Jump to content

Mixed Messages? Uncertainty? Overthinking? What does he want?


LadyWriter

Recommended Posts

I’ve been talking to/seeing a guy for close to eight months now. We had chatted for over a year before actually meeting (although I had asked several times). He always claimed to be too busy, and my thought was always “yeah, sure.” I had stopped responding to his messages and that’s when he finally agreed that we should set up a time to meet up. We hit it off even though we were both nervous (he admitted as much) and said he thought I’d written him off. I was on my guard the entire time because I had been told by someone who knows of him, claimed that he was only interested in sex. So every any attempt at a hug or kiss or simple legs touching each other was met with avoidance on my part. The next day I asked him what his intentions were and he said “they’re all good.” We saw each other again that same weekend and then again a couple weeks later.

 

 

 

Not long after that, the topic of relationships surfaced and he told me that he didn’t want the stress of a serious relationship in his life right now. I told him I understood and was disappointed and asked if he would like to be friends and hang out. He agreed that he would but then said, “I don’t think it’s going to work. I want to be more than friends. Eventually.”

 

 

 

Due to my past, I’ve had my guard up the entire time. I would get frustrated and tell him I didn’t think this would work and then a couple days later I would be asking if we could continue to work on getting to know each other. (I know, I know.) This happened a few more times (the back-and-forth as we’ve come to call it) and one night he said he needed a break because it had taken a toll on him and he needed to safeguard himself, as well.

 

 

We saw each other sporadically over the next few months and had not been fully physical. I’ve always listened to the advice of “If he’s not doing x/y/z, he’s just not that into you.” I thought this guy was no different. He’s only really pursued me in the very beginning. I thought that his being busy was just an excuse (as it usually is with most guys). I thought that he just wasn’t interested but would not admit it. He’s a physician in his last year of fellowship and as it turns out, he really is a busy guy. Sometimes working two weeks straight, lots of research, presentations, meetings, etc.

 

 

Fast forward to now…MANY conversations later about this subject…and we are still only “seeing” each other and we have only recently become fully physical. I’ve asked him several times if he wants this to work, still wants to be more than friends, etc. I have been known to be a little dramatic about it, and he’s admitted there are times I’ve pushed him away. BUT he still sticks with me. He says he wants this to work, he wants to find love, that he’s still nervous around me, that he’s not seeing or sleeping with anyone else, that he thinks we have too much potential for him to give up on me. He knows I’ve been afraid of getting hurt right from the start.

 

 

BUT he rarely if ever texts me first (neither one of us likes to talk on the phone so I have no problems there,) doesn’t ask me out on proper dates (only hanging out with dinner and drinks at my place), never compliments me unless I cook, he just doesn’t initiate. He claims he’s never been good at initiating plans and relies on his friends to make plans with him. Who knows. He says he is not ready for a relationship and that he’s not “into it” (us) the way I want him to be. He says he wants to take things slow and not rush into anything. He’s been engaged before but I don’t know the circumstances of why it did not work.

 

 

So what’s the deal here? Is he really not ready for more or does he just not want more with me? Or am I reading too much into everything and just need to trust him?

Edited by LadyWriter
Link to post
Share on other sites

This guy seems to have limited social skills & you have made things fairly easy for him by cooking & then heading to the bedroom.

 

Whatever it is that you want: him to initiate & proper dates, tell him. But be specific. Define what a proper date is. Give him a # of times to call you. Be loving & praise him when he does these things.

 

If you explain what you want & still don't get it, then you have decisions to make. I won't say that I think he used you but I will say that he might not know how to date because he never had somebody who had expectations.

 

When I first started dating my husband, cheap beer & chain restaurants were all he knew. I had to introduce him to my lifestyle & explain how it worked. I've learned what I think is normal, looks extraordinary to other people. Several years ago we took his mom out to eat to a nice place near her. From my perspective the restaurant staff behaved normally -- acquiescing to my desire to sit in a particular dining room, my interactions with the sommelier, the waiter's attention etc. My MIL was in awe & expressed that she'd never been treated so well. I was heartbroken for her because nothing about what was going on was extraordinary. When I asked my husband about it later he explained that it was normal to me & now him but it was extraordinary to most people. DH & I have been married 9 years & my MIL still comments that her son does certain things -- holds open doors; dresses up; travels; initiates conversations, sends me cards, buys me lavish gifts etc. because he'd never done those things before. But they were part of my expectations for a relationship (not the gifts but the gift giving); I communicated them to him & because I was specific he fulfilled them.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Agreed, either he has really poor social skills or he's just not into you. I was wondering while reading your post why you are wasting your time with this guy... Because, it seems to me that he has one foot in, and one foot out. If that's enough for you... continue along. It would not be enough for me.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Well, l never put much stock in the social butterfly types anyway.

He just sounds like the go with the flow type , nothing really wrong with that if he's happy.

But the real thing is the way he said he isn't ready for a relationship right now.

That's pretty well telling you he doesn't want anything serious and l'd say just not feeling the serious stuff tbh.

 

lf your happy with some casual thing then fair enough but l think you'd be lucky to squeeze much more out of it.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites

Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You shouldn't have to instruct a man in how you need to be treated. You are wasting your time and have been for quite some time.

 

If you have this kind of luck with men, this means your picker is off....you are investing in the wrong type of men. And it will continue if you keep this up, hoping and giving them tons of opportunity to redeem or prove themselves.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
Tip: date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. You shouldn't have to instruct a man in how you need to be treated.

 

Some instruction / communication is OK, as long the fundamentals are already in place. The other person has to be putting in effort & genuinely care about you. But then I think it's OK for you to have to teach them your Love Language.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

doctors are different types of humans. They're on another plane. Good luck having a normal relationship with one. THis guy sounds par for the course on being non-traditional and kinda aloof.

 

But ... don't forget, when doctors become actual doctors they usually dump the one they were with while becoming a doctor. And find someone better. That's why they became a doctor.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
This guy seems to have limited social skills & you have made things fairly easy for him by cooking & then heading to the bedroom.

 

Whatever it is that you want: him to initiate & proper dates, tell him. But be specific. Define what a proper date is. Give him a # of times to call you. Be loving & praise him when he does these things.

 

If you explain what you want & still don't get it, then you have decisions to make. I won't say that I think he used you but I will say that he might not know how to date because he never had somebody who had expectations.

 

When I first started dating my husband, cheap beer & chain restaurants were all he knew. I had to introduce him to my lifestyle & explain how it worked. I've learned what I think is normal, looks extraordinary to other people. Several years ago we took his mom out to eat to a nice place near her. From my perspective the restaurant staff behaved normally -- acquiescing to my desire to sit in a particular dining room, my interactions with the sommelier, the waiter's attention etc. My MIL was in awe & expressed that she'd never been treated so well. I was heartbroken for her because nothing about what was going on was extraordinary. When I asked my husband about it later he explained that it was normal to me & now him but it was extraordinary to most people. DH & I have been married 9 years & my MIL still comments that her son does certain things -- holds open doors; dresses up; travels; initiates conversations, sends me cards, buys me lavish gifts etc. because he'd never done those things before. But they were part of my expectations for a relationship (not the gifts but the gift giving); I communicated them to him & because I was specific he fulfilled them.

 

 

Thanks for your input! I have a feeling this guy just doesn't have any real dating experience. There are things I've mentioned that I would like for him to do, and he has tried but he still does not do it as much as I'd like.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

He just sounds like the go with the flow type , nothing really wrong with that if he's happy.

But the real thing is the way he said he isn't ready for a relationship right now.

That's pretty well telling you he doesn't want anything serious and l'd say just not feeling the serious stuff tbh.

 

So basically, he's just not that into me?

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think he's just not that into you.

 

There is so much negotiating and dragging feet that I don't know how it should magically turn into a warm committed relationship.

 

Unfortunately more often than not the "I don't want a relationship right now" means "I don't want a relationship with you". You cannot put people on a shelf until some arbitrary deadline that might never come. Life and love happens when it happens and even the busiest people have families and relationships if it is a priority to them. I wouldn't be surprised if you break up and he's engaged six months later.

 

I feel like you are wasting time unless you are OK with this semi-relationship. If you are seeking for an actual fulfilling committed relationship then he is not the guy.

Edited by bene
Typos
  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...