Am I wasting this guys time? Should I end it?

[eez.honey]

This guy and I have had 2 great dates.*

We get along mentally.. like have the same morals, etc.*

He asked to kiss me on the second date but I got nervous/shy and declined.

I already told him I've only had 1 bf in the past and it had traumatized me due to the events but I'm still going for dating. Anyways, he works many days out the week in a very big demanded job over the state. I am working and going to school. We meet on days that work best for us. We both established we dont want a full blown relationship yet. But im not sure if we meant the same thing or not. When I said I don't want a full blown relationship, I meant I want to take it very slow... get to know him, go on dates when we can and take it from there. I cant meet 2-3 times out of the week but when we can I want to get to know him and etc. He said the same I guess? He does it due to work. He says he still wants to see me but he doesnt want to lead me on because hes not looking for anything full on. But then I thought more... does that means hes looking for a sex buddy then? We did meet on Tinder.....

I feel really bad about rejecting the kiss. I'm so shy about that stuff and I felt uncomfortable. I do like the guy. He's smart and I like the way his mind is shaped. He's not ugly but he's not my ideal type either. But he's not that ugly where I wouldn't touch him. We did hug. So idk.. I'm confused. Are we looking for completely different things then?

[normal person]

We both established we dont want a full blown relationship yet.

 

Ok, so you need to establish what you do want. The only way you're going to figure it out is by talking to him about the specifics without being vague or assuming you're both reading between the lines. You both need to be upfront and clear about what you're comfortable with. If you have that discussion and you're both on board with things, cool, go with it. If you have that discussion and you're on different pages, it's probably best not to waste time with each other.

[eez.honey]

Ok, so you need to establish what you do want. The only way you're going to figure it out is by talking to him about the specifics without being vague or assuming you're both reading between the lines. You both need to be upfront and clear about what you're comfortable with. If you have that discussion and you're both on board with things, cool, go with it. If you have that discussion and you're on different pages, it's probably best not to waste time with each other.

 

well yeah. I mean we had a 5 minute discussion about it.

That's all I got from it. I mean I told him what I wanted.

I want to go slow and do things correctly. But I'm also very busy.

I guess I should've told him I'm not interested in getting physical anytime soon though. But he just said what I stated above. He's always really tired and busy so it's been hard to actually really really get to know him. but idk.. we didn't set another time to hang out after the second one since I rejected his kiss. I texted him after telling him it's not bad but I wasn't ready. He said no worries. I haven't heard from him today though.

[Cookiesandough]

I think he's wasting his own time if he continues dating you. He's looking for something more casual. You told him the score. You are still getting over a rship and you're wanting to take things slow. You weren't ready to kiss him yet. That's totally fine. Not everyone is on the 2nd date. But I don't think you two are a match.

[eez.honey]

I think he's wasting his own time if he continues dating you. He's looking for something more casual. You told him the score. You are still getting over a rship and you're wanting to take things slow. You weren't ready to kiss him yet. That's totally fine. Not everyone is on the 2nd date. But I don't think you two are a match.

 

my last relationship was over a year ago. I don't have any connections to the guy what so ever. He asked about my past relationships so thats the only reason I brought it up.

I'm just very cautious now. But I'm asking you guys if he's looking for something casual because I'm not looking for anything casual right now. I want to get to know someone before I start giving my body to someone. I feel like that's what he was vaguely saying.

[Cookiesandough]

I mean, you know better since you were there, but if he said he doesn't want to lead you on and he doesn't want anything "full on" I'm assuming he means he doesn't want a serious relationship, but like female companionship and sex. I don't think he means taking it slow physically especially since he kissed you

Edited August 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[eez.honey]

I mean, you know better since you were there, but if he said he doesn't want to lead you on and he doesn't want anything "full on" I'm assuming he means he doesn't want a serious relationship, but like female companionship and sex. I don't think he means taking it slow physically especially since he kissed you

 

that's all i wanted to know.

so we weren't on the same page.

I was confused because he says he likes me.

He wants temporary pleasure while hes working hard... I want to get to know someone. He didn't express that.. that's why I felt iffy.

He hasn't contacted me today. Or should I send a small text and say I'm not interested anymore sorry.

[d0nnivain]

You are looking for different things.

 

You want an exclusive relationship where you take things slow & don't get physical. You are not even ready to kiss him.

 

Not looking for a relationship for him means he dates you & other women. He may or may not have sex with multiple people.

 

Given what you want, you need to learn how to phrase it better.

 

Do not say you want to "be friends" with a man. That is actually rejecting him romantically. Do not say you don't want a relationship -- that means you are OK with casual, no commitment & that you are multi-dating.

 

What you want is to date (spend time with in a romantic setting where you can talk) to determine if you are compatible over the long term. You want to take things slow physically & you are seeking a full blown commitment with the right person.

 

Many people shy away from that as being too intense. Let them. It just means they are not men you should date. You need to hold out until you find the guy who will celebrate your old fashioned values. He's out there but may be a bit socially awkward & not that easy to find. Keep looking.

[Cookiesandough]

that's all i wanted to know.

so we weren't on the same page.

I was confused because he says he likes me.

He wants temporary pleasure while hes working hard... I want to get to know someone. He didn't express that.. that's why I felt iffy.

He hasn't contacted me today. Or should I send a small text and say I'm not interested anymore sorry.

 

I think the best thing to say. You can say it now or if/when he reaches out to you.

Edited August 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[eez.honey]

You are looking for different things.

 

You want an exclusive relationship where you take things slow & don't get physical. You are not even ready to kiss him.

 

Not looking for a relationship for him means he dates you & other women. He may or may not have sex with multiple people.

 

Given what you want, you need to learn how to phrase it better.

 

Do not say you want to "be friends" with a man. That is actually rejecting him romantically. Do not say you don't want a relationship -- that means you are OK with casual, no commitment & that you are multi-dating.

 

What you want is to date (spend time with in a romantic setting where you can talk) to determine if you are compatible over the long term. You want to take things slow physically & you are seeking a full blown commitment with the right person.

 

Many people shy away from that as being too intense. Let them. It just means they are not men you should date. You need to hold out until you find the guy who will celebrate your old fashioned values. He's out there but may be a bit socially awkward & not that easy to find. Keep looking.

 

 

Yeah, I should've told him more and not vaguely.

I was a bit shy and I told him I dont want anything too fast since I'm going to school and things may change soon. I mean that's how things go these days but I can't do it. I met him on Tinder so I can't expect too much from him in that kind of sense. He was a gentlemen though. He paid for all my meals and met me halfway, etc. I deleted that app because I met two other guys and it seems like they're all looking for temporary "companionship"

[d0nnivain]

I'm not saying he's a louse. I am saying you two may not be compatible.

[eez.honey]

I'm not saying he's a louse. I am saying you two may not be compatible.

 

Not saying he is either. But men in there are looking for something different opposed to me is what I'm saying.

[HarmonyDriven]

.....But men in there are looking for something different opposed to me is what I'm saying.

 

I agree with d0nnivain; and I will add, he might feel rejected over the kiss even if he says no worries. Of course, if you are not ready to kiss someone, don't.

 

I truly believe - Men look for sex and find love; women look for love and find sex......gotta find a happy medium where both parties are equally aligned on the same page. Hard to do. (that's what she said.....reference to TV comedy show, The Office.)

 

The only way you will know if he is looking for something casual, is ask him. If he says yes, then you have your answer and move on.

[Nowty V]

Am I wasting this guys time, should I end it?

 

Yes.

[eez.honey]

I agree with d0nnivain; and I will add, he might feel rejected over the kiss even if he says no worries. Of course, if you are not ready to kiss someone, don't.

 

I truly believe - Men look for sex and find love; women look for love and find sex......gotta find a happy medium where both parties are equally aligned on the same page. Hard to do. (that's what she said.....reference to TV comedy show, The Office.)

 

The only way you will know if he is looking for something casual, is ask him. If he says yes, then you have your answer and move on.

 

Yeah I figured. It's not like I didn't want to kiss him though. I was shy and it was out of the blue. So I was nervous. I do like him, but the more I think about it and like others said, we are looking for different things. He didn't even contact me today either so he ghosted me which I'm a bit sad about that. He's a pretty well communicated guy before all of this too. So I'm a bit surprised. Should I send him a message saying not interested then? Or it's too late and just leave it alone?

[eez.honey]

Am I wasting this guys time, should I end it?

 

Yes.

 

Reasoning why I am?

[HarmonyDriven]

 

Should I send him a message saying not interested then? Or it's too late and just leave it alone?

 

 

If he is truly interested in pursuing something with you, he will contact you. IMO, no point in sending your "not interested" text. Just let it go......

[coolheadal]

This guy and I have had 2 great dates.*

We get along mentally.. like have the same morals, etc.*

He asked to kiss me on the second date but I got nervous/shy and declined.

I already told him I've only had 1 bf in the past and it had traumatized me due to the events but I'm still going for dating. Anyways, he works many days out the week in a very big demanded job over the state. I am working and going to school. We meet on days that work best for us. We both established we dont want a full blown relationship yet. But im not sure if we meant the same thing or not. When I said I don't want a full blown relationship, I meant I want to take it very slow... get to know him, go on dates when we can and take it from there. I cant meet 2-3 times out of the week but when we can I want to get to know him and etc. He said the same I guess? He does it due to work. He says he still wants to see me but he doesnt want to lead me on because hes not looking for anything full on. But then I thought more... does that means hes looking for a sex buddy then? We did meet on Tinder.....

I feel really bad about rejecting the kiss. I'm so shy about that stuff and I felt uncomfortable. I do like the guy. He's smart and I like the way his mind is shaped. He's not ugly but he's not my ideal type either. But he's not that ugly where I wouldn't touch him. We did hug. So idk.. I'm confused. Are we looking for completely different things then?

 

You said it yourself "HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE" So he doesn't turn you on like if he was Mr Wonderful, Mr Stud Muffin, Mr Everything You Ever wanted in Guy" I am sure you don't want to have him as a SEX BUDDY, BOOTY CALL etc.. Tinder is just that stuff of casual dating but you don't like him as a lover just a friend with some extras. This is your call my dear, you have the final say on this. He might now want everything but just what he needs to get from you. Not a relationship just short sex or casual sex. Simple but go find the man of your dreams then and leave this guy in the dust!

[salparadise]

Yeah I figured. It's not like I didn't want to kiss him though. I was shy and it was out of the blue. So I was nervous. I do like him, but the more I think about it and like others said, we are looking for different things. He didn't even contact me today either so he ghosted me which I'm a bit sad about that. He's a pretty well communicated guy before all of this too. So I'm a bit surprised.

 

You shouldn't be surprised. When a woman turns down a kiss after two dates, it doesn't take a genius to figure out what that means. He seems like a savvy guy.

 

Should I send him a message saying not interested then? Or it's too late and just leave it alone?

 

No, just send him a link to this thread so he can see that while you were somewhat ambivalent and regret not kissing him, your fem advisory committee told you it's a non-starter.

 

And what they say about wanting different things is true... you want him to court you without ever touching, and he'd like to get laid eventually. That's unique in human history––never occurred before in three million years.

 

And then there's the most unfortunate bit about him being a Tinder guy –– oh, the horror. Not a real person, zombie-like, and interested in sex... you just can't go any lower than that. So how was it that you found him on Tinder without being on there yourself... did Tinder and Christian mingle get their wires crossed or something?

 

Just send him the link. That would be easier than explaining the extreme complexity. And at the same time, the fems could give him a dressing down for going in for a kiss on the second date and being interested in sex eventually.

 

All the young female folk should come here for their dating/mating advice. It would eliminate the need for condoms and end the spread of stds at the same time. Virtue would rule the world.

Edited August 21, 2017 by salparadise

[fred123]

This is not meant to be harsh OP. Im a guy so here is my view.

You rejected his kiss after second date. Im not gonna ever bother to meet a girl again even if she asks me out for a third date. Il tell you why. If you were into me and i was your type you would have kissed me back. You already said he isnt your normal type. Now if i wanted to date you properly and get to know you why would i settle for being that guy who you are on the fence about knowing the guyyou are into you will kiss! If i accept the third date you probably do the same thing and friendzonr and frutrste me. I want to go out with a girl who is excited and enthusiastic about me. Isnt that fair?

 

Also if i was looking to get to know a girl and you said " i cant see him 2 or 3 times a week" im not going to bother. That basically means you aint that into him. Once a week is rubbish. You would see a guy you really like twice or thrice a week!!

[eez.honey]

This is not meant to be harsh OP. Im a guy so here is my view.

You rejected his kiss after second date. Im not gonna ever bother to meet a girl again even if she asks me out for a third date. Il tell you why. If you were into me and i was your type you would have kissed me back. You already said he isnt your normal type. Now if i wanted to date you properly and get to know you why would i settle for being that guy who you are on the fence about knowing the guyyou are into you will kiss! If i accept the third date you probably do the same thing and friendzonr and frutrste me. I want to go out with a girl who is excited and enthusiastic about me. Isnt that fair?

 

Also if i was looking to get to know a girl and you said " i cant see him 2 or 3 times a week" im not going to bother. That basically means you aint that into him. Once a week is rubbish. You would see a guy you really like twice or thrice a week!!

 

You didn't read what he said correctly. I said these things after he told me, " he does not want to lead me on. He's not looking for a full on relationship. He works 6 days out of the week and he didn't like when the previous girls he dated kept asking him why he didn't call a certain times or if he can meet during certain days because he is busy. I only reiterated it to him and agreed that I wouldn't like meeting up with someone 2-3 times a week if I'm busy either, especially if we met once. He and I only met once a week because both of our schedules were heavy. I did like him and I wanted to go slow. by what he was saying he didn't want what I want.. getting to know someone. Plus on our dates he'd always zone out and worry about work. I'm just bummed he didn't say , it's not going to work out sorry. He seemed savvy but instead he just disappeared which kind of angered me, because he seemed so professional in other stuff.

[fred123]

You didn't read what he said correctly. I said these things after he told me, " he does not want to lead me on. He's not looking for a full on relationship. He works 6 days out of the week and he didn't like when the previous girls he dated kept asking him why he didn't call a certain times or if he can meet during certain days because he is busy. I only reiterated it to him and agreed that I wouldn't like meeting up with someone 2-3 times a week if I'm busy either, especially if we met once. He and I only met once a week because both of our schedules were heavy. I did like him and I wanted to go slow. by what he was saying he didn't want what I want.. getting to know someone. Plus on our dates he'd always zone out and worry about work. I'm just bummed he didn't say , it's not going to work out sorry. He seemed savvy but instead he just disappeared which kind of angered me, because he seemed so professional in other stuff.

 

Whats your definition of slow? Once a week for how long? Texting?

[kendahke]

. I did like him and I wanted to go slow. by what he was saying he didn't want what I want..

 

You've answered your own question.

 

He doesn't want to go at a glacial pace--he's not hung up on a past relationship, which is powerful enough that it directs his current behavior.

 

Now, is this thread more about how you can manipulate him into doing what you want him to do? Is that your real question?

 

Plenty of people have told you that this is incompatibility. Leave him be. You aren't up for the rigors of relationship; from what I can read, the best you can muster is friendship for an indeterminate amount of time. He might not want to invest his time being friendly with someone who doesn't know what she wants and is confused.

 

Fish or cut bait.

[eez.honey]

Whats your definition of slow? Once a week for how long? Texting?

 

Well for meeting online, for me starting slow is meeting when we can. Wether thaa once a week or twice a week depending on our schedules. Once we establish like yeah there's some attraction, I'd want to pick it up. As well as text when we can as well.

 

Only reason I say once a week is because I met a guy once. He wanted to text all day and meeting 2-3 times a week when I barley even knew his last name. I feel like that's excessive.

[coolheadal]

Well for meeting online, for me starting slow is meeting when we can. Wether thaa once a week or twice a week depending on our schedules. Once we establish like yeah there's some attraction, I'd want to pick it up. As well as text when we can as well.

 

Only reason I say once a week is because I met a guy once. He wanted to text all day and meeting 2-3 times a week when I barley even knew his last name. I feel like that's excessive.

 

Text is not a way to get to know a person that is so impersonal at best. You need to talk over the phone. Text only if you have too. Don't do what you did with one guy verses the next guy never works out the same way. Everyone is different except for you.