I don't know what this girl's deal is..

[letmein]

So this girl and I have hung out several times. Usually getting drinks, sometimes an appetizer. We've flirted constantly, talked about sex, and she's said she has sexual feelings towards me (though when I hint we should act on them, she shies away).

 

I told her a long time ago I liked her. And recently I asked her on a date (since getting drinks together and sometimes apps was already feeling like dating a little). She said she's not emotionally available (ex thing). She said she still had physical feelings towards me. I told her it was getting harder for me not to act on mine.

 

I took a few days to think and realized I should probably just be friends with this person. I've never been one for just hookups. So I asked her if she wanted to grab drinks after work (with the intention of seeing if I could just be friends with her). She said she didn't want to stay out late and said we should get appetizers instead.

 

We got to the place and she ordered a dish of something that I couldn't eat (food allergy). She asked if it was okay to eat that near me, saying she's not going to kiss me so it shouldn't matter. I took that as a sign that she's hinting we should probably just be friends.

 

At that point, I was getting to be fine with that. The waiter was treating us like a couple and she didn't correct her. But I figured she just didn't want to make it awkward. Then the check comes. She looks at it and says "$25? Wow, cheap date." I don't know why she would say that when she specifically turned me down for a "date" days earlier.

 

I don't know if this girl is playing mind games, if it was just something that unintentionally slipped out, or what. She seems to pick her words carefully so that's why I'm a little confused.

 

tl;dr: Girl turns me down for date. We go to restaurant as friends. She looked at the bill and said "wow, cheap date".

[GemmaUK]

She has already told you she isn't emotionally available.

 

You aren't interested in a FWB situation so don't attempt to go there as you'll just get hurt.

 

It would be best for you to distance yourself.

 

Saying 'cheap date' is something people just say when the bill isn't expensive when out with anyone - even a group of work colleagues.

She wasn't implying you were on a date.

[basil67]

Agree with Gemma. "Cheap date" is just a phrase. It's not referencing an actual date.

[letmein]

I know it's just a phrase. But using it right after I just asked her out a few days ago on a date? It seems like that would be the one word she'd want to avoid so there would be no confusion, right?

[GemmaUK]

I know it's just a phrase. But using it right after I just asked her out a few days ago on a date? It seems like that would be the one word she'd want to avoid so there would be no confusion, right?

 

No, she didn't even think about it before she said it.

A date was not on her mind at all - if it had been in any way she might not have said it but her saying it is a clear signal that you and her together, out and about did not make her think 'date' at all.

[d0nnivain]

It was a bad word choice, nothing more. Her use of the phrase "cheap date" was not her playing mind games with you.

 

Since you want more, I don't think you should settle for being "just friends" with this woman. She is already using you for emotional support. She gets a lot of the benefits of dating -- somebody to go out with, to share food & drinks -- be she continues to say she's emotionally unavailable & doesn't want anything physical. When she heals & becomes emotionally available, she's going to pick another guy not her tried & true buddy (you) who let her cry on his shoulder.

 

Don't do it to yourself. Put some distance in here. I'm not saying go NC but do not be at her beck & call. If she asks why you are disappearing reiterate that you want to date but because she doesn't you are moving away. Make sure she knows if she agrees to date you will be right there happy to oblige.

[Cookiesandough]

Figure of speech. Now she knows you like her. Yet with this knowledge and the knowledge she doesn't feel the same she's still being your friend, with all the advantages and ego stroking being friends with someone that has romantic feelings for you brings. So she is the one who paid?

Edited August 16, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[diddilybop]

yeah, i wouldn't interpret too much with the phrase "cheap date". my guy friends (who have girlfriends) know that i'm a lightweight and call me a cheap date (i have a boyfriend too). the girl isn't interested in you but wants your company at her convenience. not very fair, especially since you're interested in dating. i would't go NC either but just keep your interactions with her at a distance.

[smackie9]

She ordered food you couldn't eat.....she has put up a wall. Even a good friend wouldn't be so selfish. She's just being an attention w$%^&. She knows you have feelings for her, and the attention you keep giving her is enabling her to keep using you.

 

Dump and run.

[Redhead14]

playing mind games -- You are playing mind games with yourself by trying to analyze the heck out of all this.

 

I took a few days to think and realized I should probably just be friends with this person. -- Stick with this realization and don't expect more with her PERIOD.

[lurker74]

No, she's definitely playing mind games with you. I disagree that the cheap date statement was a throw away. Let's see...

 

* Says she's emotionally unavailable - right, until the hot guy she sees herself settling down with show up - then she'll be available

 

* Tells you she's attracted - but doesn't pursue or allow the actions to be pursued, which is typical teasing behavior of saying, "Oh, I want you to think about sex with me but never consummate it"

 

* Orders food you can't eat and then says it doesn't matter because you won't be kissing - Classic power move...I want you to THINK about kissing me but not do it

 

* Cheap date - maybe accidental but fits the pattern.

 

Don't tell her you want to be friends. Don't tell her you don't want to hang out. Just stop talking to her. When (not if) she comes to you in a few days and suggests drinks again, tell her you're busy that night.

[TaxMan]

No, she's definitely playing mind games with you. I disagree that the cheap date statement was a throw away. Let's see...

 

* Says she's emotionally unavailable - right, until the hot guy she sees herself settling down with show up - then she'll be available

 

* Tells you she's attracted - but doesn't pursue or allow the actions to be pursued, which is typical teasing behavior of saying, "Oh, I want you to think about sex with me but never consummate it"

 

* Orders food you can't eat and then says it doesn't matter because you won't be kissing - Classic power move...I want you to THINK about kissing me but not do it

 

* Cheap date - maybe accidental but fits the pattern.

 

Don't tell her you want to be friends. Don't tell her you don't want to hang out. Just stop talking to her. When (not if) she comes to you in a few days and suggests drinks again, tell her you're busy that night.

 

I agree with this. She knows what she's doing. The "cheap date" remkark may have been an accident, but the rest of this is textbook "benching" - she's not interested in being with you "that way" but she's trying to keep you on the back burner and use you to buy her drinks and food and pay attention to her until someone she's more interested in comes along.

 

I'd take lurker's advice and cut and run. The most likely outcome here is that you keep hanging around and eventually develop full-blown feelings for this woman and end up getting your heart trampled on b/c she doesn't feel the same way. I've been there. You're better off not going down that road.

[Bastile]

She's lost/losing respect for you, and tooling you for validation.

 

Your lack of escalation and self-esteem is allowing for this, and you are letting yourself down.

 

Cut her off completely.

[letmein]

No, she's definitely playing mind games with you. I disagree that the cheap date statement was a throw away. Let's see...

 

* Says she's emotionally unavailable - right, until the hot guy she sees herself settling down with show up - then she'll be available

 

* Tells you she's attracted - but doesn't pursue or allow the actions to be pursued, which is typical teasing behavior of saying, "Oh, I want you to think about sex with me but never consummate it"

 

* Orders food you can't eat and then says it doesn't matter because you won't be kissing - Classic power move...I want you to THINK about kissing me but not do it

 

* Cheap date - maybe accidental but fits the pattern.

 

Don't tell her you want to be friends. Don't tell her you don't want to hang out. Just stop talking to her. When (not if) she comes to you in a few days and suggests drinks again, tell her you're busy that night.

 

I tend to agree with this. I've noticed whenever i start to accept just being friends or I don't talk to her for a long time, she'll throw out a statement like the "cheap date" thing to reel me back in. Despite what people are saying on here, I honestly don't think it was an accident. I think she wanted to see how I would react to that.

[preraph]

Something sounds off, but she could just be abyssmal at communicating and always saying the wrong things. Still, if she's told you she's emotionally unavailable, I'd believe her -- BUT if she's emotionally unavailable but unloading about her ex on you, that's not being emotionally unavailable but emotional vomiting. So not sure what she wants, so why don't you just ask her?

[kendahke]

 

* Says she's emotionally unavailable - right, until the hot guy she sees herself settling down with show up - then she'll be available

 

which is her right. She doesn't owe OP a romantic relationship just because he wants one. He chose to keep dealing with her, trying a different tactic to friend his way into changing her mind. That tack rarely works, except in really bad romantic comedies. Everybody is entitled to their preferences in romantic partners, even her.

 

* Tells you she's attracted - but doesn't pursue or allow the actions to be pursued, which is typical teasing behavior of saying, "Oh, I want you to think about sex with me but never consummate it"

 

But OP knew this a long time ago, according to his post... well before he asked her to go out as friends. This wasn't sprung on him while she was eating hors d'oeuvres.

 

* Orders food you can't eat and then says it doesn't matter because you won't be kissing - Classic power move...I want you to THINK about kissing me but not do it

 

Did she know OP was allergic? Did he speak up and tell her he was allergic? Did he tell her when she ordered it that he can't eat it and that they'll go dutch? That's what friends do--they split the bill.

 

Don't tell her you want to be friends. Don't tell her you don't want to hang out. Just stop talking to her. When (not if) she comes to you in a few days and suggests drinks again, tell her you're busy that night.

 

The only thing I agree with here.

[lurker74]

 

 

 

The only thing I agree with here.

 

That's your right. And to be clear, of course it's her choice...she and no one ever should be forced to go further than they want to with anyone. And they should be allowed (outside of a committed, monogamous relationship) to pursue anyone they want for any reason.

 

But her behavior, taken as a whole, reaks of self-validation at the emotional expense of the OP. I find it hard to believe - in the extreme - that she doesn't know what he wants and therefore I find it easy to believe that she is consciously or subconsciously using his attraction for her own purposes.

 

Take the allergic appetizer. Fine. Maybe she didn't know. And maybe she shouldn't have to decline an appetizer that HE'S paying for just because he can't eat it. But when she adds, oh, it's not like we're going to be kissing, it sounds very much (through the internet) like a power play.

 

But that's why this forum exists - because we all have different opinions.

[letmein]

That's your right. And to be clear, of course it's her choice...she and no one ever should be forced to go further than they want to with anyone. And they should be allowed (outside of a committed, monogamous relationship) to pursue anyone they want for any reason.

 

But her behavior, taken as a whole, reaks of self-validation at the emotional expense of the OP. I find it hard to believe - in the extreme - that she doesn't know what he wants and therefore I find it easy to believe that she is consciously or subconsciously using his attraction for her own purposes.

 

Take the allergic appetizer. Fine. Maybe she didn't know. And maybe she shouldn't have to decline an appetizer that HE'S paying for just because he can't eat it. But when she adds, oh, it's not like we're going to be kissing, it sounds very much (through the internet) like a power play.

 

But that's why this forum exists - because we all have different opinions.

 

Just to be clear, she's known about my allergy for a long time. She even held off on eating that for awhile. There was actually a situation in the restaurant, so we were given free shots. I told her a couple days ago when I'm out drinking with her I want to kiss her. When we were given the shots, she said "you know, I still haven't eaten that dish yet." Then I got up to take a phone call, and when I got back she said "Sorry, I had to eat it."

 

That didn't really sit well with me. Sure, she has no obligation to do anything with me. But hanging something like that in front of my face just seems really attention-whoring.

[smackie9]

Well then why are you still in her orbit??? Dump and run already!

[kendahke]

That's your right. And to be clear, of course it's her choice...she and no one ever should be forced to go further than they want to with anyone. And they should be allowed (outside of a committed, monogamous relationship) to pursue anyone they want for any reason.

 

But

 

but nothing.

 

OP knew all about how she felt about him and where her boundaries were a long time ago; yet he still tried to machine an outcome. This is mostly on him for refusing to recognize a lost cause way back when.

[kendahke]

Well then why are you still in her orbit??? Dump and run already!

 

^^^^^ This. All. Day. Long.

 

You've been having all the information, yet there you are orbiting.

[spiderowl]

She sounds pretty thoughtless and uncaring actually. I would not try to get involved with her.

[Robratory]

So this girl and I have hung out several times. Usually getting drinks, sometimes an appetizer. We've flirted constantly, talked about sex, and she's said she has sexual feelings towards me (though when I hint we should act on them, she shies away).

 

Who knows what her deal is, but do we have to know? No. Don't try to figure other people out. The only person you can figure out is you.

 

With that in mind, figure out why you haven't made an unambiguous move on her. Talking about sex is not making a move. Going for a kiss is making a move. And hinting is not making a move. Hinting is basically swimming in the shallow end of the pool, hoping Mom will say it's okay to swim with the big boys.

 

If this is the issue, don't be embarrassed by your sexual desires if the girl is "appropriate" (i.e. not too young, not too old, not taken, not known to be lesbian, and not a close relative [only 10 states prohibit sex between first cousins]). If you like the girl, make it very clear to her, and if she's not interested, go look for someone else to play with.

 

With this one, everyone is saying dump her. Well, I'd say take one more hit at the ball, and this time, be pretty obvious about what you want. She'll probably give you some BS, at which point you can just walk away.

 

And here's some follow-up advice. Never express resentment towards a girl. That just gives the manipulative ones the pleasure of knowing they got your goat. Instead, express disinterest. You're just no longer interested.

[letmein]

Who knows what her deal is, but do we have to know? No. Don't try to figure other people out. The only person you can figure out is you.

 

With that in mind, figure out why you haven't made an unambiguous move on her. Talking about sex is not making a move. Going for a kiss is making a move. And hinting is not making a move. Hinting is basically swimming in the shallow end of the pool, hoping Mom will say it's okay to swim with the big boys.

 

If this is the issue, don't be embarrassed by your sexual desires if the girl is "appropriate" (i.e. not too young, not too old, not taken, not known to be lesbian, and not a close relative [only 10 states prohibit sex between first cousins]). If you like the girl, make it very clear to her, and if she's not interested, go look for someone else to play with.

 

With this one, everyone is saying dump her. Well, I'd say take one more hit at the ball, and this time, be pretty obvious about what you want. She'll probably give you some BS, at which point you can just walk away.

 

And here's some follow-up advice. Never express resentment towards a girl. That just gives the manipulative ones the pleasure of knowing they got your goat. Instead, express disinterest. You're just no longer interested.

 

Well I was planning on kissing her before she ate the food I couldn't have. Should I just go for it next time I see her? I guess that won't leave any room for interpretation.

 

I honestly don't know why she'd say she was open to physical stuff, then eat something because "we weren't going to be kissing." Like then why say you were open to physical stuff?

 

After reading all the replies, I'm guessing my best course of action is to just go for a kiss. And if she gives me some excuse, fade out from her life

[SevenCity]

Well I was planning on kissing her before she ate the food I couldn't have. Should I just go for it next time I see her? I guess that won't leave any room for interpretation.

 

I honestly don't know why she'd say she was open to physical stuff, then eat something because "we weren't going to be kissing." Like then why say you were open to physical stuff?

 

After reading all the replies, I'm guessing my best course of action is to just go for a kiss. And if she gives me some excuse, fade out from her life

 

Are you paying for these "friend outings"? If so she is flat out using you and you are allowing it to happen.

 

You can go for the kiss and maybe something happens and you can escalate to sex. But, unless you're just looking to score, is this really someone you want in your life?

 

I've met women like this (ordering food I'm allergic to) and banged them for several months. The entire time they were selfish. Selfish doesn't change and you don't want to get emotionally involved with someone who puts their needs above all else. Their selfishness was apparent in the way they acted, the sex, everything. It's a huge turn off that sex can't even make up for.