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Any Multidating Tips???


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

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Old 23rd August 2017, 9:34 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by lana-banana View Post
I don't understand this. The point of dating is to find someone you like well enough to keep seeing. You don't go on dates with people as "back up"; that's ghastly. If you don't like someone that much, you stop seeing them. This entire thing about dating other people just to stop obsessing over someone else seems misguided. Yeah, it might be helpful to stay aware of other options, but if someone is getting full-blown obsessive after two or three meetings they need to work on themselves psychologically, not pursue more distractions.

When I met a guy I liked enough to turn off my account or whatever, we would make it exclusive after 3 dates. The end.

Oh okay. If the definition of 'multidating' being used here is going on a date with more than one person before you find a guy you like, I mean, I think pretty much everyone has done that? That's not what I understood 'multidating' to mean. At least not how it's typically used on this forum. A lot of people are not sure about becoming exclusive after 3 dates. If a woman likes such a person, it's often recommended for her to "see other guys!" That's the multidating I never got/is hard for me.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 23rd August 2017 at 9:37 PM..
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Old 23rd August 2017, 9:40 PM   #17
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Why won't the tunnel vision stop?!

I can't message anyone else back now...

Ughhhhhhh

I havent even been on a date with tunnel vision guy yet. Wtf is wrong with me?
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:01 PM   #18
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Dilemma, I dont know how to not get carried away (in my mind) with one person. I need to learn how to branch out, be more realistic and focus on a few guys at a time. Its like I become too attached right off the bat and have no interest in thinking about anyone. As you can imagine, that thought process creates a lot of problems when things go south and all my hopes fall to the wayside

I'm currently talking to a few guys so I need to get this sorted out

Any tips would be greatly appreciated! Thanks guys!
I am pretty much the same way and I got burned several times. The 1st step is talking to several guys at once. When I 1st started doing that, I felt really weird because I'm a one guy type of girl. Once I started dating more, I no longer felt bad. I had quite a few guys who were promising and in one or another they ended up disappointing me (playing games, wanting only sex etc).
Do not get your hopes up at all until you start getting the proper treatment from the guy. I even got insensitive w/dating until I met the one guy (my current bf), who really treated me well and made me feel special. Once I went on a couple dates w/him and he brought up relationship stuff after a couple dates, I deleted all my dating profiles.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:11 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

-Phone buzzes-

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. "

-Runs to check phone-

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/
Hahaha! I would probably do the same thing!

Ehh... multidating is easier said than done
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:21 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by lana-banana View Post
I don't understand this. The point of dating is to find someone you like well enough to keep seeing. You don't go on dates with people as "back up"; that's ghastly. If you don't like someone that much, you stop seeing them. This entire thing about dating other people just to stop obsessing over someone else seems misguided. Yeah, it might be helpful to stay aware of other options, but if someone is getting full-blown obsessive after two or three meetings they need to work on themselves psychologically, not pursue more distractions.

When I met a guy I liked enough to turn off my account or whatever, we would make it exclusive after 3 dates. The end.

It's not about stringing people along or playing with their emotions. It's the idea that especially in the age of OLD, it's OK if you go on early 1st, 2nd or 3rd dates with somebody and also go on another date with a different person in the same week. It doesn't make you a bad person if you have coffee with 2-5 different people in the same week to see who is worth talking to again & who doesn't click. They may not chose you anyway.


For the OP it's about learning to stop planning her wedding to some person she had 1-2 dates with. She needs to learn to put on the brakes. Since she said she can't hold 2 fairytales in her head at the same time, having multiple dates which requires scheduling should keep her brain busy enough during those first few weeks that she isn't writing the fairy tale on only superficial info about the person while letting her imagination fill in the gaps with her dreams rather than who the guy actually is.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:57 PM   #21
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Ive taken multi-dating to a whole nother level. I have two tracks: one for guys I really like but who I know arent right for a committed relationship (these are the ones I have sex with and some of these turn into substantial relationships, for example right now I have two main guys here, one Ive been seeing a ton for about six months so its hard for me to even have time to spend on the second track and the other is someone I have really adored for a year and a half and usually see once every three or four weeks) and another for the tryouts (since Im still hoping to find one Id be happy to be committed to). It works out kinda well for me except that I keep promoting my tryouts to the really like group which leaves me no time/inclination to meet new tryouts.

The nice thing about this for me is that I never feel desperate for any given guy to work out. Im not overly lonely or horny. Im pretty satisfied with my current set up. I think it allows me to be choosier than I would be if I was only dating one person at a time. Im afraid if I was really lonely Id just hang on to someone not right for me.

OP, maybe one thing you could do is to multi-talk rather than multi-date? You could date one at a time but already be in the process of picking out the next date before youve met the current, if that makes sense.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 11:07 PM   #22
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Do you ever watch "The Bachelorette" or "Bachelor in Paradise"? My daughter forced me to watch the former a few times. The Bachelorette could multidate like a boss.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 11:16 PM   #23
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My wife and I agree that had we insisted on monogamy, we would have divorced a very long time ago. She learned she was bisexual after we married and needed a woman in bed and in her life. We had threesomes with a few of the women she liked and ended up moving her best friend in. Surprise, she was secretly bi two. To make it stranger, all three of my lovers have been bisexual. I have never had a relationship with a hetero woman so we were perfect. I did not know these girls were bi until well into the relationship but I attracted them somehow. My wife says that after having sex with me, they swore off men.

Poly life suited us well. It filled both of our needs for another women in our bed and lives. The problem is none of the other poly people we knew made it. Sooner of later someone got jealous or ran off with a partner. We lasted because our girlfriend was a friend of ours since our early teen years. She was a frequent visitor to our house, sometimes taking her vacation at our place. We treated each other as family long before we introduced sex into the relationship. It was not like a sudden change in our life. Our girlfriend would stay with us for weeks at a time. We walked around the house in our underwear and she and I flirted as we did since we were teens. Problem back then was that I was a bad boy and she was a good girl so we never hooked up.

Monogamy does not work well according to cheating and divorce statistics. Most people, like you, are serial monogamous. They rather destroy the life they made with their partner just to have sex with someone else. I think our solution is better because no lives are destroyed or divorces needed. You can love more than one person. Like you I zoomed in on one person and that never worked out well. No two people can provide each other with all of their needs. When you expect your partner to be all that you want and then realize he cannot, well, that is when cheating or breakups start.

You need to try to undo what society had rammed down your throat about monogamy. It works well for most but not for all. We chose our marriage over all else, including monogamy and made it work. If you look around the internet you will find lots of resources about many poly lifestyles. Take a look.

Polyamory: When three isn't a crowd - CNN

Rethinking monogamy today - CNN
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Old 23rd August 2017, 11:23 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by NuevoYorko View Post
Do you ever watch "The Bachelorette" or "Bachelor in Paradise"? My daughter forced me to watch the former a few times. The Bachelorette could multidate like a boss.
Hahaha!

I've seen it once and yes, she was a pro!
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Old 23rd August 2017, 11:29 PM   #25
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For the OP it's about learning to stop planning her wedding to some person she had 1-2 dates with. She needs to learn to put on the brakes. Since she said she can't hold 2 fairytales in her head at the same time, having multiple dates which requires scheduling should keep her brain busy enough during those first few weeks that she isn't writing the fairy tale on only superficial info about the person while letting her imagination fill in the gaps with her dreams rather than who the guy actually is.
God this is good. Seriously.

Now if I can only pull this off!

I did message the other guys back. I'm willing myself to do this. I realize since I'm already having trouble this early on (havent even been on a date yet) that multidating might not be possible for me

I just hate dreaming about the whole fairy tale only for it to turn into a nightmare. Multidating is the only way I can figure out to help me pump the brakes
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Old 24th August 2017, 1:39 AM   #26
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I feel it's OK to multi-date early on. However, it shouldn't take you beyond 2-3 dates to figure things out. If you are multi-dating guys 5+ dates in, then I think something needs to be examined further in-depth there.

I multi-dated back in July but chose one after the other girl two dates in I just knew there was no spark there.
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Old 24th August 2017, 1:44 AM   #27
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The sad part for me is usually I am all in after date 1..lol..maybe even on date 1 if it's online and all checks out..
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Old 24th August 2017, 6:38 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Try focusing on 1 date at a time.


I tried not to even let my brain, let alone my heart, care until at least one month in.


You take baby steps. After the 1st date you can look ahead to the 2nd date but not beyond. After the 1st week you can look to the 2nd month. Around Thanksgiving, assuming you have been on at least 2-3 dates you can start wondering / dreaming if you will have a date for New Years Eve but that is my sole exception to the don't look too far ahead rule.


when you feel yourself slipping & getting what you call tunnel vision remind yourself "Whoops, not time yet" and redirect your brain. Force yourself to talk to a different person.
A friend of mine told me this exactly! It still takes some mental gymnastics to not fantasize, wonder, hope, which whether you're multi-dating or not, it's a good skill to learn. Don't let your thoughts wander beyond a second date and then a third. After one or two months, you can start thinking ahead one or two months. Turn off thoughts as much as possible about the white picket fence or anything too far off in the future. Expand as your relationship expands.
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Old 24th August 2017, 6:57 AM   #29
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I don't think multi dating is going to help you Dis.
You are doing it, and you are already writing your Disney movie with a guy you haven't even met.

I think rather than more guys, you need to focus on other things in your life, so that you see dating as just one part of your life and not this all consuming obsession that can't live up to your fantasy!
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Old 24th August 2017, 9:23 AM   #30
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I would rather think too rosey thoughts about one guy than be near apathetic about 3 guys.

Last edited by Popsicle; 24th August 2017 at 9:25 AM..
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