torrs Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 (edited) I've been dating this girl for nearly 3 months and we've been on loads of great dates (over 9 dates so far). I'm pretty much in love with her now BUT.... 2 nights ago we planned to have sex together. After the meal we came back to our hotel room and did the whole kissing and cuddling thing and blah bah blah, I go to put the condom on and lose my erection - wearing condoms is something I really struggle with. So I tell her that I struggle with condoms and she awkwardly says, "that's ok, don't worry", and she goes to put her nightdress on. As a result I get really despondent and emotional and I said, "I'm really sorry for ruining it and I hope this isn't the end of our relationship". She doesn't really respond and she awkwardly puts her arm around my shoulders! So we spend the rest of the night holding each other in bed, but I couldn't sleep because my heart was pounding so bad. She slept but every time she woke we kissed! Apart from the condom issue it was an amazing night, I dare say one of the best nights of my life! We wake up the next morning and we did loads more cuddling and kissing. I directly asked if she wanted to meet up again and she said yes, but I think it was a, "I'm not going to reject you now" type yes! Anyway we've texted loads since, but I haven't arranged another "date" with her. When she speaks to her friends they'll probably tell her to go and find another guy or something. There's thousands on guys on Tinder who probably don't have this problem! I'm not sure what to do in terms of progressing the relationship now. We both live with parents so it's difficult in that respect. Or do I invite her away for the weekend and spend next week making sure I'm 100% comfortable with condoms? Or should the date just be something more casual and chilled out? Or should I hang back and see if she instigates another date? Edited July 15, 2017 by torrs Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 This was first time sex for the two of you? Performance anxiety. No, definitely do not back away meekly. It was nothing more than a one-time swing and miss. You're still at bat. Use some cialis/viagra as insurance. It happens but it doesn't define you... unless you step out of the box. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author torrs Posted July 15, 2017 Author Share Posted July 15, 2017 This was first time sex for the two of you? Performance anxiety. No, definitely do not back away meekly. It was nothing more than a one-time swing and miss. You're still at bat. Use some cialis/viagra as insurance. It happens but it doesn't define you... unless you step out of the box. Thanks.. I'm trying not to back away but I'm really upset about what happened and scared it'll happen again! I'm scared that she's freaked out by it too! We've both been single for a year and I haven't had sex in a year. My previous partner was on the pill so I haven't used a condom in about 4 years. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 OP, we (women) understand the mechanics don't always cooperate. We know this is particularly true if it's the first time together and you're anxious. She probably just didn't know exactly what to say in the moment to help make you feel better. It is unlikely to have "freaked her out" if she's an adult with some experience under her belt. It's probably not the first time she's seen it happen either. Sometimes we might misinterpret a lost erection as a lack of attraction to us, but if you explained what happened I don't think it will be an huge deal. Relax. Don't back away. Ask her out again. Take it from there. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 If it happened with my date Id be fine with it. But Id probably also been way mkre helpful, probably woulda said, alright then screw the condom, lets fool around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author torrs Posted July 15, 2017 Author Share Posted July 15, 2017 I'm literally a broken man after this!! Can't stop getting emotional. We've had such a good time for the last 3 months and she's an amazing girl and I go and ruin it in about 20 seconds. If I don't ask her out again I'm going to lose her, especially nowadays when another hookup is a swipe right away! Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I'm literally a broken man after this!! Can't stop getting emotional. We've had such a good time for the last 3 months and she's an amazing girl and I go and ruin it in about 20 seconds. If I don't ask her out again I'm going to lose her, especially nowadays when another hookup is a swipe right away! Part of what I was trying to say is that its not all on you. She didnt do anything to make this better either. Ask her out. Try again. But next time, dont let it stop you. If you have issues maintaining an erection, focus on satisfying her instead of making it all about intercourse. Maybe that'll lead to a higher comfortlevel with her and more likelihood of success. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I'm literally a broken man after this!! Can't stop getting emotional. We've had such a good time for the last 3 months and she's an amazing girl and I go and ruin it in about 20 seconds. If I don't ask her out again I'm going to lose her, especially nowadays when another hookup is a swipe right away! You really need to chill, my friend. I understand this is embarrassing, but like I said, it's not earth-shattering for us ladies. You are making this a much bigger deal than it needs to be. I can just about promise you she's not at home thinking all the terrible thoughts you are. So go ahead and ask her out again. Instead of posting here, give her a call. Don't mention the episode. Be relaxed. Catch up on her day. Then ask her to have dinner with you. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Good grief. You are assuming that women are as focused on sex as men are and will discard someone for one episode that didn't go right. She gave you no reason to think that. And you should thank her for putting her dress back on instead of having unprotected sex with you and making you a baby daddy for life. Women are much more understanding about not getting stellar sex than men are, or else they'd likely never get married. It's not the biggest thing to them. Liking you is the biggest thing. But now you've acted weird about it and made her think all you care about is sex and that you think she's so ruthless she'll discard you after one thing that didn't go as planned, and that's insulting. YOU may have made it so awkward that she now knows how insecure you are and how sex is to you the number 1 thing and that you assume it is for her too, and so if it got messed up, that's why, not the incident itself. And the notion her friends would tell her to run is also insulting. As if she doesn't have a brain to make up her own mind. As if all her friends only care about how a guy performs in bed. So I wouldn't mention that to her. Don't bring it up again. Ask her out, and for God's sake, practice putting a condom on until you get it down to very fast and automatic before your next date. And don't act like you have something to prove. Just see how it's going and decide whether the timing is right or not. Putting a condom on is not brain surgery. Don't burden her with talking about this. Please remember that your penis is not nearly as big a deal to the ladies as it is to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
rushed Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 I'm literally a broken man after this!! Can't stop getting emotional. We've had such a good time for the last 3 months and she's an amazing girl and I go and ruin it in about 20 seconds. If I don't ask her out again I'm going to lose her, especially nowadays when another hookup is a swipe right away! Relax, guy. You losing your erection that night is not going to make you lose her. However, how you're handling it just might. Like other ladies here have mentioned, what happened is not uncommon and there are several of us that have experienced this with guys the first time. Unless she plans on using you exclusively for sex, then it's not a big deal. Don't put all your energy into it. Ask her out again. Go do stuff outside of the bedroom and continue to have fun with her. If you make everything about that one mishap, then it's pretty much a guarantee that you will lose her, because no one wants to be around someone who can only focus on the negatives. Link to post Share on other sites
act00 Posted July 15, 2017 Share Posted July 15, 2017 Women with any experience know that "it" doesn't always cooperate. We ladies have our own anxieties and inabilities too, so it's not like it's a huge mystery. It's not dump-worthy. She's into you, and you're into her. She may feel inadequate for not being able to turn you on, and that's a tough one, even in knowing "sh** happens," so some communication goes a long way, and you feel for each other, it won't be the end. If this is a first for her, it can be problematic for you, and this will be the first in her learning experiences that, yep, it happens. As someone who has had relationships where ED is an issue, the sex can still be very satisfying if a guy develops other skills, which he should have anyway. It seems that in your experience with your GF that night, the second things "deflated," was the second there was nothing left, so she put on her nightgown and it was done. Work on those other skills because sex can be so satisfying, even if you don't "finish," and she'll come back for more, even if the intercourse part doesn't always really work out. Speaking as someone who doesn't always climax easily, I can tell you there is still satisfaction and enjoyment in pleasing my partner, and it's not like I get nothing out of it. You were both nervous. Don't let this get in the way of the future. Link to post Share on other sites
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