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Do you find it hard to express a need in your re-ship?


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I find it so hard to express any type of need I may have in my relationship.

 

Whether it's with family, friends, colleagues, I have always been the strong one people turn to and count on.

 

I had a bad day, I didn't feel good (physically) and spent half the day sleeping. I did nothing but shower and drag myself back to my couch.

 

My bf was working today. At 19h I called him and he had just gotten to his place. He expressed he was tired and wasn't sure if he'd come over tonight or just in the morning.

 

When I heard that I said nothing. Not a word about feeling bad all day, not a word about being in pain and feeling vulnerable and needing his love and care. Nope! I can't do it.

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Hope you're feeling better soon.

 

As much as you needed him, you recognised that he wasn't in a place to give you what you needed. So you didn't ask. It's good that your instincts tell you when it isn't appropriate to ask someone to meet your needs. That said, you could have told him how you feel without asking anything of him. For instance, "I hear you. I've been feeling rubbish all day and understand exactly where you're at".

 

Of course, if a partner is frequently unable to meet our needs, we need to question whether or not they are the right person for us.

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Awww I hope you feel better soon G! :)

 

Drink plenty of fluids and rest up

 

My mom is just like you. She was always my rock growing up. She never asked anything of me, my dad or anyone else. To this day I tell her if she ever needs me, I'm here. I ask about her day, if she needs anything etc.... But I know she'll never take me up on it despite the fact I'm 31. My dad and her have a very unhealthy relationship. They almost got divorced a year ago.

 

And now??? She's a totally different person. I think she resents the fact that her needs were never met and that no one lifted a finger for her. Cant say I blame her one bit! She's not happy and is kind of angry. She says its her time to do what she wants, and she right but she kind of takes that logic to a whole different level

 

My advice to you is, try to start voicing your needs. I know its been long engrained in you to keep them to yourself but if you do... the end result might not serve your relationships well

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Eh... G, I was like you the whole time on my last relationship. I just... couldn't express my needs properly, maybe I wanted to appear strong, maybe because I didn't think he can solve my problems.

 

Long story short it blew up back in my face when we started living together. I think if I was better in expressing my needs/wants , we would have lasted much longer.

 

I think if you allow yourself to be more vulnerable, it will only bring you closer.

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Versacehottie
Eh... G, I was like you the whole time on my last relationship. I just... couldn't express my needs properly, maybe I wanted to appear strong, maybe because I didn't think he can solve my problems.

 

Long story short it blew up back in my face when we started living together. I think if I was better in expressing my needs/wants , we would have lasted much longer.

 

I think if you allow yourself to be more vulnerable, it will only bring you closer.

 

This is an actual scientific fact. If you express your needs it brings you closer to the other person. I think you need to gather some intel on how to do it properly if you are going to start now. You are basically going to be teaching yourself to go from 0-60 within a relationship. Not to mention the other person (your bf in this case) will have expectations about patterns that are already developed between you guys. I forgot exactly the term but when you change up established patterns (especially the kind that may require something OF the other person) they may "react", sometimes negatively. It doesn't mean they don't actually want to do it--it means they are not used to it and are resisting the change. This may or may not happen depending on what you are asking for and how it affects him. Maybe think baby steps.

 

Also, most importantly, be careful of putting your expectations on him--whether or not you are asking. Such as in the phone call tonight. You sounded disappointed because he did not recognized and attend to your needs. This can build resentment. Voice what you need or are hoping for and take it from there. Be fair in your assessment of if it is realistic or feasible for him to give what you are asking for. And realize that not everyone (especially in the example you gave, where maybe you needed care and compassion) will give what you need in the way you are expecting. What they give might be different but equally good or better than you expected. It also may take positive reinforcement to take him through stages of small steps toward what would make you happy. Anyway, you should try. Study up first--delivery is important. Good luck!

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To answer the question of your title: No.

 

I speak up and tell them "I had a really bad day today and right now, I'm not good company tonight and I need to just sit with my feelings" or "I had a really bad day today and could use a hug and reassurance from you".

 

I've found that when I say this, my guy has no problem giving me what I need.

 

I quit playing "read my mind" a long time ago. I just doesn't work and serves no good purpose other than to keep me frustrated while feeding resentment that he can't read my mind.

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Gaeta, this is really important. I get that you heard him say he was tired and so you tuned in to HIS need to rest at home. But, there would have been nothing wrong with saying, "I had a rough day today. I haven't been feeling well. I am looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I need some TLC." or something like that. He may very well have said, "Oh, in that case, I'll be there in a little while".

 

This is a learned behavior. Most people/women who squash their needs, aren't doing that because they are tough, they do it because somewhere along the line, they were used to having their needs dismissed on a regular basis and are afraid of that happening. You aren't giving him a chance. You're kinda making him pay for the sins of someone else. A partner who loves you wants to know when something's not right. Even if he didn't come last night because he's exhausted too, he would ask you, what can I do for you when I come? Do you need anything from the store? Something along those lines.

 

You will create resentment for yourself and that comes out in ways you don't realize over time. You are setting yourself up for feeling that the relationship is one-sided. And, that may happen for him as well. Relationships need to be interactive and reciprocal.

Edited by Redhead14
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Eternal Sunshine

I am really bad at this. I remember in the past, I was in a serious relationship and was so sick that I needed a trip to ER and stayed overnight in the hospital. When my ex called me the next day, I never even mentioned it but talked about him/his problems instead. I felt annoyed that everything was so focused on him but in reality, I didn't even give him a chance.

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This is a learned behavior. Most people/women who squash their needs, aren't doing that because they are tough, they do it because somewhere along the line, they were used to having their needs dismissed on a regular basis and are afraid of that happening.

 

This is interesting and never crossed my mind. I was single for 10 years before I met my bf. I thought those relationships from long long long time ago didn't matter anymore.

 

It's that or maybe it's from being on my own for so long and being used to fetch for myself.

 

I remember when dating someone else a couple of years before my bf I fainted in the metro and was brought to the hospital by ambulance. I did not call anyone and did not call my bf at the time, I told him after I was realeased from the hospital, he was very unhappy I had not reached to him. I think I told my family something like 3 years later.

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Gaeta I hear you...it seems we were raised to take care of others and not burden them with our emotional needs. And maybe stubbornness and independence plays a roll too. It's a touch habit to break, I know because I do it myself.

 

Now go ask him for some comfort!

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This is interesting and never crossed my mind. I was single for 10 years before I met my bf. I thought those relationships from long long long time ago didn't matter anymore.

 

It's that or maybe it's from being on my own for so long and being used to fetch for myself.

 

I remember when dating someone else a couple of years before my bf I fainted in the metro and was brought to the hospital by ambulance. I did not call anyone and did not call my bf at the time, I told him after I was realeased from the hospital, he was very unhappy I had not reached to him. I think I told my family something like 3 years later.

 

You were in an abusive, unfulfilling marriage. That's when this started, not while you were single, although, that would have kinda compounded it. Being single did teach you to self-sooth, take care of yourself and you need to be able to do that when your partner isn't available. He wasn't physically available, perhaps, but he could have still been emotionally available and gave you some TLC over the phone, reassurance/comfort in knowing he cares about how you're feeling, etc.

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Here where I live, a woman is supposed to have close to 0 needs. Any woman who doesn't act like a "strong and independent woman that needs no men" every damn moment of her life, is considered clingy and needy. Or so I am conditioned to believe by my previous partners who wouldn't let me express a single need without shutting it down.

 

So I understand you, Gaeta, I would probably keep silent as well and say nothing. But that's not right. Taking care of your partner or welcoming that care shouldn't be made into something bad. Don't hesitate for too long to show that you too have your moments of weakness, otherwise you'll never find out if he's capable of accepting it. There will come a moment you won't be able to keep it to yourself.

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Gaeta I hear you...it seems we were raised to take care of others and not burden them with our emotional needs. And maybe stubbornness and independence plays a roll too. It's a touch habit to break, I know because I do it myself.

 

That is so true for women our generation and older.

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There will come a moment you won't be able to keep it to yourself. -- This will happen and will come out in an angry, resentful, disorganized way. He will be completely blindsided and confused when it happens and he will likely respond in a similar way which will cause you to shut down again. Your message will be delivered in a way which will not be heard effectively.

 

Nip this in the bud . . .

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Get better Gaeta,

 

I'm like you well except I'm a dude, but never beg, make demands or ask for empathy in relationships. I keep to myself, hell, if I'm seriously ill whatever the illness I appreciate being served a hot chocolate and stuffs. But I try to never whine to have at least make me looks like I have a strong personality.

 

Did you rest well over the weekend? Here's wishing you a better coming work week.

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Thank you all for your wise words.

 

I am feeling like myself again. We had a nice Sunday together and I told him about feeling sick and my spirit being down because of it. He was very comforting and supportive.

 

He hurt his thumb at work and I heard about it for 2 days! so I have to be more relaxed and able to express to him when I am uncomfortable or in pain, or worried about something.

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