LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Dating

New to Dating...


Dating Dating, courting, or going steady? Things not working out the way you had hoped? Stand up on your soap box and let us know what's going on!

Like Tree17Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 25th August 2017, 9:56 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3,577
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quagmire243 View Post
So I still haven't done it. She has posted on Facebook about being in and out of the hospital so that is throwing me off. She is off the schedule for the foreseeable future so I would have to imagine it is pretty serious. On top of that, I go in for surgery myself in two weeks. She may not be well enough to go out and I will be having my issues shortly, so what do I do? I'm assuming she's coming back to work at some time. She is still employed there. I'm guessing I can lay down the groundwork and ask how she is doing but how do I, or should I, advance that to a date?
Well, I think you just don't have enough info at this point. You just need to change your objective slightly. From: get a date with her (which is still on the long-term agendga) To: show concern for this girl you care about (i.e. very helpful to keep laying the foundation in order to ask her out AND have her say yes).

It's awful that she is in and out of the hospital (dating is likely low on the priority list for her now). However, it is a bit of a blessing in disguise for your connection with her. Basically, with what you have posted back and forth with us, I think jumping straight to asking her out would scare the sh*t out of you and might be clunky and awkward (potential for backfire). Because of this you can still take smaller, more comfortable for you steps toward that goal and how is reacting to you will help you feel more comfortable, get more information about her, her likes, build the connection, etc. Plus to show real concern in this moment takes your connection away from work related stuff and she will see you as a caring guy and that is bound to really make an impact at this moment. Also if she is hung up in bed or something like that, you definitely can brighten her day with little texts, FB messages, emails and it will build the connection for the both of you.

Please message her. It would be good for you AND she's a human and your friend who hasn't been doing well. Just say: I haven't seen you around and understand without knowing much detail that you've been in the hospital. I was thinking about you and hope you are ok. Then end with a question or something cute that you have discussed before--maybe a remark about something she is NOT missing at work lol. That will give her something to respond to that is lighthearted or between you two. Put the immediate need of wanting to date her to the back of your mind for the moment--build a connection and see what info she offers up as to when she is going to be better, if she offers it up at all. If something very serious is going on or if she is really private, she may not want to discuss that but will welcome the distraction of non-serious things from a guy she cares about.

Also if you keep chatting back and forth--it's the perfect way to ask her out--you could say at some point "well, when you are feeling better/up to it, we can go do xyz". Whatever activity is mentioned or would seem appropriate to mention. Easy if she mentioned gross hospital food (a restaurant or her favorite type of food) or if she mentions not being able to do physical activity (a physical activity that's enjoyable for two). And/or you could swing the discussion to things to keep her entertained (a new netflix suggestion, a book, a magazine, contraband items you could drop by). Be cheeky, flirtatious. What starts out as genuine concern and comes from that place will definitely give you MANY opportunities to get closer to her. Some of which you can act on right away (even something as small as sending her funny memes or links to funny videos or you tubes online) and some set the stage for a date down the road. Easy. You owe it to her as a friend to check in on her. (this doesn't mean you are friend zoned at all but it is the basis of how you know each other).
__________________
Everybody's like: He's no item,Please don't like em, He don't wife em, He one nights em,I never listened No. I shoulda figured though. All that sh*t you was spittin',So unoriginal, But it was you. So I was with it. Then tell you the truth, Wish we never did it. If you was really the realest, Wouldn't be fightin' it.I think your pride is just...In the way
Versacehottie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2017, 10:08 AM   #17
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
I finally messaged her on Facebook. It took awhile but I needed to resolve some other issues first. Losing 300 pounds does not come without consequences. I ended up with a lot of excess skin. My stomach was hanging and it basically looked like I was wearing an inter tube. I had to wear baggy clothes so I was still not confident in my body. Anyways, I had surgery to remove the excess and lost another 20 pounds in the process. The recovery was long and I had fluid drains for a month and swelling. I pretty much missed the entire month of September.

With that having been done, I decided to update my profile pic so she can see the improvements. Last time we saw each other in person was March and that's about the last time I updated my profile pic. I've also remembered in the past she react to posts about guys with beards so I decided to grow one for the first time ever. I got some new clothes and can finally show off my trim waist and updated my profile pic on Tuesday so she can see the updated version.

I messaged yesterday. She said she was off work due to family leave. I didn't pry what it was since it really isn't relevant. I think by some of her previous posts I have an idea. Anyways, she seemed excited to hear from me. She said she is returning to work on Monday and will be in office and asked me to come in. I then pivoted to getting together like we were before. She didn't acknowledge it but continued to chat with me. We chatted back and forth for awhile to well past Midnight. She commented that "You're too funny" as it was mostly inside jokes. She stated several times I should come in Monday and sit next to her. Monday I can't come in but she will be in all week so I will need to come up with an excuse to have to go in next week. Even though she didn't say anything about getting together, I feel it was a productive chat. Knowing she will be back to work soon is a relief. Hopefully I can see her in person and seal the deal. That's where I may struggle.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 19th October 2017, 5:16 PM   #18
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
Our company is expanding but we apparently are not going to expand the office space so a lot of employees are being sent home and only a few desks being saved. Apparently the available desks are reserved next week so I don't have a chance to go in. I may trying flipping my circuit breakers and saying I lost power and try to force my way in. Other option would be to try to continue the momentum through our work messenger.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2017, 12:17 AM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3,577
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quagmire243 View Post
Our company is expanding but we apparently are not going to expand the office space so a lot of employees are being sent home and only a few desks being saved. Apparently the available desks are reserved next week so I don't have a chance to go in. I may trying flipping my circuit breakers and saying I lost power and try to force my way in. Other option would be to try to continue the momentum through our work messenger.
Cool. And the new "you" is not acting timid. I can "hear" it in both posts, especially this one. That's a great thing. you will do fine. Good luck
Versacehottie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 20th October 2017, 7:48 PM   #20
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
I will still need to be able to get it done in person. I still struggle with small talk. My finger hovered over the send button on my first message for about 15 minutes. After she replied, I was able to relax and get into conversation. It's easier texting because I have time to think out my responses.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd October 2017, 9:29 AM   #21
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
My new found confidence seems to be short lived. I keep getting these mood swings where I feel very confident and then I come crashing down. She updated her picture on Facebook and I'm reminded again how attractive she is and why she would want to be with someone who once weighed about 500 pounds. Then the dozens of comments from people saying how beautiful she is. There were literally more comments saying how pretty she is than I have total friends. I try to remind myself that she was the one who first approached me about meeting up outside of work so there must be mutual interest. Even if I reaching dating status, I'm a 32 year old with the dating skills of a 13 year old. Sometimes I wish she never approached me so hopes wouldn't have gotten up but at this point I guess I have to try.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd October 2017, 12:23 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3,577
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quagmire243 View Post
My new found confidence seems to be short lived. I keep getting these mood swings where I feel very confident and then I come crashing down. She updated her picture on Facebook and I'm reminded again how attractive she is and why she would want to be with someone who once weighed about 500 pounds. Then the dozens of comments from people saying how beautiful she is. There were literally more comments saying how pretty she is than I have total friends. I try to remind myself that she was the one who first approached me about meeting up outside of work so there must be mutual interest. Even if I reaching dating status, I'm a 32 year old with the dating skills of a 13 year old. Sometimes I wish she never approached me so hopes wouldn't have gotten up but at this point I guess I have to try.
well i think you should get some more dating and flirting skills on some people where the level of investment is lower/risk is lower. Like this would be a great time to use an app and go on some dates or go on some meet ups and just practice getting to know some girls and use & develop your skills in communicating and flirting with the opposite sex. In the meantime, keep your convos going with the girl from work and as your confidence grows in your life in total, you should be able to transfer some of that to your interactions with her. On top of that, interactions with other girls who maybe only "see" you as you are now will help you accept who you are now and build your confidence.

I personally think that one of the biggest mistakes people can make whether it comes to dating, job search, sports, whatever is to have a big goal (like making this girl your gf) and then expect yourself to be on A-game without practice--not to mention your nerves will be higher with any interaction with your top goal (like this girl) because you personally have placed a lot of importance on it. Not to say that the "practice" girls are throw away because #1 I don't think you treat people like that and because #2 you never know what can happen in terms of romances with other women & just friendships/expanding your social circle and getting more social experience. This is important.

BTW, i think your work crush girl places a lot of importance on social media--it's pretty normal that a girl will do that more than ANY guy, that it will often be centered around a selfie or pic where they are congratulated on their looks and may be something she seeks to an extent as somewhat of a social butterfly and for validation in general. All of this doesn't make you "less" just because you can't keep up with that. Most guys don't make that the focus of their social media anyway. If anything use it as an opportunity so you also can tell her some flattering comment! That's what she is looking for! In life, one of the biggest mistakes is to not play your "best game" for fear that others are doing better, will do better. You have to believe that you are special in some way and that the right person will recognize it. Also be careful that you are not putting her on a pedestal (getting into dangerous territory with that). She seems like she flirts with you--only time will tell what her intentions are behind that. And also NOTHING is fixed. Outcomes in life CHANGE based on what you and she put into it along the way (good and bad). Believing that it is a "fixed" outcome (i.e. does she like me or not, what are her intentions with me) gives her all the power and doesn't really inspire you to do your best knowing "her intentions" can change/solidify based on her interactions with you and so on and so forth. I feel like a lot of people with lower self-esteem believe this. You will see it rampant on this board if you read others threads about their dating dilemmas--believing that the other person's intentions are a fixed commodity. Not True!!

They say that sometimes (a lot of the time?) with a large weight loss that the mind takes a while to catch up to the new body with regards to what you feel like and your confidence. Some people say this is the hardest part and something they were not expecting at all. Give yourself a break knowing this phenomena and at the same time make a conscious effort to address building up your self-esteem in concrete, action-oriented ways. Good luck!!
JuneL likes this.
Versacehottie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 22nd October 2017, 2:57 PM   #23
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
I did try online dating. After that bowling outing in March, I became more active on online dating because I was assured I blew it. I messaged over 200 women. I got about 4 responses. Only one led to more messages but not much came of it. I asked her to meet up and she agreed. I suggested a place and a time and she quit responding. When I thought this woman at work was fired and not returning, it really hit me hard. When I started online dating, I knew she would be available at work and I would still have a chance to talk with her and maybe something happening. Then when she was gone I was devastated I missed my shot.

I tend to find I get along with women better than men. I do talk to women frequently at work. My issue always seems to be bonding with people and building a friendship. I get along with everybody. It even says so on my employee evaluation. There is another get together coming up in November. Looks to be about 10 or so people. This woman won't be there but I suppose it will help me be more social. There will be some co-workers I know she is close with outside of work so I suppose it wouldn't hurt to try to build a better relationship with them.

Regarding her Facebook picture, I understand the difference between a woman and man posting their pic online. I would be creeped out if people commented on my pic looking beautiful. I guess it seemed to reaffirm that I am so far behind her in social skills.

The weight issue is more that it robbed me of learning how to date and socialize. I also had a rough high school experience. With this skin surgery, my body is close to where I want it to be and I no longer need to lose weight. I ended up going a little crazy buying new clothes and ended up buying 20 shirts and 9 paid of pants. Not to mention 3 pair of shoes and 3 belts. I do feel comfortable showing off my new waist. I still have a skin issue on my arms and have to wear either long sleeve shirts or 3/4 sleeve shirts.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th October 2017, 6:32 PM   #24
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
I pretty much expected it, but she has basically been unavailable at work. A lot has changed since she was gone so she is pretty much in catch up mode. I didn't try very hard to go in since it would be unlikely we would get a chance to meet. My new plan of attack is to message her next week and see how things are going and take it from there.

I updated my pictures on some online dating sites. My heart just isn't in it right now so I haven't been messaging any women. I had 200 messages and almost no responses. I'm guessing I'll need to work on my profile as well. I can keep working on the woman from work. It wouldn't be the worst thing if we became better friends.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2017, 5:55 PM   #25
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
Well just like that she is gone again. Obviously she has some issues going on in her life. I'm guessing this just isn't the right time. Even if it were a good time, my opportunity was last year and I missed it.

I've decided once I get clearance from doctor, to see about working with a personal trainer and adding some more muscle as I may have lost too much weight. Goal is to train this winter and possibly join an adult softball or basketball league in the summer. I suppose it would be a good way to interact with people and try to build social skills. Also starting January I'm going to switch psychiatrists as I don't feel my current one is helpful.

There is a planned work event with maybe no matter than 10 people. I was thinking about going but I'm not sure. Part of my new plan to be more social is I need to be more assertive. I have always been the agreeable one because I wanted people to like me but they probably never respected me. Even if I was overcharged for something at a store, I wouldn't say anything. I also understand women like men who are more assertive. I started being more assertive at work and it's caused a little friction. This person will be at this event and she's close with the woman I like at work. I'm debating now on going. I don't want her to think I've turned into a jerk and pass it on to the woman I like. At the same time, I have to learn how to be more assertive but maintain positive relationships.

I also want to start back online dating but I'm not sure what to do. I sent out about 200 emails with about 4 responses. I gather it's either my profile is bad, my email is bad, or I'm just not attractive. I think it's a combination of all three. I also have to get over this issue I have with talking to people face to face. I'm fine doing it via text but in person my personality is completely different. That's what I fear with online dating. I also have the dating skills of a 13 year old. Women dating a man in his 30's are probably going to expect someone more experienced. It's hard to project confidence when you have no experience.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 7:45 PM   #26
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
I was in the office this past week. She was originally off to take care of her father. It sounds as though he has now died which is why she is off again. She will be returning. Her mother lives out of the country and she will be working in the office for awhile so she isn't only. Given this information, probably isn't appropriate to try to get a date. Being that she will be in the office for the foreseeable future, I'm sure out paths will cross. Not sure how to exactly handle this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know this information as I overheard it. She has been unusually silent on Facebook. I have started the online dating. That hasn't gone well. I looked at a few profiles and even women I'm not interested in are blocking me after merely viewing their profile. I still want to keep the door open for the woman at work whenever she is ready. I'm not sure when that will be or how to even tell. At any rate, my chance was probably last year and this is just desperation now. I still want to work online dating while seeing what happens with the woman at work. My profile apparently needs some work.
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 8:54 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 3,577
Quote:
Originally Posted by Quagmire243 View Post
I was in the office this past week. She was originally off to take care of her father. It sounds as though he has now died which is why she is off again. She will be returning. Her mother lives out of the country and she will be working in the office for awhile so she isn't only. Given this information, probably isn't appropriate to try to get a date. Being that she will be in the office for the foreseeable future, I'm sure out paths will cross. Not sure how to exactly handle this. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to know this information as I overheard it. She has been unusually silent on Facebook. I have started the online dating. That hasn't gone well. I looked at a few profiles and even women I'm not interested in are blocking me after merely viewing their profile. I still want to keep the door open for the woman at work whenever she is ready. I'm not sure when that will be or how to even tell. At any rate, my chance was probably last year and this is just desperation now. I still want to work online dating while seeing what happens with the woman at work. My profile apparently needs some work.
Glad you are going to join the athletic leagues. I know that will be really great for you. And getting a trainer is awesome. Basically all this stuff will help you build your confidence--not only make you look better. And i'm glad you are taking proactive steps to switch therapists. It's funny as an outsider looking in I see that you are making lots of progress. I know it might not feel that way to you because you are with yourself every day and want things to change in your social life and of course that desire is pretty immediate. Give yourself a break and take a look at how far you've come and most of the time you don't seem too discouraged. Stick with that feeling. It's impressive what you've done. You are totally changing your life and that's a big task. I hope you get some good tips on your profile--maybe start another thread about that specifically. Lots of people have done that here and gotten some good feedback.

I think online dating can be brutal and discouraging some of the time so make sure that you don't let it affect your positive momentum overall.

About the girl at work: yeah if her dad died she is probably not in the best place to be dating at this very moment. I think you overthink things about her too much. try not to put so much emphasis on what you do and think about her. It's too much pressure on you and it's something she will feel too most likely in one way or another. You need to level the playing field to have a better chance with her, i.e. no pedestals. You are like equals--otherwise why would someone date someone who is not their equal.

So yes go to the work party and yes absolutely reach out and say you heard her father passed away and offer condolences. If you care about someone and are friends, these are normal things to do. You just need to take it back to that level in your head so that you don't worry that you can't say "sorry your dad passed away". It's normal that you would have heard this at work or through colleagues. It's normal to acknowledge it. I worry that you are putting so much emphasis on her that you might be devastated if it doesn't work out. In a way, you are both consumed by her and paralyzed to make a move. Since you don't have much experience, many guys don't make one huge leap to asking someone out but actually do a series of small steps. IMO, this is the best thing to do, especially for you. Like you have to do the flirting and connecting with her in small ways to gauge her interest and BUILD her interest. Not just jump to "hey you want to go on a date". Much of the time that stuff is jarring when there has been no build up and especially in a work situation. Anyway, my two cents. good luck
Versacehottie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old Yesterday, 10:29 PM   #28
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 18
I'm hoping I can afford a trainer. I have knee problems that were made worse by the weight. My knee has a tendency to give out and I was advised to try strengthening it. Hopefully that works out and I can play softball.

This is the first time I had a crush on someone that wasn't married or a celebrity and who may actually like me. Quite honestly, I don't know how to flirt or what exactly flirting consists of. I'll have to look at re-creating my online profile from scratch. I don't have any good pics and basically use my tripod to take pics of myself.

Last edited by Quagmire243; Yesterday at 10:32 PM..
Quagmire243 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Odds Favor White Men, Asian Women online dating and off line dating. Krieger Dating 198 20th July 2015 3:32 PM
Multiple Dating (multi-dating, circular dating) Gary S Dating 21 11th March 2015 1:31 AM
Lds mormon marriage questions dating. Dating canada indian dating. unsedsild Cheating, Flirting, and Jealousy 0 27th March 2011 1:20 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:22 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.