Dinner Date w/Boyfriend - NO CONVERSATION

[LoveBug143]

ok let me just preface this post with this... our relationship has been strained with intimacy issues. My boyfriend of 2 years has testosterone deficiency. He's currently being treated but no success yet. So basically NO SEX, no romance, no physical interactions.. at all. Its a huge strain; however, we've managed to remain together because we enjoy the companionship and support of one another. Anyways, with that said, tonight he took me out on a dinner date and we literally had NO CONVERSATION. I felt so uncomfortable that as soon as we finished dessert, i suggested that we get the check and go. Now we're both home and its awkward. Is it unrealistic to expect conversation over every dinner date? I don't know.. for some reason this just feels wrong. Open to any thoughts and feedback..... :-/

[Arieswoman]

Lovebug,

This is a joke right?

 

You have been with this guy for 2 years with no romance, no sex, and no physical interaction.

 

Sorry to pop your bubble but you don't have a bf, you have a room-mate.

 

Its a huge strain; however, we've managed to remain together because we enjoy the companionship and support of one another.

 

Sounds like co-dependency to me.....

 

tonight he took me out on a dinner date and we literally had NO CONVERSATION.

 

Just exactly are you getting out of this association? I won't say "relationship" because it isn't one.

 

IMO you need to ask yourself if this is really what you want for the future, because it doesn't sound to me like it will get any better.

 

Are you sure his problem is low testosterone? Treatment for this should show an improvement within a couple of weeks.

[carhill]

Since this has been going on awhile, IMO you have a decision to make. If you were married I'd suggest investing in MC to attempt to sort things out or at least minimize damage from ending the relationship. If you're similarly entangled legally in this live-in relationship, perhaps that would be a healthy avenue of resolution.

 

I get that his libido is low. I remember feeling similar back when I was caregiving and my now exW complained about that. Still, I loved her and showed her affection and all that other husband-ly stuff. It was just once or twice a week if we were lucky on the making love part. Your guy appears to have no visible indications of loving you as a romantic partner at all.

 

My .02 as an old guy is this.... life is short. Don't waste it. There are billions of guys in the world. Besides, life isn't so bad by yourself anyway. I live alone now and would rather be alone than in an unhealthy marriage or relationship. MC helped clarify all that stuff.

 

If you feel stuck, give it a try...

[coolheadal]

ok let me just preface this post with this... our relationship has been strained with intimacy issues. My boyfriend of 2 years has testosterone deficiency. He's currently being treated but no success yet. So basically NO SEX, no romance, no physical interactions.. at all. Its a huge strain; however, we've managed to remain together because we enjoy the companionship and support of one another. Anyways, with that said, tonight he took me out on a dinner date and we literally had NO CONVERSATION. I felt so uncomfortable that as soon as we finished dessert, i suggested that we get the check and go. Now we're both home and its awkward. Is it unrealistic to expect conversation over every dinner date? I don't know.. for some reason this just feels wrong. Open to any thoughts and feedback..... :-/

 

testosterone deficiency

(white mushrooms) eaten RAW works wonders for men 18 and up...

better performance in bed.. Larger white mushroom and you only need to eat just one.

 

Everything else you said here is normal sometimes sounds like you two need a break from each other. Why not leave and tell him I need space, time, break from you.. Say it nice. After a few weeks without him see how it is. During that time he might contact you (in person), if he doesn't make contact you know what you have build-up has ended.

 

Some advise off the record, is that you really shouldn't waste your time in this relationship because it's toxic at most and you are clearly unhappy and your letting your ego be drained. His is a mess to begin with. You can't help him at all. Because that's his comfort-zone and that is who is all about! Wrong man for you. That's off the record.

[MidwestUSA]

How long has he been under treatment with T supplementation? Is he still on an antidepressant?

 

It could be that the AD is canceling out the T, as men with normal T also are adversely affected by ADs (sexually).

 

It sounds like he's still seriously depressed. Did he offer any reason for lack of conversation? Was he sulky, pissy, or just quiet? There are times I want to go out with H and just EAT, without trivial chit chat, or heavy convo about life's troubles, so who knows?

[guest569]

Do you spend a lot of time together? Do you think he felt awkward at the dinner? Did either of you try making any conversation?

[d0nnivain]

I'm the talker. My husband is the listener. Early on in our relationship I had to keep the conversation going. There are still more & longer silences then I'm good with but to spend an entire meal without saying a word is ridiculous.

 

Are you sure you genuinely enjoy the companionship of a man who doesn't talk to you, doesn't give you any physical touch & doesn't have sex with you or are you just afraid to move on?

[Gaeta]

I have read your history and here is my theory.

 

Last summer your boyfriend stopped being intimate with you. You went on a long period with no sex. Then in April 2017 he went to the doctor and got his low testosterone diagnostic. That is 8 months with no sex. We are July and by the sound of it you are still not intimate.

 

In April 2017 you posted your boyfriend was finally being treated but with such a long period of no sex you had lost sexual attraction toward him.

 

So I am reading in all this that you both fell out of love because of the lack of intimicy. In a romantic relationship the sex is like the glue holding everything together, without it you are simply friends-roommates. You have neglected the *intimicy* of this relationship for so long that it's now dead.

 

This relationship is over. I am sorry.

[Redhead14]

ok let me just preface this post with this... our relationship has been strained with intimacy issues. My boyfriend of 2 years has testosterone deficiency. He's currently being treated but no success yet. So basically NO SEX, no romance, no physical interactions.. at all. Its a huge strain; however, we've managed to remain together because we enjoy the companionship and support of one another. Anyways, with that said, tonight he took me out on a dinner date and we literally had NO CONVERSATION. I felt so uncomfortable that as soon as we finished dessert, i suggested that we get the check and go. Now we're both home and its awkward. Is it unrealistic to expect conversation over every dinner date? I don't know.. for some reason this just feels wrong. Open to any thoughts and feedback..... :-/

 

we enjoy the companionship and support of one another. -- Do you???

 

It seems to me that you are the only one providing companionship and support. This guy is checked out emotionally and physically, so what are you getting out of all this? Nothing. You are in a one-sided, unsatisfying relationship. It's not really his fault that he can't be what you need, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. You two aren't married, but can you see out to the future and living for years like this?

 

All that being said, how long has he been seeking treatment and does he keep up with what he's supposed to do? Consistently taking his meds, etc. Is he making a serious effort to address his issue? Relief won't happen overnight. What does his doctor say is the usual period of time before a man starts seeing improvement?

 

Does he understand how this is affecting you? Do you communicate with him about it without being critical? Even if he's having trouble, he should at least be trying to accommodate your emotional needs. He can be affectionate if he's keeping a positive attitude and really cares about your needs. If not, I'd leave him. He needs to be making some effort at least.

[divegrl]

What happened to love and loyalty? Your boyfriend has a medical condition he is trying to work thru. He is seeking professional help and I'm sure is very discouraged right now.

 

Encourage and support him during this time. It will help build a solid relationship that can be strong during the highs and lows.

 

Good luck my friend!!!!!!

[Michelle ma Belle]

When one person is responsible for the lack of or removal of intimacy altogether regardless of the reasons for it, no sex inevitably becomes the enormous pink elephant in the room. Simple fact. Unless the other partner couldn't care less about sex in which case it's a wash.

 

I don't see that being the case with you or with many who come on here to vent.

 

Having been in a relationship with someone where sex disappeared at his doing, engaging in normal conversations like we once had definitely went on a serious decline the longer we went without sex. No doubt about it.

 

Was he a talker before or was he just as quiet?

 

I agree with others who question your comment about enjoying each other's companionship and support. That may be what you originally felt at one time but it's clear the low T issues and lack of sex are taking a toll whether you realize it or not.

 

I think it's great that your boyfriend is doing something about his problem - that's certainly more than most men or women do when faced with physical/health related issues regarding their libido - and I think you owe it to your relationship to give him a bit of time to sort through it in a timely manner.

 

And I say 'timely manner' because you don't want to be here in another year or two or 10 complaining about the same problem! Being patient and understanding and waiting around for your partner is commendable but at some point you have to realize when it's time to re-evaluate your situation so you're not wasting too many years waiting on someone who isn't getting 'better' either by choice or by design. Unless that's a conscious choice you're making and willing to live with indefinitely.

 

The thing that really concerns me is the total lack of intimacy in your relationship. It's one thing to have a sexual problem and it's another thing to NOT engage romantically at all with your partner. Two separate issues altogether in my opinion.

 

There are countless ways to remain intimate and therefore connected without having PIV sex. Yes, penetration is obviously the end goal here but until that is remedied, there is no excuse for not being creative about how to go about things in order to safeguard your relationship.

 

The fact that any kind of romance or affection is absent from your relationship is very concerning and something you need to think about and discuss with him. It doesn't have to be so black and white.

 

Good luck.

[Redhead14]

What happened to love and loyalty? Your boyfriend has a medical condition he is trying to work thru. He is seeking professional help and I'm sure is very discouraged right now.

 

Encourage and support him during this time. It will help build a solid relationship that can be strong during the highs and lows.

 

Good luck my friend!!!!!!

 

She's been supporting him completely for over a year . . . they are not married. She is still in the evaluation stage of her relationship. He may not be physically able to give her what she needs and he may be struggling with some depression over loss of "manhood". However, he can and should be supporting her emotionally, at least, and attempting to satisfy her in other ways. He's showing her that he completely pushes a partner away significantly in times of difficulty. That doesn't bode well for future difficult times. A partner should be supportive, of course, but support can only be given if the other person really wants it and accepts that support in an active way. He's not engaging on any level.

 

Support is one thing, but after awhile, if it's not being responded to or accepted/reciprocated, it actually becomes more of a matter of enabling . . .

Edited July 11, 2017 by Redhead14

[Gaeta]

ok let me just preface this post with this... our relationship has been strained with intimacy issues. My boyfriend of 2 years has testosterone deficiency. He's currently being treated but no success yet.

 

I am reading that testosterone therapy should kick in between 4 to 6 weeks. If he started his treatment in April like you posted in your last thread it means he is close to 14 weeks in this therapy. When you say the treatments are not sucessful do you mean because he has not regained his libido? or because is blood test still show low testosterone? Which would make no sense if he is getting his regular shots.

 

In your first thread you said when you met him your boyfriend was dealing with depression and was on anti-depressants. Is he still on anti-depressants?

 

Anti-depressant are known for killing sexual drive.

 

I am thinking your boyfriend is dealing with a series of problems and not just one. His blood test might as well show a normal level of testosterones but he won't regain his normal sex drive if he's still on anti-depressants.

 

I am reading you only had sex like 4 times in your first year of dating. I am seeing this a a long-term problem, maybe even a permanent problem.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I will second Gaeta's comment about anti-depressants. Having been on them myself, I can testify to this. Thankfully there are many other brands on the market these days that have little to no effect on libido but that has to be something discussed with his doctor. Most doctors won't bother even asking the question about the importance of sex when they're focusing on getting you out of a dark place.

 

Again, this goes back to HIS desire to work on making things better for himself and for your relationship. If that feels like too much on his plate than perhaps you need to reassess your relationship because I can tell you from experience, it rarely gets better. HE needs to be part of the overall solution and needs to be actively engaging in ways that will improve his life.

 

A pill will only do so much.

[BaileyB]

Yeah, not sure why you are dating a man when there is no romance, intimacy, or sex. That is a friend, not a boyfriend.

 

I hope that things improve for him with treatment, but I think there are more issues here than low testosterone. I think you really need to think about whether you want to stay with a man who struggles with depression and has no interest in physical intimacy with you - this has already been a long term problem in your relationship. How much longer are you going to wait?

[smackie9]

I think you should stay friends since you enjoy each others company, and you date other people. It would make total sense.

 

IMO it's more than low T. It's quite possible he is sexually confused, possibly gay. Maybe it's getting to the point he wants to come out but is afraid to break the news to you....that could be why he is shutting down and things are awkward.

[LoveBug143]

Thanks for your reply. Literally 2 days after I posted this, I decided to end my relationship. I couldn't take another day living with someone, who I truly love, and not getting any intimacy from them in any way, shape or form. It was torturous and I needed to realize that it was an unhealthy relationship. I've been feeling really down about the break up so far but my gut tells me I made the right decision and reading everyone's responses, confirms it. Now on to healing and working on myself. Thank God for this community!

 

 

 

 

Lovebug,

This is a joke right?

 

You have been with this guy for 2 years with no romance, no sex, and no physical interaction.

 

Sorry to pop your bubble but you don't have a bf, you have a room-mate.

 

 

 

Sounds like co-dependency to me.....

 

 

 

Just exactly are you getting out of this association? I won't say "relationship" because it isn't one.

 

IMO you need to ask yourself if this is really what you want for the future, because it doesn't sound to me like it will get any better.

 

Are you sure his problem is low testosterone? Treatment for this should show an improvement within a couple of weeks.

[LoveBug143]

Thanks for your reply. Literally 2 days after I posted this, I decided to end my relationship. I couldn't take another day living with someone, who I truly love, and not getting any intimacy from them in any way, shape or form. It was torturous and I needed to realize that it was an unhealthy relationship. I've been feeling really down about the break up so far but my gut tells me I made the right decision and reading everyone's responses, confirms it. Now on to healing and working on myself. Thank God for this community!

 

 

 

 

Since this has been going on awhile, IMO you have a decision to make. If you were married I'd suggest investing in MC to attempt to sort things out or at least minimize damage from ending the relationship. If you're similarly entangled legally in this live-in relationship, perhaps that would be a healthy avenue of resolution.

 

I get that his libido is low. I remember feeling similar back when I was caregiving and my now exW complained about that. Still, I loved her and showed her affection and all that other husband-ly stuff. It was just once or twice a week if we were lucky on the making love part. Your guy appears to have no visible indications of loving you as a romantic partner at all.

 

My .02 as an old guy is this.... life is short. Don't waste it. There are billions of guys in the world. Besides, life isn't so bad by yourself anyway. I live alone now and would rather be alone than in an unhealthy marriage or relationship. MC helped clarify all that stuff.

 

If you feel stuck, give it a try...

[LoveBug143]

Thanks for your reply. Literally 2 days after I posted this, I decided to end my relationship. I couldn't take another day living with someone, who I truly love, and not getting any intimacy from them in any way, shape or form. It was torturous and I needed to realize that it was an unhealthy relationship. I've been feeling really down about the break up so far but my gut tells me I made the right decision and reading everyone's responses, confirms it. Now on to healing and working on myself. Thank God for this community!

 

 

testosterone deficiency

(white mushrooms) eaten RAW works wonders for men 18 and up...

better performance in bed.. Larger white mushroom and you only need to eat just one.

 

Everything else you said here is normal sometimes sounds like you two need a break from each other. Why not leave and tell him I need space, time, break from you.. Say it nice. After a few weeks without him see how it is. During that time he might contact you (in person), if he doesn't make contact you know what you have build-up has ended.

 

Some advise off the record, is that you really shouldn't waste your time in this relationship because it's toxic at most and you are clearly unhappy and your letting your ego be drained. His is a mess to begin with. You can't help him at all. Because that's his comfort-zone and that is who is all about! Wrong man for you. That's off the record.

[LoveBug143]

You hit the nail on the head.. I was afraid to move in. A few days ago I broke up with him, I think it was the right decision. Now im just dealing with this break up. NOT easy at all! But taking it one day at a time.

 

 

I'm the talker. My husband is the listener. Early on in our relationship I had to keep the conversation going. There are still more & longer silences then I'm good with but to spend an entire meal without saying a word is ridiculous.

 

Are you sure you genuinely enjoy the companionship of a man who doesn't talk to you, doesn't give you any physical touch & doesn't have sex with you or are you just afraid to move on?

[LoveBug143]

Thanks for all of your replies!! I decided to end the relationship. I just couldn't take it anymore. Living with someone who shows absolutely no interest in being intimate. I think that given this has been going on for over a year and a half, and me remaining faithful and patient... I can honestly walk away from this knowing that i gave my all. Maybe even too much of myself. So what does this say about me? Now its time to hit the reset button and do some rebuilding. It hurts and i feel super sad, but all of your replies really reassured me that walking away was the right thing to do. Time to love me, get my self esteem back up and heal.

[BaileyB]

All the best to you.

[OatsAndHall]

I can chime in from the medical side of things here.

 

I picked up multiple concussions from playing sports in my teens and twenties. Some of these blows to the head resulted in cerebral spinal fluid leaking into the space where my pituitary gland sits and it screwed up all kinds of hormones, including my testosterone. My sex drive waxed and waned until it finally just crashed in my early thirties. It took an MRI and multiple rounds of blood testing to get it figured out.

 

I began testosterone treatment for it several years ago and it took a solid nine months for me to dial it in and even things out. People don't realize that a portion of the exogenous testosterone that you are treated with is aromatised to estrogen and elevated estrogen levels result in a low libido. I had this issue straight off the bat and was put on a medication to lower the estrogen levels. But, small doses of that medication crashed my estrogen levels which also resulted in a low libido. It finally took me going against my doctor's orders and lowering my testosterone dose to get everything sorted out. Once I did, my libido came screaming back, I lost nearly 80lbs, my blood pressure dropped to healthy levels and my blood sugar wasn't all over the place.

 

So, this is something to consider when discussing low-testosterone issues. There's a lot more to it than just putting on a creme or taking a shot. In fact, the standard treatment for low-testosterone is 200mgs per week which we have found to be way too high. It's taking the medical community awhile to figure all of this stuff out.