Bipolar disorder...

[papayagirl]

So I went on a date with a guy this past Monday and we liked each other, slept together, and he came on VERY strong very fast. I’m talking, say he would be “all mine if I wanted”, telling me he never felt like it worked so quickly with someone, telling me he was determined to make me his, all of it, telling me was “falling so ****ing hard for me”, you name it he probably said it. We originally had plans to see each other Saturday, but on Tuesday he said “I really wish I could see you sooner but it’s probably not going to work that way right?”. So I said I could come over Friday after work. Then on Thursday, after a morning of more sweet talking, he said “I wish I could see you tonight. I’m having a ****ty day.”. When I asked what was wrong he said he was “feeling depressed for no reason really”. So I went over after hanging out with my friends. Yesterday morning, he again told me how hard he was falling and said “I really want to ask you to be my girlfriend”. To which I told him we could exclusively see each other. (but didnt really accept the girlfriend part). He sent me all these texts about how happy he was, how lucky he was to have me, etc.

 

Then the bomb dropped.

 

He texts me at 5:30 saying “I have to be honest with you. I know I’m super romantic and genuinely care for you already but all of this scares me”

 

I asked him what he was scared of and if he would like to talk on the phone.

 

He was at a open mic and was about to play, so he couldnt. I said ok, we’ll talk when I get there tonight. He replied with “What I’ve been saying and doing is by no means or stretch of the imagination an act, but I need you to know I’m cripplingly bipolar and its very easy for me to run away in two seconds” and then said “I’m feeling really weird about you coming over tonight. I hate feeling like I’m losing my space or identity”.

 

At this point I stressed how this really should be an in person conversation, and he said “Could we do tomorrow? I really just wanna play and go to sleep. I feel like actual human trash” I asked what time, and still have no answer.

 

I feel so hurt and also just shell shocked. HOW can someone say all this stuff all week and then do a complete 360? It’s not like I was the one coming on strong, I was only reciprocating what he was giving me. Please help me try to process this.

 

ETA: He is type 2, and not medicated. He “manages it through diet and exercise”

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It seems to me that coming on strong/putting the cart before the horse might be one way his bi-polar disorder presents. And that he knows this. Doesn't mean he doesn't like you, but maybe he felt himself getting carried away "like he always does." (my words/assumption)

[carhill]

If you like rollercoasters, an unmedicated BP2 is quite a ride. I've been around the disease enough in life, and more serious mental disorders/illnesses, that I wouldn't personally touch a patient as a potential romantic partner with a ten foot pole. However, younger people with more stamina and reproductive desire certainly may and do feel differently.

 

Brain diseases like BP2 never go away. They're there until death. Up to you.

[BaileyB]

He did this because he is... Bipolar.

 

Even when someone who is not bipolar love bombs another person, it is a BIG RED FLAG. This is even more worrisome because he is bipolar - unmedicated.

 

You need to let this one go... He will cause you a lifetime of stress...

 

And if I may, perhaps you need to take a little more time and learn more about the next guy before you get too far ahead of yourself and sleep with him... a little more due diligence is a good thing...

[rightondude]

I didn't think bipolar was caused by diet and lack of exercise; either way it doesn't sound like that's doing the trick if this is how he manages it. I'd say you advise he get checked out if he wants to be with you. Think of how this stuff will sound 6 months to a year down the road.

[lana-banana]

He is either legitimately bipolar and not managing it well, or he's lying (believe me, people are incredibly creative when they want to avoid hurting others' feelings). But you know what? It doesn't matter. He doesn't want to be with you and that is all you need to know. Wish him well and be grateful you got out of this before you got too invested.

[smackie9]

I'm going to tell you straight out....run for the frickin hills. In no way is he "managing" his illness. The warning sign....he's extremely co-dependent. Red flags are all over it.

 

If you invest, be prepared for a roller coaster ride of your life because there is no controlling or fixing to what is going to happen.

[BaileyB]

I didn't think bipolar was caused by diet and lack of exercise; either way it doesn't sound like that's doing the trick if this is how he manages it. I'd say you advise he get checked out if he wants to be with you. Think of how this stuff will sound 6 months to a year down the road.

 

It's not caused by diet and exercise... Nor is it treated by diet and exercise (although both are important for good mental health).

 

And he is already demonstrating by his erratic behavior that he is not well managed...

Edited August 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[coolheadal]

So I went on a date with a guy this past Monday and we liked each other, slept together, and he came on VERY strong very fast. I’m talking, say he would be “all mine if I wanted”, telling me he never felt like it worked so quickly with someone, telling me he was determined to make me his, all of it, telling me was “falling so ****ing hard for me”, you name it he probably said it. We originally had plans to see each other Saturday, but on Tuesday he said “I really wish I could see you sooner but it’s probably not going to work that way right?”. So I said I could come over Friday after work. Then on Thursday, after a morning of more sweet talking, he said “I wish I could see you tonight. I’m having a ****ty day.”. When I asked what was wrong he said he was “feeling depressed for no reason really”. So I went over after hanging out with my friends. Yesterday morning, he again told me how hard he was falling and said “I really want to ask you to be my girlfriend”. To which I told him we could exclusively see each other. (but didnt really accept the girlfriend part). He sent me all these texts about how happy he was, how lucky he was to have me, etc.

 

Then the bomb dropped.

 

He texts me at 5:30 saying “I have to be honest with you. I know I’m super romantic and genuinely care for you already but all of this scares me”

 

I asked him what he was scared of and if he would like to talk on the phone.

 

He was at a open mic and was about to play, so he couldnt. I said ok, we’ll talk when I get there tonight. He replied with “What I’ve been saying and doing is by no means or stretch of the imagination an act, but I need you to know I’m cripplingly bipolar and its very easy for me to run away in two seconds” and then said “I’m feeling really weird about you coming over tonight. I hate feeling like I’m losing my space or identity”.

 

At this point I stressed how this really should be an in person conversation, and he said “Could we do tomorrow? I really just wanna play and go to sleep. I feel like actual human trash” I asked what time, and still have no answer.

 

I feel so hurt and also just shell shocked. HOW can someone say all this stuff all week and then do a complete 360? It’s not like I was the one coming on strong, I was only reciprocating what he was giving me. Please help me try to process this.

 

ETA: He is type 2, and not medicated. He “manages it through diet and exercise”

 

How old are you two? Both sound too young to get so serious about anything. He's too concern with online game warfare players than being a romantic type of guy. He doesn't know what he wants yet? You didn't want to go the boyfriend and girlfriend route yet? Then why in the world did you sleep with him in the first place. You allowed all this to happen and he just had his way. Are you sure it wasn't some male ego contest to see if you would put out for him?

 

just this old thing doesn't sound right to me. Bi-polar nearly everyone has it except a few you think they don't. Nearly everyone has mood swings, quick flashes and hot and cold. He having fun with you and not he rather play voice chat with his online buddies about STO, Warships who the heck know these day what they play online.

 

If you stand for this crap then you just as bad as him. He's a jerk and you just allow this to continue on. Just quick while your ahead. Don't you realize he's not really into you just another way to get his groove on and be with with his high priority buddies. Your second to them you know that right? If you don't know that you not working with a full deck yourself. Then you should get out of this mess before it gets out of control. If he was really interested do you think for one minute that the online game world would be so more important than you. So you see he can't even deal with your crap now you sit there wondering and wasting your life over this jerk. Come on get real and get a real guy to want to be with you and don't be so quick jumping these guys bed. Look where it gets you nowhere!

[bluefeather]

Don't walk. Run. He even told you himself he has a serious problem. He is not in a place to have a healthy relationship and you will only get hurt if you continue. And it's a complete "180," not "360."

 

[Cookiesandough]

I agree..run!!! Bipolar(manic depression)is a serious mental illness. This sounds like more than just bipolar. I wonder if he's been actually dx or he's just using that colloquially? Like just saying he's all over the place in his feelings and emotions. Bipolar don't have mood swings every few hour or so. The swings are monthly, typically and they don't manifest themselves like this in most bipolar casr. Read up on bipolar 1 and 2 for more info. Not saying he doesn't have mental illness but a lot of people excuse their crappy behavior towards others by saying they have them

[kendahke]

I just got finished dealing with a man who is bipolar and did the exact same thing this guy did... the guy I was seeing WAS medicated and he still did this. He was living in the future, wanting to be my boyfriend by the end of the first date, talking about moving from where he lives closer to where I live and transferring to a site up by where I live. The whole gamut. It wasn't until the 3rd date when he told me he was bipolar. For me, that put serious brakes on, but for him, he was moving at warp speed.

 

Then one day out of the blue, he calls and says "we're moving too fast". I said "I wasn't moving anywhere--I was watching how far you were going to take things. The minute you said you were bipolar, I put the brakes on, but you're the one who kept going". I made sure he didn't flip the script on me to put on me what was going on in his mind.

 

I'd leave him alone. All this will do is wear you down and age you before your time.

 

You can't process this. You don't have bipolar disorder.

 

Also, this isn't a diet and exercise thing. This is rooted in a chemical imbalance that he doesn't want to take medication for.

[carhill]

 

I'd leave him alone. All this will do is wear you down and age you before your time.

 

You can't process this. You don't have bipolar disorder.

 

Also, this isn't a diet and exercise thing. This is rooted in a chemical imbalance that he doesn't want to take medication for.

 

A male friend, actually my best friend's BIL, had dx'd BP2 for life. He was a great example of what the OP was describing and was sufficiently charming in the manic phase to be married 3 times and was rarely without a girlfriend even though he struggled his whole life to keep a job and maintain solid friendships.

 

I remember one night him snuggling up to my best friend's daughter and hitting on her, in full view of her husband. This guy simply had no boundaries or filters when the disease had him. Other times he was the best friend one could ever wish for. OTOH, he could slam a case of beer and make me feel the need to be armed in case he flipped out.

 

He died of a heart attack on the road with his wife at age 50, driving long haul truck. Fortunately, he didn't die while driving but was able to pull over and get stopped. Left a widow and adult son.

 

As someone not afflicted it's hard for us to understand since we can't read minds, only process actions through our own experience.

 

Good point on the aging thing. When I was caregiving for a psychotic, I seriously thought it would kill me. When we were in MC, my now exW suggested to the psychologist that I was depressed. He stated he saw signs of depression but that it was situational to caregiving and not pervasive and organic. MC helped with processing and, indeed, after we divorced and my mom died, I was back to what I would term to be normal. During, it often felt like death. Headaches, physical ailments, depressed immune system, etc.

 

The cool thing is the OP has no ties to the person in question here, no emotional or legal attachment as compared to, say, that of the widow in my story above. It's often hard to leave someone you love and are legally bound to. People do it, of course. A famous example is John Nash's wife Alicia, who divorced him due to his schizophrenia but many years later remarried him when the disease was better controlled. No such issues for the OP.

 

Billions of guys on the planet, many single. Trust me, this guy will find someone compatible. OP, you can't 'fix' him. He is as he presents. If that's acceptable, proceed.

[mortensorchid]

I am not sure if his behavior is the direct result of bipolar disorder or not, whether he is medicated or not is not really the issue. He is certainly a player, to be sure. I've known bipolar people (predominantly women but I'm sure I encountered a few men here and there without knowing it), and they all act like they are your best friend, have a certain cuteness about them, prey on certain things about the relationship between you and them, etc. And then they turn on you or abuse you or do something terrible to others. Whatever the case may be, RUN do not walk away from this person. They will go through people like Kleenex, take what they can get, then abuse them. How many times did I take back users before I realized what they were about? This is adulting. Pick friends and lovers like an adult.

[Cookiesandough]

I wanna make a correction since reading up a the diagnostic criteria for BP. It used to be a distinct period elevated, expansive, or irritable mood, lasting throughout at least x days, that is clearly different from the usual nondepressed mood.

 

Now they have amended it(at least from a brief google search , not the most reliable source) not sure if it's reflected in the dsm-5 but there can be more rapid cycling of mood lasting shorter duration(?). I had no clue if true! Have to research more to verify , but I needed to correct what I said for now

Edited August 6, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[carhill]

Rapid cycling is, from my remembrance, more indicative of BP1 than BP2. However, it could be BP2 with co-morbid BPD. The gentleman in my story was clinically diagnosed as BP2 and his swings were pretty methodical and predictable. If he presented depressed today, he wouldn't be manic tomorrow. Same with the reverse. Flips took months and, in between, there were times of apparent normalcy, or at least it appeared so to outsiders. It was during those periods that he made amends for actions during other swings and came across as a good friend. Swings were most noticed when off medications, which was common, and I guess is common, for people who don't like the 'feel' of the medication and, when they feel 'good' they want to be off it. That's very individual. Some go completely unmedicated, some follow it sometimes, some all the time and some attempt to self-medicate with non-pharma. Alcohol and drugs are two common examples. Diet and exercise can be examples as well.

 

OP, can you imagine someone spending a bunch of their valuable life and time trying to figure you out so as to be able to get along with you? I mean compared to someone they don't have to figure out, rather just can be with. That's the process.

 

I found a book that I bought to deal with the spouse of a friend who is also BP2 and IMO presents co-morbid BPD to be very enlightening on dealing with many diseases of the brain in the practical everyday sense. It's called 'Stop Walking on Eggshells'.