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Would this hurt your feelings a little bit?


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Old 5th August 2017, 4:08 AM   #1
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Would this hurt your feelings a little bit?

So this woman I met online. We've had three dates that went well and shes told me shes really enjoyed our time spent together. She's a nurse and works crazy 12 hour shifts on the weekends. She usually texts me around 8 when she gets home from work. Tonight she got home late because of a highway accident, so I checked in to see if she was alright. I noticed she read my text but did not respond. I felt like she was ignoring me or taking her time respond. Whatever, no harm or foul, but it made me curious so I got on that dating site and noticed she was active.
Yes, I know we are not exclusive, but she's told her sister about me and even has used the term "us" a couple of times. We talked on the phone a little later and she said she had a hard day at work but she was not upset or ignoring me. I felt like such an idiot. Earlier in the day I took down my profile on another site, just because I'm not interested in seeing anyone else. I have hopes with this girl, because I really like her. Anyway, a good lesson in putting all your eggs in one basket I guess. Am I wrong to feel a little hurt by this?
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Old 5th August 2017, 4:14 AM   #2
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Ya, that would suck. Feels bad man. It's a clear sign you two are not on the same page. She's not feeling it that much. That's why you shouldn't take down your profile until you've both agreed to be exclusive.
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Old 5th August 2017, 6:06 AM   #3
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I guess : not that into you.
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Old 5th August 2017, 9:02 AM   #4
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She's a nurse and takes care of other people all day long. Not just her patients, but she has to take care of their family members who are concerned, scared, have questions, can be demanding, etc. She has to work with coworkers, doctors, other staff and be "on." Nurses' schedules are long and hard. They have to be on their game, all day. They talk all day. They care for people all day, 12 hours, on their feet.

Give the girl some time to decompress. Probably what she wanted was to not have to do anything for anyone for awhile. She didn't want to talk or text. She didn't want to "take care" of you. She wanted silence. She wanted to peruse her app, maybe FB or DYAC, etc. You have no idea if she was texting anyone on the dating site. You have no idea if she needed to call her sister, respond to text or email of a friend, get the trash out and start some laundry, or just toss out some "likes" on FB, plus, these apps can show you're online, even when you're not, or if on a PC, you leave the window open. You're not exclusive, so let this one go.

I can understand you feeling hurt over this, and she could ultimately not be all that interested, but think about her day and think about if she just needed to not be social for a little while...no interaction with people, even you. You're just in the beginning phase, so try not to read too much into anything or get too attached. One date at a time. Things seem to be going along well with you and her at the moment, and you have no reason to believe this won't continue on the up and up right now. Give her room to be silent after her long shift of taking care of everyone else for 12 hours.
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Old 5th August 2017, 9:14 AM   #5
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Feelings are feelings & if yours are hurt, that is how you feel.

But here's the thing: you made assumptions about the relationship based on how you felt (not wanting to date anybody else) but it doesn't sound like you communicated those intentions to her. While you concluded that you like her & want to move forward, it has only been 3 dates. If you didn't point blank tell her that, how would she know? If she didn't know isn't she free to keep looking for somebody who will give her that.

Since your nose is out of joint, take a deep breath, & then talk to the woman.
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Old 5th August 2017, 9:33 AM   #6
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Only three dates and you want exclusivity? I think it's too soon for that. At three dates, I only know whether or not I want to keep dating someone. Maybe after a few more dates I'd consider asking about being exclusive.

Anyway, you feel how you feel - nothing wrong with that. Expecting someone else to feel the same things on your timeline isn't reasonable. If it happens, great! But at this point, she barely knows anything about you, and may have other prospects she's evaluating. She has options - you should keep yours open, too. Soon, she'll probably decide - and she may choose you. Or she may not - she might not choose anyone, unless she finds a really good match.
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Old 5th August 2017, 9:36 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Feelings are feelings & if yours are hurt, that is how you feel.

But here's the thing: you made assumptions about the relationship based on how you felt (not wanting to date anybody else) but it doesn't sound like you communicated those intentions to her. While you concluded that you like her & want to move forward, it has only been 3 dates. If you didn't point blank tell her that, how would she know? If she didn't know isn't she free to keep looking for somebody who will give her that.

Since your nose is out of joint, take a deep breath, & then talk to the woman.
When we talked last night she was actually really nice and apologized for not texting me and said she had a really hard day. We even made tentative plans to get together this week. At this point isn't it too early to tell her that I don't want to date anyone else? I mean that's just a personal style thing for me. I meet someone I like and I want to focus on that person and see where it goes. If I asked her to be exclusive after only 3 dates wouldn't that scare her off? Anyway, I just joined Match after this whole incident. I guess looking at other profiles will help me get my mind off this a bit and open me up to other people. Even though it's not what I really want
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Old 5th August 2017, 9:39 AM   #8
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It might turn her off but she might be thrilled. I don't know her. You do. What do you think?

Instead of asking her to be exclusive, try telling her that you took down your profiles & ask her how she feels about that. If she looks uncomfortable assure her that she doesn't have to. If she seems enthusiastic, keep talking.
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Old 5th August 2017, 9:47 AM   #9
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It might turn her off but she might be thrilled. I don't know her. You do. What do you think?

Instead of asking her to be exclusive, try telling her that you took down your profiles & ask her how she feels about that. If she looks uncomfortable assure her that she doesn't have to. If she seems enthusiastic, keep talking.
I don't know tbh. She recently got out of a relationship where she found out the guy she was with had a bad drug problem and got really verbally abusive with her. She told me right away that she felt naive and stupid and really needs to be more cautious when dating which I totally understand and respect. I've really made it a point to show my interest, but not get too clingy with her.
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Old 5th August 2017, 10:04 AM   #10
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Good lord I can totally relate to her.....a physically and mentally challenging job, and wasting away in a traffic jam for hours....I would be frazzled too. When I get home from one of those days, I don't answer the phone, I don't message anyone, and I come on here with a can of beer in hand to decompress.

She's still active on the dating site and you took your profile down? you two are on different pages. It is important to pay attention and not over look the red flags. Red flag #1 is that she just got out of a rough relationship. #2 she told you she will be cautious and that is code for "Keeping my options open".

I agree if you want to be exclusively "dating" then you need to ask her about that or anyone you are dating for that matter. If she back peddles then you should stop investing and move on. It's not going to take more time for her to possibly come around, you are just her pitstop.
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Old 5th August 2017, 10:42 AM   #11
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I'd be careful putting yourself out there to women who have a history of being attracted to megalosers Lobus. If she's having that much trouble getting over him then she probably on some level is looking for another drug addled, serial liar loser. It's her type. And even if she can pull herself away from that it won't be a genuine attraction. So she'll probably treat that guy with slight disdain and resentment.

You really don't want to be him. =/ Especially if you're sensitive to slights.
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Old 5th August 2017, 10:46 AM   #12
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I only date one woman at a time and I won't date someone who isn't like-minded. I don't judge them for it but it's just how I operate. I meet someone, give them my full attention for a few dates and see how it goes. I have tried to date multiple women at the same time before and I didn't care for it. I found myself comparing one to the other, scrambling to make time for dates, and it kind of stressed me out. And, I think it's a cautious approach as well. In all reality, I don't know these women I am dating very well. I would hate to have a date get hot and heavy, us be intimate, and find out that she had been sleeping with another guy at that time. That isn't about me being jealous; it's about me not wanting to contract a friggin' disease.

This is how I would approach your situation. I would ask her for "exclusivity" for a little while and go from there. I wouldn't approach her about her being active on OLD as that is just a mess. I know from experience.
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Old 5th August 2017, 11:08 AM   #13
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I only date one woman at a time and I won't date someone who isn't like-minded. I don't judge them for it but it's just how I operate. I meet someone, give them my full attention for a few dates and see how it goes. I have tried to date multiple women at the same time before and I didn't care for it. I found myself comparing one to the other, scrambling to make time for dates, and it kind of stressed me out. And, I think it's a cautious approach as well. In all reality, I don't know these women I am dating very well. I would hate to have a date get hot and heavy, us be intimate, and find out that she had been sleeping with another guy at that time. That isn't about me being jealous; it's about me not wanting to contract a friggin' disease.

This is how I would approach your situation. I would ask her for "exclusivity" for a little while and go from there. I wouldn't approach her about her being active on OLD as that is just a mess. I know from experience.
Would I just tell her, hey I like you, let's see how this works out before we go out with someone else?. Also, could it be possible she is browsing the site and messaging people but not going out on dates?
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Old 5th August 2017, 11:13 AM   #14
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Would I just tell her, hey I like you, let's see how this works out before we go out with someone else?. Also, could it be possible she is browsing the site and messaging people but not going out on dates?
Doesn't matter if she is or not... still means she is keeping her options open.

To answer your question....my feelings wouldn't be hurt, I would just feel disappointed. I wouldn't waste anymore of my time on this one tbh.
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Old 5th August 2017, 11:33 AM   #15
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Would I just tell her, hey I like you, let's see how this works out before we go out with someone else?. Also, could it be possible she is browsing the site and messaging people but not going out on dates?
That is how I would go about it.

"I've really enjoyed the dates we've had and I'd like it if we could agree to just date each other for a little while to see how it works out?" If she agrees, FANTASTIC. If not, I would just move on.

It really doesn't matter one way or another; she's still showing interest in dating other people if she's active on the OLD sites.

Bear in mind that this is one of the pitfalls of OLD. It's much easier for people to multi-date via OLD than it is in RL. I can honestly say I have never been out with a multi-dater that I met in RL. But, I ran into my fair share when using OLD.
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