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What is meant by "gentleman" and "chivalrous" in women's OLD profiles?


SevenCity

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I've found quite a few female profiles stating they are looking for a "gentleman" or someone who is "chivalrous".

 

At quick glance this may seem like they want a guy to open doors for them and not be a jerk, but upon further reflection it appears to be code for "sugar daddy / meal ticket".

 

I drew this conclusion after dating a couple girls who used the phrase "I'm not a gentleman" or "I thought you were chivalrous" when I voiced my issues with the lack of them ever paying for anything. For reference, I always opened doors for them :D

 

Am I correct in assuming this is what women mean when they use those words in an online profile?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I've found quite a few female profiles stating they are looking for a "gentleman" or someone who is "chivalrous".

 

At quick glance this may seem like they want a guy to open doors for them and not be a jerk, but upon further reflection it appears to be code for "sugar daddy / meal ticket".

 

I drew this conclusion after dating a couple girls who used the phrase "I'm not a gentleman" or "I thought you were chivalrous" when I voiced my issues with the lack of them ever paying for anything. For reference, I always opened doors for them :D

 

Am I correct in assuming this is what women mean when they use those words in an online profile?

 

What do you mean by "ever" paying for anything? How long were you in a relationship with these women?

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I've found quite a few female profiles stating they are looking for a "gentleman" or someone who is "chivalrous".

 

At quick glance this may seem like they want a guy to open doors for them and not be a jerk, but upon further reflection it appears to be code for "sugar daddy / meal ticket".

 

I drew this conclusion after dating a couple girls who used the phrase "I'm not a gentleman" or "I thought you were chivalrous" when I voiced my issues with the lack of them ever paying for anything. For reference, I always opened doors for them :D

 

Am I correct in assuming this is what women mean when they use those words in an online profile?

 

Nice guys, with manners..

Who rides a white horse and protects them with respect.

You don't seem the type to do that, why do you bother with these sort of women. Sugar daddy is completely different are you dating these sort of women? They are the ones that won't cook you a nice meal they want to go out always and you spend all your money on them. What do you get in return nothing just their company when they eat like pigs and you pay the huge bill.

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In OLD terms, they are looking for somebody to pay for dates without expecting them to put out.

 

I was born and raised in "The South". Southern United States. The Southern Gentleman is not just a cliche here. At least among men in my generation. We open doors for people. Say "yes ma'am" and "yes sir". Stand when there is no seat for a woman. That's just what we do. That's how we were raised. It's redundant to ask for a gentleman here because opening doors is not an issue. Unless she really means something else.

 

It's a feminist's attempt to renege on their purported desire for equality.

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Cookiesandough

to me it sounds like men who subscribe to traditional gender roles....like opening doors, pulling out chairs, ...paying for the date...

 

 

they could just mean "polite and nice" too.

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SunnyWeather
to me it sounds like men who subscribe to traditional gender roles....like opening doors, pulling out chairs, ...paying for the date...

 

 

they could just mean "polite and nice" too.

 

It's subjective. These terms used to mean what you suggested, and then some. But, it might mean something else to someone else. That's why I suggest OP ask her up front so everyone's clear and not surprised if it really is meant to be code for an arrangement.

Edited by SunnyWeather
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It's a feminist's attempt to renege on their purported desire for equality.

 

As a crusty old feminist, I disagree. This is the hallmark of a woman who wants the spoils of what feminists have achieved for women without accepting the equality part. My feminist daughter very much pays her own way - it's all about fairness.

 

To me, chivalry is helping or caring for another person in need. It could be helping an old person cross the road. Offering your seat for someone who is less mobile. It's stopping at a broken down car to make sure they are OK. Helping someone who's fallen over. Having a disabled son, I witness chivalry/absense of chivalry on a daily basis.

 

It seems that when it comes to paying, some women have changed the meaning of the word 'chivalry' to meet their own ends. To have their cake and eat it too.

 

Anyway, if a woman says you you that she thought you were a gentleman, respond with "And I thought you were a lady"

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thefooloftheyear
In OLD terms, they are looking for somebody to pay for dates without expecting them to put out.

 

I was born and raised in "The South". Southern United States. The Southern Gentleman is not just a cliche here. At least among men in my generation. We open doors for people. Say "yes ma'am" and "yes sir". Stand when there is no seat for a woman. That's just what we do. That's how we were raised. It's redundant to ask for a gentleman here because opening doors is not an issue. Unless she really means something else.

 

It's a feminist's attempt to renege on their purported desire for equality.

 

 

The Northern version is just don't be a dick.....:laugh:

 

TFY

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I think it could go either way

 

A lot of women on OLD are tired of guys being sleezy and just wanting sex. They want a guy who treats them respectfully and does the cute little things like opening doors, walking her to her car etc

 

But I can see, for some women how that might be code for, "You'll be picking up the check."

 

Maybe the rest of their profiles could give you some context

 

Honestly though, OLD is so bad I dont blame women for saying they want a gentleman. I've never used the terms you're referring to but I always mention I'm looking for a guy who isnt a douche (in a very positive, well spoken manner :laugh:)

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As a woman upon reading your post SevenCity I understood the phrases to mean -- willing to wait for sex. Absent your experience I didn't see money as a factor at all, but I suppose it fits.

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Where I live it's pretty rare for even a date to hold a door open so it's nice when it happens to experience that.

 

It's uncommon for a man to pay for a date. In fact, it's never happened to me.

The only time it came near was my birthday when we'd been dating for about 6 months but the guy complained so much as dinner and drinks was £80 in total that I ended up giving him half the cost in cash for it a few days later.

 

That's what I would mean by saying it.

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At quick glance this may seem like they want a guy to open doors for them and not be a jerk, but upon further reflection it appears to be code for "sugar daddy / meal ticket".

Yes, at first glance it might seem that, until you realise that writing that in a dating profile would be like writing you want someone who breathes oxygen or believes that water is wet. It is just so obvious.

 

Why write something so obvious? Well I would conclude the same as you. They are looking for someone to cater for their every need and pay their way for them. The princess type, probably high maintenance. Likely someone who uses that phrase, their profile has many other red flags too. It would certainly put me off messaging them.

 

I drew this conclusion after dating a couple girls who used the phrase "I'm not a gentleman" or "I thought you were chivalrous" when I voiced my issues with the lack of them ever paying for anything. For reference, I always opened doors for them :D

Well, if you're looking for a confident independent woman I wouldn't voice those issues in future. I would simply move on.

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Where I live it's pretty rare for even a date to hold a door open so it's nice when it happens to experience that.

 

It's uncommon for a man to pay for a date. In fact, it's never happened to me.

The only time it came near was my birthday when we'd been dating for about 6 months but the guy complained so much as dinner and drinks was £80 in total that I ended up giving him half the cost in cash for it a few days later.

 

That's what I would mean by saying it.

 

Wow. That's ... interesting. I couldn't imagine it.

 

Yesterday, I went to an antique store. Held the door open for three couples before going in myself. Each of the women said "thank you". The last guy insisted on holding the door for me. We went back and forth a few times. "No, you go ahead." "No, you go." "No, you go ...." :D

 

The South has its ways, but we are generally polite to each other. We do that for strangers. I couldn't imagine not holding the door for a date.

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I've found quite a few female profiles stating they are looking for a "gentleman" or someone who is "chivalrous".

 

At quick glance this may seem like they want a guy to open doors for them and not be a jerk, but upon further reflection it appears to be code for "sugar daddy / meal ticket".

[/Quote]

 

It definitely takes a different meaning mentioned in a OLD profile. Sugar daddy is yet something different, but yes, it means old fashioned gender roles with all that comes with it. In the context of dating it was always a red flag for me.

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The Northern version is just don't be a dick.....:laugh:

 

TFY

 

My exact answer was going to be "don't be a dickhead"

 

Swear.

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In OLD terms, they are looking for somebody to pay for dates without expecting them to put out.

I was born and raised in "The South". Southern United States. The Southern Gentleman is not just a cliche here. At least among men in my generation. We open doors for people. Say "yes ma'am" and "yes sir". Stand when there is no seat for a woman. That's just what we do. That's how we were raised. It's redundant to ask for a gentleman here because opening doors is not an issue. Unless she really means something else.

 

It's a feminist's attempt to renege on their purported desire for equality.

 

Huh?! Well it's a good thing I didn't put that word in my profile!:D I did state that I like a man who opens doors for me and treats me like a lady. You know, pulling out my chair, the old fashion gentleman stuff. And I DON'T mean the guy should pay for everything. In any case, I'm only suggesting coffee.

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I would guess they want a guy with some class about him.

A guy that is relationship material, a guy who is not into casual sex, nor swears his head off nor acts like a jerk.

A guy who knows how to treat a woman well and with respect.

 

A gentleman…

1 Negotiates airports with ease

2 Never lets a door slam in someone’s face

3 Can train a dog and a rose

4 Is aware that facial hair is temporary, but a tattoo is permanent

5 Knows when not to say anything

6 Wears his learning lightly

7 Possesses at least one well-made dark suit, one tweed suit and a dinner jacket

8 Avoids lilac socks and polishes his shoes

9 Turns his mobile to silent at dinner

10 Carries house guests’ luggage to their rooms

11 Tips staff in a private house and a gamekeeper in the shooting field

12 Says his name when being introduced

13 Breaks a relationship face to face

14 Is unafraid to speak the truth

15 Knows when to clap

16 Arrives at a meeting five minutes before the agreed time

17 Is good with waiters

18 Has two tricks to entertain children

19 Can undo a bra with one hand

20 Sings lustily in church

21 Is not vegetarian

22 Can sail a boat and ride a horse

23 Knows the difference between Glenfiddich and Glenda Jackson

24 Never kisses and tells

25 Cooks an omelette to die for

26 Can prepare a one match bonfire

27 Seeks out his hostess at a party

28 Knows when to use an emoji

29 Would never own a Chihuahua

30 Has read Pride and Prejudice

31 Can tie his own bow tie

32 Would not go to Puerto Rico

33 Knows the difference between a rook and a crow

34 Sandals? No. Never

35 Wears a rose, not a carnation

36 Swats flies and rescues spiders

37 Demonstrates that making love is neither a race nor a competition

38 Never blow dries his hair

39 Knows that there is always an exception to a rule

 

The 39 steps to being a modern gentleman - Country Life

Edited by elaine567
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As a crusty old feminist, I disagree. This is the hallmark of a woman who wants the spoils of what feminists have achieved for women without accepting the equality part. My feminist daughter very much pays her own way - it's all about fairness.

 

It seems that when it comes to paying, some women have changed the meaning of the word 'chivalry' to meet their own ends. To have their cake and eat it too.

 

Anyway, if a woman says you you that she thought you were a gentleman, respond with "And I thought you were a lady"

 

 

This is mostly consistent with my experience –– the inverse of feminist values, a signal that she expects the full princess treatment, to be high on a pedestal by virtue of being female.

 

Exactly what that entails and how far it's carried will vary from one individual to the next, but I think it safe to assume that she expects everything to be taken care of for her. That certainly includes the man pays for everything, and is only too happy to do so... opening doors, pulling out chairs, making plans and decisions, initiating everything, wooing and pursuing, etc. In the larger context I think it means that she should want for nothing and that a man should be responsible for her happiness. It's not unlike the way a doting parent would care for a small, sick child. And it's pure fantasy.

 

This mentality is based on a strong sense of entitlement conforming to traditional gender and class privilege, and the presumption that certain women (upper class, attractive) are inherently desirable and that men should always be working to please and earn her favor. This is still prevalent in the South (US). It has often been a theme in souther literature, Gone with the Wind being the most famous example. It contrasts the privileged Scarlet O'Hara with plain, humble, unassuming Melanie. Scarlet is finally redeemed when she develops true character through extreme hardship, loss of privilege, and facing the challenges of survival.

 

I don't understand how this old paradigm persists in the 21st century, but it does. When I see that stuff in a woman profile it's an instant turn off. I dated a real feminist, and I dated one who expected to reap the benefits of both feminism and upper class, white, female privilege. There is no going back for me. I don't want a militant feminist who always wears it on her sleeve, but sure would appreciate a woman with strong feminist values combined with a humble, unassuming demeanor. I try to signal that by using words like equality and reciprocity, but few seem to actually get it in the online dating world. Maybe I need to be more explicit, but I fear that it will be taken the wrong way.

 

BTW, the term "lady" is no longer appropriate according to my real feminist former girlfriend. I think we should probably add "gentleman" to that.

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The 39 steps to being a modern gentleman - Country Life

In other words, utterly ridiculous and unrealistic expectations which will never be achieved by any real world man. At least not one that she will ever meet in her lifetime.

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Different women may mean different things. Personally, I generally agree with Elaine's post above. I might also use the word "gentleman" to try to weed out the men who think it's appropriate to send me a d*** pic or who want to start talking about sex too soon.

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In other words, utterly ridiculous and unrealistic expectations which will never be achieved by any real world man. At least not one that she will ever meet in her lifetime.

 

Not sure how serious that list was supposed to be, but definitely a few pretty funny ones on there!

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Women putting in their profile they are looking for a gentleman and chivalry most of the time don't even know what that is really. Stay away from them.

 

I also wanted a gentleman in my life but I didn't order it in my profile. I waited to verify it in person. It needs to be something that comes naturally to him otherwise it won't last.

 

A gentleman has kind gestures toward his date and toward everyone around. A man pulling my chair but then being rude to the waitress isn't a gentleman. A man holding the door for me but then letting it shut in front of the person behind me isn't a gentleman.

 

I remember being on a 2nd date, the guy and I walking toward the movie theater when suddenly he said to me 'one moment please' and he ran a few feet away to help someone in crutches. THAT will get to my heart much more than him paying a big restaurant bill.

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GorillaTheater
Not sure how serious that list was supposed to be, but definitely a few pretty funny ones on there!

 

 

I'm still trying to figure out what's wrong with Puerto Rico.

 

 

And I'm not sure I'd read Pride and Prejudice at gunpoint.

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BTW, the term "lady" is no longer appropriate according to my real feminist former girlfriend. I think we should probably add "gentleman" to that.

 

I agree with you as this is only fair.

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