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Any Multidating Tips???


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Old 23rd August 2017, 5:42 PM   #1
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Any Multidating Tips???

Hi guys!

So after 5 months of being off OLD and swearing on all that is holy I'd never use OLD again... I'm back on!

I've always been a serial monogamist even in the very early stages of dating. Once I get to chatting with someone, my mind hyperfocuses on that one person and I cant seem to look elsewhere. Yes, its great to focus on one person at a time and give that person a chance. But on the other side of the coin, I've had a lot of problems with worrying, obsessing and creating fanatsies because I focused TOO much on that one person

I've come to the conclusion that because I'm such a severe overthinker I need to multidate! I feel like it will alleviate some of that pressure and stress.

Dilemma, I dont know how to not get carried away (in my mind) with one person. I need to learn how to branch out, be more realistic and focus on a few guys at a time. Its like I become too attached right off the bat and have no interest in thinking about anyone. As you can imagine, that thought process creates a lot of problems when things go south and all my hopes fall to the wayside

I'm currently talking to a few guys so I need to get this sorted out

Any tips would be greatly appreciated! Thanks guys!
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:28 PM   #2
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I'm already starting to get tunnel vision on one of them
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:33 PM   #3
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Are you sure you want to multidate Dis?

Maybe just try to not give your prospects more than 2 dates and meet asap . That way you can screen many without multi dating, like 2 per week.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:34 PM   #4
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Try focusing on 1 date at a time.


I tried not to even let my brain, let alone my heart, care until at least one month in.


You take baby steps. After the 1st date you can look ahead to the 2nd date but not beyond. After the 1st week you can look to the 2nd month. Around Thanksgiving, assuming you have been on at least 2-3 dates you can start wondering / dreaming if you will have a date for New Years Eve but that is my sole exception to the don't look too far ahead rule.


when you feel yourself slipping & getting what you call tunnel vision remind yourself "Whoops, not time yet" and redirect your brain. Force yourself to talk to a different person.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:42 PM   #5
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How long do you plan to multi-date with a guy? Of course, until you're sure, but do you have a rough idea? A week, two weeks? The longer you see two guys simultaneously, the worse you might feel. You definitely don't want to find yourself in some sitcom situation where you are in a restaurant with one guy and the other is there. Keep in mind that these guys might be multi-dating too.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 6:57 PM   #6
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I don't see any reason for you to do this if it's not who you are. Just my opinion!
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Old 23rd August 2017, 7:14 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Usename12 View Post
How long do you plan to multi-date with a guy? Of course, until you're sure, but do you have a rough idea? A week, two weeks? The longer you see two guys simultaneously, the worse you might feel. You definitely don't want to find yourself in some sitcom situation where you are in a restaurant with one guy and the other is there. Keep in mind that these guys might be multi-dating too.
The bold, see thats why I think it would be a good idea to multidate because they could be doing the same. Weighing their options. I dont want to put all my eggs in one basket when the guy is shopping around

I dont have a definitive length of time but I think when I really start to feel something and have made a good judgment call...I'll know. I wouldnt do it for too long
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Old 23rd August 2017, 7:16 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
I don't see any reason for you to do this if it's not who you are. Just my opinion!
Girl, you could be correct lol because I havent gotten back to the other guys because I'm so focused on this one in particular

Ugh! I hate it!

Help me get unfocused!

Dating one guy at a time had never worked for me in the past. Every guy I did that with turned out to be a disappointment. I need to change things up
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Old 23rd August 2017, 7:23 PM   #9
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
I don't see any reason for you to do this if it's not who you are. Just my opinion!
Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

-Phone buzzes-

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. "

-Runs to check phone-

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/
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Old 23rd August 2017, 7:24 PM   #10
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So pick a # in your head, for me it was 3 strikes & you're out. Go on 3 dates with a guy & at that point decide if you want to continue or be done. Sometimes you will know sooner. Be decisive.


When I met my husband I was juggling 3 guys. I went on a 1st date with all of them. One was an automatic no after that. I really liked my husband but his behavior befuddled me -- no kiss good night. The 3rd guy was the most outgoing. He & my husband got a second date. The 3rd guy & I crossed wires on the 2nd date; he had picked a chain restaurant but we each went to a different location. It was a lunch date so there was no time for one to drive to the other. Then he left for a business trip. We talked once while he was away but by the time he got back, I'd already had 4 dates with my husband & was hooked.


You just need to test the waters but know yourself & be able to make a decision.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 7:40 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Try focusing on 1 date at a time.


I tried not to even let my brain, let alone my heart, care until at least one month in.


You take baby steps. After the 1st date you can look ahead to the 2nd date but not beyond. After the 1st week you can look to the 2nd month. Around Thanksgiving, assuming you have been on at least 2-3 dates you can start wondering / dreaming if you will have a date for New Years Eve but that is my sole exception to the don't look too far ahead rule.


when you feel yourself slipping & getting what you call tunnel vision remind yourself "Whoops, not time yet" and redirect your brain. Force yourself to talk to a different person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
So pick a # in your head, for me it was 3 strikes & you're out. Go on 3 dates with a guy & at that point decide if you want to continue or be done. Sometimes you will know sooner. Be decisive.


When I met my husband I was juggling 3 guys. I went on a 1st date with all of them. One was an automatic no after that. I really liked my husband but his behavior befuddled me -- no kiss good night. The 3rd guy was the most outgoing. He & my husband got a second date. The 3rd guy & I crossed wires on the 2nd date; he had picked a chain restaurant but we each went to a different location. It was a lunch date so there was no time for one to drive to the other. Then he left for a business trip. We talked once while he was away but by the time he got back, I'd already had 4 dates with my husband & was hooked.


You just need to test the waters but know yourself & be able to make a decision.
This is all stellar advice D0nnivain!

I'm going to refer back to it for sure to keep myself in check

I usually have no problem knowing when to move forward and when to call it quits. Its like building things up in my mind that I have a problem with. Like creating a whole fairy tale out of nothing. Thats why I zoom in on one guy because I cant do 2 fairy tales at a time

I'm already not responding to the other two. Just zooming in on the other one. I hate being like this though because I dont know that the one I'm focusing on is the best match for me. Its just our convos are kind of deep (that always gets me) and the other two are more surfacey. One of them works 3rd shift so I'm already thinking that wouldnt work

Too much thinking!
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Old 23rd August 2017, 7:50 PM   #12
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Cookies you describe my experience to the T

No way I can multi-date, and I based on observations of previous threads, exactly the same holds for Dis.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

-Phone buzzes-

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. "

-Runs to check phone-

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/
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Old 23rd August 2017, 8:10 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Cookiesandough View Post
Yep. Every attempt at this for me goes like this:

-On date with guy I'm barely into but I'm forcing myself to multi -date-

Man, I wish I was with bae right now. He's so perfect. I wonder what he's doing . Better not be on a date.

-Phone buzzes-

'Ohhhh!!! Is that him!! Ugh I can't check 'til this guy goes to the bathroom

"Oh yeah, totally. That's awesome. Excuse me, I need to go to the restroom real quick. "

-Runs to check phone-

Damn, just the other guy im multi-dating :/
This was NEVER my experience when multi-dating. I was like d0nnivain; three dates was all it took. If I wasn't feeling sufficiently invested after three dates, it was over. I never once juggled phone numbers or wanted to be with someone else; I just made sure I stayed open to other guys for at least the first three dates. Yeah, sometimes I went on a first date with a new guy and a second date with another guy in the same week or so, but that was it. I never had any kind of sexual contact while multi-dating. It was just getting to know people simultaneously.

The first three months are essentially an audition period. Many seemingly promising relationships break up right around the. After the first few times it happened to me I stopped getting too invested early on. Look, the first few months will always be a cloud of adrenaline, dopamine and pheremones. See how well you enjoy and play off of each other. If these first few months are seamless and exciting as they ought to be, then you have a spark. The next step is to nurture that spark through meeting friends, family, and so on.You don't have any idea about your long-term compatibility until the first time you want to throttle each other at a Home Depot. Once you have seen the worst, ugliest, most awful sides of someone---which takes like a year or more---then you can start thinking about how the very long term will play out.

Does that sound like a lot of work? It is. The next time you tempted to fall for a stranger, instead of skipping right to happily ever after, think "I'll let him prove that he's worth it".
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Old 23rd August 2017, 8:15 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by lana-banana View Post
This was NEVER my experience when multi-dating. I was like d0nnivain; three dates was all it took. If I wasn't feeling sufficiently invested after three dates, it was over. I never once juggled phone numbers or wanted to be with someone else; I just made sure I stayed open to other guys for at least the first three dates. Yeah, sometimes I went on a first date with a new guy and a second date with another guy in the same week or so, but that was it. I never had any kind of sexual contact while multi-dating. It was just getting to know people simultaneously.

The first three months are essentially an audition period. Many seemingly promising relationships break up right around the. After the first few times it happened to me I stopped getting too invested early on. Look, the first few months will always be a cloud of adrenaline, dopamine and pheremones. See how well you enjoy and play off of each other. If these first few months are seamless and exciting as they ought to be, then you have a spark. The next step is to nurture that spark through meeting friends, family, and so on.You don't have any idea about your long-term compatibility until the first time you want to throttle each other at a Home Depot. Once you have seen the worst, ugliest, most awful sides of someone---which takes like a year or more---then you can start thinking about how the very long term will play out.

Does that sound like a lot of work? It is. The next time you tempted to fall for a stranger, instead of skipping right to happily ever after, think "I'll let him prove that he's worth it".
These are just coffee/dinner meets im talking . But when youre multi dating don't you kind of have to"Juggle guys"? Because you don't know which when you're going to wind up with. Once you start feeling one(let's say it's been 3 dates) the idea of multi dating is to keep seeing other people even though you are feeling that one specific guy so you "don't get too attached" or so you have back up in case it falls through. Unless I am misunderstanding?I guess I'm just wired to where I can't concentrate my feelings on more than one guy. So once I like him, it's useless to go out for coffee with another one.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 23rd August 2017 at 8:18 PM..
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Old 23rd August 2017, 8:27 PM   #15
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These are just coffee/dinner meets im talking . But when youre multi dating don't you kind of have to"Juggle guys"? Because you don't know which when you're going to wind up with. Once you start feeling one(let's say it's been 3 dates) the idea of multi dating is to keep seeing other people even though you are feeling that one specific guy so you "don't get too attached" or so you have back up in case it falls through. Unless I am misunderstanding?I guess I'm just wired to where I can't concentrate my feelings on more than one guy. So once I like him, it's useless to go out for coffee with another one.
I don't understand this. The point of dating is to find someone you like well enough to keep seeing. You don't go on dates with people as "back up"; that's ghastly. If you don't like someone that much, you stop seeing them. This entire thing about dating other people just to stop obsessing over someone else seems misguided. Yeah, it might be helpful to stay aware of other options, but if someone is getting full-blown obsessive after two or three meetings they need to work on themselves psychologically, not pursue more distractions.

When I met a guy I liked enough to turn off my account or whatever, we would make it exclusive after 3 dates. The end.
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