Jump to content

Younger Girlfriend Won't Grow Up


eawards

Recommended Posts

I have been dating a wonderful woman for 2 years now and we have been discussing marriage. She is 27 and I am 47. When we are together, she acts very mature and we have so much in common. My kids like her as do all of my friends. When we met she was in engineering graduate school but she graduated 3 months ago. I am The CEO of a healthcare company that I founded.

 

My problem is that when she is not with me she is kind of immature. I have custody of my teenage children every other week so those weeks I don't see her much if at all. Those weeks she spends a lot of time going out and partying and drinking with her roommates or going brewery hopping or going out all day and night chasing Pokemon with groups of other people her age.

 

Last night her and her roommates went to a guy friends little get together. This would not be a big deal as I was out of town with my kids, except the guy friend is 23 years old and he had a bunch of his friends over and they all played some drinking game until 4am. I know this guy friend and I assure you this is not a jealousy issue nor is it a trust issue. Its just that I am starting to lose respect for her a bit. What is a 27 year old professional woman doing wanting to hang out with a bunch of 23 year olds and play drinking games until 4am?

 

I am also not a fuddy dud. I have friends and I also like to drink and have fun. We often will drink a bottle of wine together or go out to a whiskey bar or go brewery hopping together. Its just that we don't do that more than a few times a month because I have a business to run and I can't play all the time. When we are together we may go out or travel or we may just stay home and do nothing and she is never pushy nor demanding. I just notice that when she is on her week without me all she does is play.

 

Which leads me to the other thing. She graduated from grad school 3 months ago and I have not really seen her do anything to find a job. She seems uninterested or scared of growing up. Yet she talks about marriage.

 

I love this woman very much. I have not set limits nor have I been demanding with her because I never wanted to be THAT GUY. The controlling guy that wants to change their partner into what they want them to be. But after waiting for her to grow up a bit and seeing that she is unlikely to do so without some prodding I am reassessing this strategy.

 

How do I let her know that I am not mad at her for acting immature, but it is causing me to lose interest; without sounding like I am giving her an ultimatum?

 

I know some of you will say well she is 27 what did you expect? I get that but I started my company when I was 27. I have always been very driven. When she was in school she was also driven which attracted me to her. She still played but I respected her because she worked hard and then played hard. Now it just seems she plays hard only.

 

Oh one more thing. About 6 months ago her and her roommates decided to try LSD. When I found out about it I was so disappointed. She said she had never tried it and always wanted to. I gave this a pass because I tried LSD one time when I was 18 and in the Army. Lately she has told me she wants to do it again and wants to try Ecstasy and a few other drugs because she is curious. For me it seems that 27 is just to far beyond the age where adults are interested in experimenting with this stuff.

 

 

I welcome any advice

Link to post
Share on other sites

Of course you didn't behave the same way when you were 27: You weren't about to marry the CEO of a healthcare company, were you? Your relationship may actually enable her to live a life of little responsibility.

 

I have been with a woman who was 17 years younger than I. Her life circumstances were different, and she acted much more mature than the woman you are with. But keep in mind: You will never change her. So, you can indeed give her an ultimatum, but are you ready for the consequences?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Age is just a number...BUT what I see is a compatibility issue. You both have very different maturity levels. I don't give a rat's butt how she "acts" around you....she is doing that for you to be with you...she is acting. The reality of it is...that really isn't her. Marriage? This will definitely cause a huge riff between you two. She's just not at a place in her life to fulfill you expectations in what you want in a partner. it's pretty simple you two are wasting each other's time. You can't make her be anything because well that is what you would be doing, making her into someone she's not. You are almost 50, don't you think it would be more wise to find someone who is career minded, financially stable, and saving for retirement? Having kids in your 50s? You will have one foot in the grave by the time they graduate.

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara

You're right, you should have expected this because you have known her since she was 25, and she liked partying then. I'm wondering how she is managing to support herself at all now that she is no longer a student?

 

Sounds like whoever is supporting her lifestyle is making it easier for her to do nothing. If she is talking marriage, it sounds like she looking to continuing her carefree lifestyle long term.

 

What should you do? Talk to her, and tell her that if you were to ever consider marriage with someone in the future, the woman would need to be financially independent, and past the whole partying/drug scene. This way you aren't directly attacking her lifestyle or making demands, you are just stating what you are looking for in a partner long term. She will realize that in order for this relationship to make it long term, she has to get her life together.

 

I think that has to be where you draw the line with the relationship. Marriage cannot be an option as long as things stay as they are, and she needs to be made aware of that.

 

Also, if you are the one supporting her lifestyle now, you need to pull back and let her figure it out. If she has a problem with that, you should seriously question her motives for being in the relationship.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You stated you have been together with this woman for TWO FULL YEARS, and she has not been incorporated into your family as a stepmother or any important figure within the family unit for this entire time frame, two years, and you state you want to marry her. I would think after TWO YEARS, she would not be "something on the side" that you're waiting on to "grow up" while you see her every other weekend when the kids are at their mom's.

 

What I'm reading is you have two fully separate lifestyles. The single life and the dad life. Neither the two shall meet.

 

There are serious issues here, and I don't think it's solely her maturity. She is 20 years your junior, and this is a huge disconnect all on it's own, but please tell me why, after a two-year commitment, she isn't or hasn't been incorporated into your family unit in some way, and the future stepmom, and how do the kids like her? Have they met her? Why isn't she a more important staple in your daily life? Why, after two years, is she someone you see only when the kids are at their mom's?

 

Jeezuschrist, dude, you blow her off every other weekend because that's your parenting time, for two full years? Sorry, but you established the protocol and you chose a woman 20 years your junior. This woman should be on this vacation with you and the kids, after two years and potential marriage, not abandoned while you have other, more important things to deal with.

 

I apologize if I've missed the mark. Maybe she's the one avoiding the "family way," and you have just been working around it, but I think the answer is pretty clear, you two don't mesh. The fact that you, her, and the kids are not mixing and blending is hugely problematic. Piss and moan all you want about how when you were her age, you were this, that, and the other thing...like that's going to help. You're not her dad. The reality is, she isn't part of your family unit. She isn't on vacation with you right now, as your girlfriend of two years and potential wife and stepmother.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear
Age is just a number...BUT what I see is a compatibility issue. You both have very different maturity levels. I don't give a rat's butt how she "acts" around you....she is doing that for you to be with you...she is acting. The reality of it is...that really isn't her. Marriage? This will definitely cause a huge riff between you two. She's just not at a place in her life to fulfill you expectations in what you want in a partner. it's pretty simple you two are wasting each other's time. You can't make her be anything because well that is what you would be doing, making her into someone she's not. You are almost 50, don't you think it would be more wise to find someone who is career minded, financially stable, and saving for retirement? Having kids in your 50s? You will have one foot in the grave by the time they graduate.

 

 

yep....

 

Time to get out of the kiddie pool...She's just cherry picking what she wants out of you, but still wants to play party girl...You can play along as you wish. but all you've done is built a time bomb...

 

And, I might add, the the drug stuff is pretty bad...Id have no tolerance for that on any level...You're 47 man...What type of role model do you want your kids to see? Id be surprised if they weren't embarrassed to shyt over you..

 

TFY

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

Indeed, she's 27 years old and she's living the life of a 20 year old. You are 47 with a professional job and you are raising kids. You are clearly at a different life stage than this girl.

 

The drug stuff is pretty bad. I know you feel like she is wonderful around your kids but you need to be thinking about what kind of a role model she is for your kids... the drug stuff could get worse.

 

My boyfriend is your age, working, raising his son, thinking about retirement. We just hired a new person at work - she's mid-20's, living at home, beginning her career... They are worlds apart in terms of life experience.

 

Honestly, if I think about what it would be like if my 47 year old dad was dating a 20 something year old girl, well I have to wonder if I would have thought as a teen that my life was just about over...

 

Good luck to you. I hope it works out for you but I'm not sure that you are compatible long term.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm 45 (and not a CEO lol) and would have a hard time taking anyone under 35 seriously. Perhaps I'm jaded by the rampant immaturity I see in OLD profiles from women under that age, but from what you describe she seems like one of them.

 

I found it strange that she is not with you when you have your kids yet are talking about marriage. I assume she will be there on those weekends too if you get married?

 

Regardless of her age, the drug thing should be a deal breaker. You were 18 when you tried LSD - that's almost 10 years YOUNGER than she is now. Also, if she is looking for a job she should be worried about passing a drug test, not trying extacy.

 

You sound like you want an equal partner and this girl doesn't sound like she's ready for the challenge. If you make demands, and she changes as a result, she will resent you for it. It's one thing to have her put away the dishes but what you want is asking her to change who she is.

 

If you are just looking for a young girl to have fun with, don't get married and for god's sake get a prenup if you do.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I know some of you will say well she is 27 what did you expect? I get that but I started my company when I was 27.

 

And all this proves is that she isn't you. We can't go around comparing others to what we were doing at the same age. I've known people who grew out of that lifestyle at age 23. I've known others who still go and party at age 55. It's got nothing to do with age - it's more about lifestyle preferences.

 

I'm older than both of you and to a 27yo, you would be very much sounding like a fuddy dud. Why shouldn't she go out and party on the weekends when you're not with her? It's not like she's blowing you off to do this.

 

I was looking for context here and found that the last women you had issues significant enough to write about was also much younger than you. Have you considered that perhaps you're picking young women and then being disappointed because they are young?

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites

She's young and has a party side. You are mature and have responsibilities she does not have. Why would you think a relationship like this could work? Age gaps are not insignificant: they are about emotional maturity as well as physical changes. They are about history and background. They are about type of upbringing and exposure to social influences.

 

When she is not with you, she chooses to have fun experimenting. She is still at that stage of life in terms of maturity. You can't make someone more mature by placing demands on them. It will just make her resent you. I think you need to reconsider marriage until she has got past this stage or find someone with the required level of maturity instead.

Link to post
Share on other sites

27 is quite young but if she hasn't "grown up" yet then maybe she never will. As in, never worked? I would sit around partying too if I didn't have to work hard and set up a life. Has she been like this for the whole 2 years or is it since she graduated?

 

Why even waste time and money on grad school if she's not going to work?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Jeezuschrist, dude, you blow her off every other weekend because that's your parenting time, for two full years? Sorry, but you established the protocol and you chose a woman 20 years your junior. This woman should be on this vacation with you and the kids, after two years and potential marriage, not abandoned while you have other, more important things to deal with.

 

I apologize if I've missed the mark. Maybe she's the one avoiding the "family way," and you have just been working around it, but I think the answer is pretty clear, you two don't mesh. The fact that you, her, and the kids are not mixing and blending is hugely problematic. Piss and moan all you want about how when you were her age, you were this, that, and the other thing...like that's going to help. You're not her dad. The reality is, she isn't part of your family unit. She isn't on vacation with you right now, as your girlfriend of two years and potential wife and stepmother.

 

Act 00, You are right. She should have been on that trip. If it were up to me, her and I would see eachother every day and she would be far more involved with my children's lives. She does know them and they do like her, but I would not say that they have bonded and the reason is her. She seems very uncomfortable around them. This has gotten better lately though. She was invited to spend Labor day weekend with me and my children. She prefered spending it with her roommates.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

 

I'm older than both of you and to a 27yo, you would be very much sounding like a fuddy dud. Why shouldn't she go out and party on the weekends when you're not with her? It's not like she's blowing you off to do this.

 

 

Yeah, I think my post may have not fully captured the situation. She and I both go out to bars together and have fun. She goes out to pubs and breweries with her girlfriends and that never bothers me a bit. She actually does not go out to bars often without me. My bigger issue is why is she playing drinking games with 23 year olds until 4am. She has even told me that it was so much fun, I should go to the next get together with her. Maybe I am a fuddy Dud but I can not imagine a scenario where I would hang out with a bunch of 23 year old boys and her and her roommates playing drinking games. That is not going to happen.

 

This and the weekly pokemon go adventures (if you don't know what it is its an ap game where you run around town capturing Pokemon Monsters with your phone).

 

She is not a Party Girl but she likes to play a lot which is cool but I would love to see some responsibility too.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
27 is quite young but if she hasn't "grown up" yet then maybe she never will. As in, never worked? I would sit around partying too if I didn't have to work hard and set up a life. Has she been like this for the whole 2 years or is it since she graduated?

 

Why even waste time and money on grad school if she's not going to work?

 

She has never worked . Her parents supported her through Grad School. She intends to work, she just has not gotten around to looking yet.

 

She is not a party girl. She likes to have fun with her friends 3-4x per week. like all day pub crawls or attending get togethers where everyone is playing drinking games or beer pong and getting kind of very drunk.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yeah, I think my post may have not fully captured the situation. She and I both go out to bars together and have fun. She goes out to pubs and breweries with her girlfriends and that never bothers me a bit. She actually does not go out to bars often without me. My bigger issue is why is she playing drinking games with 23 year olds until 4am. She has even told me that it was so much fun, I should go to the next get together with her. Maybe I am a fuddy Dud but I can not imagine a scenario where I would hang out with a bunch of 23 year old boys and her and her roommates playing drinking games. That is not going to happen.

 

This and the weekly pokemon go adventures (if you don't know what it is its an ap game where you run around town capturing Pokemon Monsters with your phone).

 

She is not a Party Girl but she likes to play a lot which is cool but I would love to see some responsibility too.

 

23 to 27 - it's only 4 year age difference. Way back when he was 27, my husband had some younger mates who he'd clown around with too. But at your age, I can certainly imagine avoiding hanging out doing that with 23yos. It's just a disconnect of ages.

 

I think that her choosing her mates over you spending time with you and your kids is a much bigger issue. And it's not about the drinking - she could be doing book club with them and you'd still be faced with the problem of a 27yo who (understandably) doesn't want to become an instant mom.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
She has never worked . Her parents supported her through Grad School. She intends to work, she just has not gotten around to looking yet.

 

She is not a party girl. She likes to have fun with her friends 3-4x per week. like all day pub crawls or attending get togethers where everyone is playing drinking games or beer pong and getting kind of very drunk.

 

Her parents supporting her all this time puts a whole new spin on things. No wonder she's not growing up - she's never had to. And she's not likely to while her parents are supporting her. Actually, given that they've never taught her independence, I'd be really surprised if she ever turns into a fully functioning adult.

 

The way you just described her social activities, I'd say she's very much a party girl. Either that, or you and I have very different definitions of what a party girl is.

 

If you want someone who's mature, staying with her would be a big mistake.

Link to post
Share on other sites
She has never worked . Her parents supported her through Grad School. She intends to work, she just has not gotten around to looking yet.

 

She is not a party girl. She likes to have fun with her friends 3-4x per week. like all day pub crawls or attending get togethers where everyone is playing drinking games or beer pong and getting kind of very drunk.

 

 

Ok, red flags abound!

 

Just hasn't gotten around to looking yet????

 

And how is most of the week spent drinking not a party girl?

 

Also confused why you think it's odd she spends time with people 4 years younger, but perfectly normal spending it with someone 20 years older...

 

I'm not knocking you, and age gaps can work up to a point (Im seeing someone 16 years younger) but you have to be realistic and at least somewhat on the same page. And keep your eyes open, it does sound like she sees you as a nice ticket to avoiding working...

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

So, she has never worked and her parents still support her. Try applying some simple logic to that and see what it really means.

 

At 27 she isn't as mature as a regular 27 year old as it is.

 

She has always been looked after so expects it and you're just the next level of 'looking after' she is looking for.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Just because you're together and have been for two years, by no means at all is she obligated to 'grow up' for your benefit and by your appraisal.

 

If you have a problem with that? find someone else, find someone mature. You cannot force someone to take on a different perception of life, they'll do that by themselves in time. She obviously isn't anywhere near what you want in a significant other, so it's time to find someone else before you're made to be left supporting her for years to come.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear

Just wait til she gets knocked up and dumps you for the younger guys....Then you can spend your geriatric years paying child support and putting the kid through college, when you should be enjoying retirement...

 

Better double bag it, bro...

 

TFY

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

OP, you need to get real with yourself:

 

She is a party girl. Going out drinking, pub-crawling, playing drinking games 3-4 nights a week, and expressing an interest in trying harder drugs completely supports that description. Time to take your blinders off.

 

Hanging out with 23-year-old isn't the big deal you're making it to be, in and of itself. That's 4 measly years. You are with her, and she's 20 years younger than you.

 

She isn't you. Yes, you started a company at 27 which is awesome. But that's not her. You cannot expect others to behave a particular way simply because you did.

 

She isn't ready to be married. You yourself she shies away from getting too involved with your kids and family life. How's being their step-mom going to work, exactly?

 

I completely understand that you would like to see her be more responsible. She is definitely not the most mature of 27-year-olds. However, you did choose to be with someone 20 years your junior. Some say age is just a number, but you have to see now that your lifestyles and life stages are very different - and not very compatible. Based on your description, she is growing away from you. She is living the life of a young, carefree woman who is nowhere near ready to settle down. In fact, she is going further in the opposite direction. I think the long-term potential here is very, very slim.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

She is hanging with her peers, why wouldnt she? You are old enough to be her father. She probably looks at you more like a sugar daddy than a serious relationship; otherwise, why wouldnt she be with you and your kids when you ask her to? She'd rather hang with her friends? Of course she would.

 

Not working yet? Thats the biggest red flag.

 

She is showing you who she is. Believe her. She doesnt want to hang out with some "old guy". She's having too much fun with her friends.

 

It really sounds like theres a big generational gap here. You may be looking a little ridiculous to those she's hanging out with. Also, you can't compare you to her. You are you, and she is she. What you did at 27 has nothing to do with what she is doing at 27. You can't change people, you can only change you and how you react to people. Hard drugs?? Oh hell no.

Edited by Whodatdog
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Act 00, You are right. She should have been on that trip. If it were up to me, her and I would see eachother every day and she would be far more involved with my children's lives. She does know them and they do like her, but I would not say that they have bonded and the reason is her. She seems very uncomfortable around them. This has gotten better lately though. She was invited to spend Labor day weekend with me and my children. She prefered spending it with her roommates.

 

Of course she is uncomfortable, she is a single 27 yo without kids or any actual responsibilities, and by the sounds of things does not have a maternal bone in her body as regards YOUR kids.

She is on the opposite end of the spectrum from you.

 

She just finished grad school and now she sees herself as free.

YOU want to tie her down as a step mom to your kids and a companion to you, but she prefers drinking, partying and hanging out with younger men and spending time with her room-mates.

Young people who speak her language.

 

She has the best of both worlds, as her "Dad" you look out for her, no doubt spend oodles of money on her, and all is safe and secure, but she is able to party till her hearts content.

I would like to know your definition of what a real party girl is?

 

BTW no young woman is hanging about with no doubt "hot" younger men till 4am drinking, and it is all purely platonic.

YOU may get turned on by being a cuckold, but one day she will leave and I guess that day will not be far off.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
She has never worked . Her parents supported her through Grad School. She intends to work, she just has not gotten around to looking yet.

 

She is not a party girl. She likes to have fun with her friends 3-4x per week. like all day pub crawls or attending get togethers where everyone is playing drinking games or beer pong and getting kind of very drunk.

 

That, is called a party girl. Going out several times a week with friends - pub crawls, drinking games, hard drugs = party girl! And no, it's not approrpiate for you to be playing games with her 20 year old friends. Nor, is it really appropriate for a 40 year old father to be going to the bars drinking with his 20 year old girlfriend either. It would look like she is out drinking with her father.

 

I think the fact that she is choosing her friends over spending time with your children is a huge red flag. You have said that she seems uncomfortable with your children. That seems very reasonable. She is doing what a 20 year old should be doing - going to school, hopefully establishing a career soon, and spending time with friends. You want her to settle down and be a "wife" and "stepmother." Not going to happen.

 

If the values you want in a partner are hardworking, career woman and mother, you will have more success if you find someone closer to your own age to date.

Edited by BaileyB
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...