Not good enough for him?

[miss.lost]

Hi all,

 

Recently, I have put so much pressure on myself and I feel like my friends just give me generic opinions and what I want to hear. I apologize if some parts sound arrogant or like I am showing off, i just want to give you an insight.

Little background: I am a female in my late 20s who moved to the USA 4 years ago. It was a difficult decision but I felt like there was more to life than just "graduate from college, get a job and start a family."

Anyway, once I moved here i soon realized that I will have to start from the very beginning. The degree from my country was completely useless and it would be almost impossible to find a job anyway. After months and months of figuring out what is that I wanted to do, I decided I wanted to work in healthcare.

Currently, I am six months away from getting my BSN in nursing and I am somewhat proud of myself. In less than four years i was able to adjust to the new country, get my life together, make some money, go back to school and I could finally see the end of the road... However, it wasn't easy and I almost had no life for the past 4 years. Even now, I am in school (or clinical) 8am - 4pm every day, and then I work as a waitress 5pm to 11pm (4 days a week). My nursing program is accelerated and it's been pretty rough. Also, English is not my first language and, on top of everything, I spent many sleepless nights trying to figure out how to pay 52k for my last 4 semesters. (I don't have any family or anyone who could be a co-signer for the private loan) But, in spite of everything I still managed to keep my 4.0 GPA and keep up with everything.

 

Why am i telling you this? Recently, I've met a guy and liked him a lot, but I can't help but feel like I am not good enough for him and he will never see me as something serious. He is my age but he already has his PhD from Ivy League College and works for one of the biggest investment companies in the country. I can't help but wonder what he wants from me. He told me he liked me, we have been seeing each other once a week for the past three months and he is extremely understanding regarding my busy schedule. He is available whenever I have a night off and don't have to go to work. i am not sure what exactly made me feel this way.

 

I recall during the second date, he asked me if I ever thought of becoming a doctor. I explained that I considered it but didn't think it was a smart idea.

First of all, by the time I graduate I would be in my 30s, and by the time I actually start working as a doctor I might be close to my 40s, AND I would have thousand of hundreds in loans.

Second, even though nursing school is outrageously expensive, it is nothing comparing to med school. So, I have no idea how I would get all these loans without a cosigner.

Third, med school requires years and years of dedication (and I don't want to be a single 40-year new grad doctor).

 

Anyway, he agreed, especially with the loans part (he is in finance:p).

 

Recently, we talked again about our plans for the future and I told him that I might get MSN (but of course, after working for few years as a nurse to get experience and save money for grad school) and become either anesthesia nurse, NP, or something similar to that. He replied that anesthesia nurses was a really good idea and how they make so much money.

 

So, in conclusion, even though I might feel somewhat accomplished and I have my goals and plans for the future, it really feels like nothing comparing to him. And, I don't want to compete with the guy but I am just a nurse, and I feel like everyone expects him to be with someone who matches his level of education. He is also very good looking.

 

Btw. I know that he recognizes my hard work and he told me few times that MSN program would be a breeze for me because i am smart and dedicated.

 

Are my fears rational? The reason, I am posting here is that I put so much pressure on myself that i have to get into that graduate school. And, on a subconscious level, it probably has something to do with him. It is frustrating because if I do decide to apply for MSN, it should only be because I thought it was the best option for me and not because of someone else. :bunny:

 

Thanks for reading. Any experiences and thoughts welcome. And please be honest, I need to, either, be ok with him, or leave him and focus on school. It's becoming exhausting.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Well, I must say that his question regarding you thinking about being a doctor does lead ME to believe that he feels nursing is not the pinnacle of professional or medical success. I would dismiss it as simple curiosity of your ambitions, but I would feel like you...he's measuring you up and taking note of how ambitious you may be. Saying that, I personally believe what you do is more important than what he does. Your impact and connection is much more personable and realized and you should be absolutely proud of what you do. I have been around a few PhDs, married to a doctor once upon a time and I can tell you that nurses do more than either day to day. My ex would also agree with me.

 

Do the MSN for you. Not someone else.

[miss.lost]

Well, I must say that his question regarding you thinking about being a doctor does lead ME to believe that he feels nursing is not the pinnacle of professional or medical success. I would dismiss it as simple curiosity of your ambitions, but I would feel like you...he's measuring you up and taking note of how ambitious you may be. Saying that, I personally believe what you do is more important than what he does. Your impact and connection is much more personable and realized and you should be absolutely proud of what you do. I have been around a few PhDs, married to a doctor once upon a time and I can tell you that nurses do more than either day to day. My ex would also agree with me.

 

Do the MSN for you. Not someone else.

 

Thanks for the reply. Yes, i will probably go for MSN, but again not 100% sure. i want to see how I like nursing job, also see if I can afford it (on top of the student federal loans, I also had a huge bill for a surgery).

Anyway, I feel like I am wasting my time with him and he will never take me seriously or even if he does, he might resent me later.

[SammySammy]

I know someone who went to med school in his late thirties. It's possible if that is what you want.

 

However, I see nothing wrong with becoming a nurse practitioner or an anesthesia nurse. Those are excellent options and I would consider you to be very accomplished when you achieve those. Some hospitals will actually help cover the costs of your education.

 

As far as feeling not good enough for him goes, remember academic and financial success is only part of who we are. While I think it's wise to want to be "equally yoked", compatibility is determined by more that money and education. You have more to offer than you know. Consider all aspects of the relationship because you can get education. With that, the money will come. It won't be worth a darn if the communication is poor though. If you're sexually incompatible. Spiritually. Socially. On and on.

 

So much more goes into determining if you're a good match. Don't count yourself out too soon.

[miss.lost]

I know someone who went to med school in his late thirties. It's possible if that is what you want.

 

However, I see nothing wrong with becoming a nurse practitioner or an anesthesia nurse. Those are excellent options and I would consider you to be very accomplished when you achieve those. Some hospitals will actually help cover the costs of your education.

 

As far as feeling not good enough for him goes, remember academic and financial success is only part of who we are. While I think it's wise to want to be "equally yoked", compatibility is determined by more that money and education. You have more to offer than you know. Consider all aspects of the relationship because you can get education. With that, the money will come. It won't be worth a darn if the communication is poor though. If you're sexually incompatible. Spiritually. Socially. On and on.

 

So much more goes into determining if you're a good match. Don't count yourself out too soon.

I understand that but I am not sure how he feels about it. Also, you said you would consider me pretty accomplished if I get MSN. Maybe he would too. But, what if I never get it. For now, I am only (almost) a nurse. And while there is no reason not to get MSN (I am doing well in one of the most competitive nursing schools), we never know what future holds. So, lets say i I decide to be "only" a nurse, would he be disappointed, embarrassed? I can't deal with that kind of pressure. I don't want to lose him, but on the other hand, I want someone who I know will accept me for who I am and it wouldn't matter what I do for living or my education level.

[SammySammy]

I understand that but I am not sure how he feels about it. Also, you said you would consider me pretty accomplished if I get MSN. Maybe he would too. But, what if I never get it. For now, I am only (almost) a nurse. And while there is no reason not to get MSN (I am doing well in one of the most competitive nursing schools), we never know what future holds. So, lets say i I decide to be "only" a nurse, would he be disappointed, embarrassed? I can't deal with that kind of pressure. I don't want to lose him, but on the other hand, I want someone who I know will accept me for who I am and it wouldn't matter what I do for living or my education level.

 

There's nothing wrong with being "just a nurse".

 

I have a feeling he values education though. Pursuing it to the highest level in your chosen field. You'd reach that as a nurse practitioner and a nurse anesthetist is nothing to sneeze at.

 

Of course, you should ultimately do what makes you happy. But, if you want to be with this guy and higher education is important to him, then one of those in lieu of becoming a doctor should be fine. In my opinion ....

[Gr8fuln2020]

You're already accomplished. More so than most. As far as cost for medical school, you are spot on to consider this. My ex, a physician, would not encourage her own children to become doctors. A large part of it is b/c of finances, but also the current uncertainty in the healthcare system.

 

The starting salary of registered nurses is no chump change and they are needed everywhere. You can always specialize and as the previous poster suggested, some employers will help you with educational costs.

 

Look, if you are convinced that this guy isn't taking you seriously b/c you are not a doctor or NP, then he is not for you anyway, right? I mean, who would wait for someone to finish additional years of education and potential debt to finally decide whether he/she wants to stay with you and why would anyone want to be with someone like that?

[Popsicle]

I think you should relax a little bit. Most MSN programs want you to work as a BSN for a while first before even applying.

 

And is it possible that he talks so much about education because you bring it up first? You talk about it and make it seem so important that he thinks that's what you like to hear?

 

Not saying he's not snobby. I know a few Ivy league grads who are snobs.

[basil67]

I think you should turn the question around and ask if he's good enough for you.

 

If I was in your shoes, my 'snob' alarm would be ringing loudly. He seems to be more interested in prestige and income than job satisfaction. I think you deserve better than this.

[rushed]

How does he treat you? Do you get the sense that he genuinely likes you and enjoys spending time with you? Even though you've mentioned that he's commented on your future possible education/career choices it sounds like he's only trying to be supportive and help you decide what to do. You don't get the sense that he feels you're beneath him, right?

 

My boyfriend graduated from an Ivy League college, whereas I am a community college dropout. During the beginning of our relationship I always wondered why he was with me. I felt like my education and job wasn't good enough for me to be with him. BUT that was all in my head. He has never made a single condescending remark about my education (or lack thereof) or my job, and he's never said anything nor acted in anyway to make me feel like I was beneath him. He's made me feel nothing but loved. How does your guy make you feel?

[Andy_K]

This seems to come up a lot.

 

The thing is, for 95% of guys, what you do for a living does NOT give you higher status in his eyes, in the way that his being a doctor or CEO does for you.

 

He will be concerned less with the status of your job, and more with you are attractive, nice, and your general attitude towards work/money (i.e, not a lazy freeloader)

[TheWoman]

I have to say you sound amazing, I feel proud of you and I dont even I know you. You emigrated from another country, took on a degree level course in a second language and have financed it on your own in one of the most expensive education systems in the world. All without any family around you, working nights. You have also chosen a caring, self-actualizing profession which exemplify's your values. Extraordinary. Imagine what you could have done if you had been born there, with family money and english mother tongue, why I imagine you would have a Phd too, although I doubt it would be in something as self serving as finance.

 

You are not less than him. And if I were you (and I like to think the best of people), him asking if you want to be a doctor is more a supportive statement acknowledging that you are more than capable of academically achieving this. However your logic is sound and it doesnt sound like a sensible thing to pursue right now anyway. Finish your course, get working and see where that leads. And enjoy your relationship it sounds lovely. Oh and btw the guy I am dating at the mo is basically a rocket scientist and it would be very easy for me to feel like that too, but I know I bring other things to the table and he values that. You are worthy, always x

[thefooloftheyear]

This seems to come up a lot.

 

The thing is, for 95% of guys, what you do for a living does NOT give you higher status in his eyes, in the way that his being a doctor or CEO does for you.

 

He will be concerned less with the status of your job, and more with you are attractive, nice, and your general attitude towards work/money (i.e, not a lazy freeloader)

 

Yep...

 

I know most women hate hearing this, but most guys would favor a stunner over a scholar any day of the week...Matters not if they're a truck driver or CEO..And, IME, the more wealthy or powerful the guy is, the more important this aspect becomes... .Of course most don't want a lazy, broke idiot, no matter what she looks like, but you may even be pretty surprised there as well...Ive seen plenty of those type of women land really wealthy and educated men with literally nothing more than their asses and tits...

 

But I gotta agree with Basil...Seems like maybe the guy is one of those types that thinks people aint shyt unless they are super educated and have the commendations...I can't really say for sure...

 

Be true to yourself...If he's as you say, he's more likely to think negatively of you on your appearance/attitude, then your title/schooling..Especially true if he's good looking as well...Sounds like he doesn't need you for money, so I have no idea why that would be so important, but maybe it is, I dunno...

 

TFY

[CptInsano]

To be honest, I cannot tell if the guy is focused on status, or if it is the OP, interpreting his actions in a certain way because she is. His questions were by no means unusual, and I would consider it rather typical to find out from your date what her career plans are. He also called her smart and dedicated, so I don't think he's trying to belittle her.

 

I'm with TFY in the sense that the OP may simply be physically attractive and sociable, and he simply enjoys that.

Edited July 13, 2017 by CptInsano

[Tribble]

But I gotta agree with Basil...Seems like maybe the guy is one of those types that thinks people aint shyt unless they are super educated and have the commendations...I can't really say for sure..

TFY

 

TBH, I didn't get that vibe. From what OP said, he was taking an interest in what she is doing. She's a student so it makes sense that there may be future choices to be made and that's interesting to talk about. Obviously I could be wrong, the OP is the only one to know how these conversations happened.

 

I wonder if you are intimidated by him OP? If he was bothered that you weren't a PhD, why would he be dating you? You're a student nurse and have done incredibly well to get where you are and you're clearly ambitious. These are things to be admired. Is he dismissive of your achievements? Do you feel belittled and looked down on by him? If not, I would say you are projecting and it's a bit of insecurity shining through. Everyone does it, but try not to let it ruin a good thing (if indeed it is a good thing).

[Gaeta]

Being a nurse is a vocation. You can go anywhere in the world and people will look up to you and respect you for it. Be proud of it and be proud that for many years to come you will make a difference in people's lives when they are at their most vulnerable. Let him worry about phd and money, you are the humanitarian one in this relationship.

[miss.lost]

TBH, I didn't get that vibe. From what OP said, he was taking an interest in what she is doing. She's a student so it makes sense that there may be future choices to be made and that's interesting to talk about. Obviously I could be wrong, the OP is the only one to know how these conversations happened.

 

I wonder if you are intimidated by him OP? If he was bothered that you weren't a PhD, why would he be dating you? You're a student nurse and have done incredibly well to get where you are and you're clearly ambitious. These are things to be admired. Is he dismissive of your achievements? Do you feel belittled and looked down on by him? If not, I would say you are projecting and it's a bit of insecurity shining through. Everyone does it, but try not to let it ruin a good thing (if indeed it is a good thing).

 

Thank you for the reply. He is nice, he is not arrogant at all but he is clearly proud of his Ivy League status (though he never mentions it). He is somewhat obsessed with intelligence (we watch several movies about scientists and all these incredible minds (his choice)). I also get the vibe that his family is also proud of him and while i am not sure what his parents do for living, most of his cousins are doctors.

The question about being a doctor came up on a second date and was pretty straightforward (I guess a part of getting to know each other). The conversations about school usually come up because I am always busy and when I finally see him, he always asks how the exams went. He treats me nice but he hasn't been clear about what he wants. It was more like "there is chemistry, lets see where it goes." Also, he moved to my city only a year ago for work and I suspect he might be lonely.

One time he asked "do you like me?" i guess it was part of his insecurities too.

[Gr8fuln2020]

It seems to me that being from a family of exceptionally educated professionals, he may, no, does feel some need to accommodate the expectations that may or may not have been expressed within his family circle. Does he have siblings? What do they do?

[preraph]

First, don't make any plans taking into consideration anything he has said. Realize that he could say all this and then if things got serious and you got married and had kids, this very same man could want you to stay home and raise the kids, and meanwhile you have more debt than you could handle. So don't make decisions based on him until and unless you become engaged and before you agree to that, you would have to discuss having children and the expectations there. Seriously, this can happen. Someone I know at work's husband was kind of snooty about East Coast schools and made her feel like he valued her getting better education and then she did but once she started work he told her it wasn't enough money to be worth it (only because he did not want to do half the kid things, taking them to school, etc, and housework). So don't make plans on what a man says. Do what is best for yourself and then stick to your own life plan for if you work after kids, or if you even have kids. Relationships can fail and a man who has kept working through having kids compared to a woman who has will come out the other side of a divorce with a solid career and the woman will be starting all over and at a disadvantage.

 

 

 

Second, I've found very few men who actually want the woman to have a big career. There are some, but I don't think it's the majority. It's good he encourages you, but he's not your father and you don't need to do what he advocates. He may completely reverse himself later. A nursing career is a good choice. A doctor career, you'd never see your kids or your spouse because it's all-consuming. nursing is long hours too and you'd need some type of nanny if you were on your own or had a working spouse, but you do get some days off in a row.

[SammySammy]

First, don't make any plans taking into consideration anything he has said. Realize that he could say all this and then if things got serious and you got married and had kids, this very same man could want you to stay home and raise the kids, and meanwhile you have more debt than you could handle. So don't make decisions based on him until and unless you become engaged and before you agree to that, you would have to discuss having children and the expectations there. Seriously, this can happen. Someone I know at work's husband was kind of snooty about East Coast schools and made her feel like he valued her getting better education and then she did but once she started work he told her it wasn't enough money to be worth it (only because he did not want to do half the kid things, taking them to school, etc, and housework). So don't make plans on what a man says. Do what is best for yourself and then stick to your own life plan for if you work after kids, or if you even have kids. Relationships can fail and a man who has kept working through having kids compared to a woman who has will come out the other side of a divorce with a solid career and the woman will be starting all over and at a disadvantage.

 

 

 

Second, I've found very few men who actually want the woman to have a big career. There are some, but I don't think it's the majority. It's good he encourages you, but he's not your father and you don't need to do what he advocates. He may completely reverse himself later. A nursing career is a good choice. A doctor career, you'd never see your kids or your spouse because it's all-consuming. nursing is long hours too and you'd need some type of nanny if you were on your own or had a working spouse, but you do get some days off in a row.

 

You're right in that she should do what is best for her until serious decisions about marriage and family are being made. Totally right.

 

She should just be aware of the role education plays in some upwardly mobile families. Even for the women in the family including those that marry into it.

 

As she gets to know him and his family, it may be a good idea to pay attention to the family dynamics. There may be an unspoken expectation there. That's all I'm saying.

[miss.lost]

First, don't make any plans taking into consideration anything he has said. Realize that he could say all this and then if things got serious and you got married and had kids, this very same man could want you to stay home and raise the kids, and meanwhile you have more debt than you could handle. So don't make decisions based on him until and unless you become engaged and before you agree to that, you would have to discuss having children and the expectations there. Seriously, this can happen. Someone I know at work's husband was kind of snooty about East Coast schools and made her feel like he valued her getting better education and then she did but once she started work he told her it wasn't enough money to be worth it (only because he did not want to do half the kid things, taking them to school, etc, and housework). So don't make plans on what a man says. Do what is best for yourself and then stick to your own life plan for if you work after kids, or if you even have kids. Relationships can fail and a man who has kept working through having kids compared to a woman who has will come out the other side of a divorce with a solid career and the woman will be starting all over and at a disadvantage.

 

 

 

Second, I've found very few men who actually want the woman to have a big career. There are some, but I don't think it's the majority. It's good he encourages you, but he's not your father and you don't need to do what he advocates. He may completely reverse himself later. A nursing career is a good choice. A doctor career, you'd never see your kids or your spouse because it's all-consuming. nursing is long hours too and you'd need some type of nanny if you were on your own or had a working spouse, but you do get some days off in a row.

 

I do have plans to get MSN (with or without him). However, I hate this feeling that if i am with him, I would feel pressured to get it. Right now, I am beyond exhausted with school and work and I don't really have any social life. Therefore, if I just wake up one day and decide to be RN, enjoy life and never go to school again, I would feel like he would be disappointed and even embarrassed of his "nurse" girlfriend/wife. Again, I know this is all in my head but I hate that I can't just be whatever I decide to be and still be comfortable with him.

[thefooloftheyear]

I do have plans to get MSN (with or without him). However, I hate this feeling that if i am with him, I would feel pressured to get it. Right now, I am beyond exhausted with school and work and I don't really have any social life. Therefore, if I just wake up one day and decide to be RN, enjoy life and never go to school again, I would feel like he would be disappointed and even embarrassed of his "nurse" girlfriend/wife. Again, I know this is all in my head but I hate that I can't just be whatever I decide to be and still be comfortable with him.

 

 

IME, the better you look will be inversely proportionate to the amount he really cares....In the long haul...

 

TFY

[elaine567]

I know some fairly well educated people can be somewhat clueless about the career paths of others, and the nurse to doctor one is a pretty common misconception.

[preraph]

You're right in that she should do what is best for her until serious decisions about marriage and family are being made. Totally right.

 

She should just be aware of the role education plays in some upwardly mobile families. Even for the women in the family including those that marry into it.

 

As she gets to know him and his family, it may be a good idea to pay attention to the family dynamics. There may be an unspoken expectation there. That's all I'm saying.

 

Agreed, but if their visions are different, then why conform to his?

[preraph]

I do have plans to get MSN (with or without him). However, I hate this feeling that if i am with him, I would feel pressured to get it. Right now, I am beyond exhausted with school and work and I don't really have any social life. Therefore, if I just wake up one day and decide to be RN, enjoy life and never go to school again, I would feel like he would be disappointed and even embarrassed of his "nurse" girlfriend/wife. Again, I know this is all in my head but I hate that I can't just be whatever I decide to be and still be comfortable with him.

 

You do what level you are comfortable with. One thing you want to do is leave time to have a LIFE outside work. Otherwise, what IS the point of living?