How do I tackle my smart boyfriend and his smart friends?

[Veev]

I am currently finishing my degree in early childhood teaching and he is in his last leg of medicine.There is no denying my boyfriend is much smarter than I am,he attends a great university and almost always achieves top marks,I do not.

I was very insecure at the beginning of our relationship because of this however,over time I realised that if I worked hard enough I could be just as smart, and achieve just as much as he has in my own field,if not more.

 

Over the weekend I went out to dinner with his medicine mates and one of their psych girlfriends.They've been trying to plan a dinner to finally meet me for a few weeks.Most of the dinner was spent discussing their practical experiences,tests,supervisors and mentors.I had nothing to contribute.

If it wasn't uncomfortable enough, my boyfriend also decided to praise his friends gf on her PHD achievements,all seven of them.I know this is my insecurity at its best,but the only thing my bf praised me for all night was that I was good at sports.Out of complete honesty I brought up that it was strange that he spoke on her behalf (not even her bf did) and had nothing else to say about me.In the end he didn't want to hear it and said there was nothing wrong with "admiring her".

 

In my own line of work I'm very well qualified and knowledgable of the industry.I work full time running a childcare centre, while also studying.Unfortunately, in the career heirachy most medical students laugh at arts and social science degrees.Everytime I think I'm confident enough to approach these social situations,I feel like I'm quickly shot down.When we're out and people ask us about our professions, my bf is always the one people prefer to talk to.It's slowly driving me crazy and I don't know how to address these situations.

[Gr8fuln2020]

First of all, your profession is profoundly important and don't let anyone, including your bf try to claim otherwise.

 

I dated and married a doctor and though they may know a lot about what they do, most such professionals don't know much about anything else. They may opinions, of course, but their knowledge base or expertise is limited. My ex was that way. Knew a ton about medicine, but just like you and me or less (depending on your expertise) on other subjects.

 

As per the lady with multiple PhDs, what?! It may sound impressive, but my immediate thought would be, 'Why the heck do you have multiple PhDs?' Not so impressive to me.

 

I believe you need to be a little more assertive. In future conversations try to ask questions for clarification, to engage in the conversation at hand. I would even try to inject some ideas or thoughts and perhaps steer the conversation towards something you are more familiar with.

 

Based on your current sentiments, I suspect it will not get better anytime soon. If the only type of people you all hang out with are other medical professions, of course they are not going to want to discuss issues you are interested in.

 

How long have you two been dating? I hate to say this, but many professionals find it 'difficult' to date people who are not at the same educational/income-earning potential. My ex had reservations about me and it had nothing to do with my looks, or height or if I was a good guy. She was initially focused on my income and I make much more than the average American.

Edited August 29, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[sandylee1]

Just be yourself. He either likes you as you are or not. I don't see anything wrong with him congratulating his friend's GF. if he wanted a pre-med student as a GF, he'd find one.

[CptInsano]

Just don't expect his friends to change. The medical profession has its own dynamics and hierarchies, which may not make sense from an outside point of view. You will most likely not be part of that "club", no matter who you are and what you do.

 

But as somebody else said before: He is with you for a reason, and you will have to trust his judgement on that.

[darkmoon]

there can be some real intellectual snobbery out there

 

possibly other/s at the dinner were also uncomfortable even though they are educated like your boyf - as they might well not have the slickest fastest replies

 

over time, make a lil observation of who keeps on truimphing or insisting in conversations, subtly or otherwise, and who in the pecking order is lower grade in the group, and who also concedes and holds back etc.

 

get to know them all

Edited August 29, 2017 by darkmoon

[kendahke]

Plenty of people with book knowledge are dumb as fence posts when it comes to life experience situations.

 

There is nothing wrong with what you do or your present level of education. If you feel you can do more, then do more. Otherwise, be satisfied with who you are and quit letting your boyfriend define you.

 

And you can also go for multiple PhD's too, if you're feeling that your lack of letters behind your name quantifies your worth and interest (which it doesn't) --nothing stopping you if you get out of your own way.

[Veev]

Sorry I should've clarified,her PHD and several of her published journal articles**

 

I've never been interested in marrying for money because I don't need to.I come from a hard working family with a strong,stable financial background.Once my parents decide to let go of the reigns,I will need to manage the day to day running of their business too.My partner will need a good few years after graduating to earn more than I do.So is this relationship a matter of money? Definitely not.

[Gaeta]

They are young and full of themselves and it will pass. Be proud of your boyfriend but don't let it intimidate you. Doctors are human beings just like the rest of us and often will lack intelligence in other area. What you do is important to society, you are modeling little minds and building their character, it's as important as fixing broken bones.

 

Next time you hang out with his medicine buddies you can ask him beforehand to redirect the conversation toward topics you can also participate in. These days with everything going around in the world interesting topics are not lacking.

[kendahke]

Sorry I should've clarified,her PHD and several of her published journal articles**

 

 

Nothing stopping you from writing journal articles in your field, either.

[Gaeta]

Sorry I should've clarified,her PHD and several of her published journal articles**

 

Good for her.

 

Why being envious? You have your own thing going on. Own who you are and be proud of it.

[BaileyB]

You don't tackle them...

 

Just be secure in the person that you are and the good work that you do. You should be very proud of your accomplishments.

[CryForNoOne]

First of all, your profession is profoundly important and don't let anyone, including your bf try to claim otherwise.

 

I dated and married a doctor and though they may know a lot about what they do, most such professionals don't know much about anything else. They may opinions, of course, but their knowledge base or expertise is limited. My ex was that way. Knew a ton about medicine, but just like you and me or less (depending on your expertise) on other subjects.

 

As per the lady with multiple PhDs, what?! It may sound impressive, but my immediate thought would be, 'Why the heck do you have multiple PhDs?' Not so impressive to me.

 

I believe you need to be a little more assertive. In future conversations try to ask questions for clarification, to engage in the conversation at hand. I would even try to inject some ideas or thoughts and perhaps steer the conversation towards something you are more familiar with.

 

Based on your current sentiments, I suspect it will not get better anytime soon. If the only type of people you all hang out with are other medical professions, of course they are not going to want to discuss issues you are interested in.

 

How long have you two been dating? I hate to say this, but many professionals find it 'difficult' to date people who are not at the same educational/income-earning potential. My ex had reservations about me and it had nothing to do with my looks, or height or if I was a good guy. She was initially focused on my income and I make much more than the average American.

 

I think this is a lame response and frankly a little populist and anti-intellectual. The problem is not her BF or his friend's GF with 7 PhDs (if that is in fact what OP was claiming). The problem is the OP's insecurity. The dinner conversation sounded completely normal for a group that is 3/4ths medical students. She has to learn to be comfortable with the fact that she'll never be as smart as every single person she interacts with. Nor are some people as good looking as everyone you meet etc... If you cannot accept that, I suppose you should not surround yourself with those people or you will always be miserable. These issues BTW are totally normal for young people in their early 20's, but you'll never be happy unless you overcome these insecurities. The old adage is completely true "You can never truly love someone unless you learn to love yourself first..."

[Annalie]

I think this is a lame response and frankly a little populist and anti-intellectual. The problem is not her BF or his friend's GF with 7 PhDs (if that is in fact what OP was claiming). The problem is the OP's insecurity. The dinner conversation sounded completely normal for a group that is 3/4ths medical students. She has to learn to be comfortable with the fact that she'll never be as smart as every single person she interacts with. Nor are some people as good looking as everyone you meet etc... If you cannot accept that, I suppose you should not surround yourself with those people or you will always be miserable. These issues BTW are totally normal for young people in their early 20's, but you'll never be happy unless you overcome these insecurities. The old adage is completely true "You can never truly love someone unless you learn to love yourself first..."

 

If you are implying that they are automatically smarter than OP, just because they study medicine, I would have to disagree. Millions of extremely smart people study social sciencies or arts because that is what interests them. Just because someone is smart, doesn't mean he/she should be a physician. And I am sure there are many doctors over there who are less than smart.

[CryForNoOne]

If you are implying that they are automatically smarter than OP, just because they study medicine, I would have to disagree. Millions of extremely smart people study social sciencies or arts because that is what interests them. Just because someone is smart, doesn't mean he/she should be a physician. And I am sure there are many doctors over there who are less than smart.

 

Never said nor implied it. I actually have a pretty low opinion of doctors. Most (again speaking generalizations here) tend to be more drawn to the money and status than anything else. I have much more respect for a researcher or straight academic who is often motivated by pure intellectual curiosity rather than the glamour of being a doctor...

[smackie9]

That's how they chitter chatter among themselves because they are at that stage where they are gathering up their achievements at the start of their careers. It's just their focus at this time. This will pass and they will move onto talking about raising their kids and about trips and crap. This is when you will shine, and can share your knowledge.

 

For your party, breakout some fun adult board games that will challenge them on their wit, not their knowledge. Something out of their comfort zone. Cards against humanity is an anything goes game while drinking a bottle of wine, or Taboo is simple and fun, kinda charades type game.

[LurkerXX]

There is some intellectual dickishness out there...there are even a few of those in other science disciplines or medical research that consider the doctor/surgeon/nurse part of medicine 'soft' because it is applied; it is childish.

 

But I think here is a combo of your insecurity, and some lack of consideration of including you in the conversation. When people in the same field or related fields get together, they can nerd out a bit and it can sometimes be a bit rude when there are people not focused on their area of expertise.

 

I think that you need to try to let go of some of the insecurity. You have your financial ducks in a row at a fairly young age and own your own business, and that is not something to sneer at. No matter what field you are in, there will always be a bigger fish: smarter people, people that can work even harder, people whose family name attracts funding to them, people who from the outside seem to lead a charmed life for no outwardly apparent reason.

[Popsicle]

They're not doing it to freeze you out, they're doing it because they have nothing else to talk about. They don't know how.

[Popsicle]

That's how they chitter chatter among themselves because they are at that stage where they are gathering up their achievements at the start of their careers. It's just their focus at this time. This will pass and they will move onto talking about raising their kids and about trips and crap. This is when you will shine, and can share your knowledge.

 

For your party, breakout some fun adult board games that will challenge them on their wit, not their knowledge. Something out of their comfort zone. Cards against humanity is an anything goes game while drinking a bottle of wine, or Taboo is simple and fun, kinda charades type game.

 

This is wonderful advice.

 

Also, if you stay with this man long-term, it would behoove you to bring him around your gaggle of friends just as often.

[Els]

I don't view anything that you mentioned in the opening post to be an indicator of differing intellectual wavelengths. I mean, it's possible that it could be true (and indeed the reverse could also be true - lots of doctors aren't particularly intellectual!), and if it was, then there could be problems. But it certainly isn't something that you can assume based on careers or number of PhDs or any such arbitrary measures.

 

That being said... yeah, hanging out with your partner's medical friends can be rough. I think it's because so much of their life is invested in medicine, so it always forms a large part of the conversation. And it's such a niche field, so it's not really something that you can easily get involved with, and you can easily find yourself left out of the conversation unless a few of them are good at socializing and go out of their way to make you feel included. It's understandable that you may not enjoy those dinners quite so much. I also disagree with the poster who said that it will pass once the "newness" of their careers fade. I've been to dinners with people who have been doctors for 30+ years... and many of them still talk a lot about medicine and hospital-related stuff. A few of them do have other interests or are good at making people feel included, but not all of them will be. It's just a product of spending 60-80 hours a week doing something, I guess - they might not have that much time for other things, and some actually end up doing nothing other than work if they don't have hobbies that they are passionate about.

Edited August 29, 2017 by Elswyth

[Eternal Sunshine]

I and my friends are one of those people. Actually my friends are mostly academics but some are also medical doctors that have PhDs and do research on the side.

 

Getting a PhD is hard work. Academia is a world of its own that people outside of it don't get. Most academics don't have huge salaries and are not motivated by money (which to me is admirable). Most are actually very intelligent but they do have huge egos to boot. They won't grow out of it. It's who they are at their core.

 

Now, most of my friends are happily married to non-academics. When non-academics join in, they do feel out of place, we have to make an effort to include them but it's forced and none of us enjoys it. However, those men don't think less of their partners for being non-academics or not having PhDs. They chose to marry them for a reason. They just like to have friends to talk about work and that world, just like other men like to talk about sports. You will never be a part of that world but it really doesn't matter. If feeling "at home" with your boyfriend's friends is very important to you then this is not a man for you.

[elaine567]

That's how they chitter chatter among themselves because they are at that stage where they are gathering up their achievements at the start of their careers. It's just their focus at this time. This will pass and they will move onto talking about raising their kids and about trips and crap. This is when you will shine, and can share your knowledge.

 

Not in my experience, medicine is an all encompassing profession and because there is a long protracted career path post graduation, the focus tends to not shift very far off topic for a long time, if ever.

 

Medics of all ages love to discuss medicine with other medics, but as it is a jargon based profession with its own "language", pretty cliquey and often insular, then when a bunch of them get together, it is always difficult for non-medics to make valid contributions to the conversation.

[Els]

Not in my experience, medicine is an all encompassing profession and because there is a long protracted career path post graduation, the focus tends to not shift very far off topic for a long time, if ever.

 

Medics of all ages love to discuss medicine with other medics, but as it is a jargon based profession with its own "language", pretty cliquey and often insular, then when a bunch of them get together, it is always difficult for non-medics to make valid contributions to the conversation.

 

However, those men don't think less of their partners for being non-academics or not having PhDs. They chose to marry them for a reason. They just like to have friends to talk about work and that world, just like other men like to talk about sports. You will never be a part of that world but it really doesn't matter. If feeling "at home" with your boyfriend's friends is very important to you then this is not a man for you.

 

I agree with this, especially the bolded.

 

I mean, personally I think that this discomfort is a minor issue and not something I would ditch an otherwise happy and healthy relationship over. It isn't really a big deal to have a somewhat boring dinner once every few weeks or so. Certainly, lots of people endure a lot more crap than that from, say, in-laws. It's all part of the LTR package. It's extremely unlikely that you would find someone who is compatible with you in all the aspects that matter to you, who loves you and vice versa, whom you are sexually attracted to and vice versa... AND all of whose friends and family you are 100% comfortable with and love spending time with. It's just not realistic.

 

But everyone is entitled to their own priorities, of course.

[coolheadal]

I am currently finishing my degree in early childhood teaching and he is in his last leg of medicine.There is no denying my boyfriend is much smarter than I am,he attends a great university and almost always achieves top marks,I do not.

I was very insecure at the beginning of our relationship because of this however,over time I realised that if I worked hard enough I could be just as smart, and achieve just as much as he has in my own field,if not more.

 

Over the weekend I went out to dinner with his medicine mates and one of their psych girlfriends.They've been trying to plan a dinner to finally meet me for a few weeks.Most of the dinner was spent discussing their practical experiences,tests,supervisors and mentors.I had nothing to contribute.

If it wasn't uncomfortable enough, my boyfriend also decided to praise his friends gf on her PHD achievements,all seven of them.I know this is my insecurity at its best,but the only thing my bf praised me for all night was that I was good at sports.Out of complete honesty I brought up that it was strange that he spoke on her behalf (not even her bf did) and had nothing else to say about me.In the end he didn't want to hear it and said there was nothing wrong with "admiring her".

 

In my own line of work I'm very well qualified and knowledgable of the industry.I work full time running a childcare centre, while also studying.Unfortunately, in the career heirachy most medical students laugh at arts and social science degrees.Everytime I think I'm confident enough to approach these social situations,I feel like I'm quickly shot down.When we're out and people ask us about our professions, my bf is always the one people prefer to talk to.It's slowly driving me crazy and I don't know how to address these situations.

 

Smart Jerks, you don't need that BS! You should have stood-up walk away from it all. Why subject yourself to all that crap! He puts his friends first than you, you knew this prior to writing us here. Why in the world do you stand for this, is what I can't figure you out. Tolerate his behavior around his friends and you. Remember this word of advise "you are what you think" "greater the ego, less likely to make it work" "to have to behold, but to accept ones faults, given the fact she's your gf should stand-out the most"

[knabe]

I am a former teacher, and this is my FAVORITE take on...well, everything

 

 

You are a child's first learning experience. You are teaching them how to learn, which will affect EVERYTHING they become...including doctors

[SwordofFlame]

I've been on countless dates with med students and they all predominantly talk about their work and studies. It really consumes their lives unfortunately.