Jump to content

Finally met someone great, but I'm getting cold feet?


Lorenza

Recommended Posts

I don't understand what's wrong with me...

 

Have been on two dates with this guy and it seems like someone has molded a perfect guy for like me:

 

He's introverted - hallelujah, dating extroverts make me suffer tremendously;

 

99% of our interests, opinions and hobbies match and I figured it would result in much less complications and drama in life if I just chose someone similar to me;

 

Sweet and humble personality, loves his parents and siblings, handy, generous, calm - everything I would want in a partner;

 

Physically attractive to me and I had a hard time keeping my hands off of him during the date nr 2 (we were at a concert), he kissed me at the end of the night and it felt so right;

 

He texts me the right amount, not too much, not too little;

 

Ok so I could just continue dating him and see where this goes, right? Wrong... Even if it all sounds and feels so promising, I just got a sudden urge to get away and never see him again. And I have not answered about the suggested date nr 3 yet. I just feel so cold inside like I don't want anything, but at the same time I do want a relationship, so what's wrong? Have already felt similarly before, I tend to cancel dates with anyone who sounds promising and nice and I'll take days to answer their messages while I have no problem answering straight away when my relative (a problematic, dysfunctional guy) writes to me.

 

Am I so messed up that someone nice and suitable for me scares me? Is it like, unfamiliar dynamics or something? Should I force myself to go on the third date with him despite all this internal turmoil? Maybe I could win over these weird doubts...

 

I have not answered in 12 h and he already wrote: "Don't you want to meet me, have I done something wrong last time? :("

 

Don't know what to do :/

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Any current (ongoing) stress in your life other than this dating relationship?

 

Your message is strangely contradictory. It sounds like you (should) like him (a lot) yet you're literally giving him the cold shoulder.

 

Not sure what else to say except you should communicate with him.

 

Sounds like you're not ready to lose your freedom. I can sort of relate, but I'm pushing myself to say yes and keep seeing my date. No risks, no gains.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Maybe he's good but something is missing or not enough of that you want

 

Nothing is really missing... Except the mean streak and the overblown confidence my most recent exes had :( but that's nothing I want to go back to...

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Any current (ongoing) stress in your life other than this dating relationship?

 

Your message is strangely contradictory. It sounds like you (should) like him (a lot) yet you're literally giving him the cold shoulder.

 

Not sure what else to say except you should communicate with him.

 

Sounds like you're not ready to lose your freedom. I can sort of relate, but I'm pushing myself to say yes and keep seeing my date. No risks, no gains.

 

No, except for coming back to university, but that gave a sense of overwhelming happiness, even though it means I'm working and earning less money now.

 

It's hard to understand myself. Some days I feel like I just want a calm relationship with someone who'd treat me right, other days it scares the crap out of me.

 

Does it work out for you, when you push yourself to keep seeing your date? I mean do you feel like you're warming up to the idea of a relationship?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough
Nothing is really missing... Except the mean streak and the overblown confidence my most recent exes had :( but that's nothing I want to go back to...

 

Could it be because you are still hung up on someone else? I know for the longest no one can compare to my ex no matter how good he would have seemed

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Could it be because you are still hung up on someone else? I know for the longest no one can compare to my ex no matter how good he would have seemed

 

Not really... At least not to the point of not wanting to meet other men. Definitely completely over any exes. Did have a crush on a guy during summer but not anything I particularly care about..

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic

Are you sure you even want to be in any relationship? You sound kinda like me, and it's because I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't have the time for the necessary investment it takes.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

You're the type of girl that don't know what she wants. It's something you have to sort out for yourself. I think you should give this new guy a bit more time, things might be confusing at first but over time it should be clear to you if he's what you really want or not.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Give him some sort of answer, even if it's no. You'd be upset if some guy was leaving you dangling. Stop doing it to him.

 

Personally I think you should try date 3. He's a good guy. You are the one with the issue & it's not even real. It's fear. Don't give in to your own insecurities.

  • Like 9
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Are you sure you even want to be in any relationship? You sound kinda like me, and it's because I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't have the time for the necessary investment it takes.

 

I want it, it's just that when I remember the terrible anxiety my other relationships brought me, makes me reluctant to even try. I know it's confusing since I said I'm drawn to problematic characters, but it is what it is - a mess

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Give him some sort of answer, even if it's no. You'd be upset if some guy was leaving you dangling. Stop doing it to him.

 

Personally I think you should try date 3. He's a good guy. You are the one with the issue & it's not even real. It's fear. Don't give in to your own insecurities.

 

I answered and agreed to meet up again (even though my brain is already considering all possible excuses to cancel). The details of the date aren't that clear yet actually so we'll see

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Shut your brain off right now. It's not giving you accurate info.

 

Go on the date. Be open minded. Stop focusing on the worst case scenario.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
I answered and agreed to meet up again (even though my brain is already considering all possible excuses to cancel). The details of the date aren't that clear yet actually so we'll see

 

L, you are basically giving me insights about what could have been going on through the head of the guy I was recently seeing .

 

Could it be you're hesitant because he seems to be more into you than you into him? And you're used to the opposite dynamics (winning the hearts of guys that are more lukewarm to you)?

 

Just don't keep him hanging... Communicate if you need more time to decide, from his message seems like he's getting discouraged already :(

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Sounds like self sabotage to me. There is a lot written about it, maybe have a google and see if you can relate. And text the poor boy back, he sounds lovely. Give it a few more dates and hopefully if it is a fear based response it will subside.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm not a psychologist or anything, but can tell you something my current fiance told me. She said for years she dated guys she knew were bad for her. She grew up with an alcoholic father. She lived with a crackhead. She lived with an alcoholic. Even though she knew they weren't good for her, turbulent partner relationships, as she saw with her parents growing up, was what she knew. So, somehow, deep in her psyche, that was the way relationships worked. It was frustrating yet thrilling. Undependable partners who you never knew what they would do. On the surface it was horrible, but underneath it was kind of a thrill.

 

Maybe? Just a thought.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine

I have had to go through a period of this in nearly every relationship I had. I had to learn to discern when I am just genuinely not into someone or when I just have anxieties for no reason.

 

I made myself push through this when I felt the guy was worth it and it did subside in time. I usually told myself "Just one more date, there will always be an option to break things off tomorrow".

 

The only exceptions were when I was crazy about a guy (which was like 1-2 times in my life max). I did feel anxiety but more of an excited kind and I never thought of cancelling dates. Unfortunately, in these situations guys ended it with me :(

 

For me, it's not a "bad boy" thing, it's I enjoy being single too much thing and I tend to find relationships too restrictive unless it's "once in a lifetime" type of passion. The guys I was really into were kind and high quality people, brilliant, attractive etc etc.

Edited by Eternal Sunshine
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic
I want it, it's just that when I remember the terrible anxiety my other relationships brought me, makes me reluctant to even try. I know it's confusing since I said I'm drawn to problematic characters, but it is what it is - a mess

 

You have to retrain your brain to stop confusing emotional angst with emotional connection. I get it I've been there! Sounds like you might think he's too "boring" because he's not an *******. As @d0nnivain said, your brain is not giving you accurate information.

 

Give this guy a chance. <3

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic
I enjoy being single too much thing and I tend to find relationships too restrictive unless it's "once in a lifetime" type of passion.

 

Ditto.

 

............

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Perhaps you can't handle the stress of getting into a normal relationship? His last text to you was a little needy though.

 

Well, he's on the receiving end of countless threads in this forum where people wonder "we had such a good date and seemed to be a good match, I don't understand what's going on".

 

I find it somewhat cynical that suddenly he's the one doing something wrong.

 

If you are not feeling it, just say it gently but firmly.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

With all the drama you've been through in the past, you have become desensitized to normal. It's like an addict needs more and more stimulus in order to feel that high. This is why I'm not a fan of open-mindedness. I like when normal feels awesome. Try to reprogram yourself, is all I can offer you for advice.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, he's on the receiving end of countless threads in this forum where people wonder "we had such a good date and seemed to be a good match, I don't understand what's going on".

 

I find it somewhat cynical that suddenly he's the one doing something wrong.

 

If you are not feeling it, just say it gently but firmly.

 

I see what you mean. But posters in such situations are always advised against sending a needy message along the line of "what have I done wrong".

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
L, you are basically giving me insights about what could have been going on through the head of the guy I was recently seeing .

 

Could it be you're hesitant because he seems to be more into you than you into him? And you're used to the opposite dynamics (winning the hearts of guys that are more lukewarm to you)?

 

Just don't keep him hanging... Communicate if you need more time to decide, from his message seems like he's getting discouraged already :(

 

I never really had to pursue guys in the beginning of a relationship (or dating), but I have loads of experience of chasing after them further into the relationship. So it's not unfamiliar. I'm also used to very distinctive and expressive men. This one is quite special too, not boring at all, but super calm and probably not as charismatic. Which is the kind of guy I wanted to try dating...

 

I agreed to go on the third date though and we texted a little bit...

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...