Can't figure this one out

[SevenCity]

So I met this woman on OLD. She texted me all the time for a week, was very considerate of my travel time (I went to meet up with her) and we agreed to meet.

 

The minute I show up she's cold as a fish. I figure she didn't like my IRL presentation so no problem. She has a drink and then gets another and gets food. I'm getting zero signs of interest (I wasn't really interested myself but would have been open to some physical fun if it were an option).

 

After 2 hours I finally get the check and she insists on paying her half.

 

So my question is this: Why would she stay so long? I was ready to leave in 10 minutes but figured I would see if anything developed. I could understand if she was looking for a free drink but the fact that she paid for her half it obviously wasn't the case.

 

I offered her a ride home but she declined (smart move for a woman as I'm an internet stranger). So I left her there to get a cab and had a forced awkward hug. I honestly prefer if they leave after one drink if they're not interested. Just don't understand why someone would stay so long with zero interest?

[jaQ3]

I've been in that situation before and imo its one of two things: she didn't want to be rude/know how to gracefully exit the situation, or B., she wasn't sure if she was into you or not and lingered a little to try and find out

[SevenCity]

I've been in that situation before and imo its one of two things: she didn't want to be rude/know how to gracefully exit the situation, or B., she wasn't sure if she was into you or not and lingered a little to try and find out

 

Good points. But I'm pretty sure she made up her mind the minute I saw her so if could be the lack of an exit strategy.

 

Don't care other than spending more time than I wanted but was curious.

 

Oh and I should mention she sent me a text thanking her for making the drive and hope I got home safe.

[Gr8fuln2020]

So I met this woman on OLD. She texted me all the time for a week, was very considerate of my travel time (I went to meet up with her) and we agreed to meet.

 

The minute I show up she's cold as a fish. I figure she didn't like my IRL presentation so no problem. She has a drink and then gets another and gets food. I'm getting zero signs of interest (I wasn't really interested myself but would have been open to some physical fun if it were an option).

 

After 2 hours I finally get the check and she insists on paying her half.

 

So my question is this: Why would she stay so long? I was ready to leave in 10 minutes but figured I would see if anything developed. I could understand if she was looking for a free drink but the fact that she paid for her half it obviously wasn't the case.

 

I offered her a ride home but she declined (smart move for a woman as I'm an internet stranger). So I left her there to get a cab and had a forced awkward hug. I honestly prefer if they leave after one drink if they're not interested. Just don't understand why someone would stay so long with zero interest?

 

The questions you are asking of her could easily be asked of you. Why didn't you leave if you saw nothing was happening?

 

It is situations like these that demand, for me, that the first meeting be a coffee meet up. I have never had a 'bad' date, but over time, I realized it simply wasn't necessary to have a full-out date during the first encounter and most women I've dated agreed (on the surface, anyway). I recently had two dates and realized that it would not work out, but it was only for coffee and conversation. As long as we were enjoying one another's company, no need to short-cut the meeting, but the parting should not indicate any further interest.

 

Your experience sounded awkward and uncomfortable. I would have excused myself and not prolonged it. She was probably trying to be nice or adverse to conflict, so waited for the end of the 'encounter' to say goodbye. Easier.

[GemmaUK]

She is just polite.

I've never walked out on a date even if I'm not interested.

I will end the date if they want to extend it.

Unless someone has been a total jerk in one way or another then I'll always find something to say thank you for - just like she did.

 

just because there is no attraction is no reason for me to end things on a sour note - what is the point of that?

[CryForNoOne]

I'm not going to let a boring date ruin a perfectly good meal and drink. I enjoy eating out just in itself. Maybe she felt the same way...

[Popsicle]

I'm not going to let a boring date ruin a perfectly good meal and drink. I enjoy eating out just in itself. Maybe she felt the same way...

 

Yes, this. She was bored and didn't have anything else to do so why not have a nice meal. Plus, she stayed for the same reason you did - to see if something surprises her and grows. Sorry it didn't for either of you.

[Popsicle]

People online are very strange - don't be surprised if she says she had a really great time and wants to go out again.

[d0nnivain]

I agree that she may have simply been hungry. You were there. Even if you weren't the man of her dreams having the drinks & food was still better than being home. She paid so she wasn't using you for free food even though she might have been using you for company.

 

Another possibility could be that she's better hiding behind a key board because she can think & re-write where as in person she's more blah.

 

Either way she's one & done for you.

[Cookiesandough]

I don't think I would leave a date just because I wasn't interested, unless he was being outrageously rude or scary. I think that's impolite, especially if he traveled. And yeah, it's hard to find an "out" sometimes.

Edited August 12, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[SevenCity]

This is why your in person presentation needs to be as good or better than your online persona. Every single person I met from the Internet was pleasantly surprised by seeing me in person. You need to wear decent clothes, especially shoes. Women pay attention to shoes so you should as well. Make sure your car is clean if you are meeting her out. Wear a wristwatch. Not enough guys wear a watch these days, so wearing a decent watch can be a nice touch. Just put a little bit of effort into yourself. She likely did, so the least you can do is match her effort a bit.

 

As to why she stuck around, she obviously didn't plan to have her friend call her during the date so she would have an escape plans n. She likely didn't want to appear rude.

 

Funny you mention this as it usually is. I've had more than one comment how I look much better in person.

 

And I was dressed nice with shoes, ironed shirt, slacks and my nice watch. Regardless how you look, the first meet IRL can sometimes not be what they expect. It has not happened to me often where they don't like me so I don't think it was a result of a lack of preparation.

[SevenCity]

The questions you are asking of her could easily be asked of you. Why didn't you leave if you saw nothing was happening?

 

It is situations like these that demand, for me, that the first meeting be a coffee meet up. I have never had a 'bad' date, but over time, I realized it simply wasn't necessary to have a full-out date during the first encounter and most women I've dated agreed (on the surface, anyway). I recently had two dates and realized that it would not work out, but it was only for coffee and conversation. As long as we were enjoying one another's company, no need to short-cut the meeting, but the parting should not indicate any further interest.

 

Your experience sounded awkward and uncomfortable. I would have excused myself and not prolonged it. She was probably trying to be nice or adverse to conflict, so waited for the end of the 'encounter' to say goodbye. Easier.

 

It wasn't a full on date like dinner - it was a drink at a wine bar that turned into two and then appetizers. Coffee dates aren't my thing as I usually end up fooling around with them at the end of the date. Starbucks doesn't seem very conducive to romance.

 

I specifically declined dinner for the first meet (she had suggested) because I didn't want to get stuck with someone unless there was chemistry as it happened once before.

 

Fair question as to why I didn't leave. She was a completely different person through text so I figured she might have just been shy at first and was willing to see if she opened up. I wasn't really into her but if she offered to go back to her place I would have likely been up for it.

[JuneL]

Unless the guy is a real creep, what's the harm in chatting with a seemingly decent person, as long as there is nothing physical going on? Especially since you went of the way to meet her in her area. I bet at least you have a decent convo, no? But I personally probably would just get a drink or two (and no food). Btw, how do people end a date in a polite manner in such situation?

[Cookiesandough]

Btw, how do people end a date in a polite manner in such situation?

 

 

"So, it was nice meeting you." "Yeah, you too."

[Gaeta]

Maybe she needs a couple of hours to warm up to someone. I have had dates at the moment I saw the guy I thought 'not gonna happen' and at the end of the date I wanted to see him again.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Starbucks doesn't seem very conducive to romance.

 

It was your first meet, no? I have coffee dates so that the first meet is simple. It is an opportunity to 'feel' each other out. Get to know one another. Have some fun, no pressure, relax, touch and go.....not for romance. I have had some really great, intense first dates and some have led to romantic acts and then some, but the intent is to get a feel and put my best foot forward w/o the trappings of a complicated meal, ambiance, pretense.

[JuneL]

"So, it was nice meeting you." "Yeah, you too."

 

I meant if you wanna cut the date short, or do you just abruptly say that?

[act00]

I also question why you didn't put an end to it after that first drink. Sometimes there's no real "opener," but when the server asked if you'd like another, the response could have been, "Bring the check please."

 

My thought is if she extended the night a bit further, she was enjoying your company. She could have been testing things out to see if things loosened up, as first dates can be awkward. Maybe she's rather awkward on new dates more than you, which is why you sensed this "cold" vibe. I don't know. Maybe she was just enjoying an evening out - make the best of it. I have been let down by not so wonderful (as in no connection) dates, but I always look at it as I got out, met someone new, some conversations have been really interesting, and it wasn't a total loss. Very rarely have I felt that it was a total waste of time...and there have been a few.

 

It could be that she was rather into you, but her demeanor did not demonstrate it. You clearly didn't feel the same, so you move on. Or she just didn't feel it either, but you had a descent evening, it sounds like, and life goes on.

[Popsicle]

Sevencity, you have said a couple of times in this thread that you weren't interested in her from the beginning. Maybe she sensed that in person?

[Versacehottie]

So I met this woman on OLD. She texted me all the time for a week, was very considerate of my travel time (I went to meet up with her) and we agreed to meet.

 

The minute I show up she's cold as a fish. I figure she didn't like my IRL presentation so no problem. She has a drink and then gets another and gets food. I'm getting zero signs of interest (I wasn't really interested myself but would have been open to some physical fun if it were an option).

 

After 2 hours I finally get the check and she insists on paying her half.

 

So my question is this: Why would she stay so long? I was ready to leave in 10 minutes but figured I would see if anything developed. I could understand if she was looking for a free drink but the fact that she paid for her half it obviously wasn't the case.

 

I offered her a ride home but she declined (smart move for a woman as I'm an internet stranger). So I left her there to get a cab and had a forced awkward hug. I honestly prefer if they leave after one drink if they're not interested. Just don't understand why someone would stay so long with zero interest?

 

just because you can't envision doing what someone else does, doesn't mean it won't occur. People are different. Girls are conditioned from an early age, "not to rock the boat" and stay polite and "be good". So it totally makes sense that she would stay and "complete" the date. Happens all the time. I don't know a girl friend of mine who HASN'T done that. Also if there isn't a real life attraction initially, a lot of people can separate the fact that it doesn't mean you deserve to be humiliated (such as if she walked out or was abrupt with you). She also probably have mentally committed herself to spending her evening with you so whether it was 10 minutes or 2 hours might have not mattered to her. Lastly, she might have not felt an initial spark (physical chemistry) but was open to seeing if one developed via personalities over the evening. It totally make sense that what happened that night happened.

[Popsicle]

Sevencity, is this the first woman you have felt disappointed with the date where you have traveled to meet her?

[Versacehottie]

It wasn't a full on date like dinner - it was a drink at a wine bar that turned into two and then appetizers. Coffee dates aren't my thing as I usually end up fooling around with them at the end of the date. Starbucks doesn't seem very conducive to romance.

 

I specifically declined dinner for the first meet (she had suggested) because I didn't want to get stuck with someone unless there was chemistry as it happened once before.

 

Fair question as to why I didn't leave. She was a completely different person through text so I figured she might have just been shy at first and was willing to see if she opened up. I wasn't really into her but if she offered to go back to her place I would have likely been up for it.

 

sounds like you were "open" to see what happened & spend the evening with her in your way. And it sounds like she was "open" and willing to spend the evening with you in her way. And both of your ways overlapped a decent amount. Totally normal/acceptable.

 

Agree with bolded 1000%.

[Cookiesandough]

Actually, having spoken to men who do the OLD thing, if they are to be believed, they often stay too. I've heard stories of them sitting through a date with women who grossly misrepresented their appearance because they were too kind to say anything.

[Popsicle]

[/b]

 

just because you can't envision doing what someone else does, doesn't mean it won't occur. People are different. Girls are conditioned from an early age, "not to rock the boat" and stay polite and "be good". So it totally makes sense that she would stay and "complete" the date. Happens all the time. I don't know a girl friend of mine who HASN'T done that. Also if there isn't a real life attraction initially, a lot of people can separate the fact that it doesn't mean you deserve to be humiliated (such as if she walked out or was abrupt with you). She also probably have mentally committed herself to spending her evening with you so whether it was 10 minutes or 2 hours might have not mattered to her. Lastly, she might have not felt an initial spark (physical chemistry) but was open to seeing if one developed via personalities over the evening. It totally make sense that what happened that night happened.

 

I guess he thought the fact that she stayed so long was a sign that there was chemistry felt on her part (even though she didn't show it outwardly). Maybe he expected her to throw a drink in his face and say "I don't ever want to see you again, I don't like you!". lol

[SevenCity]

Sevencity, you have said a couple of times in this thread that you weren't interested in her from the beginning. Maybe she sensed that in person?

 

I can't claim to know what was going on in her head so it's possible. Though I was my usual self asking things about her and her background so i feel I gave the illusion I was interested.