Jump to content

Amazing new guy but I felt nothing! Help!


amkxoxo

Recommended Posts

So I don't know if I am twisted in the head or what. I went out with the other guy last night. And he's amazing. He remembers everything I told him. He's engaged. He says nice things. He encourages me to be family oriented with my family. Before our date he was already talking about seeing me again next week. And during our date, he was already saying "Oh I can take you here" and "we can do this" and "go to this place together."

 

Its all well and good, but for whatever reason, I felt nothing. I was going on this first date to see how it went, meet him, and see if there was anything there for me. I felt like he was going on our first date already liking me a lot and seeing a future with me. I think a little part of this turned me off. My mother insists that he likes me, and I am not used to someone wanting to dote on me and be involved in my life, what a real man should be doing.

 

I guess maybe she is right. I just felt like we should have been casing each other out, but he was already into me the moment he saw me. I felt like he didn't know me yet.

 

I feel so bad, because he's a dream guy. He's so nice, attentive. When the check came, I asked to split and he literally said "I would never let you pay for anything ever."

 

But also his personality I couldn't gauge and I don't know if I could deal with long term. He is nice, and he says nice things, but his body language sort of turned me off. He leaned in to me and was into me, but he seemed to have like severe ADD or ADHD, and possibly a small speech impediment. It wasn't bad, but I noticed it, like a small lisp maybe or a tiny bit of slurred speech. And then he seemed to struggle focusing. Not on me, but in general. He would literally change the subject so randomly. Then he told me he does that a lot. I don't know if I can handle dating that. I mean we never ran out of stuff to talk about I guess.

 

And then something about his eyes sort of creeped me out. He had slight sunken in eyes. Now don't get me wrong, he was cute. Tall, buff, dressed well, and his eyes weren't weird, but different. Like where my eyes are round and my colored part if directly in the middle, his was round too, but the colored part was half into his eye ball so its like a half circle. And when he looked at me a certain way, it was almost like he was looking at a piece of meat...ME. I just didn't know if I liked it.

 

He's also not educated. Not that he isn't smart, but I'm highly college educated, going for a Master's degree, and I feel like I always just wanted to meet someone that is on my level. I asked him and he said he went to some community college, but never finished.

 

I don't know if I want to see him again. He's so sweet and he is already sending me pictures from his vacation. He has so many qualities that I look for in a real man, but I don't know if I see myself with him long term. I didn't have the urge to want to kiss him or the strong attraction wasn't there. I've gone out with other guys and I feel a spark, and there's chemistry and I want to be close to them. My mother reminds me how all those other guys turned out. I feel like he already likes me so much and wants to do all these things with me, that I will break his heart if I don't want to see him again.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Attraction is a tricky thing. It can build over time for sure but in some cases it's either there or not. In this case considering your situation you may be acting out of self defense so to speak. You lost out on a guy you wanted badly and this new guy comes along and makes it way too easy. You may be reacting a bit repelled as a result, subconsciously looking for flaws throughout the first date. I would give him a second chance but make the date a fun activity. Maybe your attraction will grow in such a setting. As for hurting his feelings if it doesn't work, he's a big boy he can handle it if date two doesn't inspire a third meeting. But I encourage you to give him a chance to grow on you. So many strong couples began on a lukewarm first date.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So I don't know if its my repulsion or just this guy. He's just way too nice and i am unsure if I like him still, but he seems to just like me more and more. And I am just so confused about how I feel and I feel trapped because he's so open about his feelings.

 

He's been sending me text messages and pictures all while he is on vacation. Saying things like "wish you were here" and "can't wait to see you when I'm home"

 

Its nice, but a little too much. We've been on one date.

 

So then last night he wants to talk on the phone, so we do. Its a nice conversation. He texts me his family gave him the third degree when he walked inside about who he was talking to.

 

We talk again tonight. He's being so nice to me and he's so into me and its sort of too much. We hang up and text for a while. He tells me his older sister is asking about me and what I'm like and what I do for work etc...

 

He tells me that I will love them and how maybe I will get to meet them soon since his birthday is in a few weeks and his parents will probably throw a party.

 

I'm taken back. We've been on one date and he's already talking about his family meeting me. I don't know how I feel about that. Its too soon. And I feel bad, because I don't want to deny him if he wants me around for his birthday.

 

He then tells me not to be nervous because I'm awesome and smart and his family will like me.

 

Again, I feel so unsure about this. I thank him politely. I don't know what to do or say or anything.

 

Maybe I am just not used to someone liking me and pursuing me, but I feel like this is just so fast. He doesn't even know me, know me. He says he likes talking to me because I get him and he likes that we have a decent amount in common. Thats nice and all. I would like to go out again, just to see where this might be headed, and to see if I definitely like him or not. I just feel like he already likes me so much and I feel so much pressure now.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You do not owe him anything.

 

You don't owe him to attend his birthday, or meeting his parents, EVEN if he is a nice man with you.

 

No one can force you to do something you don't want to.

 

Tell him: Joe, we had a nice first date, I am looking forward to the next one but for now I would like we stay in the moment and only go from date to date and not initiate talks about meeting family and attending birthdays.

 

If you feel he calls you too much just don't pick up. If he text you too much just don't reply.

  • Like 7
Link to post
Share on other sites

He didn't bring the pain that you associate with love. That's all.

 

Esther Perel talks about this phenomenon. Look up her videos on yt.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cookiesandough

Before the Nice Guy brigade storms in, I just want to say, it's not that this guy is nice. It's that you are not that attracted to him. So that he keeps getting more keen on you is making it worse. You're running away.

And you should be be because you two are on two separate pages. Either break it off or tell him you're not sure about things yet and want to them take it slow (so he can make a conscious decision to be strung along) I strongly recommend the former.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites
SwordofFlame
Before the Nice Guy brigade storms in, I just want to say, it's not that this guy is nice. It's that you are not that attracted to him. So that he keeps getting more keen on you is making it worse. You're running away.

And you should be be because you two are on two separate pages. Either break it off or tell him you're not sure about things yet and want to them take it slow (so he can make a conscious decision to be strung along) I strongly recommend the former.

 

Have to agree. Why do some women feel like there's an obligation to like the man if he's nice and treating her well? Is it really THAT hard to find a man that is both attractive and nice? Being nice isn't some rare characteristic in men.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites

He's a dream guy, but not your dream guy. There's a big difference. If there is no chemistry/attraction then they are not for you. I'm sure he will meet someone that is just as excited to be with him has he is with her.

 

But I do agree with the other poster, he's way too clingy/ moving way too fast. It would make my stomach churn for sure. Everyone likes a little challenge/mystery.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's normal you feel turned off.

When someone moves too fast, it seems desperate.

After one date, how can someone even know he/she likes you that much?

You feel like you could be anyone filling a position.

 

Either move on (if you're past the point of giving this another chance) or let him know that you're feeling overwhelmed with the future talk and want to take it slow while you get to know each other better.

Link to post
Share on other sites

You are not suppose to know if you have feelings after ONE date. Do not look for chemistry and sparks, look for compatibility. Attraction and chemistry can build over a few more dates.

 

Yes this guy is pretty motivated but maybe it's out of inexperience. He is afraid of losing your attention while he's gone on vacations that's why he's sending all those messages and pictures.

 

About you cut him a break and give him 2-3 more dates. And I strongly suggest you tell him in a nice way he's rushing too much, you want him to slow down and to just think of the next date and nothing else.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes he's moving crazily fast. I would probably see this as a red flag and run. You're practically strangers still. If it were the attraction thing alone, I would say give it a few more dates. You need to set boundaries and don't just go along with it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

It sounds like he really likes you and so he is unconsciously including you in his future. I can understand that that seems to fast for you. You have had one date. You do not have to reciprocate such feelings. Dates are for getting to know each other.

 

You seemed a little repelled in some ways which suggests you were not feeling chemistry or physical attraction. He might well be a lovely personality but ideally we want a mixture of physical and emotional attraction.

 

I understand exactly what you are saying because I am in a similar situation and wondering what on earth to do. At heart I know that I feel like this because I still feel 'attached' to someone else. I have felt an amazing connection with this someone else and nothing comes close to it. However, that didn't develop so I am trying to move on. Maybe you are in a similar situation, still 'stuck' as it were on someone else.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it's worth a second date. First dates can be awkward. His behavior was a bit overkill on his his attraction, but it's also something you're not used to, and let's keep in mind, he was nervous, and sometimes nervousness can cause some actions and behaviors that are a little off the grid. Another date might be more relaxed. After a second date, maybe a third, you should know.

 

I dated someone who had a physical trait I could not get over. I just couldn't. His personality was also something a bit sketchy, but I didn't think I could really judge on one meeting. After three dates, it just wasn't going to work. The physical trait was enough...couldn't do it, but his personality blended with the bad vibes of the physical trait and without the physical trait, I do not want to be with a man like that anyway. I saw warning signs. So I ended it.

 

It's hard to break from what is comfortable and the norm for you. You're not used to be treated a certain way and it's foreign and actually feels wrong. His behavior may not even be "too much," but normal...and you're not used to normal. It's really hard to say on a forum, but IMO, a second date might be worth a try.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I suppose you met him online?

 

Yeah no, you can't deem someone "dreamy" until you meet him face to face in person. (Not a damn FaceTime call)

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Is it really THAT hard to find a man that is both attractive and nice?

Yes!!!

 

 

Being nice isn't some rare characteristic in men.

Yes it is. He may be nice but not attractive. Or he may be attractive but not nice. And sadly, you see quite a bit of both unattractive and not nice.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I'm going to go out with him again and see how things go. He has been wanting to talk to me on the phone almost every night this week. So we talked Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which is crazy. I'm not used to that. And he was on vacation with his family.

 

We text periodically throughout the day, but not excessively. He asks about me, my life, details, and I'm just not used to that. He sent me pictures and commentary of all the stuff he and his family were doing this week. They were apparently questioning him all about me and he was telling them. He told me they would love me, because I'm smart, awesome, and beautiful. He called me those things quite a bit. He's encouraging and motivating, which is great. We both want to get in shape, so he has been running and I hitting the gym.

 

He has already been planning another date for us for when he comes home, which is definitely not new to me. In my past, I was never ever a priority.

 

Its a bit clingy to me still, but it isn't bad. Last night he asked me what type of flowers I liked for future reference. Thats so nice.

 

I still don't know how I feel, but I enjoy being treated nicely, and cared about. Its different for me. For someone to take an interest in my life.

 

The future talk freaks me out still, but my mother assures me he isn't actually making future plans to do stuff with me, just merely saying how it would be fun. We texted a bit last night. He mentioned how he could tell I was a bit protective of myself. I felt bad, because the last guy I was seeing said the same thing. And he ended up ghosting me. But this guy assured me that he can tell I want to go slow and that its totally fine. He then told me how he tried to include me in his vacation with texts and pictures so I felt more comfortable sharing my life with him. I thought that was really nice.

 

I guess time will tell. I'm hoping the clinginess doesn't get too excessive. I don't like it when we are talking and he says "Oh well I could take you here" and " we have to do this or that"

 

Its just a bit much after only one date.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I'm going to go out with him again and see how things go. He has been wanting to talk to me on the phone almost every night this week. So we talked Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, which is crazy. I'm not used to that. And he was on vacation with his family.

 

We text periodically throughout the day, but not excessively. He asks about me, my life, details, and I'm just not used to that. He sent me pictures and commentary of all the stuff he and his family were doing this week. They were apparently questioning him all about me and he was telling them. He told me they would love me, because I'm smart, awesome, and beautiful. He called me those things quite a bit. He's encouraging and motivating, which is great. We both want to get in shape, so he has been running and I hitting the gym.

 

He has already been planning another date for us for when he comes home, which is definitely not new to me. In my past, I was never ever a priority.

 

Its a bit clingy to me still, but it isn't bad. Last night he asked me what type of flowers I liked for future reference. Thats so nice.

 

I still don't know how I feel, but I enjoy being treated nicely, and cared about. Its different for me. For someone to take an interest in my life.

 

The future talk freaks me out still, but my mother assures me he isn't actually making future plans to do stuff with me, just merely saying how it would be fun. We texted a bit last night. He mentioned how he could tell I was a bit protective of myself. I felt bad, because the last guy I was seeing said the same thing. And he ended up ghosting me. But this guy assured me that he can tell I want to go slow and that its totally fine. He then told me how he tried to include me in his vacation with texts and pictures so I felt more comfortable sharing my life with him. I thought that was really nice.

 

I guess time will tell. I'm hoping the clinginess doesn't get too excessive. I don't like it when we are talking and he says "Oh well I could take you here" and " we have to do this or that"

 

Its just a bit much after only one date.

 

This guy is enthusiastic. He probably does not have a lot of experience dating that's why he's a bit all over the map but his heart seems in the right place.

 

Like I said if talking on the phone each night is too much just slow him down in a nice way!! When you hang up on Monday tell him you'll be talking on Wednesday (skip a day). When he text too much during the day tell him I got to go enjoy your day and text you tomorrow that way he won't text the rest of the day. There is a kind way of letting people know when it's too much. You're a smart woman you can do that.

 

Here's a man that gives you respect and attention. He's the one you should give a couple of dates to, not all those other flakes you hang on to.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

This thread is so interesting to me. I'm a nice guy and there are times when that works against me so often, I've found myself artificially restraining my nice instincts to keep the woman from feeling like I'm more invested than she is.

 

My advice is recognize that he could find someone else tomorrow and that, in all likelihood, you aren't out of his league. Then focus on your compatibility rather than how clingy or nice he is.

 

Still, I don't hold out much hope...it just seems that once a woman deems you nice but unattractive, you either have to cut bait or use unethical dating tactics to overcome it.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

I think I am quite terrified. I enjoy talking to him. I have been more verbal the last couple of days about how I like hearing from him and I have been more enthusiastic towards him. I think slowly but surely I am opening up to him to see me more clearly. But when I let my guard down and when I start letting guys in and I start showing my interest back, seems to be the time that they take off and I don't see them again. I'm starting to get a bit scared now and I wish I wasn't.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Don't take your guards down after ONE date. Be nice, be kind and open, but don't start thinking this may be it, it's too soon, this guy needs to show you he means business by dating you properly.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Then focus on your compatibility rather than how clingy or nice he is.

 

 

Not sure how many people (men and women) can be compatible with a stage 5 clinger. They have been on ONE date, and this guy is bombarding the OP will constant messages and pictures, and wanting to talk on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY while he's on vacation. This guy doesn't seem to respect the space of others.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Not sure how many people (men and women) can be compatible with a stage 5 clinger. They have been on ONE date, and this guy is bombarding the OP will constant messages and pictures, and wanting to talk on the phone EVERY SINGLE DAY while he's on vacation. This guy doesn't seem to respect the space of others.

 

We all need a different type of space. Some like communication every day, some prefer every odd days and even less. OP needs to define what she wants. If every day is too much for her then she needs to express that.

 

At least this guy is interested in getting to know her unlike all the dudes in her other threads. I feel he just needs some guidance. He's probably not experienced with dating.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...