How to know if you are good looking?

[charlesmoo]

Hi all,

 

I realize that looks are a bit personal and vary between person to person. I will try not to make this into a long story but i've always been self-conscious about my looks. I've always been quite shy as well and never really approached many women. I kind of in a way pretended that I was desired and would wait for others to ask me out.

 

I had been talking to this woman and felt things were going well. We went out to coffee once and I think I got a little clingy and scared her a bit. But after a bit we were talking again, tried to build a friendship, chat about her days, etc. I was excited to make her laugh, felt very attracted to her, etc. I knew she enjoyed the niceness I showed her but also was focusing too much on her, deep down I should have just given up but my attraction and hoping to convince her how good I was kept my going back.

 

Won't explain the whole thing but she kind of dropped a bombshell on me at one point saying that she is not attracted to me. As a low self-esteem person this hurt and reaffirmed my personal beliefs that I tried to pretend were not there. It's affected me quite a bit over the last month where I can't stop thinking, feeling good about myself, etc. She did preface by saying that I was good looking but I feel that was like a bandaid almost.

 

Anyway - I don't know how to figure out if I am attractive. I feel like something like Tinder could make me feel worse about myself, but don't really have anyone to ask.

 

I don't know, I guess i'm just posting to se if others have gone through this, how they got through it, etc.

 

Thank you.

[smackie9]

Even attractive people can be unattractive due to poor attitude or lack of confidence.

[Ieris]

The most attractive thing about a person is a good heart

[thefooloftheyear]

The most basic answer I can give you is that people who are legitimately good looking will be told that they are by other people besides their own mother.....If you have never in your life been told that you are good looking, then you probably aren't...at least in the conventional and superficial sense..

 

But that's not to say that someone can't find attractiveness in another person, no matter what they look like, because it happens every day of the week...

 

It pains me to say this, because I know it pisses women off a bit, but attractiveness is FAR more important for a woman than it is for a man..You rarely find an attractive man with an unattractive woman, yet the opposite is almost as common as snow in January...

 

TFY

[BaileyB]

Who knows what makes someone feel attracted to another person - their body, their hair, their smile, their eyes, their intelligence, their sense of humor, their kind heart, their sense of adventure...

 

The point is, not every person is going to find you attractive because everyone likes something different. Be yourself and find someone who likes you for who you are - this was not your girl...

 

Don't sweat it.

[Redhead14]

Attractiveness is not all about looks. That is the superficial attraction at least. However, just because you aren't attractive on another or other levels for HER, doesn't mean that you are wholly unattractive. What one person finds attractive inwardly and outwardly may be different for someone else.

 

I've met men that I found extremely attractive physically, but when they opened their mouths, they looked more like Shrek And, vice versa. And, those physically attractive guys had women all over them . . . those women were equally as physically attractive and they were crazy about them. I always kinda wondered what that said about those women . . .

 

What's important is how you feel about yourself . . .

[Chilli]

Funny , when l was meeting a few , single before, l didn't meet one l was attracted too before gf.

But l always found it so awkward explaining just why l didn't wanna take things any further. So l've always wondered , l mean she just told him she wasn't attracted to him, full stop.

So is that all a guy should say to a women too,, should l have simple just said oh , sorryyyyyy.,,,,

l'm not attracted to ya. Adios.

l could never bring myself to say it and things got quite awkward sometimes.

 

Sorry OP/

But yeah l agree you usually get told by people if you are.

But then not so much in younger years. l hear about it much more now being around older women that speak their mind than l did back when.

So that might not be a given.

You could ask someone , if your game to hear the answer.

[OatsAndHall]

As has been pointed out, physical attraction varies from person to person. But, being kind, respectful, and self-confident is universally attractive.

 

If you have self-confidence issues, I would suggest that you stay away from OLD until you grow comfortable in your own skin. Dating, in and of itself, takes a thick skin and it is compounded when using OLD. OLD can be a serious meat market where looks take precedence above everything else. It's an unfortunate nature of the beast.

 

I have enjoyed meeting women in RL much more than OLD and have found it to be more rewarding. Having a few conversations with a woman and then asking her out shows self-confidence and results in better dates for me. Plus, actually having a face to face conversation with someone will determine whether or not I actually want to ask them out.. Or, vice versa.

[Bastile]

One silly girl's opinion has you second guessing yourself...

 

You are going to have to get a much thicker skin.

 

Don't really give much of a crap for anyone's opinion. Go and blaze your own path. That's what men do.

[SammySammy]

Mirror.

 

?

 

Seriously, attractive people will be shown attention by others. What's interesting is many people will find those same people unattractive.

 

I believe "knowing" you're attractive starts inside a person. With confidence and a positive attitude. Then presenting yourself in your best light helps. Physical fitness, grooming, and dress. Manners. When you put your best foot forward, you can be confident some will find you attractive. And some won't. If you're confident, the ones that won't don't matter.

 

Confidence, attitude, and personality are SO important though. I sold a house to a woman a while back. If you look at a picture of her, she is NOT attractive. She's between 100 - 150 pounds overweight. The fat is distributed unevenly, so she looks odd, lumpy and dumpy. She wears loud outrageous clothes in loud colors with makeup to match. Bright pink, lime green, orange, yellow, electric blue, on and on.

 

But, she has seemingly the world's BIGGEST personality. Unshakeable confidence. She's like Tigger in Winnie the Pooh. Bounces into a room spreading joy and sunshine. And people love her. People are on Facebook daily telling her how wonderful her costumes are. How beautiful she is. Because of this personality she was elected homecoming queen in high school and hasn't stopped. Been elected to many political offices that some would think should be out of reach for her. When she's not holding a political office, she has amazing jobs that apparently pay very well.

 

The cult of personality.

 

Is she objectively beautiful. No. Is she attractive? Definitely yes. Does what any of the naysayers say matter? That's a resounding NO!

 

Your attractiveness starts inside you. And flows outward. It's not static based on physical features alone.

[sadpanda3]

I love this question:D

 

Attraction isn't only based on looks. There's goodlooking people and there's people who make you want to rip your clothes off. You can be sexy but ugly. Or very goodlooking but plain old boring.

 

Things that are likely to make people more attracted to you are a good smell (nothing sexier than someone who smells good) and good hygiene in general. Work on your self-confidence and flirting skills. Everything else is up to personal preference.

[normal person]

The most basic answer I can give you is that people who are legitimately good looking will be told that they are by other people besides their own mother.....If you have never in your life been told that you are good looking, then you probably aren't...at least in the conventional and superficial sense..

 

But that's not to say that someone can't find attractiveness in another person, no matter what they look like, because it happens every day of the week...

 

It pains me to say this, because I know it pisses women off a bit, but attractiveness is FAR more important for a woman than it is for a man..You rarely find an attractive man with an unattractive woman, yet the opposite is almost as common as snow in January...

 

I have to agree with all of this.

 

Everyone has different tastes of course, but for the most part a lot features are almost universally attractive.

 

Here's the thing, if you're attractive, you've been told it your whole life and have had the attention to qualify it. There will be no doubt. You'll have known it in grade school when the girls want to be around you, write you notes (these days I guess they text). In your older years they'll hit on you at the bar or message you online. If you attract people, you're attractive. If you have to wonder if you're attractive, think about whether or not you attract people, and there's your answer. Simple, really.

 

This is of course putting aside the sympathy compliments you'll get from people which I frequently see guys on here misinterpret. They'll start a thread on here saying "I can't get girls, but someone called me handsome once. So why don't I have any luck?" If your perception of your looks is based on one single compliment in spite of a previous lifetime lack of them, odds are the person who called you handsome was just being nice because there was no benefit to not. You have to consider a body of evidence for either side.

 

That being said, I agree with the quoted post above -- in general, women care less about a man's looks than a man does about a woman's.

 

Also, I don't know how much validity there is to this, but I read an article within the last year or two that suggested 90+% of men agreed on what women were attractive, but only about 40% of women agreed on what men were attractive. So if that's to be believed, there's a lot more variability in the types of men women go for.

[Blanco]

If you don't look like a goblin in tagged photos of you on social media, then you are probably good looking.

[carhill]

How to know if you are good looking?

 

When you can consistently walk into a room full of strangers and find them gravitating to you with smiles on their faces.

 

Usually people figure it out early and, if they want, use their image to improve their lifestyle and opportunities. Some discount it, sure, but still it's a great tool to have when needed or desired.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Won't explain the whole thing but she kind of dropped a bombshell on me at one point saying that she is not attracted to me. As a low self-esteem person this hurt and reaffirmed my personal beliefs that I tried to pretend were not there. It's affected me quite a bit over the last month where I can't stop thinking, feeling good about myself, etc. She did preface by saying that I was good looking but I feel that was like a bandaid almost.

 

I don't see why you think your LOOKS are in question based on your recent experience. Why would she lie about your looks? She didn't have to say anything about them, in fact, what I get was that her lack of attraction was NOT about your looks, rather something else.

 

It seems, as you agree, that your behavior may have contributed to her losing interest more than anything else. She went out with you and you say that she was very attractive, so she is/was attracted to you physically, right?

[joseb]

 

It pains me to say this, because I know it pisses women off a bit, but attractiveness is FAR more important for a woman than it is for a man..You rarely find an attractive man with an unattractive woman, yet the opposite is almost as common as snow in January...

 

TFY

 

Almost agree..but replace attractiveness with looks.

 

Those conventionally plain or even ugly looking guys will have some kind of attractiveness.

[joseb]

OP, attractiveness is subjective and based on many things.

 

And one person's opinion really should not matter.

 

I recently got told by a girl I dated that she just wasn't attracted to me. Sure, the ego took a bruising, but only for a couple of hours. I've decided she just has bad taste

[JuneJulySeptember]

The most basic answer I can give you is that people who are legitimately good looking will be told that they are by other people besides their own mother.....If you have never in your life been told that you are good looking, then you probably aren't...at least in the conventional and superficial sense..

 

But that's not to say that someone can't find attractiveness in another person, no matter what they look like, because it happens every day of the week...

 

TFY

 

Also agree with this.

 

Women are also very judicious with the word 'good looking' in my experience. Their use of the word 'cute' is a lot more liberal.

 

But good looking is typically reserved for guys who are 'classically good looking'. Chiseled and high cheekbones, etc.

 

Men throw the word 'hot' around like it's going out of style. Stuff any woman within 30 pounds of her BMI in a tight dress and you'll get tons of guys saying she's hot.

[charlesmoo]

Thanks all, I feel a bit better about this. I certainly have not gotten a huge amount of people telling me that I am attractive. In my younger days I was certainly shy and more of an individual than anything else and I think people saw that. I do better now, but even where I work there aren't going to be many people that come out and say I am attractive.

 

I'm trying to show confidence a bit more now - it isn't too easy.

[Dis]

The most basic answer I can give you is that people who are legitimately good looking will be told that they are by other people besides their own mother.....If you have never in your life been told that you are good looking, then you probably aren't...at least in the conventional and superficial sense..

 

TFY

 

I agree with this. Well said TFTY!

 

I also agree that confidence is a huge factor in attractiveness

 

I once went out with a guy who was really good looking, def on the shorter side but he was still an attractive guy

 

Then...he opens his mouth and starts proclaiming that he has no confidence and goes on to elaborate on that for half an hour

 

Any attraction I had towards him was dead after that....

 

Even if you're lacking in confidence...fake it till you make it

[Imajerk17]

I feel I should make a general comment here: A lot of guys feel that women's attraction to US is a lot like our attraction to THEM. As in, how attracted WE are to a woman is so much about how SHE looks, thus many guys feel that how attracted a woman is to us is about how WE looks. Well, this isn't true.

 

(I actually think being really good-looking could work AGAINST a guy. On the one hand, many women will assume he is a player or is high-maintenance. On the other hand, if the really handsome guy turns out to be not as smooth as James Bond many women will be disappointed. More average-looking guys don't have these issues. But I digress.)

 

OP, relax about your "looks", they probably are good enough (I assume your hygiene is also good). You already are making the girls laugh? Very nice. Good. Instead of worrying about something that doesn't really matter, focus on eye contact and projecting confidence and ease around her.

[JuneL]

OP: I'm not sure how you came up with this conclusion that you're not good looking enough based on the girl's romantic rejection. When someone says she's not attracted to you, it means she doesn't have romantic feelings for you. This has nothing to do with your looks per se.

 

To answer your original question: objectively good looking people get compliments all the time, even when they dress pretty casually and wear minimal makeup, so it's hard for them not to know they are considered good looking.

[anduina]

Attractiveness and attraction aren't synonymous. Chemistry can be a strange beast.

[JuneL]

 

(I actually think being really good-looking could work AGAINST a guy. On the one hand, many women will assume he is a player or is high-maintenance. On the other hand, if the really handsome guy turns out to be not as smooth as James Bond many women will be disappointed. More average-looking guys don't have these issues. But I digress.)

 

 

I think being really good-looking per se is not a turn off, but caring too much about his looks is.

[JuneJulySeptember]

Thanks all, I feel a bit better about this. I certainly have not gotten a huge amount of people telling me that I am attractive.

 

I'm trying to show confidence a bit more now - it isn't too easy.

 

This is not for everybody, but I was in a similar position to you, and I'll tell you what kind of worked for me.

 

The less you emphasize looks, the less your self-esteem is tied to looks.

 

Let's say some person comes up to you tomorrow and says, "Hey, you look just like XYZ actor/famous/known person. Just like him." And let's just say said actor is not considered good looking, but in fact, goofy and/or unattractive. You're insulted and your self-esteem takes a hit.

 

But why are you upset? You're upset because somebody said you look like somebody that you perceive to be uglier than yourself.

 

I've compartmentalized that looks is just not that important in my life. If somebody comes up to me tomorrow and says I remind them of Quasimodo, well my self-esteem won't go down that much because what I want out of life isn't tied to what I look like.

 

And because your self-esteem is not tied to your looks, your confidence will actually go up. (Not that I believe that makes much difference, but I digress).

 

Obviously, if you compartmentalize that looks are less important, then that translates into them being less important when evaluating your own potential partners. And I get a lot of sh@t here for the advice I drivel.

 

Anyway, it's not for everybody, but it's helped my life tons.