Dating guy who moved & wanted me to visit, but seems he's lost interest? Should I ask

[GirlWithQuestion]

Background

I'm 25/F and he's 29/M. Dated a great guy I knew for a year for about two months starting in April. I initially wanted to be non-exclusive because I was hesitant, and was also going through some personal things I wanted to fix first. Nonetheless, we get along wonderfully together (interests, sex, humor, conversation, hanging out, texting and talking, goals, etc.). We are different in some ways (notably: I am a planner, he is terrible at making and sticking to plans, I will initiate new activities/hobbies and he will go along with but not initiate new activities/hobbies, I am less emotional but more expressive while he is more emotional and less expressive), but we like the **** out of each other (in his drunkenness once, he let "love" slip out). Fast forward to early June, where he gets a job offer from family to move across the country at the end of the month. I was happy for him and I understood why he took it (we both lamented about how we hated our jobs, salary was higher, moving costs paid for). But I was also very sad, as we only reconnected two months before, he was moving to a place I'd always wanted to move (timing, ugh!), and I felt like I was losing the opportunity for not only a relationship, but a good friendship. We talked about how we felt, and while we were both sad about leaving each other, we agreed neither of us wanted to do a LDR, and so we basically landed on: always keeping in touch (even in years to come), not putting our separate lives on hold for each other, and visiting. Now that last one is why I'm posting.

 

Problem

When he first told me about the offer, he asked if I would visit him for my birthday (which is 2 months from today), and I agreed - excitedly, but also hesitantly. I was hesitant because although he mentioned it numerous times and told me he'd thought about the logistics and has looked at flights - like I said - he's not a planner and I was worried that with the distance and new job, he'd change his mind. I expressed this to him, and he said he was relieved that I was still up for it, and that he didn't think he would change his mind. Fast forward to 3 weeks ago: he lives in a very suburban, family area with not a lot of people his age, with his extended family temporarily about a 10min walk from work (he does not want a car, and you need a car there if you want to leave a 5 block radius, haha). He spends a lot of time with them, and is learning the new job. Despite this, we texted often, and he was his usual flirty self, it was almost like he didn't leave - we even FaceTimed even though he doesn't like it. However, ever since about a week ago, the texts dropped significantly and suddenly. I haven't heard from him in almost a week, and this is with no obvious reason - I don't think I did or said anything wrong. I replied to a text he sent me, and that was it - no reply (it wasn't somethinf that necessitated a reply, but still). Now I know that he moved, he's busy learning the job, we're not in a relationship, we haven't seen each other, etc. but I can't help but be sad and worried that his interest in me has dwindled. And I *know* that this is possible, that he might have met someone else, that maybe he doesn't see a reason to text consistently from across the country, etc. I know all of this, trust me I do, but it still makes me sad, and more than anything, it makes me worry that he will indeed change his mind about me visiting, despite how much he likes me.

 

Question:

So the day before he left, he mentioned splitting the price of my ticket, which I am fine with, but being the planner I am, I figured that 3 weeks from now is the best time to buy this ticket. I haven't heard from him in almost a week, but I want to know if, when, how I should bring up the "Hey, do you still want me to visit?" conversation since I'm worried he's lost interest? This would be a great birthday trip, but I also don't want to be sad on my birthday if it doesn't happen, so I want to make alternate plans.

Edited July 24, 2017 by GirlWithQuestion

[Gr8fuln2020]

First of all, this notion that you meant to keep in touch with one another as friends and visiting one another is for FWB options. He, you or neither of you truly believed that you could be 'friends' w/o the sex.

 

As for him being a poor planner, well, it doesn't take much to plan now days if you have the resources AND COMMITMENT to do so. It clearly sounds to me that he is not a planner simply b/c he doesn't like to commit himself to something that he is not wholly convinced is worthwhile. He is not planning b/c he:

 

1. Is not convinced you are worth it and/or

2. He doesn't want to commit to any. of his resources to make this happen. I bet you if you did all the planning and paying, he'd jump on it.

 

His offer to pay half is his way of saying that he doesn't fully trust you or whatever it is you two have. He is entertaining the idea b/c he doesn't have anyone else right now.

 

You should both stick to a no LDR. I don't see anything from your post that either or you, certainly not him, is wanting one.

[GirlWithQuestion]

First of all, this notion that you meant to keep in touch with one another as friends and visiting one another is for FWB options. He, you or neither of you truly believed that you could be 'friends' w/o the sex.

 

As for him being a poor planner, well, it doesn't take much to plan now days if you have the resources AND COMMITMENT to do so. It clearly sounds to me that he is not a planner simply b/c he doesn't like to commit himself to something that he is not wholly convinced is worthwhile. He is not planning b/c he:

 

1. Is not convinced you are worth it and/or

2. He doesn't want to commit to any. of his resources to make this happen. I bet you if you did all the planning and paying, he'd jump on it.

 

His offer to pay half is his way of saying that he doesn't fully trust you or whatever it is you two have. He is entertaining the idea b/c he doesn't have anyone else right now.

 

You should both stick to a no LDR. I don't see anything from your post that either or you, certainly not him, is wanting one.

 

We're not just friends, we both know that, so this visit isn't under the pretense or idea that we're friends visiting without sex, if that's what you mean? I think he offered to pay half the ticket as a way of saying "We both want you to visit, so let's split it" way, so I'm not sure what you mean by offering to split it being noncommittal. I guess I'm not exactly clear on what you're saying. I definitely don't want a LDR, I am just saddened and surprised at a 180 drop in interest for no apparent reason.

[d0nnivain]

He moved. You haven't heard from him in a week because he's probably exhausted. Yes, it doesn't take that much time to send a quick text but his whole world has been upended.

 

Send him a quick pithy text something like "Are you unpacked yet or should I be worried that you're buried under a mound of boxes? Call me when you get a chance."

 

 

When he gets in touch ask about coming to visit. Tell him what you found about airfare. Make sure that it's in his budget.

[GirlWithQuestion]

He moved. You haven't heard from him in a week because he's probably exhausted. Yes, it doesn't take that much time to send a quick text but his whole world has been upended.

 

Send him a quick pithy text something like "Are you unpacked yet or should I be worried that you're buried under a mound of boxes? Call me when you get a chance."

 

 

When he gets in touch ask about coming to visit. Tell him what you found about airfare. Make sure that it's in his budget.

 

He moved almost a month ago, and so I would be less confused if this happened right after he moved. But it's been some time and we texted daily up until now. I get that he moved and we're far, and so our texts might not lead to something tangential daily, but I can't help it: I'm sad about it. I feel like your text suggestion makes me nervous because I fear the rejection I might get from his response or lack thereof.

[d0nnivain]

Sorry. I thought he just moved last week.

 

 

Do reach out. Send a different message. Something like: "Haven't heard from you in a while. New place must be fun. Am I still gonna get to experience it for myself? We need to firm up plans if I'm coming out in September; waiting too long we'll lose the airfare deals. Let me know."

[Cookiesandough]

Yes, sounds fine to ask. He'll lose interest and will meet someone closer, if he hasn't already. If it were me, I wouldn't go and just move on. Never been in the situation, but investing the time and money to go see a long distance fwb that you have high probably of rarely if ever seeing or hearing from afterwards doesn't sound that appealing.

Edited July 24, 2017 by Cookiesandough

[GirlWithQuestion]

Sorry. I thought he just moved last week.

 

 

Do reach out. Send a different message. Something like: "Haven't heard from you in a while. New place must be fun. Am I still gonna get to experience it for myself? We need to firm up plans if I'm coming out in September; waiting too long we'll lose the airfare deals. Let me know."

 

I like this. Someone suggested I just ask, "hey, how's it going? Do you still want me to visit?" I'm tempted to just be direct. What do you think of this kind of text instead?

[fred123]

Sorry. I thought he just moved last week.

 

 

Do reach out. Send a different message. Something like: "Haven't heard from you in a while. New place must be fun. Am I still gonna get to experience it for myself? We need to firm up plans if I'm coming out in September; waiting too long we'll lose the airfare deals. Let me know."

 

Cmon donnivan even you would say he isnt that into her otherwise a guy even if he moves would text her and organise plans to see her. Sorry he just aint into you. If you orgainse it yh sure he wont mind. You are a time passer. Iv been in situations simialr in the past and i as a guy have kept in touch and planned and booked stuff cos i really liked her. I was a planner for a girl im into and not a planner for a girl im not

[lucy_in_disguise]

I feel like the only purpose of a trip would be to gauge if there is any potential for some sort of relationship there. The trip in itself may be fun, but it is just prolonging the inevitable where you both have to start moving on. Based on the fact that he does not appear to be overly eager for you to visit, and your own admission that he sucks at planning, I think the potential for a successful LDR in this situation is non-existent. I think you should plan to spend your birthday at home, moving on. Even if he "lets" you visit, it seems like a step in the wrong direction.

 

You can be friends down the road but for now, let him be.

[d0nnivain]

I like this. Someone suggested I just ask, "hey, how's it going? Do you still want me to visit?" I'm tempted to just be direct. What do you think of this kind of text instead?

 

 

 

You have to use your own words. But do reach out.

 

 

Fred123 -- I am a firm believer in reaching out ONCE to get a straight answer. Here the OP, GirlWithQuestion, is in limbo. You're right; this guy may be done with her & on to greener pastures in his new location but it's only been 1 week since he stopped talking to her. The difference between this & your situation is you kept trying & trying, repeatedly in the face of low interest responses that screamed you were more into her then she was to you. One overture in the face of silence is fine. Repeated attempts is problematic.

 

 

So GirlWithQuestion, if you reach out but don't get a favorable response, give up & move on.