When do I talk about "us"?

[Sandwoman]

So I'm abroad this summer and met someone local. We started just hanging out and getting to know each other but things escalated...We kissed on the 4th date and since then have been seeing each other at least 3 days a week for almost seven weeks now (most of the times just fun activities I want to try in the city, sometimes staying over)

 

We've talked a lot about everything, life, work, dreams, fears, childhood, met each other's friends (my friends love him) and he's been the most respectful, accommodating, generous guy I've dated for a long time...(always goes out of his way to make sure I'm happy, readily adapt to my schedules and suggestions, often insists paying because I'm a student)...we've been on trips tgt and everything went smoothly...Typical honeymoon phase.

 

the thing is I'm leaving in 12 days and we haven't talked about the possibility of a LDR...we've talked about future often but neither of us knows for sure where we will be in the next few years. He lives in Europe, is sent to work in Africa for a while, but wants to move back to Asia. I'm from Asia but lives in North America...we are both at an exploring stage of our lives, tbh I don't know if I should do a LDR despite I like him a lot. So the departure day is looming and I'm getting anxious and depressed...mainly because I don't know what I want, what he wants, and what to expect...last week he said we should talk about it at some point but not yet...

 

Now I'm really leaving soon and getting bad anxieties, should I initiate the talk although I'm not sure what I want? I don't want to ruin our final few days together by talking too early...but I'll be extremely busy next week and my friend says it takes time to talk through and reach a decision...

 

He's 28 and I'm 27 if it matters. Also, what are all the options for this kind of situation? What's the best thing to do or say when you just don't know...?

[Gaeta]

I would handle it as a summer romance and say good bye. None of you are ready to settle down and you'll just be an extra weight at the ankle. For a long distance relationship to work there has to be a lot of dedication, a lot of visits, and one of you ready to relocate within a reasonalbe amount of time. You don't have that.

[smackie9]

Give your head a shake.....you both are still "exploring" your life's options/careers. There is no time to put a ton of effort you don't have into a LDR. Over time you both will fade from each others lives anyways. Enjoy your summer romance.

[Sandwoman]

Smackie and Gaeta, thank you for your advice! After reading your message I really feel different about the situation.

 

However, yesterday we did talk about it. I have only ones week left, so I asked what he thinks about us. He said "I really enjoyed being with you in the past two months and everything's good. But it's still a short time. And you're going back to America. I'd really hope to keep in touch and maybe we can try things. Like wait till I come back from Africa in December and arrange something. However I don't want you to make promises now, and i totally understand if you decide to date someone else in the next few months" And I said maybe he will. Then he says it's much more likely that I'll be with someone because I'm much more attractive than he is and guys are crazy about me...(which I didn't agree or disagree) but anyway he really hope we can stay in touch and maybe try things.

 

It was a very reasonable response. But at the moment I was just being emotional and he asks me what I think about the situation. I just asked if he'd like to move to America. He seems very happy I asked and then says of course he'd love to but it's going to be very complicated and difficult for his career and visa to go. But he will try if that's what I want. He can't promise it will work but he's going to try. And I said ok...

 

I feel terrible after this because in my heart I know he will actually try. I probably shouldn't have asked him to move but my ego got the better of me and wanted some validation. When I get the answer I wanted I really felt guilty...besides anxieties and sadness.

 

Am I being to hard on myself? Should I address it again?now we've had the conversation, maybe it's best to leave it there and give it sometime and see how I feel after we are apart...?

Edited July 14, 2017 by Sandwoman

[smackie9]

IMO you are just caught up in the moment...I bet money on it, after a few month of being apart you will feel very differently about this whole thing and just move on. You are asking way too much of him when you only dated for 2 months. it's possible it's just talk anyway....he knows what he will be up against trying to relocate and after some thought he's gonna back out.

[carhill]

When do I talk about "us"?

On the beach celebrating your 25th anniversary would be a good time

[No_Go]

You just had a very generic conversation which you can summarize to 'See you one day' and you know 'one day' is the day that never comes...

 

It is just a nice summer romance - keep it there and don't make it complicated, it shouldn't be.

 

Smackie and Gaeta, thank you for your advice! After reading your message I really feel different about the situation.

 

However, yesterday we did talk about it. I have only ones week left, so I asked what he thinks about us. He said "I really enjoyed being with you in the past two months and everything's good. But it's still a short time. And you're going back to America. I'd really hope to keep in touch and maybe we can try things. Like wait till I come back from Africa in December and arrange something. However I don't want you to make promises now, and i totally understand if you decide to date someone else in the next few months" And I said maybe he will. Then he says it's much more likely that I'll be with someone because I'm much more attractive than he is and guys are crazy about me...(which I didn't agree or disagree) but anyway he really hope we can stay in touch and maybe try things.

 

It was a very reasonable response. But at the moment I was just being emotional and he asks me what I think about the situation. I just asked if he'd like to move to America. He seems very happy I asked and then says of course he'd love to but it's going to be very complicated and difficult for his career and visa to go. But he will try if that's what I want. He can't promise it will work but he's going to try. And I said ok...

 

I feel terrible after this because in my heart I know he will actually try. I probably shouldn't have asked him to move but my ego got the better of me and wanted some validation. When I get the answer I wanted I really felt guilty...besides anxieties and sadness.

 

Am I being to hard on myself? Should I address it again?now we've had the conversation, maybe it's best to leave it there and give it sometime and see how I feel after we are apart...?

[Sandwoman]

Thank you everyone. I realise I always have problems thinking rationally, and get easily excited and anxious about romantic IDEAS and potential of a relationship. I make irrational decisions based on instant gratification. And ended up wasting lots of time...

 

It's hard to keep my head clear, see what it really is, and think long term. I think I also have this fear of losing the source of emotional comfort and security I get from him (I haven't felt that for a very long time) but at the same time, I know the distance will dilute that. And LTR should be based on much more substance.

 

I think I really lost myself and forget about my life in this amazing summer experience... after all it has been so dreamlike and beautiful. It's like this vacation-like summer job in this lovely European city - so pleasant and all but it's not where I truly belong or if I would be really content and satisfied to settle down for my life...