A sudden 180

[doeblin]

Hey, I know there are hundreds of threads like this, and my advice to myself would be to just be cool, and move on. And that is what I'm gonna do.

 

 

But I do need to vent out my frustration a bit, and as always, I'd appreciate some insight from the good people of LS.

 

So I met this woman through mutual friends, and bam instant chemistry. She was so into me she bought ME a drink, and implied when we should set up the first date. So next time I see her she was really enthusiastic and we had sex. Other dates were good too, seemed like we have a connection. (She did mention something curious, that her only relationship before was with an older man, and he really didn't like public showing of affection, so holding hands was new to her.) She was really attracted to me sexually too, but we also had similar interests. Girlfriend material. (We're mid 20s btw)

 

After the third date tho, something happened in her life (didn't land her "dream job") and became more distant. Her disappointment were understandable as was her wish to be alone for a while and only meet close friends. I gave her some space, I was far from clingy. A few days later I call her, she didn't pick up but immediately texts back that we should meet the next day. This meeting, as it turned out, was not a date, she called me over, she had a nice dress on, clearly wanting a night in with me... but after we finish making love, she says btw she has to go somewhere later in the evening. Okay, sure. (I thought we'd spend the evening together but whatever). Since we were going the same way, we went together on the subway. I guess we looked like those annoyingly sweet couples, constantly hugging, and kissing each other goodbye.

 

 

We couldn't see each other for a week, because she was volunteering at this festival and had a lot to do. But hey, I was planning to go to this festival anyway, and I knew she would be off on the evenings, so now I had one more reason. She texted "we should definitely meet up " So I go, she's walking toward me with her friends, kisses me on the mouth, and when we're walking next to each other I try to put my arm around her but she pushes it away like she's annoyed.

 

I'm like what? What's up?

 

She says she's not comfortable with people seeing us as a couple. (She just kissed me on the mouth ffs!)

 

And we have to talk.

 

Go on.

She is not ready for something serious, and the pace we're going scares her somewhat.

What? I just came to this festival, I thought we'd have a few drinks, dance a little, and that's that. Not like I was proposing for marriage.

Yea but it seems like I want something more steady, and at this point she can't give it.

 

And I guess my frustration and confusion at this 180 (within minutes!) was obvious to see on my face, coz what the f is she talking about. I texted her like 3 times a week, and only to set up dates.

 

I honestly felt like I was a teenager again, when girls were still alien to me. Where did this come from?

Anyway at this festival, she only wants to be with her friends. And now she feels like an a-hole that I came here.

 

I'm saying, listen, I just came here to have fun, but right, eventually I do want something solid.

 

She doesn't, it's scary. We can meet, but don't expect to be exclusive. I shouldn't wait for her.

 

Well I wasn't exclusive anyway.

 

She then said she'll text me later in the evening to have a drink.

Of course, she didn't.

 

But hours later I run into her and her friends dancing, and I thought what the hell I just dance up to her, like nothing happened.

She looks at me, says something to her friends, and hurries away.

 

And I'm looking like what the bloody hell just happened?

 

I go after her, and she says she doesn't have to explain anything to me, I just need to accept the fact that she doesn't want anythong serious.

 

Fine, but just look at it from my point of view. I was never clingy, and now she does this complete reverse.

 

She says she knows she looks like an a-hole.

 

So we left it at that.

 

Dating is frustrating.

[ExpatInItaly]

She is a strange one, indeed.

 

Did her friends see her kiss you? I have a theory but need a little clarification first.

[doeblin]

They did see her kiss me. That makes it weird. Maybe it was reflex and then she corrected herself, I dunno.

 

 

Oh, and the last time I've seen her before this, when we had a great time, she literally said that we should really go out and dance sometime. How is that not-public?

Edited July 15, 2017 by doeblin

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, her behaviour is very odd.

 

I think you dodged a huge bullet, to use a cliche. She is too hot-cold to sustain anything.

[Redhead14]

Her behavior isn't odd for someone who is afraid, for whatever reason, to develop a serious relationship with anyone and when she finds that SHE is feeling stronger feelings for someone, she will back away.

She is not ready for something serious, and the pace we're going scares her somewhat. -- Believe her. She doesn't want anything serious and she's afraid that might happen. And, it's not about what you're showing her (I was never clingy), it's about how she's feeling about you. She's past the "casual" stage.

 

She says she knows she looks like an a-hole. -- She's been down this road before. History is repeating itself.

 

She's doing you a favor. Accept that gift and keep moving..

[elaine567]

We couldn't see each other for a week, because she was volunteering at this festival and had a lot to do. But hey, I was planning to go to this festival anyway, and I knew she would be off on the evenings, so now I had one more reason. She texted "we should definitely meet up " So I go, she's walking toward me with her friends, kisses me on the mouth, and when we're walking next to each other I try to put my arm around her but she pushes it away like she's annoyed.

I guess when she suggested "we should definitely meet up", she didn't mean it literally.

She had no intention of being with you at the festival, so shut you down and even had to run from you when you approached her later on.

I guess she wasn't really feeling it by date three, though she kept up the pretence and had sex with you.

I think her mind is on someone else, so she was either meeting him or hoping to meet him that night, and then she introduced distance from you for a week with the "festival".

I think he was somewhere around at the festival, so the last thing she wanted would be for him to see her with a "bf".

You were never supposed to show up at the festival, I guess she thought you would just disappear after she introduced distance...

[kendahke]

You dodged the crazy cannon, let alone bullet.

 

Lose her number, block her on all social constructs and move on.

[doeblin]

I tend to favor Redhead14's take on this, because she was really attentive and affectionate on our last meet before the festival. She was curious about my past relationships, and she was suggesting things we could do in the future. And she mentioned once casually that she never had a "proper" relationship before, except for this on-off few years non-public thing with an older guy.

 

 

I guess when she suggested "we should definitely meet up", she didn't mean it literally.

 

Well, I texted her that I have arrived, and she texted me to look her up and gave me directions where to find her. If she was not intending to meet me she could have said something vague and flaky.

 

However when we met she did pull the semantics out, that by meet up she only meant to say hi and that's that. I told her i wasn't expecting to be with her the whole night... but just hi?

After all this, just hi? That's ridiculous.

 

I think her mind is on someone else, so she was either meeting him or hoping to meet him that night, and then she introduced distance from you for a week with the "festival".

I think he was somewhere around at the festival, so the last thing she wanted would be for him to see her with a "bf".

 

You might be on to something here, as I elided some parts of our conversation, so here it is:

 

- But why are you so distant all of a sudden?

- I dunno, I just had a bad night yesterday, and I'd just like to be with my friends, and not with guys.

- Guys? Did this bad night involve another guy?

- I don't wanna get into it.

- Fine, I don't care. I know we are not exclusive, I was not exclusive. I did have a one night stand since our first date. But yes, I am looking for some stability, if not something super serious... just something solid. You are the one making things awkward, while it doesn't need to be.

 

 

And the fact that she told me 3 times she doesn't want "people" to see us as a couple... Yeah it is quite possible that the ex was around the festival somewhere.

 

But the way she dealt with this situation was very odd and immature.

Edited July 16, 2017 by doeblin

[elaine567]

But the way she dealt with this situation was very odd and immature.

 

That was because she knew she was being sneaky and up to no good.

She couldn't be upfront with you as she knew she led you on and it all reflected badly on her.

 

She didn't want you at the festival at all, but as you had arrived she felt she couldn't just ignore you. But when you wanted to get all "coupley" she definitely didn't want that.

I guess she either wanted to be free to play the field at the festival, or someone else was in the background.

 

The on/off thing with an older guy may be an affair and she may still be in it. He may not like her hanging about with young guys and he may have been at the festival, keeping his eye on her.

 

All just too complicated - forget her.

[umirano]

She could have been trying to make someone else jealous by parading you, but wanted to keep it low intensity. So she had to cool it with you in order to not go overboard with 'the fling'. Or maybe she felt bad for using you and tried to keep it at a minimum.

 

Sounds like the usual headaches of casual dating.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I also tend to wonder if she was planning on meeting up with another guy at this festival. So she didn't want you hanging around too much.

 

In any case, she isn't relationship material at this time. I would move along and find someone who is.