Really worried about where we are heading [UPDATED]

[Notsurewhat83]

Now I dont know if it's just me but I'm extremely worried about my relationship.

 

We are perfect together as in when we are together it truly is perfect and we aren't kids I'm 29 she's 27. Recently she got a huge promotion at work and I hardly see or hear anything of her during the week as she's busy. We hardly ever spend weekends together as she usually goes to see her friends Friday night's or Saturday daytime and this weekend for example we had a lovely Sunday afternoon together but then she had to do some work (in her own time). Today she texts me saying she's thinking about getting into massage therapy as a side business and I just constantly keep thinking where do I fit into all this? So she's already too busy to ever see me in the week, now she's thinking about a side job massaging people im guessing including men all night or weekend and we don't have any plans whatsoever. No booked holidays no talks of the future. I feel like recently I'm proper being pushed out of her life. On the upside she's such a nice woman, she'll go out her way to come pick me up if I need to say fetch my car, she supports me at my work and part of me feels like a horrible person for moaning that I never see her but it feels like I don't. A typical week with us will be taking her dog a walk 2 times a week an I might stay over once a week. It doesn't seem to ever progress from that and now she wants another side job. Any advice?

 

As an edit i did speak to her yesterday about not spending much time together then I woke up to her saying she wants this side job as it's her dream. I hate that if I don't support her im a horrible boyfriend but if I do then I'm just not getting enough from this. Feels like lose lose as I dont want to leave her.

Edited September 4, 2017 by Notsurewhat83

[bummer]

How long have you been together?

 

If all things are equal and the time together is great, then it sounds as if she's found exactly the right amount of time for you and doesn't need it to progress. If her future has plans without you in it, then she's holding you hostage until she can upgrade, in my opinion.

 

Agree it sounds like a lose lose situation, so best is to support her and match her desire for contact if you wish to continue. In a few weeks of biting your lip, if you don't see a proper next move, I'd consider ending it because you're just going to get hurt.

[Mike B.]

This sort of situation would be right up my alley. You have a woman who is busy enough to not demand too much of your time and the time you spend together seems like it is quality time together. I would love this situation because I have other stuff to do with a busy career and hobbies that I absolutely adore outside of a relationship...I think you can see where I am going with this.

 

Do you have too much time on your hands? Should you be doing more with your own life so that you are not so focused on her time? I am just wondering.

 

It seems as if she is living the life of dreams and aspirations like someone should. Celebrate it with her. If it is not what you want then accept the alternative in another person who may want to sit around and smoke weed all day or someone who doesn't smoke weed all day but is stuck in a dead end job and comes home pissed about it and so on.

[joseb]

This sort of situation would be right up my alley. You have a woman who is busy enough to not demand too much of your time and the time you spend together seems like it is quality time together. I would love this situation because I have other stuff to do with a busy career and hobbies that I absolutely adore outside of a relationship...I think you can see where I am going with this.

 

Do you have too much time on your hands? Should you be doing more with your own life so that you are not so focused on her time? I am just wondering.

 

It seems as if she is living the life of dreams and aspirations like someone should. Celebrate it with her. If it is not what you want then accept the alternative in another person who may want to sit around and smoke weed all day or someone who doesn't smoke weed all day but is stuck in a dead end job and comes home pissed about it and so on.

 

 

Well I'm all for having a life outside a relationship and doing my own thing,

but I'm not sure a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon is all that great a solution either.

[SwordofFlame]

Seems like you two have a lifestyle compatibility issue. She's the type of person that has to be busy doing things all the time. It doesn't appear you are anywhere near the same. I dated a woman like that once. The time we spent together was great, but it didn't last. We were too different.

[Mike B.]

Well I'm all for having a life outside a relationship and doing my own thing,

but I'm not sure a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon is all that great a solution either.

 

 

I'm pretty sure you misunderstood the point I was trying to make but I see how it could have occurred. It doesn't matter - No harm, no foul.

[NexttP]

The question would be how deep of a relationship is this currently? I mean, just because two people are in an exclusive relationship doesn't mean that the other person magically becomes the #1 priority 24/7. This is false expectation that plague a lot of relationships.

 

Look, you already said that if things were to happen (like picking you up) she would be there for you. That sounds like an amazing partner already. Building a career early is better than starting it later.

 

Here is another question. When she does spend time with you, is she "present"? Are you her #1 priority during that time? She's not entertaining another person, right? Do you feel she's using you as a safety net? Though it seems like she's the type that doesn't really need someone in your position as a backup, so you can throw that thought out the window.

 

Basically, I feel you are a bit paranoid and should just calm down a bit... or a lot.

[Notsurewhat83]

I dont know how to approach my partner in anything. For example yesterday she text to say 'Can you contsct me when you're awake I need to ask something' i rang her and it was about a selfie I posted a girl had liked it. Not a major thing and j went out my way to meet gf on dinner and reassure her. She apologised for being silly and I said 'you can ask me anything eveb if you think it's silly I'll reassure you as you're my main priority'.

 

Today I wake up and shes put a pose type selfie on insta Facebook etc... I text to say 'this isn't an argument but you said about me doing it yesterday and now you've done it haha it makes me uncomfortable too when loads of lads are commenting about how hot you look' she replied 'you've pushed me over the edge tpday I'm already having a bad day and that's made it worse. I won't be meeting you as I'm busy' I reply 'sorry it wasn't an argument I wasn't meaning to upset you but this is the reverse of yesterday where I went out my way to reassure you'. that was 5 hours ago and not heard anything else since. Now am I stupid here for saying it seems strange to not get the same back?

[Poutrew]

Let's see, you do something and you get hell for it from GF. GF does the same exact thing and YOU get hell for it.... dude, have some self pride. This GF is at the least a hypocrite. Next, you need to pose with a bikini model sitting on your lap. If GF doesn't like it, tell her "You pushed me over the edge and this is where I landed..." Then date the bikini model and dump the old GF.

[Notsurewhat83]

Let's see, you do something and you get hell for it from GF. GF does the same exact thing and YOU get hell for it.... dude, have some self pride. This GF is at the least a hypocrite. Next, you need to pose with a bikini model sitting on your lap. If GF doesn't like it, tell her "You pushed me over the edge and this is where I landed..." Then date the bikini model and dump the old GF.

 

 

That's the thing I asked her. I said how come you can do it and I go out my way to reassure you but if I do the same it's world war 3. I'll try to talk to her later and see what she says when I say 'so you asked me yesterday about a girl, how would you react if I responded how it has ruined my day and then didn't speak to you for the rest of the day'

[Redhead14]

I dont know how to approach my partner in anything. For example yesterday she text to say 'Can you contsct me when you're awake I need to ask something' i rang her and it was about a selfie I posted a girl had liked it. Not a major thing and j went out my way to meet gf on dinner and reassure her. She apologised for being silly and I said 'you can ask me anything eveb if you think it's silly I'll reassure you as you're my main priority'.

 

Today I wake up and shes put a pose type selfie on insta Facebook etc... I text to say 'this isn't an argument but you said about me doing it yesterday and now you've done it haha it makes me uncomfortable too when loads of lads are commenting about how hot you look' she replied 'you've pushed me over the edge tpday I'm already having a bad day and that's made it worse. I won't be meeting you as I'm busy' I reply 'sorry it wasn't an argument I wasn't meaning to upset you but this is the reverse of yesterday where I went out my way to reassure you'. that was 5 hours ago and not heard anything else since. Now am I stupid here for saying it seems strange to not get the same back?

 

Passive-aggressiveness is not an attractive trait in a partner and it's a sign of emotional immaturity. If this is how she deals with conflict, she wouldn't make a good long-term candidate. Tit-for-tat is childish. Find yourself a grown up woman.

 

If you do speak to her again about this, be firm -- "I reassured you the other day about social media postings and will agree to refrain from it. I would appreciate it if you would do the same for me. I want a grown up dating scenario and will not tolerate passive-aggressive games when we have conflicts". If she does anything but agree to refrain or at least stop focusing on social media BS, you end the relationship based on differing levels of maturity for managing conflict.

 

Conflict resolution skills are a key component to compatibility and long-term relationship success. Passive-aggressiveness and silent treatment are both immature and manipulative. She's got two strikes against her in the conflict resolution arena.

Edited September 7, 2017 by Redhead14

[stillafool]

Stop contact with her and start dating other girls. If you keep acting like a doormat she will continue to wipe her feet on you.

[lurker74]

She's abusing you. There are a dozen ways to deal with abuse but the most effective way is to separate from the abuser.

 

Interestingly, if the genders were reversed, most people would see it as a controlling, abusive man. But when the woman does it, it often takes longer to call it out rather than just saying he's being a doormat. I don't understand why...power dynamics I guess?

 

Anyway, she's emotionally abusing you and you should exit ASAP.

[stillafool]

She is definitely a controlling abuser and he has to come to terms with that.

[kendahke]

I dont know how to approach my partner in anything. For example yesterday she text to say 'Can you contsct me when you're awake I need to ask something' i rang her and it was about a selfie I posted a girl had liked it. Not a major thing and j went out my way to meet gf on dinner and reassure her. She apologised for being silly and I said 'you can ask me anything eveb if you think it's silly I'll reassure you as you're my main priority'.

 

Today I wake up and shes put a pose type selfie on insta Facebook etc... I text to say 'this isn't an argument but you said about me doing it yesterday and now you've done it haha it makes me uncomfortable too when loads of lads are commenting about how hot you look' she replied 'you've pushed me over the edge tpday I'm already having a bad day and that's made it worse. I won't be meeting you as I'm busy' I reply 'sorry it wasn't an argument I wasn't meaning to upset you but this is the reverse of yesterday where I went out my way to reassure you'. that was 5 hours ago and not heard anything else since. Now am I stupid here for saying it seems strange to not get the same back?

 

No.

 

The one being stupid is your girlfriend.

 

She's playing a game called "keeping score", and that is a sure sign that your relationship is about to go in the grave.

 

She is lashing out at you because some chick liked a picture you posted? And she's punishing you today with the lamest excuse in the book--that she's having a bad day? How does her having a bad day have anything to do with taking and posting a selfie to elicit "ooh, you're so hot" comments from dudes? Shouldn't she be getting that validation from you? So why isn't she?

 

She's unbalanced and childishly immature if this is her way of resolving her feelings about being insecure behind some random chick liking a picture.

 

Seriously, dude--you need to rethink the wisdom in being with someone that nuts. There's not enough hot in the world to make what she's doing ok.

[kendahke]

She's abusing you. There are a dozen ways to deal with abuse but the most effective way is to separate from the abuser.

 

Interestingly, if the genders were reversed, most people would see it as a controlling, abusive man. But when the woman does it, it often takes longer to call it out rather than just saying he's being a doormat. I don't understand why...power dynamics I guess?

 

Anyway, she's emotionally abusing you and you should exit ASAP.

 

Everyone is calling it out here. Where are you reading anyone giving her a pass?

[smackie9]

She's an immature little twit. You corrected something that she was uncomfortable with, formally apologized in person to make her feel better, but that didn't satisfy her. She wanted revenge for something that was so stupid to begin with. Now that you called her out on HER behavior, she quickly turns it back on you like you are the bad guy. IMO if she can't handle it, then she shouldn't dish it out.

 

Run, I say RUN FOR THE HILLS! She is treating you like crap.

[Notsurewhat83]

She's replied to say she still wants to meet tonight but she's been too busy to speak to me today. I appreciate she's busy but still feel like 5 minutes in bathroom or wherever to quickly say something nice would of been decent.

 

Tonight I'll just have to sit down with her and see if we can come to an agreement.

[smackie9]

Good luck with that. Just remember she is a manipulator, she will do and say anything to not take any accountability. She will go out of her way to make you feel guilt. Don't let her mess with your emotions.

[Notsurewhat83]

I dont think she did the selfie as a get back at ne type thing as she's posted some before. I just feel she isn't sure why it bothered me but if i pull her up on it tonight and she doesn't even bother to see my side then I've got to do the right thing.

 

I'm a firm believer that if it doesn't work it's both parties fault so will see what she says later as I've asked her if there's a better way I can approach her to resolve these things and she hasn't responded yet.

[kendahke]

She's replied to say she still wants to meet tonight but she's been too busy to speak to me today. I appreciate she's busy but still feel like 5 minutes in bathroom or wherever to quickly say something nice would of been decent.

 

Tonight I'll just have to sit down with her and see if we can come to an agreement.

 

What you need to do tonight is have a sit down with her and tell her verbatim what Redhead14 said.

 

Quite frankly, I'd end it with her tonight because this isn't just a one-off thing--this is how she is and it will rear its ugly head again in the future.

 

However, if you're that stubborn that you want to stay with a passive-aggressive immature child, then tack on to the end of that "if this happens again, I'm dumping you on the spot and cutting all contact with you before you know what even happened".

 

There are such things as serious consequences to actions and if you just let this roll off without administering any, then she's going to get the message that she can wipe her feet all over your back as she's taking selfies for dude to ogle at on social media.

[Redhead14]

I dont think she did the selfie as a get back at ne type thing as she's posted some before. I just feel she isn't sure why it bothered me but if i pull her up on it tonight and she doesn't even bother to see my side then I've got to do the right thing.

 

I'm a firm believer that if it doesn't work it's both parties fault so will see what she says later as I've asked her if there's a better way I can approach her to resolve these things and she hasn't responded yet.

 

I dont think she did the selfie as a get back at ne type thing -- I might agree with this thought process if it were not surrounded by her calling you out on yours, followed by cancelling seeing you and telling you she's having a bad day, etc. Don't delude yourself. Call a spade a spade and play your hand.

 

Good luck coming to an agreement.

[Notsurewhat83]

Can I ask what is everyone's stance on selfies? It's a strange one as my ex did loads BEFORE we got together and from the day we where official in 2 years she never posted another selfie, pouting or posing they where all either her and mates family or me. Plus in a Morning shed send ME a Snapchat and that would be it. I'd say she looks beautiful and that was enough.

 

Current gf takes Snapchats that I don't even want to save because they are sent to me but then also her story and screenshot to put onto insta and facebook. Doesn't feel private, to me it feels like she's woken up, sends me a nice picture but feels the need to validate it from everyone else too. I'll litterally send her selfie Snapchats and that's it. I dont know if I'm completley wrong or not as I've never had a relationship with a woman who's uploading selfies to a point where guys are commenting on them

[normal person]

I echo what most other people have said. But I have to add that if you're past your early 20s and she's getting into fights with you over "selfies" and social media, then maybe it's time to break up. To me it sounds like it's indicative of bigger problems.

[normal person]

Can I ask what is everyone's stance on selfies?

 

I'd like to know too. I figured they were for insecure people. I can't fathom taking a picture of myself and then deliberately shoving it down the throat of every person I know. Hence my advice above. If she needs to do that for some reason, she's probably got bigger problems. I'd dump her, but that's just me.