I'm so so sorry to tell you this, but you haven't learned enough about what Hep B is if that's what you think it is, you clearly didn't understand it yet. I think you should go to a doctor and get more information, sorry but Dr. Google won't help you here.

 

People can live FOREVER without it getting active. My uncle has had it for decades, no problem whatsoever, healthy as a horse. You don't sexually transmit it like you think, that's very unlikely, especially if it's not even active.

 

I hope you're just panicking and freaking out that it's blinding you from your actions and how selfish you're coming off now. She wasn't trying to trap you, what does that even mean!? Dating for 6 months is trapping you?

 

I think she deserves better. She's obviously not the woman of your dreams and you are not Prince Charming.

 

Yes i was informed that she could transmit it even though she is inactive but the chances are low.You cant transmit it? Its a 100 times more infectious then HIV and it is a very very serious virus. Yes one may or may not get active but that depends on a lot of other factors too. And are you saying that just because the chances of transmission are low the risk should be taken? why on earth should i not get the chance to protect myself (with vaccination) wether infectious or not? HER own sister is active right now and she takes an injection every week and has to do so for over an year! are you downplaying the seriousness of this virus? some countries dont allow people with this to come in! AND lastly, its a lifelong issue, not something that will go away in a couple of years so definitely i should be informed AT LEAST before sex. We are 23 btw.. not so young so it cant be a 'mistake'. And we didnt just have sex once..we had it loads of times before she told me!

You sound just like her actually in saying that im making a small thing big. What IF i was infected. Also, when she did reveal it i asked her what hep b is and she told me something along the lines 'its an extra cell in my body, everybody has extra cells'. She very well knows its a virus and what it is so she has just been downplaying this whole thing.

I mean what about morality, trust, honesty, being genuine. this is more like planned, manipulation etc..SURE i didnt expect her to tell me on the first date, or even the first month but at least within 2 months and finally AT LEAST before having sex so many times. We didnt just have sex once where she avoided mentioning it. we had it many times over 3 months..sometimes daily.

Edited September 7, 2017 by viviva

[viviva]

anyone else? opinions?

[amaysngrace]

She should have told you about it because while she may have been inactive at last testing things can change and the virus can become active at any given time.

 

I'd break up with her because she showed a complete lack of respect towards you, your health and your life. She put you at risk. You don't do that to people you care about.

[Gaeta]

You need to break up with her and she needs to learn her lesson the hard way.

 

What she did is unacceptable.

 

She is an adult now and should not be protected for playing with people's life and health.

 

She knew exactly what she had and the risk.

 

There is no difference between carrying an hepatit and carrying an STD, it needs to be told at the very beginning. I carry hsv-2 and make a point of honor to tell on a 3rd date and my virus is a skin desease, not a visus that can develop in a chronic liver desease like an Hepatit.

 

If she was carrying hsv people would be stoning her right now even if the consequences of hsv are much-much-much less important than the consequence of an hepatit.

 

I don't care she is almost not contagious. It's a ridiculous and irresponsible responce for not telling.

Edited September 7, 2017 by Gaeta

[Redhead14]

There are millions of people who don't even know they have hepatitis. My point is you could have been exposed with other partners and never knew about it. That is true for herpes.

 

There is always a risk when you have unprotected sex. You share some of the responsibility here because you were having unprotected sex.

 

Yes, she should have told you, but if you're not opening those kinds of conversations and having unprotected sex, you are responsible to a degree for your plight. And, even if you have those conversations . . . people lie.

 

Get yourself tested and educated. If you're negative, use protection. If you're positive, you have to use protection anyway from now on.

 

If you're positive, how will you handle it with new partners? Tell them on the first date, two months, three months? Have a plan for yourself. I can't count how many posts here include tales of drunk sex and throwing caution to the wind in the heat of a moment.

 

It's a good idea to talk about sexual health at some point prior to being intimate. It will seem like "business", but being tested or sharing test history needs to be part of the dating process. Otherwise, you're just as "culpable" as the person who doesn't tell you.

 

Have you ever been tested for anything? Do you know what you're carrying? You may take a test now and find you have herpes or some other problem that lies dormant in the system for a long time perhaps.

 

This experience just highlights something really important to address with partners.

[elaine567]

How did she get Hep B in the first place?

 

People at highest risk of hepatitis B include:

 

• people born or brought up in a country where the infection is common
  
• babies born to mothers infected with hepatitis B
  
• people who have ever injected drugs
  
• anyone who has had unprotected sex, including anal or oral sex – particularly people who've had multiple sexual partners, people who've had sex with someone in or from a high-risk area, men who have sex with men, and commercial sex workers
  
• close contacts, such as family members, of someone with long-term (chronic) hepatitis B infection
  

Of course it may be sexually transmitted. In fact, sexual contact is the most common way hepatitis B is spread in the United States.

And 20-30% of those with inactive hep B may end up active too.

How hepatitis B is spread

 

Hepatitis B can be spread by:

 

• a mother to their newborn baby, particularly in countries where the infection is common – all pregnant women in the UK are offered screening for hepatitis B; babies of infected mothers are vaccinated immediately after birth to help prevent infection
  
• injecting drugs and sharing needles and other drug equipment, such as spoons and filters
  
• having sex with an infected person without using a condom
  
• having a tattoo, body piercing, or medical or dental treatment in an unhygienic environment with unsterilised equipment
  
• having a blood transfusion in a country where blood isn't tested for hepatitis B – all blood donations in the UK are now tested for the infection
  
• sharing toothbrushes or razors contaminated with infected blood
  
• the skin being accidentally punctured by a used needle (needle stick injury) – this is mainly a risk for healthcare workers
  
• the blood of someone with hepatitis B getting into an open wound, cut, or scratch – in rare cases, being bitten by someone with hepatitis B can also spread the infection
  

[d0nnivain]

Especially because she's telling you the chances of you getting it are small, she should have told you about her condition before she had unprotected sex with you. At the very least she should have made you wear a condom. People are allowed to make their own health choices & she deprived you of that by failing to disclose a potential threat to your health. A lie of omission is still a lie but more importantly this is why you need to have full blown discussions with potential partners before having sex, not about the number but about health factors & risks.

 

You now talk about feeling trapped. That is no way to start or maintain a LTR. How will you feel 5, 10, 20 years from now? Will you feel like you are still with her because she infected you or potentially infected you & you had no choice but to stay? Think about it. In the future when your next potential partner asks you about your sexual history you will be morally required to disclose to that person that you had unprotected sex with a Hep-B carrier. That new person deserves the same disclosure you were denied.

 

Personally no matter how "perfect" this is one lie I could never get past in a partner.

 

 

Go get tested. Get re-tested in 6 months just to be sure. If you are positive, press criminal charges & get a civil judgment against her for the costs of your lifetime medical care.

[viviva]

There are millions of people who don't even know they have hepatitis. My point is you could have been exposed with other partners and never knew about it. That is true for herpes.

 

There is always a risk when you have unprotected sex. You share some of the responsibility here because you were having unprotected sex.

 

Yes, she should have told you, but if you're not opening those kinds of conversations and having unprotected sex, you are responsible to a degree for your plight. And, even if you have those conversations . . . people lie.

 

Get yourself tested and educated. If you're negative, use protection. If you're positive, you have to use protection anyway from now on.

 

If you're positive, how will you handle it with new partners? Tell them on the first date, two months, three months? Have a plan for yourself. I can't count how many posts here include tales of drunk sex and throwing caution to the wind in the heat of a moment.

 

It's a good idea to talk about sexual health at some point prior to being intimate. It will seem like "business", but being tested or sharing test history needs to be part of the dating process. Otherwise, you're just as "culpable" as the person who doesn't tell you.

 

Have you ever been tested for anything? Do you know what you're carrying? You may take a test now and find you have herpes or some other problem that lies dormant in the system for a long time perhaps.

 

This experience just highlights something really important to address with partners.

 

Do you know that STD tests doesnt even include hepatitis b? So since she knows she has it the only way i would know is if she tells me! OKAY, i didnt ask her does that mean its justified? If she had hepatitis and did not know about it then it is cool, but she knew about this! And she was my girlfriend not a hooker! I do agree with the part of having protected sex though..but its not 100% either.

AND

Even if we did not have any sex at all..shouldnt i have known well before six months anyways? This seems like i was involuntarily dragged into something ..and has made my life hell now as i was 100% committed and open/honest about everything but it wasnt the same from the other side. (im not saying i should have been told on the first date..but at around 2 months of our relationship at the least? (she claims its a small town so she cant tell any boyfriend until she was sure she wanted to spend her life with me and thats why she took 6 months..but then she rather not date if she cant be somewhat upfront instead of fixing up other people in situations?)

Edited September 7, 2017 by viviva

[viviva]

How did she get Hep B in the first place?

 

Of course it may be sexually transmitted. In fact, sexual contact is the most common way hepatitis B is spread in the United States.

And 20-30% of those with inactive hep B may end up active too.

 

She got it from the mother..all her sisters have it too.

[Gaeta]

She got it from the mother..all her sisters have it too.

 

Is she Asian? I know a high proportion of people From Asia carry a type of hepatitis. It is so common for them that they live just fine with it. The problem is here in North America we are not resistant to it the way they are. They may live just fine with the virus but someone born on a different continent like North America will not handle it that easily.

[Gaeta]

(she claims its a small town so she cant tell any boyfriend until she was sure she wanted to spend her life with me and thats why she took 6 months..but then she rather not date if she cant be somewhat upfront instead of fixing up other people in situations?)

 

What she did is wait for you to be emotionally invested before telling you. It's emotional manipulation!

 

What if after 4 months she had decided to not spend the rest of her life with you then what? she dumps you with a gift - a chronic illness to deal with for the rest of your life !! She is full of BS. If she wants to date 6 months then she should not have sex either for 6 months.

[Redhead14]

Do you know that STD tests doesnt even include hepatitis b? So since she knows she has it the only way i would know is if she tells me! OKAY, i didnt ask her does that mean its justified? If she had hepatitis and did not know about it then it is cool, but she knew about this! And she was my girlfriend not a hooker! I do agree with the part of having protected sex though..but its not 100% either.

AND

Even if we did not have any sex at all..shouldnt i have known well before six months anyways? This seems like i was involuntarily dragged into something ..and has made my life hell now as i was 100% committed and open/honest about everything but it wasnt the same from the other side. (im not saying i should have been told on the first date..but at around 2 months of our relationship at the least? (she claims its a small town so she cant tell any boyfriend until she was sure she wanted to spend her life with me and thats why she took 6 months..but then she rather not date if she cant be somewhat upfront instead of fixing up other people in situations?)

 

im not saying i should have been told on the first date . . . but around 2 months . . . -- When was the first time you two became intimate? Second date, third date, one month?

This seems like i was involuntarily dragged -- As if you can't take responsibility for your sexual health . . . "hey, I've never been tested for STDs or anything that could be transmitted. Have you?" You do this before you become intimate with someone. Again, you've never been tested. How do you know you have done the same thing to someone else -- not by omission but by ignorance?

 

You decide when to address these kinds of things. You don't leave it up to them.

 

I'm just trying to tell you to stop beating the "when she should have told you" horse. You're both responsible. Get tested. And, deal with the rest after.

[Gaeta]

im not saying i should have been told on the first date . . . but around 2 months . . . -- When was the first time you two became intimate? Second date, third date, one month?

This seems like i was involuntarily dragged -- As if you can't take responsibility for your sexual health . . . "hey, I've never been tested for STDs or anything that could be transmitted. Have you?" You do this before you become intimate with someone. Again, you've never been tested. How do you know you have done the same thing to someone else -- not by omission but by ignorance?

 

You decide when to address these kinds of things. You don't leave it up to them.

 

I'm just trying to tell you to stop beating the "when she should have told you" horse. You're both responsible. Get tested. And, deal with the rest after.

 

Redhead, with all the respect I owe you and as someone who lives with a contagious virus, I am telling you at the moment we learn we have a contagious illness it is 100% our responsibility to warn our partner before sex. You cannot go around this one.

 

It's not the same has having sex with someone then later discovering you were carrying something. In one case you are just being stupid and in this case here someone is being fully aware they are playing with someone's health.

 

Having stupid unprotected sex without know you carry something isn't criminal, this case here is.

[knabe]

You must not be THAT in love with her if your first assumption is that she trapped you....

[Redhead14]

Redhead, with all the respect I owe you and as someone who lives with a contagious virus, I am telling you at the moment we learn we have a contagious illness it is 100% our responsibility to warn our partner before sex. You cannot go around this one.

 

It's not the same has having sex with someone then later discovering you were carrying something. In one case you are just being stupid and in this case here someone is being fully aware they are playing with someone's health.

 

Having stupid unprotected sex without know you carry something isn't criminal, this case here is.

 

it is 100% our responsibility to warn our partner before sex. -- It is 100% the responsibility for everyone to take responsibility for their own sexual health and exposure potential because NOT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME SENSE OF RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHER PEOPLE THAT YOU HAVE, GAETA.

 

In a perfect world, everyone who has a virus/disease is diligent/respectful/intelligent enough to do what they should do. And, not enough people do that or else there wouldn't be so many people who are being exposed.

 

We cannot count on everyone to be upfront and honest unfortunately. Therefore, it falls on us.

 

The reality is that what's worse than someone who knows they have a virus or disease, etc. and not telling, is those millions of people who have never been tested and going around blindly having unprotected sex. There are a ton more of these situations than this one.

 

I agree, she should have told him. He should dump her. But right now, he needs to tend to HIMSELF and his health first. She's irresponsible, no question about that.