Feeling tired and lost interest after fight with bf

[Fruitee]

Bf and I have been in serious relationship bit over 6 months before that we were dating for couple of months, I think. We have had some fights as all couples have but this time I feel different.

 

Usually after our fights we take time to cool off and then discuss and move on. Im not talking about fights regarding dishes or what not but things on more fundamental level.

 

He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me and he has decided to be with me. And we have lovely time together.

 

We dont fight that often. Or I dont know whats often. Maybe once in couple of months. So its like 1 day of being sad and then back at it.

 

But this time I just feel so tired, depressed, like I cannot trust him and I almost feel like I lost interest on him and in our relationship. I feel annoyed by him because of some of the things he said. I feel like I could just sleep and I have zero motivation to do anything.

 

I dont know whats my question here. But is it normal to feel like this? Back of my mind I sense I dont want to break up.

 

Pls dont comment on how it is or isnt usual to fight at this early. More like on this feeling I have.

 

When we met it was so magical and we were both very attracted to each other and it is super passionate relationship that we have.

 

But Im starting to wonder if its right for me after all since Im now feeling like this. Or is it usual for body and mind to need rest after dramatic fighting?

[mikeylo]

What are you guys fighting about that it is so exhausting?

 

Its normal to feel tired after all this as its emotionally draining.But at the same time, if it feels a loss in interest in the relationship then I guess its time to reevaluate.

[Fruitee]

All kinds of things. Mostly future related I think. We both have high level jobs with plenty of other issues as well e.g. family members are sick and all of this just feels like too much. I just want to be in peace and not have extra stress from my relationship too.

[basil67]

I feel like you're wanting permission to leave. If you've had enough and just want to walk away, then that's fine. Do it and don't look back. But if you want to make it work, the things which are going wrong for you really must be dealt with.

 

First things first, there is a difference between fighting and trying to fix a problem. All couples come up against and work to fix problems. When you've got a problem to fix, you both talk about it. You both express how you feel and you listen to the other. Then you work together to find a solution. But when you're fighting, it's just two people pushing their viewpoint and not working to listen or solve the problem.

 

So what's going on here? What issues are so important to each of you that you just rant at each other without listening or working together to find common ground?

[mikeylo]

All kinds of things. Mostly future related I think. We both have high level jobs with plenty of other issues as well e.g. family members are sick and all of this just feels like too much. I just want to be in peace and not have extra stress from my relationship too.

 

Well, these issues are not at all related to your relationship.

 

You need to learn to separate these from your relationship.

[d0nnivain]

If you no longer trust him, what's the point?

 

You said you have a high level job. Use the higher reasoning you apply daily at work. What is the cost/benefit of staying?

[act00]

Maybe you're subconsciously recognizing this relationship is not sustainable long-term, so physically it's taking a toll. It's really hard to say what the issue is on vague information and a stranger on the internet, but if you're not connecting on "fundamentals," lifestyle, values, etc., it's not a good foundation. You state you lost trust, and that's a big deal. The question is what he did to break that trust or if you're being "unreasonable." Dishes and what direction the toilet paper roll goes can turn into major issues when the larger issues aren't resolved or cannot be agreed upon.

 

Six months is one of those phases where you determine if this relationship can go further or if it's time to cut your losses and move on. It's like the seven-year itch...where do you go now and is it something you can work through? So early in a relationship, you question if it should be this hard.

 

I don't know what he said that were annoying or hurtful. Words take longer to heal from and there's always a grain of truth behind them. If he's insulting and/or cruel, don't even continue. I'm not kidding. It won't go away. I married one, and it didn't change and got more vile.

 

You need some serious re-evaluation on this relationship. It hurts, but you may be in that place where you have to decide if you can maintain this long-term. How bad will it be when you're living together, married, babies, mortgage, braces, bills?

[OatsAndHall]

It's hard for me to provide much advice given the lack of detail pertaining to what you two have been arguing over and how veracious the fights actually get. Or why you have lost trust in him.

 

But, I would suggest that you try to learn how to communicate in a more effective manner before you call the whole relationship off. I understand that you are feeling emotionally exhausted at this point but you just had the latest fight and you might not be in the most rational state of mind.

 

Many of the the things couples fight over really are minute in the grand scheme of a relationship, when you you take a step back to think about it. It is generally the way the issue is addressed that causes it to brew into a fight. But, you two are already a step a head of most people as you've recognized that you need to cool off when things get too heated.

 

Always remember that we are genetically predisposed to be reactive in times of stress, versus proactive. Something stressful pops up, the "caveman" part of our brain kicks in (fight or flight), dumps adrenal hormones into our system and the rational centers of our brains take a nap. And, you both have high-level jobs and I imagine you're already under stress which just makes things worse.

 

But, I do empathize with your situation. I was in a long relationship where my ex and I fought continually (once per month would have been a GOOD period for us). In the end, it left me emotionally drained and resentful. I was no angel in the situation as was reactive on many occasions. But, I worked on communicating better while she didn't.

[Fruitee]

Thanks for answering.

 

I told him something about my past which he used in our fight. So I feel like I cannot trust him details of myself which he could use later on against me.

 

We do talk and try to find ways to fix our issues. He has done lot of work to make sure our relationship works.

 

I know work / family issues arent relationship issues per se but then again they are if they affect the quality of the relationship.

 

Also I have this problem of thinking most of the fault is in him. It is difficult for me to hear critisism and complaints. Sometimes I feel like martyr. I dont like it. But also I feel like I havent done anything wrong.

[Fruitee]

I think I am feeling tired of it all because of the future aspect. I dont know if this relationship has long term potential because of these issues.

[Versacehottie]

Well, these issues are not at all related to your relationship.

 

You need to learn to separate these from your relationship.

 

Well at first I was going to say based on your 2nd explanation (not OP which was really vague as to the reason you fight) that you are just overwhelmed. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Now in a later point you explain more of the fighting and I think there is probably more to tell. It's sounding like you are generally overwhelmed in life AND then there are problems with your bf that relate to trust.

 

Trust doesn't just mean he won't cheat on you--it also means he will treat you fairly and digging up old info to use it again chips away at trust, makes you not feel close with him or that you can tell him things. And if you can't do that really what is the point of being in a relationship? Also I know you are being vague about the actual issues but wondering if maybe because of your "life" situations, you have leaned on each other and supported each other and now that he is bringing up stuff against you, you feel like you have no support and thus the appeal of him is gone. Makes me wonder if the PRIMARY appeal was the mutual support and there wasn't much attraction or interest otherwise, like it was just convenient. Is that possible? Anyway, there is a lot more to figure out. I wouldn't make any sudden decisions but you need to explore your feelings more. Good luck

[Fruitee]

Well at first I was going to say based on your 2nd explanation (not OP which was really vague as to the reason you fight) that you are just overwhelmed. It sounds like you have a lot going on. Now in a later point you explain more of the fighting and I think there is probably more to tell. It's sounding like you are generally overwhelmed in life AND then there are problems with your bf that relate to trust.

 

-- Makes me wonder if the PRIMARY appeal was the mutual support and there wasn't much attraction or interest otherwise, like it was just convenient. Is that possible? Anyway, there is a lot more to figure out. I wouldn't make any sudden decisions but you need to explore your feelings more. Good luck

 

No. We were very attracted to each other and clicked straight away.

 

But very good answer and gave me lot to think about.

[Fruitee]

--

 

First things first, there is a difference between fighting and trying to fix a problem. All couples come up against and work to fix problems. When you've got a problem to fix, you both talk about it. You both express how you feel and you listen to the other. Then you work together to find a solution. But when you're fighting, it's just two people pushing their viewpoint and not working to listen or solve the problem.

 

So what's going on here? What issues are so important to each of you that you just rant at each other without listening or working together to find common ground?

 

Actually decided to do this yesterday.

 

I wrote down in piece of paper the stuff that was bothering me and how to find possible solutions.

 

Then when bf came to my place I went through the list and we talked.

 

He said he understands my point of view and really wants to make it work.

 

So I guess we are now going to the right direction.

[Fruitee]

If you no longer trust him, what's the point?

 

You said you have a high level job. Use the higher reasoning you apply daily at work. What is the cost/benefit of staying?

 

Well of course there are many benefits and reasons to stay. Like love, caring for each other, companionship, sex, financial side, to have someone, to have someone to share life with, to have someone to travel with, we have fun together, similar sense of humour, to feel loved and have sense and purpose through relationship. You know.

 

Ofc the fighting is taking a toll on us. But when we dont fight it is good, so good.

[Fruitee]

I didnt really want to disclose the stuff we fight about because it would have shifted the talk and answers towards those issues instead of how I was feeling.

 

But I did understood now why I am feeling like this and we managed to talk. I am not sure yet how it will end up.

 

Main issue is him being more liberal than I am. Im more on the conservative side on certain things e.g. recreational drugs and drinking alcohole than he is. Its long thing to explain with things related to my childhood and so on.

 

We both understand each other and have found solutions and compromises but ofc we still fight about it. And there are some other stuff too. That causes these fights. Like money.