Hathor Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 When I'm single, I date a lot. We'll go out for drinks or coffee or dinner etc a few times, typically talk on the phone and text a fair bit too. This may go on for anywhere from 2 to 6 or more dates before I'm necessarily clear on whether I want to continue seeing him (and whether he wants to continue seeing me of course too). That's it. No sex. At most some kissing. It's only when I'm really emotionally involved with somebody and crazy about them that I'll have sex. I thought this was all fairly normal but recently a friend told me it's really weird. She said a woman should at least be having oral with a guy after 4 or 5 dates. Really? When I'm really, really into a guy, I can hardly wait to have sex with him ;-) But are we expected to care deeply and feel connected to every random guy we go on a couple of dates with? It would feel very forced and mechanical to me to have sex with somebody I think "seems nice enough." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 How old is this friend who said this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 How long do you typically wait? There is a lot of personal variation with this. But I get the sense that you seem to have a really hard time knowing if you are interested in someone or not. 6 dates seems like a really long time to take to figure out if you want to keep seeing someone. Especially with phone calls and texts added in. Link to post Share on other sites
lurker74 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Not sure what your age is but, no, it's not weird at all. It's actually preferred for me (I'm 40M). Having said that, when I date women in their 20s (yes, I've done that and I have no desire to justify my actions to LS users), I have found that I have to be prepared for things to get physical faster or THEY lost interest. However, for women their 30s, it's a longer process. One that I prefer. I've had enough sex in my life to no longer worry about getting it, instead preferring to have it be good when it occurs. So 3 to 5 dates seems pretty normal. During that time, I would expect the physicality to escalate but at an appropriate pace. Interestingly, I've found that women in their 40s are more like those in their 20s. First date sex is not an uncommon proposition, which is why when I leave a relationship and decide to start dating again, I throw out all of my condoms so that I am not tempted to move to quickly. Of course, perhaps I am weird! P.S. Not sure I could deny early oral from a woman, though, even if it's totally not the expectation. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 How old is this friend who said this? To add: Sometimes, for some people, sex is just a means to alleviate stress/something to do. Not all people assign love and emotion to it and chances are, those people get more sex in their lives than those who ascribe to a more conservative view of sex. In my life experience, by the 3rd or 4th date with a guy I'm attracted to, we've shared some form of intimacy, if not full on sex. I need to know that we are compatible in that area before I let my feelings get all woven in tight to the point where I'm in crisis over the fact that we're not compatible in the bed, but I've let my feelings have their head and now it's going to be really messy and uncomfortable unraveling the weaving I've done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Who cares what's "normal" or "weird"? You live your life for YO, not anyone else. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it. And anyone who tries to tell you you're wrong, show them where the door is! 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hathor Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 How long do you typically wait? There is a lot of personal variation with this. But I get the sense that you seem to have a really hard time knowing if you are interested in someone or not. 6 dates seems like a really long time to take to figure out if you want to keep seeing someone. Especially with phone calls and texts added in. There is no typical. I have sex when I'm in love, or at least feel deeply connected. If I don't feel it, I don't have sex. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I thought this was all fairly normal but recently a friend told me it's really weird. She said a woman should at least be having oral with a guy after 4 or 5 dates. Really? How old is this friend? 15? it's the worse advice I've heard in a long time. This suggestion is the reason why all the new herpes cases out there are from oral to genital. You make your own rules, if you want to wait to have sex you wait. It has nothing to do with what other people think or do. You and only YOU get to decide how and when you will share your body. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
thefooloftheyear Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Your friend is feeding you a line of bullshyt... You aren't weird...You do what you are comfortable with...Period...If a guy doesn't like it, or thinks its not in the "current dating manual", then tell him to get lost... Some women wrongly believe that the only way to keep a guy around is by putting out...The women that say this often say it, because maybe they don't have much else to offer, so they are using the only tools they have in the toolbox...I guess I can't fault them necessarily, but its a pretty pathetic way to orchestrate your life.. My only advice is make it clear early on with body language where you stand on this...A lot of women play games with this by getting overly suggestive, then pulling away...I don't think that's a good plan... Good guys don't care as much about this topic as people like to believe they do...If you are worth the wait, they'll wait...Its not as though you are mentioning that its off the table... Be who you are.. TFY 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hathor Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 How old is this friend? 15? it's the worse advice I've heard in a long time. This suggestion is the reason why all the new herpes cases out there are from oral to genital. You make your own rules, if you want to wait to have sex you wait. It has nothing to do with what other people think or do. You and only YOU get to decide how and when you will share your body. She's 30. She prefers to have sex on the first date and I guess she assumed everyone was the same? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 She's 30. She prefers to have sex on the first date and I guess she assumed everyone was the same? Maybe she's at the age where her libido is ramping up for her. Still, not all women do this. Some do, but not all. Nothing wrong with that as long as you understand what you're doing and why. Certainly don't have sex before talking about any std's one may be carrying. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 She's 30. She prefers to have sex on the first date and I guess she assumed everyone was the same? She is just narrow minded and has no consideration on how you feel through all this. If you date 12 different guys in a year you'll give oral to 12 different guys! If she always has sex on a 1st date than it's like the previous poster said, she uses sex to bate men. Is it working for her? Link to post Share on other sites
Bastile Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 When I'm really, really into a guy, I can hardly wait to have sex with him ;-) But are we expected to care deeply and feel connected to every random guy we go on a couple of dates with? Sometimes, I do wonder if people actually think about what they are saying, or practice any self-reflection. Yes, you are expected to have sex. Because that is what you will be doing with the guy that you are really into. And every guy wants to be the guy that you are really into. Why settle for any less? Makes zero sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Who cares what's "normal" or "weird"? You live your life for YO, not anyone else. Do what you want to do, when you want to do it. And anyone who tries to tell you you're wrong, show them where the door is! ^^ This! Who cares? I am one who moved slow with sex when dating, much like what you described, and I didn't care what anyone else thought about it. They can do what they want to do and stop telling others how to live their lives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I just get repelled by guys/women that follow dating rules? Date 3 MUST be the sex date - why on earth??? Why not date 2 or date 12? Or whenever you both feel like it?? I feel like people that have low EQ need the dating rules to move forward, for the rest - it is when it feels like it is right. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 No, I think it's smart not to have sex early in the relationship. It's important to get to know the person you are dating. It takes time to build trust. It's important to have healthy boundaries with sex. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CryForNoOne Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 I don't think it is weird but opinions on this are all over the place. There are way too many rules about this and that's just silly. You do what feels right for you. I'll go for sex on the first date if we're both interested but I'm not going to judge her or lose interest if she isn't ready. I used to wait several dates before sex, but these days I pretty much always have sex on the first or second date if we both like each other. I think that very much has to do with my geographical location (hookup culture very prevalent in LA) and my personal choices (I only pursue second date if there is obvious mutual interest). So again, even though my personal experiences are totally different than yours, I wouldn't think a girl is weird if she wanted to wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 She's 30. She prefers to have sex on the first date and I guess she assumed everyone was the same? She must have a lot of first dates.... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SwordofFlame Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 This varies greatly from individual to individual. You should just follow your own rules and if the guy doesn't agree with it, than you're not compatible. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
O'Malley Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Anticipation of sex is normal, expectation is another. I'd go with what is comfortable for you with a specific individual and the mutual dynamic, rather than attempting to adhere to some timetable on sex acts. Being strong and clear about your boundaries goes a long way; it tends to weed out the people that won't feel compatible with you. It's fairly easy over the course of several dates to suss if someone is generally compatible with you in terms of boundaries, personality and make a decision about how far you want to escalate intimacy. Which means you might desire - and sometimes will - get intimate with some men earlier than you will with others. Neither decision is wrong, unless it feels wrong for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hathor Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 I think I may not have been quite clear in my original post. I do not have a certain number of dates/weeks/months I wait before having sex. I simply only have sex when I'm in love. And clearly you don't fall in love with every random person you go on a few dates with. So, in my case, it's that simple. I had not realised this was so unusual until my friend's comments. She advocates having sex with every person you go on a date with, immediately, regardless of whether you have any feelings for them etc. Her reasoning is "just get it out of the way!" But then I see sex as a way of getting even closer to somebody I adore, and not as something to "just get it out of the way" with every guy who asks me out. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 Why does one extreme case change your views on what's usual and what's not? Some friend who sleeps around tells you she blows every guy she goes on a date with and that somehow makes you doubt yourself. You do you, why caring how others live their lives. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Eternal Sunshine Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 When meeting someone through OLD, I prefer to wait 5+ dates. If it's someone I know in real life and have been attracted to him for a while, I would do it on the first date Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hathor Posted August 29, 2017 Author Share Posted August 29, 2017 Why does one extreme case change your views on what's usual and what's not? Some friend who sleeps around tells you she blows every guy she goes on a date with and that somehow makes you doubt yourself. You do you, why caring how others live their lives. It's impossible to say whether she is an extreme case or not. Obviously I am not going to begin blowing every random guy just because my friend says I should. I was simply curious as to whether limiting sex to people you actually love is considered 'unusual.' Why's it a problem to ask about that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
knabe Posted August 29, 2017 Share Posted August 29, 2017 OP, you are normal ,and I would go even further to say healthy. To me, there is something off about someone who just jumps into bed with every person they have known for a couple of hours. You do you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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