Dis Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 (edited) I finally met a guy outside of OLD (which never happens)... We met at a camp I used to go to when I was a kid. He works there in the summer and my mom is the nurse there We started talking on fb a few months back but I wasnt too interested...it didnt go anywhere. Everyone has their 'type' or things they're attracted to and things they're not but this guy was a very big guy. Def had many extra pounds and I knew that so I just kept our chatting casual and friendly I saw him at camp a week and a half ago and we kind of hit it off. He was super funny...confident and we just clicked. As for attraction, he had lost some weight so at the time I thought there was a baseline attraction there Camp ended last Saturday and ever since we would talk on the phone every night for hours. We totally made the mistake of building things up in our minds. But I cant deny our emotional/mental connection. We talked about everything. I'm a pretty sexual person (havent had sex in over a year) so I would sometimes steer the convos over to sex and tease him a bit. I thought I was attracted to him and I saw potentional so it was fun for both of us The date was tonight, he picked me up and had a gift bag in his hands at my door. He brought me some school supplies I randomly had mentioned I needed. I thought that was so sweet. We went out for dinner and I dont know what happened but the attraction I had for him was totally...completely dead by the middle of dinner He kept making weird jokes and got salad dressing all over himself. I wouldnt normally be bothered by any of that but for some reason I was so turned off I wanted to jump out the window. When he drove me home I made up the cliche excuse that a friend needed me instead of inviting him in (which we had planned on even though we agreed sex was off the table for now). He walked me to my door and I hugged him goodbye. That was it. I have to say the final nail in the coffin was when he literally sang, Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" to me on the car ride home. Fml. He must be so confused and hurt right now. I feel so bad. I feel so disappointed that the attraction I thought was there wasnt and everything I built up in my mind isnt at all reality. My disappointment is probably incomparable to the confusion and hurt he's feeling I swear if I could convince myself to be attracted to him..I would in a heart beat. He's such a good guy. I need to reach out to him tomorrow but I'm not sure what to say. He's called me and texted me but I feel so awful right now I dont want to talk Edited August 18, 2017 by Disillusionment373 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 It's the obvious question - do you think he was just really anxious? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
No_Go Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Eeeh Dis, it happens! I had this once with a doctor I briefly dated... First date I felt very intrigued (maybe because of the conversation more than anything else), but on the second date... I found his gestures annoying, I though he's self obsessed... All the attraction was gone. I tried one more date but the attraction was permanently gone. Just tell him the truth that you're not feeling it and that's it. Don't elaborate and don't delay because you'll hurt him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 You're good people D. From my perspective I would want to know that you are not interested. It saves me time and allows me to move onto the next girl. That said, A LOT of guys can't handle rejection and take it personally. You know him better than us so what type is he? You aren't the first girl who rejected him and won't be the last. Just be clear that there is no interest and it will be better for him long term. Don't be wishy washy and give him false hope. Be firm but kind. And don't beat yourself up. You can't help who you find attractive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 18, 2017 Author Share Posted August 18, 2017 It's the obvious question - do you think he was just really anxious? Yes But somehow he seemed over confident despite my subtle cues that he should tone it down. Probably considering how well our phones calls went Link to post Share on other sites
Ieris Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 @Disillusionment373 ~ I think the best thing to do is to be honest with him so he's not left wondering what he has done wrong. Don't feel too bad about it, sometimes it happens and it's out of your control. Just have to let him down lightly. You're very sweet by the way.. usually people just pity themselves but you seem more concerned for the guy. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Seriousperson Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 I finally met a guy outside of OLD (which never happens)... We met at a camp I used to go to when I was a kid. He works there in the summer and my mom is the nurse there We started talking on fb a few months back but I wasnt too interested...it didnt go anywhere. Everyone has their 'type' or things they're attracted to and things they're not but this guy was a very big guy. Def had many extra pounds and I knew that so I just kept our chatting casual and friendly I saw him at camp a week and a half ago and we kind of hit it off. He was super funny...confident and we just clicked. As for attraction, he had lost some weight so at the time I thought there was a baseline attraction there Camp ended last Saturday and ever since we would talk on the phone every night for hours. We totally made the mistake of building things up in our minds. But I cant deny our emotional/mental connection. We talked about everything. I'm a pretty sexual person (havent had sex in over a year) so I would sometimes steer the convos over to sex and tease him a bit. I thought I was attracted to him and I saw potentional so it was fun for both of us The date was tonight, he picked me up and had a gift bag in his hands at my door. He brought me some school supplies I randomly had mentioned I needed. I thought that was so sweet. We went out for dinner and I dont know what happened but the attraction I had for him was totally...completely dead by the middle of dinner He kept making weird jokes and got salad dressing all over himself. I wouldnt normally be bothered by any of that but for some reason I was so turned off I wanted to jump out the window. When he drove me home I made up the cliche excuse that a friend needed me instead of inviting him in (which we had planned on even though we agreed sex was off the table for now). He walked me to my door and I hugged him goodbye. That was it. I have to say the final nail in the coffin was when he literally sang, Bruno Mars "Just the Way You Are" to me on the car ride home. Fml. He must be so confused and hurt right now. I feel so bad. I feel so disappointed that the attraction I thought was there wasnt and everything I built up in my mind isnt at all reality. My disappointment is probably incomparable to the confusion and hurt he's feeling I swear if I could convince myself to be attracted to him..I would in a heart beat. He's such a good guy. I need to reach out to him tomorrow but I'm not sure what to say. He's called me and texted me but I feel so awful right now I dont want to talk I have been in that situation, don't feel bad, sometimes when we meet someone in person we are not attracted to them. I went on a 1st date w/a guy I talked to online for months. We lost contact after I started another relationship, but he found me again on the dating site after I was broken up w/. The conversations online were sweet and intriguing, but immediately after meeting him, I was completely turned off. Idk something was very off, I told him at the end of the date (practically crying cause I hate hurting people). He turned out to be a creep, we pick up on things and for some reason we don't know why we are turned off by that person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 18, 2017 Author Share Posted August 18, 2017 Actually I dont think he picked up on any of it He texted me, "I want to tell you something good" Then, "I want you to be my girl" Omggggggg!!!!! If dating was a person I'd bludgeon it to death with my field hockey stick I keep under my bed!!! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 So that date was the first time you saw him in person since a long time ago. Happens all tge time. He was not in real what you had imagined he was today. Cute on pictures isn't enough to says there is attraction. It's so much more. Just tell him it was nice to meet with him again but you didn't feel a connection beyond friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
joseb Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 (edited) You're not attracted, thats ok. Just don't lead him on and go on more dates. If he persistently asks (and doesn't seem to get the message) then tell him the truth. In a nice way. Lessons learned: Don't spend hours talking on the phone before a date. Don't talk about sex with guys you have not had sex with. Edit: Just saw he didn't seem to pick up on your lack of attraction. I think then best to say you just aren't feeling it, thank him for the date and wish him well in his search. Edited August 18, 2017 by joseb Saw new posts 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 18, 2017 Author Share Posted August 18, 2017 So that date was the first time you saw him in person since a long time ago. Happens all tge time. He was not in real what you had imagined he was today. Cute on pictures isn't enough to says there is attraction. It's so much more. Just tell him it was nice to meet with him again but you didn't feel a connection beyond friendship. I saw him twice, IRL before the date Link to post Share on other sites
Author Dis Posted August 18, 2017 Author Share Posted August 18, 2017 I just looked at my box of takeout (styrofoam box) He inscribed the date, a heart and our initials on the box when I was in the restroom... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 I just looked at my box of takeout (styrofoam box) He inscribed the date, a heart and our initials on the box when I was in the restroom... Ok... That's a little weird. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Needless to say, you need to move it on and let him know that he mistook your intentions, etc. "I would sometimes steer the convos over to sex and tease him a bit." You just don't do things like this if you want to a neutral dating field. PERIOD. This guy felt confident b/c you two were spending a lot of time on the phone and talking about sex. No matter what your intentions may have been, never go here. Each time a woman talked about sex before meeting or anytime during a relationship, sex came next. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bachdude Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Look, here's my take on this... You did nothing intentional. You didn't lead him on on purpose. You were completely sincere. And on top of it you are genuinely concerned about his feelings and seem to feel a certain responsibility for all of this. You have a good heart, OP. Many women or men would just ghost. Just be upfront with him. With the sounds of it, he isn't likely to take a hint that you are not interested (he's too over confident, as you say). My recommendation is to be direct and clear but kind at the same time. I'd do it soon. He sounds quite smitten with you. Get it over with. Quick and swift like removing a bandaid. Good luck. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Raena Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Oh no! Be gentle with him. He sounds like a real sweetheart. It's too bad you weren't into him because he went the extra mile to try and impress you. Don't make him feel bad for doing those things because the right girl for him will absolutely love his attention to detail and goofiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Seriousperson Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 I just looked at my box of takeout (styrofoam box) He inscribed the date, a heart and our initials on the box when I was in the restroom... That is really weird and creepy. Be wary of a guy who comes on that strong, he could lose interest very fast or become a control freak. In this case it could be control freak as the guy I dated before my current bf came on strong and started talking exclusivity right away. You aren't obligated to like him back. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
CoolJoe Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 D, didn't you say you saw him 10 days ago at camp before the date? I am surprised you went from "not bad" to disgusted in 10 days. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lorenza Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 This happened to me numerous times! Mostly with I guys I haven't met before, but once with someone I knew irl as well. That's the danger of virtual world, it leaves too much space for imagination and delusion... Just like you, Dis, I would get excited way too soon and even get butterflies thinking about a person I'd basically create in my own head. Then reality would hit me like a ton of bricks and I'd realize there is no real attraction whatsoever... Disappointment beyond words Maybe you're like me, an imaginative and romantic person and that's why you ended up in this situation. Definitely nothing you did on purpose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Cookiesandough Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Haha sorry, dis. That's too bad, but you can't force yourself to feel what's not there. He sounds a wee bit cray. It's funny the other guy likes Shawn Mendez and now this. The musical taste of the guys you attract xD 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 I'm going to say this because it came to my mind about half way thru your post. Are you sure you aren't afraid to lose the one year dry spell ? Maybe the idea of sex really happening is what turned you off.. if that is the case then it isn't him but you aren't ready to have sex yet. Just my thoughts... otherwise the other posters have giving great advice... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 I wouldn't be so hard on yourself... This guy completely blew the date with his weird actions.. Singing?.. Inscribing hearts on a box? Really? There's a fine line between socially inept and creepy and he flirted with it, for sure. Yes, he may have been a little over-zealous if you two were having sexually flirtatious conversations but that is some seriously strange behavior that I wouldn't be comfortable with. He may be a bit hurt but this is the nature of dating. I will echo what other people have said though; avoid sexually charged conversations until after you've actually made a connection with a man. I have had several women do it before first dates and it does make things a bit awkward. I don't have any expectations of sex on that first date but there is generally a disconnect between what was going back and forth via text and the actual date itself as too much has been built up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 At the beginning of dating impression is very important. My interest in BF started slow but each time I saw him he made good impressions with his mannerism, speech and courtesy. If he had dropped salad dressing all over him on our 3rd date, act awkward and sing, 100% my initial attraction would have died. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 Awww, so sorry this happened. You are very sweet and have done nothing wrong. Chemistry is very important! Side note, this is a reality check for me as I'm currently involved in a similar scenario. A good reminder to keep expectations in check for if/when we end up seeing each other in person again after 30 years lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted August 18, 2017 Share Posted August 18, 2017 I just looked at my box of takeout (styrofoam box) He inscribed the date, a heart and our initials on the box when I was in the restroom... That's adorable and super creepy cringe worthy at the same time Guys are best served to allow the woman to dictate the pace at which the relationship escalates emotionally and should only be concerned with escalating to sex. Hopefully he's not framing the napkin you used to wipe your mouth Coming on this strong is not the sign of a healthy person. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts