are dating "rules" useful or actually destructive?

[Hathor]

I'm a 29 year old single woman. Attractive, quite happy in life in terms of career, family, home etc. I'm not actively looking to get married and start a family right now but I also don't want to get into Friends With Benefits situations, or have one night stands. I'd love to be in a long-term exclusive relationship with a man who I think is amazing.

 

I date frequently. I don't use dating sites but tend to date men I meet through friends or through work etc. Currently there is a guy who ticks all the boxes: he is intelligent, hard working, treats me really nicely, he's got quite a good sense of humour, I find him physically attractive, he's available, he always calls when he says he will, does what he says he will do and we get on well and have great conversations. We've been out maybe 5 times and are not intimate yet but there is attraction there.

 

But I also met a different guy who is an entrepreneur on a crazy schedule which means he works 85 hours a week and is exhausted most of the time (he has like one Sunday per month off and that's it). He doesn't appear to be in a fit state to commit to a relationship. He's a bit crap at communicating between dates but in person the communication is amazing. The thing is, this is the guy I want. When we do go out the chemistry is ridiculous and the first date lasted 20 hours (without sex). We just couldn't bear to end the date. We both said we experienced something like time entering slow motion when we are together. But he is not consistent and committed and available like the other guy. For example, the other guy will always be in touch on the day of a date to confirm. He will always text or call after the date to say he had a great time and see when I'm next available. But the guy I like never does any of that. He says he thinks we know each other from a past life and that things will unfold the way they are supposed to.

 

What would you do? It's very rare for me to feel a spark with anyone.

[Lobouspo]

OP, since guy 1 appears to "check all the boxes". Is there a lack of chemistry with him? He seems to be the one available for a relationship, so after 5 dates is there anything specific that gives you pause to focus on him? I get that guy 2 is your first choice, but doesn't sound like he's ready or available for a serious exclusive relationship like you want. Do the math. How do you build a relationship with someone working 85 hour work weeks? One guy that checks all the boxes likes you and seems available for a relationship. The other guy is not. So much in life is about variables and timing. Think about that

[littleblackheart]

If your heart is set on guy 2, there is no point in flip flopping.

 

Just keep in mind that the amazing chemistry will eventually fizzle out and you'll be left assessing whether you are compatible with a guy you barely see.

 

Guy 1 can be steady as a ship, if you don't 'want' him, there's not much of a debate .

 

Good luck!

[Hathor]

OP, since guy 1 appears to "check all the boxes". Is there a lack of chemistry with him? He seems to be the one available for a relationship, so after 5 dates is there anything specific that gives you pause to focus on him? I get that guy 2 is your first choice, but doesn't sound like he's ready or available for a serious exclusive relationship like you want. Do the math. How do you build a relationship with someone working 85 hour work weeks? One guy that checks all the boxes likes you and seems available for a relationship. The other guy is not. So much in life is about variables and timing. Think about that

 

Well the 1st guy does indeed check all the boxes. I'm sure my mother would even be delighted if I settled down with him. He is probably better looking than the guy I really like as well. But, although he treats me well, I question whether he is actually a nice person. He's said a few things to or about other people that have worried me. For example, a woman walked by and he made really unkind comments to me (not so she could hear) about how fat she was. Another time he was saying really spiteful things about a woman who is not especially physically attractive. He also seems classist and against people from less privileged backgrounds. I get the impression he is only nice to me because I tick a lot of his boxes by being from what he considers a "respectable" family, being thin, etc. It's weird. He has a reputation for being a good guy and being helpful to people. But my intuition tells me he is not a particularly pleasant or honest person at heart.

 

The other guy is, on the surface, completely unsuitable, LOL. But he is extremely honest, incredibly hard working and has a good heart. I'm someone who's pretty sensitive to "energy." The 1st guy I would not feel safe going to his home with him unless I 100% wanted sex. I would not completely trust him. The 2nd guy, I went back to his place on the 2nd date and made out a little but then kept changing my mind as to whether I wanted to have sex or not. He was extremely patient and good natured about it all. In the end I decided I did not want to have sex yet. We slept in the same bed though and he held me really tight all night and I've never felt so safe in my life really.

[grays]

Im not sure what you should do about the unavailable one, but you obviously shouldnt be with the one youre not feeling good about.

 

I actually have a thing going with a guy now that is very similar to what you have with the unavailable one. Im pretty comfortable giving it some time to see if it could turn into something more substantial, but Im not super keen on being monogamous right now, so in a way it kind of suits me. Its nice for me to have a guy I could imagine truly loving without having to give up my just for fun guys. Im hoping his work life will lighten up at the same time my dating life lightens up. But if he was my only one, I think Id lose my mind. Can you talk to him about it?

[act00]

Guy number one does a lot of the "right" things as far as "checking the boxes," and largely what I would consider to be good manners and just socially acceptable behavior. Making a plan, following up on that plan, and of course a thank you. Basics. Plus, he is being sure to let you know how he feels about you and that you are important to him. The downside to this scenario is that as you spend more time with him and know him more, the icky parts of his personality are starting to creep up. This is normal in dating, as the honeymoon phase starts to end and reality starts to emerge. This is when "the real you" starts to come out, as people stop being on their best behavior and things get real. You are emerging to the point in your early relationship that is normal and when people start to see the "real" person and if there is compatibility long-term. You're not seeing positives, and while you can specifically point out one thing, there are probably other things that don't sit well with you, but you can't quite put your finger on it yet. He's judgmental and critical and vocal about it, and I can tell you that for myself, I'm going to wonder how he'll behave towards me as my body ages and changes, especially after having babies, etc.

 

Guy number two - very busy but he trips your trigger a great deal. The problem is, you really don't have the time together, as his life/job are very demanding. I question if he could make more time for you, but I also understand obligations and it may not be possible, at least not now. Your honeymoon phase and excitement is extended because you just simply haven't had the time to really know the "real" him yet. If you're happy with this arrangement and are willing to wait, that's great. I question if you really want to pursue someone so unavailable. I've been in this place, and for as great as this guy is, how long do I wait and be patient? Is this really what I want? It was a struggle in my mind because he was definitely worth it, but also, I want someone available. It's a difficult place, but if it's working, it's working, and at some point you may decide it's not. If you have the opportunity to spend more time with #2, you may find your personalities are not compatible, but it could be you're perfect for each other, so let it ride until you feel it's not working anymore, I guess. U-pick. But keep in mind, you have a lot of absence and a lot of excitement when you get that time, but the substance and reality are slow to emerge. If this guy can't take a little time out of his busy life for some communication and let you know he's thinking of you, this might be someone best to not attach to.

[smackie9]

If the chemistry is that intense between you and #2 guy, then go for it. When things really get going, you will become more of a priority, and possibly will change his life in order to be with you. It's always a risk tho, BUT if you give yourself a deadline like say 6 months, and things haven't changed in his scheduling, then stop wasting your time.

 

Some people are willing to accommodate, make changes when they are in love and see a future with someone.

[Cookiesandough]

Well the 1st guy does indeed check all the boxes. I'm sure my mother would even be delighted if I settled down with him. He is probably better looking than the guy I really like as well. But, although he treats me well, I question whether he is actually a nice person. He's said a few things to or about other people that have worried me. For example, a woman walked by and he made really unkind comments to me (not so she could hear) about how fat she was. Another time he was saying really spiteful things about a woman who is not especially physically attractive. He also seems classist and against people from less privileged backgrounds. I get the impression he is only nice to me because I tick a lot of his boxes by being from what he considers a "respectable" family, being thin, etc. It's weird. He has a reputation for being a good guy and being helpful to people. But my intuition tells me he is not a particularly pleasant or honest person at heart.

 

The other guy is, on the surface, completely unsuitable, LOL. But he is extremely honest, incredibly hard working and has a good heart. I'm someone who's pretty sensitive to "energy." The 1st guy I would not feel safe going to his home with him unless I 100% wanted sex. I would not completely trust him. The 2nd guy, I went back to his place on the 2nd date and made out a little but then kept changing my mind as to whether I wanted to have sex or not. He was extremely patient and good natured about it all. In the end I decided I did not want to have sex yet. We slept in the same bed though and he held me really tight all night and I've never felt so safe in my life really.

 

Guy one sounds awful

[Hathor]

so with guy #1 the dates last a "normal" amount of time. Maybe we meet for dinner at 8pm and we've finished dinner and drinks by 11pm and go our separate ways, having had a perfectly pleasant evening.

 

Dates with guy #2 so far have gone on for HOURS, despite him actually having hardly any free time. On one recent date we decided to meet at 5.30pm for a quick coffee and chat. 20 or so hours later we finally parted ways. So although he doesn't have much time, period, he actually does seem to be making time for me. So far.

[Hathor]

Guy one sounds awful

 

I'm not even sure I'd go so far as to say "awful." At least not on the surface. Surprisingly (and maybe sadly) plenty of women seem happy enough to let such things slide and he seems to have been pretty successful with women in the past.

[act00]

I'm not even sure I'd go so far as to say "awful." At least not on the surface. Surprisingly (and maybe sadly) plenty of women seem happy enough to let such things slide and he seems to have been pretty successful with women in the past.

 

Awful *is* the word. "Plenty of women" have probably done the same thing as you are doing right now...second guessing. "He's so nice and polite." Due to his exceptionally polite behavior, it takes some time to sink in that this guy is a clod.

 

You're still blinded by his shiny exterior, as are your family who haven't seen the unsavory middle. Few people get to see that the 24K gold coating rubs off and turns your finger green...he's the forgotten chocolate in the box after someone punches a hole in the bottom and figures out the middle is filled with crap...but it really looks good on the outside.

 

"Awful" is perfectly a appropriate word, as he openly judges and mocks strangers.

[alphamale]

ahh the good guy vs. the bad guy, what a quandary. the bad boy usually wins in these situations

[Cookiesandough]

ahh the good guy vs. the bad guy, what a quandary. the bad boy usually wins in these situations

 

First guy is not what I would consider a good guy. But it does look like he's more interested.

[SwordofFlame]

Go with guy #2 since it appears he is making time for you. Well at least he did when he spent 20 consecutive hours with you. Guy 1 doesn't seem like a good person. He's probably the kind of person who treats people who he doesn't need to treat well (like waiters) poorly.

[Hathor]

Hmm, guy #2 is suddenly being very open about his feelings

[todreaminblue]

i guess who you go with depends on what you want for your future.....

in my experience guys who cant make and keep dates or are slack on following through with communicating when they say they will, arent long term relationship potential......relationships arent easy however much people say they are easy,relationships take time effort commitment and communication......

 

having great chemistry is terrific ....short term......sometimes people get blessed and have everything in spades.....but sometimes you just have to know what you want in life and if the guy fits in your puzzle of possible tomorrows...keep him.... because he will turn up or call you when he said he would tomorrow..........keep him.....

 

for honestly,

being able to spend twenty hours together and have fun.....you can do with a dog...not so much a cat...because cats just dont care....unless it suits them to....

 

 

a relationship that lasts a while with a man...well...chemistry doesnt continue to cut it when you are waiting for him to meet you late at night and it starts to rain and you cant contact him or he doesnt contact you till two days later when you have pneumonia and your nose looks like rudolphs......the chemistry then...isnt really fun....

 

personally i would rather have fun with the guy who met me in the rain...and ran to the car ro the trian or the bus..... with me to make sure i didnt face plant it down a gutter............on time and communicative..much more....fun...but ....all in all follow your own heart and i wish you well....deb

[Gr8fuln2020]

I don't have 'rules.' I simply do what is instinctive for me. My recommendation is for you to be yourself, but if being yourself is counter-productive, it means you need to work on yourself before being in any relationship.

 

1. I pay unless the lady has insists and even then I make another attempt to pay. I've had a couple of dates since moving and one paid for herself and the other offered to for me. Nice, but I am always ready to pay.

2. First dates are ALWAYS something simple. Coffee. A light treat. A drink.

3. I never suggest, intimate that I am interest if I am not. No ambiguity.

4. I am always a gentleman, never rude.

5. If a date is going poorly, I end it sooner than later.

6. No games. If I am truly interested, I let the lady know by texting, calling, setting up dates. If I'm interested, I let her know at the end of the date, not later.

 

MY RULES...They work for me and I have yet have a bad date. Most haven't resulted in a second date for whatever reason, but I always try to have a fun date and I always put in my all regardless of whether I feel if there is any relationship potential.