Fishy Situation or am I just looking for Problems?

[TheBlingRing14]

OLD situation here.

 

This guy and I have been having flirtatious banter back and forth for a few weeks now, on and off. So, I was a little surprised when he asked me to dinner a couple of weeks ago. Our conversations hadn't been particularly deep....it was mainly just fun and casual, as far as I was concerned. We exchanged phone numbers and continued texting.

 

So, last week, he called me, and we had a nice phone call, and in the end, he re-stated his interest in going out to dinner sometime, and asked what I was doing this week, so I said I'd get back with him.

 

Sunday, I told him Wednesday would be best for me, and he said he might be able to make that work, but nothing was set in stone. Then, yesterday morning, he asked where I wanted to meet. After I responded to him, I heard nothing the rest of the day, and nothing this morning either. Now, this whole time, he has been active on his OLD profile. Which is fine. We aren't even dating, so it's not a big deal. But...if he is not messaging me, even though he is clearly available enough to be online, that I have a problem with.

 

So, then this evening, I have a missed phone call from him. I call him back, less than 5 minutes later, and I get no answer. So...an hour later, I text him, to which he replies that he had another phone call, and can he call me "in a bit." I replied "Sure", but I am getting less enthused by the minute, ya know?

 

Well, an hour later, he still hadn't called, so I went to the bathroom, and sure enough, while I did, he called. So, again...I call him back, this time, 2 minutes after he called me. No answer. So, I text. No answer.

 

This whole situation is feeling more and more fishy. Maybe he is playing the field (which again is FINE...I hope he is!) and I am the lowest on the totem pole. Maybe he somehow lost interest. Am I fabricating things on my mind, or does this sound like a really fishy situation to you?

[Cookiesandough]

I would have lost interest awhile ago. If it's this hard to nail down a first date THAT HE SUGGESTED, get ahold of him, and he ignores you while on app, I just see more headaches ahead

[Versacehottie]

I would have lost interest awhile ago. If it's this hard to nail down a first date THAT HE SUGGESTED, get ahold of him, and he ignores you while on app, I just see more headaches ahead

 

I agree. I was exhausted reading about all the back and forth and unable to reach. BTW, i think you are BOTH playing that game, not just him. Power struggle. It can't be that motivating or exciting to want to go on a date with him. Maybe just move onto the next. I wouldn't call it fishy--he may be thinking the same about you after all. It's just totally lost momentum.

[diddilybop]

it's not fishy but more in the case of, "losing momentum". it shouldn't be that hard to plan a date if he was interested in you. this is just getting unnecessarily complicated too early on and you two haven't even met! i wouldn't take this guy seriously as you met him thru OLD and you know how OLD can be fun little numbers game, haha

Edited August 16, 2017 by diddilybop

[GemmaUK]

Sorry OP but he did express interest in going out to dinner 2 weeks ago which you didn't appear to respond to.

Then he asks again and gets 'I'll get back to you' - not an 'I'd love to, when are you thinking?' straight away.

 

I'm not surprised he is pulling back some - you started it - he is following your lead.

[TheBlingRing14]

Thank you for your replies, though I don't necessarily agree with all of them.

 

I know some may think that it's my fault too, and I contributed to it, but for example. When he called and asked me out again, I was away from my house and had to check my calendar. Now, yes, maybe I could have and should have been more enthusiastic with saying, "I'd love to!" etc etc. That part I agree with.

 

But, I guess the part I am thinking is fishy or wondering about is the fact that I call him back within a matter of a couple of minutes and he doesn't pick up and then I don't hear from him till hours later. And, by fishy, I don't mean just odd or bizarre...I mean, does he have a wife? Is he in prison? I am talking issues much more worrisome than just....it's weird how he is behaving.

[Redhead14]

Thank you for your replies, though I don't necessarily agree with all of them.

 

I know some may think that it's my fault too, and I contributed to it, but for example. When he called and asked me out again, I was away from my house and had to check my calendar. Now, yes, maybe I could have and should have been more enthusiastic with saying, "I'd love to!" etc etc. That part I agree with.

 

But, I guess the part I am thinking is fishy or wondering about is the fact that I call him back within a matter of a couple of minutes and he doesn't pick up and then I don't hear from him till hours later. And, by fishy, I don't mean just odd or bizarre...I mean, does he have a wife? Is he in prison? I am talking issues much more worrisome than just....it's weird how he is behaving.

 

If the fish smells fishy, I don't take a bite out of it to confirm whether it's bad or not. In other words, even if he calls you, sets a real date, you're going to be wondering still and probably not as focused as you should be. You're already "uncomfortable" about this so throw him back. No big loss.

[AriesDude]

Fishy as hell. Seen lots of guys like that around.

If you ever do go on the date though...which I encourage you not to...

Ask him this as a opener "So how many other dates do you have planned for today?"

Ignore his answer but take a look at his expression when he answers.

Believe me if you ever try to talk really deep with him you'll see that same face too.

[smackie9]

I think you are blowing things out of proportion. He's probably a very social guy, the type that thinks "ok they didn't answer must be busy so I'll call my buddy now". AND just because you see them on line doesn't mean they are at that moment. He could be watching TV or hanging out somewhere, etc. Not everyone shuts down the app or they forget about it.

 

You should never get overly concerned when you haven't even met yet or even had a date. If he isn't treating you the way you want to be treated, simply say no thanks, block/delete, and move on. Why get your panties in a knot over it....it's just a guy. There are plenty more out there.

[TheBlingRing14]

Thanks, friends. Here is a little update:

 

He messaged me this morning, and said he didn't hear his phone, which I find a little hard to believe, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt here.

 

I told him today wasn't going to work, which is true, and he was a little put off. But, like I said, it was true and nothing was ever confirmed or set in stone, so I was not able to be available. (We live appx 2 hours apart by the way) I assure you, I'm not playing games, and if I could have, I would have made it happen.

 

In fact, I told him I would be free next Thursday, to which he responded he didn't know that he would be free that day. Okay, that's fine. We all have busy lives.

 

I haven't heard from him since.

 

Here is the thing...I don't mind if he is dating other girls. I really, genuinely don't. I don't mind to see him casually. I do mind if he has a serious girlfriend or something, that he is cheating on. I do mind if he is stringing me along. I will definitely try the "How many dates do you have?" trick if I ever see him...which could very well be never.

[smackie9]

You are miffed because you feel he's full of crap and playing some kind of game and yet you want to "test him/do a trick" if you see him??? Pot, kettle, black. My spidie senses tell me you have invested too much. I get it, your time is important and should have some value, but in the dating game it isn't always so.

[Ieris]

@TheBlingRing14 ~ Just sounds like you're not a priority to him.. I wouldn't waste any more time. Block. Delete. Move on swiftly..

[diddilybop]

you ARE playing a game with him by messaging with him, even telling when you're telling him that it's not going to work or asking him the whole "how many dates do you have?".

 

stop investing in ANY kind of energy with this guy and move on wth some self-respect and dignity.

[Versacehottie]

You are miffed because you feel he's full of crap and playing some kind of game and yet you want to "test him/do a trick" if you see him??? Pot, kettle, black. My spidie senses tell me you have invested too much. I get it, your time is important and should have some value, but in the dating game it isn't always so.

 

Agreed. both of you are doing it to each other. It may be for legitimate reasons for BOTH of you. It may not be. It may be because you each are being pissy and digging your heels in. I think it's ironic that you used the term "stringing you along" with regard to this situation. He could see that you are doing exactly the same thing to him. Why can't you see that? Why can't you see how your behavior might look to him. I get it OLD makes people overly cautious, jaded and bitter. He might be more spontaneous, i.e. checking in on day of date and you are more of a planner, so you just might just not be compatible--especially if you are going to be suspicious of his actions that read like that without looking at your own that might read that way.

 

Sure, yeah he's probably dating others--he's on OLD and so are you. Bound to be some of that. "Stringing you along" also says to me that you are way too invested, too high of expectations and too pedantic or fussy about this whole thing. You haven't even gone on one date yet. No one is stringing anyone along. If he doesn't suit you, in his dating style up to this point and you feel that you'd never trust him, don't go and stop talking to him. It's that simple. Bottom line, you can't be that excited about him if you are looking at all this other stuff & that hard to pin down to see. You probably do have a tendency to look for problems. Failure to connect to make a date is a two way street, especially as chronicled here. No one needs to jump to "fishy" conclusions or characterize it that way. That's some baggage that will follow you beyond this guy.

[S2B]

If a solid date can't be set early on - then it's obviously not a priority.

 

You've both delayed for various reasons... and it's just not going to work out. Let it go...next!

[diddilybop]

yeah, i'm with Versacehottie on this one. you don't like his behavior, ok, that's fair but do you see how your behavior and attitude makes him feel or how it'd make any other guy feel? it's not cute. and you two haven't even been on a date yet!

[HarmonyDriven]

OP,

 

IMO, you two were playing phone tag and it happens. Based on what you noted in your initial post, there is nothing (IMO) to suggest he has a girlfriend or stringing you along. I agree with other posters, this guy could very well think you are stringing him along.

 

It sounds like he might be more spontaneous, or spur of the moment date setter whereas you need to plan. Either or is not bad, just saying .

 

As far as this guy being online with the dating site, some sites keep you logged in when maybe they are not actually looking at profiles. So I would not think anything of it. Think of it like this, if you saw him online active, then that means you are online on the dating site too. Hmmmmm.

 

He could be fishy.....but from what you have indicated thus far, IMO .....just don't think so.

 

I also think you need not work yourself up in a frenzy over this, quit over analyzing. Keep checking out other fish.....I mean men.

[Versacehottie]

yeah, i'm with Versacehottie on this one. you don't like his behavior, ok, that's fair but do you see how your behavior and attitude makes him feel or how it'd make any other guy feel? it's not cute. and you two haven't even been on a date yet!

 

I would add that he probably hasn't gotten back to you about Thursday because whatever it was that made him "not know yet", he still doesn't know about. You are not top priority to him and vice versa. Devolving fast, partly because of the way you both have been dismissive to each other. It doesn't have to be such a big deal but it seems at least on your end, possibly his too, you are reading a lot into it and it's annoying to you.

[Robratory]

OLD situation here.

 

This guy and I have been having flirtatious banter back and forth for a few weeks now, on and off.

 

Well, there's your problem right there. In the future, don't do that. Either meet right away, or don't meet at all.

 

And don't do dinner for a first meeting. A first meeting is not even a first date. When you first meet someone, you don't know them, and you could easily decide within 30 seconds that you'd sooner stab your eyes with a fork than kiss them. If you're just having coffee, you can slurp it down in 15 minutes, say nice meeting you but I must be going, and that's it. But if you're having dinner? OMG, I've been there, and it's sheer torture.

 

A big study carried out by OKC (or maybe it was POF) confirmed what most of us already knew. Women get loads of attention online while men can hardly catch a break. That means that guys on OLD are not busy juggling the women they meet. They might send out 150 messages to get just four or five responses (and that includes the "thanks, but I don't think it would work" messages!).

 

That means this guy is not that busy. Who knows what his game is? We don't know and neither do you, but that's okay because it's game you can only win by not playing. Next time, if you're interested in the guy, meet him right away, and if he starts acting like a pen-pal, tell him you're not interested in having an online relationship. OLD is just for meeting.

[TheBlingRing14]

Hey guys...just wanted to keep you abreast of things.

 

Flaky guy is still...well, being flaky.

 

The last time we talked, he said he was still interested and disappointed our date didn't work out (despite him having never confirmed said date) and so on and so forth and....that was the last time we talked.

 

I told him then to call me sometime to catch up. I got one message since then, which I replied to, and got no reply to.

 

So, I think I am just gonna let it go. If he contacts me, he contacts me. If he doesn't, he doesn't. I really didn't have any expectations out of the encounter anyway, other than casual, so... never say never. But, I am not gonna go out of my way to make it happen either.

[S2B]

Tons of OLD guys are married!

 

I'd say that 8 out of 10 dates from OLD resulted in me finding out they were actually married. Yes, you can make small talk and find out enough to check out their history...which leads to many of them being married and dating around.

 

They can't always make solid plans because they have to wait until their wife won't notice their absence... or they plan to meet while she's away.

 

Seriously, if he's that unavailable then something is seriously up.

 

Don't waste your time with this type.

 

Any guy who's interested will MAKE time within a few days to meet you.

[act00]

I don't see anything fishy. I do see some incompatibility and you seem to be a higher priority to him than him to you. You've been chatting for weeks, but a couple weeks ago he expressed interest in going out with you, and you seemed rather uninterested and it never happened. He asked you out a second time, and you brushed him off with an "I'll let you know." Then you missed two phone calls from him, which really was not something you can control and just a circumstance, but can you see how this might LOOK to him? He might see you playing games, and you seem rather unavailable.

 

The fact he didn't get back to you right away, at least by text, to make sure the plan you suggested works, is bothersome.

 

The app can make you appear online, even if you're not, or he didn't shut down the program, so I wouldn't read too much into that.

 

I also agree that your planning styles don't mesh well, and he seems to be more spontaneous and you require some advanced planning, plus you seem way too busy to pursue anything outside of your norm, and unwilling to make room.

 

The distance is a major factor here, and I totally understand where you're coming from, as I'm a planner as well, and it would not work for me if I didn't have anything concrete established. I've had men bail on me last minute, even while I'm on my way, so without a solid plan, I really don't take anything seriously. I wouldn't make a two-hour drive on loose plans, but if he was willing to drive close to me, different story, though maddening to put aside other things "just in case."

 

I think you could be more forthcoming on what you need with planning. If you genuinely want to meet this guy, tell him that due to distance and scheduling difficulties with the two of you, you would really like it if a solid plan could be established ahead of time and that you don't really do well with last-minute planning. It wouldn't hurt to be more enthusiastic. I find it difficult to believe you didn't have a general idea what night would be best for you without a calendar in front of you. "I think Wednesday is good, but I need to double check when I get home," as an example.

[Versacehottie]

Tons of OLD guys are married!

 

I'd say that 8 out of 10 dates from OLD resulted in me finding out they were actually married. Yes, you can make small talk and find out enough to check out their history...which leads to many of them being married and dating around.

 

They can't always make solid plans because they have to wait until their wife won't notice their absence... or they plan to meet while she's away.

 

Seriously, if he's that unavailable then something is seriously up.

 

Don't waste your time with this type.

 

Any guy who's interested will MAKE time within a few days to meet you.

 

Assuming that is true (bolded), the same goes for OP then.