How to prevent a "break" from becoming a "breakup"

[jdink45]

I'm 29(m), she's 27(f).

 

Please read before judging based on the title.

 

The story goes like this:

 

November 2015 I meet a girl. One month later I get really sick and bedridden for he next 5 months. In the meantime she cheats on me with someone else. As such, we break up.

 

Then December 2016 the girl contacts me on Facebook and says she wants to meet with me. We do, and then eventually get back together. She introduces me even to her parents, etc.

 

However, due to what happened the year before I didn't 100% open my heart to her and express my emotions and came of a bit cold. As such, I catch her this May talking with a different dude on Facebook, basically provoking him sexually and such (nothing actually happened).

 

I basically tell her it's over.

 

She then cries and begs me for forgiveness for several days until I basically decide to give her another chance.

 

Nevertheless, things get even worse after that, as in, I'm even more distrustful and even more cold. She asks me several times what's up and basically explain to her up from it's because of what I saw on Facebook and that if she wants me to be more open again, it's basically on her now to earn my trust back.

 

I repeated that several times but I guess she didn't really knew how to change that. She instead accused me of being cold with her and distant (which was true... but there was a reason for that - and I did explain why).

 

What really got worse after the incident with Facebook is that we basically didn't have any sex anymore, she became very distant physically.

 

While she became distant physically, I did notice that since I became cold emotionally, she did actually become very warm emotionally; which was strange. I actually felt for the first time that she really did have feelings for me.

 

Anyway, the lack of sex created many frustrations and misunderstandings. It lowered my self-esteem and made me believe that it's because I'm not good enough, etc.

 

Note that I did try to discuss this issue several times but no amounts of discussions ever made a difference.

 

Zoom in to what happened now:

 

Last week after she invited me up to her place but then immediately after 5 seconds her falling asleep, I basically decided I'm done.

 

In my frustration and rage I basically sent her a message that I'm done and blocked her. This was late night Tuesday.

 

The next day after work she came up to be crying and begging to take her back. She even wanted to force me to have sex with her to get back together again. I refused the sex but said we'll talk about what's going to happen next and I'm open to fixing this if we can.

 

We then talk on the phone the next few days almost as if nothing happened.

 

We hen meet up Saturday at her place to discuss things.

 

She explains that she believed she needs a break to decide what she wants.

 

She again cries and begs that she definitely does not want to break up. I say that this is basically a breakup, but she cries and begs me to just give her time and not break up myself.

 

Today (Sunday) she calls me first thing in the morning and we basically talk for 3 hours. She didn't seem as convinced as yesterday that this isn't a breakup... I feel that as time goes on and she calms down, the more she considers the genuine breakup.

 

We talked for 3 hours and I think it was great, we talked about our insecurities, apologised for all weird behaviour in the past, etc. - it felt that we should have had this discussion for a long time now.

 

Nevertheless, it feels now that it's her wanting out, even though she cried and begged me several times in the past to forgive her whenever she did anything wrong, and always encouraged me to try again even if there were some problems (when it was her causing the problems).

 

I understand I acted childish last week with the blocking and all that but she wasn't always innocent either (remember cheating + talking with random dude) but I did try to get past those and she always cried to get me back after those. Now after it's me doing some bad stuff she's basically checking out just like that... or is she?

 

Anyway, some advice would be appreciated.

 

PS: I did not beg and cry to change her mind. We just talked about all the things we did wrong in the past and basically told her that I accept and respect her decision. I did definitely not try to whine and cry myself out of this situation. So I guess at least I did that right.

 

So what now?

[preraph]

marriage counseling. Once trust is lost, it is nearly impossible to get back. You are now cold, and women need to like you and how you're acting in order to feel sexy about you. So you're in a Catch 22 and honestly it might be best just to break up and move on free and clear. But if not, marriage counseling to give it one shot.

[Cb1008]

Let her check out if she feels it's best. More hurt will come later if you hold on to something that has ended a few times already.

[jdink45]

I see what you mean. It's just sad to see her giving up so easily after I do one mistake but was all about crying and begging for forgiveness when she did mistakes. It's strange.

[Cookiesandough]

. I don't know why you'd want to be someone constantly cheating knowing if she comes back crying and begging, you'll forgive. That's total disrespect. She cheated on you when you were ill and bedridden. That is horrible,not love. Don't you believe you can do better than that?

[jdink45]

. I don't know why you'd want to be someone constantly cheating knowing if she comes back crying and begging, you'll forgive. That's total disrespect. She cheated on you when you were ill and bedridden. That is horrible,not love. Don't you believe you can do better than that?

 

That's true but then again we knew each other for one month at the time I got sick.

 

I didn't feel she had any obligations towards me. She basically looked for someone else in the meantime, which is not that super weird in that situation. Nevertheless, I quit it back then.

 

The thought of what happened however just never 100% went away after that, once we reconnected. Which is what made me act somewhat cold and distant this time.

[elaine567]

Whatever the "justification" you cannot maintain a relationship by being cold and distant.

YOU set out to punish her for her indiscretions, she stuck in there till she could stand it no longer and now she has broken up with you.

 

Cheating is a big deal, we get it, but few will want to be punished forever because of it.

NO sex, no affection, cold and distant, where did you really think that would get you?

[d0nnivain]

You can't prevent a "break" from becoming a "Break up" because they are not different things. A break is a break up.

 

This woman has cheated on you; she's back to her old ways of enticing men & she's telling you she needs time to figure out what she wants. Confusion is code for there's another guy.

 

I'm not judging you but I am hoping that you wise up. Let her go

[SevenCity]

She's demonstrated her way of dealing with issues in a relationship is to get other c@ck.

 

Even if you do work it out, how long before there is another guy in her?

 

Seriously, you need to revaluate her and realize she is a cheater and always will be. Can you life your life with a girl you can't trust? It's no fun.

 

Find another girl who will stick by you rather than run to another dude. You deserve better, she won't change. Ever.

[CupCakess]

Personally I think your "relationship" to her was rather casual than anything else.

 

The first time, you were together for one month, before you got sick. While what she did can be considered cold, no one would want to deal with that situation after only one month.

 

The second time around was pretty much the same thing: you have only been together a few months and suddenly stop having sex. That isn't supposed to happen. The first 6 months - 1 year is supposed to be filled with sex and fun, usually called the "honeymoon stage".

 

Problem is it seems both of you tried to make something that didn't work to begin with, into a relationship, rather than realising it was over before it began.

 

I'm not saying she is right in doing what she did. But it seems to me as if both of you are treating this situation as if it was a long relationship with in truth is less than 12 months old.

[Cookiesandough]

That's true but then again we knew each other for one month at the time I got sick.

 

I didn't feel she had any obligations towards me. She basically looked for someone else in the meantime, which is not that super weird in that situation. Nevertheless, I quit it back then.

 

The thought of what happened however just never 100% went away after that, once we reconnected. Which is what made me act somewhat cold and distant this time.

 

If she cheated as you said, meaning you guys had any agreement of exclusivity or she led you to believe that and slept with someone else while you were ill, that is absolutely unforgivable imo and you should not have taken her back. She seems to have been half out the door throughout the relationship, but whenever she gets caught, she knows she can pull at your heart strings and you take her back. This behavior will continue if the relationship continues. You need to do better for yourself

Edited August 20, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[Steve51]

To me, a break is a breakup. What is going to be changed by being apart? If one of you is uncertain of your feelings, it is not love. One of the effects of love is to want to spend all of your time together and overlook each other's faults. Everything they say is interesting. That is why couples divorce a few years after they marry. The courtship love that lead them to marriage is gone and your spouse's habits are now annoying and you do not want to be together so much.

 

Some people are afraid of hurting someone so they do it slowly. The first step is a break, then breakup (still the same as a break but with less hope of getting back together) and then the divorce or end of the relationship. Both men and women will chose a break when they are involved with someone else and want to keep their old partner as a security blanket in case it does not work out. Women will often take a break to test the dating waters and if she cannot do better, will go back to you. In short, there is always a reason for a break and it is not love.

[Steve51]

To me, a break is a breakup. What is going to be changed by being apart? If one of you is uncertain of your feelings, it is not love. One of the effects of love is to want to spend all of your time together and overlook each other's faults. Everything they say is interesting. That is why couples divorce a few years after they marry. The courtship love that lead them to marriage is gone and your spouse's habits are now annoying and you do not want to be together so much.

 

Some people are afraid of hurting someone so they do it slowly. The first step is a break, then breakup (still the same as a break but with less hope of getting back together) and then the divorce or end of the relationship. Both men and women will chose a break when they are involved with someone else and want to keep their old partner as a security blanket in case it does not work out. Women will often take a break to test the dating waters and if she cannot do better, will go back to you. In short, there is always a reason for a break and it is not love. Being apart solves nothing.

[kendahke]

Is she also saying she's confused?

 

There is no such thing as a break. You're either together working out your issues and committing to that process or you're not.

 

Nothing that is neglected survives. That's just a fact of life.

 

What is probably going on with her is that there is someone orbiting and she wants to go see what he's about, but she doesn't want to lose you as her fall back, so she wants to put you in animated suspension until she gives that guy a chance. After all, she's already proven to you twice that she can't keep her focus on you nor can she stay in her own lane. She seeks out other guys and she's sloppy about it.

 

I'd go ahead and follow your very first mind back in 2015 and dump her, block her and quit leaving the door open so she can walk in crying and begging.

[Redhead14]

Seriously??? She's a chronic cheater. You broke up with her several times because of it and now SHE wants a break after cheating again (emotionally or otherwise)??!!!!!!!

 

I did not beg and cry -- Well, at least you didn't follow her lead about how to handle break/break ups AND she's had a lot more experience with that with you . . .

 

It is madness to a spectacular degree on your part to be concerned whether this break is going to be a break up by her. She doesn't get a "break". You don't let HER decide what's going to happen with YOUR life. You take control right now and block/delete the living heck out of her. You are being a doormat for a woman who has no respect for you or herself. I have to guess that she is doing this to manipulate you -- in a way gaslighting. That's a wonderful quality in a woman . . . Grow a set and ditch the ""!

Edited August 23, 2017 by Redhead14

[Robratory]

I see what you mean. It's just sad to see her giving up so easily after I do one mistake but was all about crying and begging for forgiveness when she did mistakes. It's strange.

 

Dude, this chick ain't normal. Don't try to figure out crazy. Just walk away.

[Redhead14]

Get focused and logical -- logic will help you balance the emotions you're having that are clearly not in line with the circumstances of this situation.