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We love each other, but are not compatible


divegrl

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Hi!

 

I have known this guy for a year and we have been dating for a couple of months. Everything is going well. When we are together, he makes me feel loved and cared for. He is kind and giving.

 

We recently had a conversation about our priorities and values. It is a priority for me to be a stay at home mom and for him to be the leader/provider. He would like to have a dual income and for me to be more financially independent. I asked him if he would be able to compromise on this, and he said, "no".

 

***Please note, I respect his views and do not want to argue which is more valid. We have a different perspective on this, neither of us are wrong, just different. *****

 

He says he loves me and has never felt a connection like this before. He has asked me to be his girlfriend and says it will be hard, but we can make it work.

 

I am uncertain. Our values and needs do not align. I love him, but I feel we are not compatible. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Any thoughts?

 

Thank you!

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He has told you he is not willing to compromise on that point. Are you willing to compromise? It might be a "priority" for you but is it a deal breaker? That's something no one here can answer for you. How old are you two? You can shelf it and continue on like it was never discussed but that could mean you are wasting your time on a futile pursuit.

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This is a really complex issue. Im not sure how realistic it is to want to be a stay at home mom unless he makes a really good income. In this day and age, its probably just as important to have a career and be able to make a good income as it is to want to stay home and raise your kids. It sounds like he feels that a dual income family makes more sense, and maybe is more financially secure.

 

What if you had a child and then he left, or something happened to him? You would then have to figure out some way to make an income along with taking care of a child.

 

It doesnt sound like hes asking you to marry him, just to be his girlfriend. Would you plan on having a child if you werent married?

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I know the feeling of not being compatible with someone you love deeply. It is very expensive to live now a days and I think most young people need 2 incomes to make it. You would have to marry someone who is established well in their career to be a SAHM. Are you making any plans of your own towards the day you become a SAHM? Are you paying off debts and have a healthy savings? Do you plan to have a wedding if you marry and who is going to pay for that plus the ring? Are you a home owner? There is a lot to think about financially and I can't say I blame your boyfriend.

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What does he do for a living?

If for example you got pregnant now - so baby on the way/ Can his finances support you in 9 months (with all the extra costs that go with).

Would you also have (by that time) funds stashed for yourself and the little one to leave if you had to?

 

Being a SAH Mum is a wonderful choice if you can but there is a father and mother involved so it becomes a 'we' choice - which may or may not be the best for that family.

Times are not so easy and if I were younger and wanting to have a child I would not want all of the financial aspect to fall upon my man.

Equally though, I would not want all of the house/family/chores to fall on me.

 

If this is a deal breaker then so be it and as you stated you are not compatible - this isn't unimportant stuff even if you're discussing it at this early stage.

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I'm glad you see that you are not right for each other. Listen, there are plenty of people in your life that you will love but not be able to live with or commit to. None of my loves and me made a matched pair of socks for one reason or another. One wasn't dependable because he was uber-creative and uber-underemployed. One had all that side but wanted someone traditional and domestic, which I'm not.

 

You can be lovers or be friends but at some point both of you need to move on and not let that bond keep you from finding the right person IF you are dead-set of being domestic with someone and making a life together and finding a partner.

 

The basics are the most important thing: work, kids, how to raise kids, and basic morals and ethics, and money. You struck out on at least two of these, so it's a no.

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LivingWaterPlease

I know a young woman who has a three-year-old and a newborn. Both she and her husband have post graduate degrees. She wants to be a SAHM but her husband wants her to work so she is working and is miserable to the point of sharing it with her close friend. It wears on her every day and is an issue of contention in their marriage.

 

Is it possible that you could start a business at home and hire help during the day there for your children so you could at least be present to do some of the care taking during the day?

 

I was a SAHM until I became single at which time I had to go to work. At that time I was determined to stay at home with my children and prayed about it. I believe God opened the door to provide a way for me to be with my children during the time they still lived with me even though I was a single mom and not getting much financial support (or any other kind) from my children's father.

 

I was able, during that time, to buy a house in a very nice area of my city and have my children in private schools through elementary, high school and college. It was all because of God making a way through many miracles as they were dependent on me financially, not their dad.

 

For me, don't know about you, even though my children no longer live at home I believe there would be other areas of incompatibility for me were I to, at the present time, be married to someone who inflexibly would have expected me to work away from my children while raising them. One of the areas I doubt we would agree on would be prioritizing the area of money and material possessions vs. relationships.

 

These are things to think about and if you're a believer to pray about.

 

Just want to add I had/have close friends who are working moms and I fully supported/support their choices!

Edited by LivingWaterPlease
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I think it's unrealistic to be a stay at home mom in this day an age. A family cannot live on 1 income.

 

Studies shows that children registering to kindergarten and coming from daycare are 2 years ahead of children coming directly from home. It's not doing your children a service to keep them home till kindergarten.

 

It's not doing yourself a service either. You will spend 5-10 years home, you'll end up close to your 40s with no work experience and an old diploma that's worth nothing.

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I'm not going to post junk about stay at home moms and that choice because you specifically asked us not to, OP. I've done both, and I have friends who do both, so both certainly CAN be done. And honestly, there are studies on both sides.

 

However, this is a pretty big fundamental difference. When you say SAHM do you mean forever? I think most people would understand staying home with a baby or preschooler. However, unless you homeschool, I've never really understood the need to stay home once the kids are out of the house from 7:30-3:30.

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Hi!

 

I have known this guy for a year and we have been dating for a couple of months. Everything is going well. When we are together, he makes me feel loved and cared for. He is kind and giving.

 

We recently had a conversation about our priorities and values. It is a priority for me to be a stay at home mom and for him to be the leader/provider. He would like to have a dual income and for me to be more financially independent. I asked him if he would be able to compromise on this, and he said, "no".

 

***Please note, I respect his views and do not want to argue which is more valid. We have a different perspective on this, neither of us are wrong, just different. *****

 

He says he loves me and has never felt a connection like this before. He has asked me to be his girlfriend and says it will be hard, but we can make it work.

 

I am uncertain. Our values and needs do not align. I love him, but I feel we are not compatible. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Any thoughts?

 

Thank you!

 

He's not willing to compromise, but he says "we can make this work". That translates to "you'll come around to my way of thinking", because he has already said "no" to compromising.

 

The way I see it, this has gone as far as it's going to go and be peaceful. As long as children don't enter the picture and you work, you're going to be alright.

 

But if your clock is ticking and you want to start on the kiddies, then you have two choices: work your behind off and amass a king's ransom so that you can afford to not work and have babies and not be a financial drain on his money. That is going to require working a 2-3 more jobs and socking all that money into interest bearing accounts, which means: you're not going to be seeing a lot of him while you amass your fortune.

 

Your second choice is to break up with him and find a man who wants his wife to stay home and raise his children.

 

Both routes are going to mean that your time together for the foreseeable future is going to be severely limited---it just depends upon which route you want to take and if he's going to be quiet and content while you're out amassing your fortune. If you break up with him, that's not going to matter.

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thefooloftheyear

It can be done( I did it), but it involves a lot of planning and the guy has to be a pretty big earner....especially in this part of the country, where "starter" homes cost 6-700K and property taxes are 15-40K/yr..:eek:

 

I dunno..

 

I wont judge anyone, but I just don't see the point in handing infants and toddlers to a bunch of strangers...Did you guys sit down and actually put pen to paper to see how much it actually cost and how you can potentially do it?

 

My guess is he doesn't want the pressure of being the sole earner....It's not easy and not for the weak...

 

TFY

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Versacehottie

Well, you aren't compatible unfortunately. I've never had this problem because if it is the right person I would be willing to compromise within reason. I think there is a reasonable compromise to this and if I were in his position, I would take the same stance as he has (after two months of dating it seems out of this world to state that want him to be provider and you a stay at home mom). On the other hand, since neither one would be willing to budge, I guess it is a good thing it came out this early so you don't waste any more of each other's time.

 

I also have never had this problem because while I think being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest (if not the hardest job) you can do, but that said I also wouldn't play my cards upfront and give away my right to earn money/have a career. I did grow up around a lot of women & mothers who did not work outside of the home--so am under no fantasyland that it is an ideal choice. I saw people who lead fantastic-looking lives but were complete dependent and lost their self-worth, although a lot of them become adept at hiding it. They often feel they have no choice to leave because they gave away their career and feel lost about getting a job now anyway. And if you don't think that affects the relationship itself, that's a mistake. BTW, I have seen a lot of guys say what your bf did but then when the kids start coming they are fine with letting the wife stay home. I think some of them just haven't thought that far into the future and frankly may be completely incredulous at such a request, especially at the point you asked.

 

So yeah i think you should look for a guy who shares your beliefs about the homemaker/provider issue. Though just a caution, I don't think they will be similar-minded in the way your bf is now about just other values overall. I think you generally trade one mindset for another, if you put that value first and foremost. It's totally valid after all that is how you will spend you life. Break up with him--it's the only thing to do rather than torture each other. Good luck

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Whatever route you take, you also have to be prepared for your spouse being either incapacitated or he dies--and you're going to have to also prepare for your retirement. If you haven't worked outside the home for income, what job skills are you bringing to an employer, who may not pay you what you were used to your husband earning.

 

If you've not worked and you've only got his retirement account, then whatever he uses while he's alive, should he live to a ripe old age, subtracts from what would be left if you survive him, and you may live on another 20-30 years; and those years don't offer really well paying employment opportunities, so take a lot of time and thought before being swept away with "stay-at-home-mommy" dreams.

 

Spend a lot of time learning good ways of investing your money and always having a cushion so that should he not turn out to be a good husband (because that does happen), you and the children are not at his mercy for a place to lay your heads safely at night.

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Gr8fuln2020

Something like this has never happened to me and wouldn't. I could never fall in love with someone who is fundamentally incompatible. I just don't see how this could happen unless one or both ignored the some or all of the most important aspects of a successful relationship...

 

OP wants to be a SAHM which automatically means that she is thinking of having children. The guy says this cannot happen. The compromise is for the OP to get a part time job or perhaps not work for the first couple of years of each child and then go back to work.

 

The one good thing about this is that they are talking about it before making the plunge.

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I personally think that it's unrealistic to expect to be a stay at home mom in this day and age. And as a woman, I have long believed that I never want to be financially dependent on a man. You may find that you need to compromise a bit on this one...

 

Not sure that it's so much a question of incompatibility of values. You both probably value family, hard work, cooperation, financial responsibility, etc...

 

This sounds to me to be a difference of vision - future goals.

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OP: I saw that you already have kids with your ex-husband. Do you plan to have more kids, or did you mean you plan to stay home to take care of your existing kids once re-married? I assume your ex-husband pays child support, so you do have some resources to help take care of your kids financially, right?

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littleblackheart

Can your boyfriend's salary stretch to looking after a family, and is there scope for advancement in his job or will he retrain/find a better paid job to make it work?

 

Do you already have a contingency plan in place in case the relationship break down?

 

My personal experience is that without my qualifications and job, I may not have been able to afford to through a divorce and would have been stuck in an unhealthy marriage with no way out.

 

I'd never really planned on being a SAHM (I think it's great for those who want to do it byt I've always liked to work and be independent) but my elderst was a very premature baby, being born at 30 weeks, so I wanted to stay at home with him for the first couple of years of his life - if it wasn't for the savings I made with my previous job, it probably wouldn't have been an option for me.

 

So whether you stay with your partner or not, you really need to be prepared and consider all the options if you intend on being a SAHM.

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Did you guys sit down and actually put pen to paper to see how much it actually cost and how you can potentially do it?

 

TFY makes a good point.

 

When we were going through this decision, we realised that my income would be eaten up by childcare fees. It made no sense for me to be working but with nothing to show for it. Would you earn enough for daycare to be financially worthwhile?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I'm not suggesting you gamble, but my ex-husband said this too when we were young and getting married. When our first child was born, he changed his tune. I stayed home for 5 years (had 2 kids) and only went back to work because I really wanted to. Ultimately, it was good I did since we ended up getting divorced and it was good I had my own job.

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TFY makes a good point.

 

When we were going through this decision, we realised that my income would be eaten up by childcare fees. It made no sense for me to be working but with nothing to show for it. Would you earn enough for daycare to be financially worthwhile?

 

Very true. But, it is usually only a problem until the children get into school. Life is still busy after school with sports and activities, so flexibility is key. But, I know very few stay at home mothers who continue to stay at home, when their kids go to school.

 

Is this a part of your plan OP - do you want to stay at home for the first few years, and then would you consider going back to work? Or, do you plan to stay at home, forever...

 

You may also want to consider working part time. Where I work, most women work 2/3/4 days a week and that helps considerably with the home/work balance.

 

I do agree, it is important to put pen to paper. One financial expert advises people to live on a reduced salary for a few months to see if it is feasible. It's one thing to have the "idea" that you want to be a stay at home mother... quite another to actually make it happen.

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Hi!

 

I have known this guy for a year and we have been dating for a couple of months. Everything is going well. When we are together, he makes me feel loved and cared for. He is kind and giving.

 

We recently had a conversation about our priorities and values. It is a priority for me to be a stay at home mom and for him to be the leader/provider. He would like to have a dual income and for me to be more financially independent. I asked him if he would be able to compromise on this, and he said, "no".

 

***Please note, I respect his views and do not want to argue which is more valid. We have a different perspective on this, neither of us are wrong, just different. *****

 

He says he loves me and has never felt a connection like this before. He has asked me to be his girlfriend and says it will be hard, but we can make it work.

 

I am uncertain. Our values and needs do not align. I love him, but I feel we are not compatible. Has anyone ever experienced this before? Any thoughts?

 

Thank you!

 

Remain friends only. You are not ready to be with such a man. If you were you wouldn't have said what you did. You just don't know what the heck you want. You have to work and you don't want too. He told you what he wanted and he said no to you. You don't agree but don't want to argue. Correct not to argue because you will loose the argument with his type. You are not ready to be with his type you want things your way or no way!

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I have nothing to offer on the SAHM topic as I lean too strongly on the other side (ie wouldn't stay at home even if my SO was a millionaire). However I echo the sentiment of those who suggested that you evaluate whether this is a deal breaker.

 

The consensus is that we should never "settle", but finding a decent person you're attracted to is no easy feat. Is this SAHM enough for you to leave a decent person you love to find someone else? What's the likelihood of you finding someone who can (and is willing) to provide for your children, AND you're attracted to/can connect with? Obviously none of us knows the answer, other than you.

 

If it was me, I'd ask myself "Would I be ok being alone forever, or deal with incompatibility X". If it was someone doing hard drugs, being abusive, alcoholic, jobless and not looking, then I'd rather be alone forever and the answer is pretty straightforward. If it's someone who I get along really well, but does the occasional marijuana and isn't affected by it at work/in personal life, I'd have a very hard time weighing the pros and cons.

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RecentChange

Personally, I would consider this a deal breaker.

 

You have very different goals, and views of what the future should look like. I don’t think either of you would be happy bending on this.

 

Would you be HAPPY to be a working mom or resentful? Would he be happy to support you single handedly, or resentful?

 

I think you know the answer.

 

I don’t want kids. I have always known I didn’t want kids. Its not something I can compromise or bend on – so for me, its something I have brought up early in relationships, and it has caused some heartache as I have had to let someone go – because he did want kids. Our goals did not align, so we set each other free.

 

I know you don’t want the “debate” but to counter many replies here, I know a good number of stay at home moms. Actually, out of my friends, most of the mothers don’t work, or at least didn’t until their kids were older (10+). Yes, their husbands do make a pretty penny (single income in the bay area is tough) but they have the means that mom staying at home is not a problem.

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