Advice needed in dating a very emotionally unstable woman

[DashRiprock]

Sorry for the novel, but I really need some advice here. I think I may be getting Love Bombed…

 

The girl I’m dating and I recently decided to become exclusive. We have had an absolute blast the past month or so hiking, dining, whitewater rafting, dining out, paddle boarding and just enjoying each other’s company. We see each other every 3-4 days. We text in-between our dates but not incessantly. The chemistry is really good between us. There is a lot of mutual attraction and we really seem to be “into” each other. The conversation is good and we just generally have a lot of fun together. I’m 10+ years older than her and I think she sees me as a confident, established, stable force in her life.

 

I’m not professing I’m perfect in any way in that I have many flaws, but I know this girl has some serious issues. I’ve learned she doesn’t communicate regularly with her family and hasn’t seen them in over 10 years (they are over 1000 miles away). From what I can piece together she grew up in an abusive household (according to her) but she didn’t provide much detail. She has very few friends and considers her current roommate whom she met at work about a year ago as her “best friend.” She’s 34, but does seem a bit immature for her age. She goes to a session of some sort each Wednesday morning for PTSD but hasn’t elaborated. She does take a SSRI (Prozac) she claims is really for her IBS symptoms. She doesn’t have a stable career (currently works retail 30-40 hours/week) and seems to change jobs and living situations fairly often. She has no car (not super uncommon for where we live) and very little money. She has also joked about doing illicit drugs on a few occasions—too much in fact that it is raising suspicions. I’ve asked her calmly if she used, like it would be no big deal, and she denied using any form of illegal drugs, though I think I have doubts about it.

 

We had a great time on Sunday paddle boarding. There’s always a lot of affection, fun, chemistry, and communication with us. We came back to my place and ate some dinner and then had really great sex as we always do, just saying. We then walked my dog to the dog park and there were a few people there. There was one very good-looking woman (maybe 40?) there. As we were leaving, I did look at the woman for maybe 2-3 seconds and my girlfriend who was 10 feet behind me starts yelling “Do you see something you like < my name>!!??” It was embarrassing but I shrugged it off and calmly walked out of the park. As we were walking home she kept on me about what I liked about the girl. I said all I did was glance at the group and then I said ok, I like the way she wore her hair just to end the conversation. I reminded my gf I was with her--and her only (we agreed to a committed relationship about a week ago) --and I put my arm around her and tried to reassure her. She continued to barrage me with other insults and nit-picks and then started walking 20-30 feet behind me and my dog. I kept telling her to come with us but she wouldn’t. Finally, I walked towards her and I was very firm and said I didn’t like her behavior and that she was acting very strange. I told her to come with us, again, and she just stood there 20 feet behind me. So, I started walking home. I get home and she shows up 5 minutes later, laughing to herself. She goes upstairs, changes into nicer clothes she initially came over with, and heads for the door. I called her name, but she said she had no interest in anything I wanted to say. I offered her a ride home but she said she could get one (I doubt it). She lives maybe 1.5 miles away along well-lit roads so I assume she just walked.

 

I’m absolutely baffled by the bizarre behavior especially after the awesome day and month we had and how close we were getting. She seems to be wildly jealous and is always asking (somewhat jokingly) how many women hit on me today or approached me. Truth be told, I do keep in very good, almost competitive shape, and am a former male model so I have been blessed with good genes but also work hard to stay in top shape.

 

Does anyone have any experience in dating a woman with serious emotional instability issues? I’m 50/50 on ending this, but, nobody is perfect. I know people are people including me and as mentioned, there’s also a lot to like about her. But I’m wondering if this benign event is what I would have to look forward to many more times if I were to be with her long term. I think she may have some serious psychological/emotional issues.

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

Dash

[RecentChange]

Dude, the second must be really good to want to invite that level of drama in your life.

 

She sounds instable.... Is that really what you want in a partner?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Yeah, I think you can expect more of the same with this one . It seems like she really has a lot of issues she's not being completely open about (and that's ok, her prerogative).

[Zahara]

It's not a benign event. It's insight into how she deals with conflict and communication. Prepare for much of the same and I'm sure it's going to get worse in the long run. Along with the other red flags, I'm not sure what's keeping you blind and staying.

[SevenCity]

It just gets worse. Once the honeymoon period ends and people get more comfortable you start seeing who they really are.

 

I just broke up with my girlfriend yesterday as the drama was too much to bare. It sucks because, when things were good, they were great. We had amazing sex and she had tons of great qualities about her..and was hot.

 

But I finally snapped when we had our second fight this weekend and realized she was not going to change and had to end it. It sucks because this is the first girl I met in almost a year that I actually wanted to make a girlfriend and we were together almost 4 months.

 

But as I was sitting there being berated I realized I could not deal with it long term. Sure, I had a couple more months left in me to put up with it but at that point I would have been further invested.

 

Your gf, like my ex gf, will not change. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave. It really sucks leaving someone you care about but what's worse is having it drag on to the point where you get roped into the hot / cold cycles like an abuse victim. Then one day they'll leave you and crush your world.

 

Good luck brother.

[Gr8fuln2020]

She seems to be wildly jealous and is always asking (somewhat jokingly) how many women hit on me today or approached me. Truth be told, I do keep in very good, almost competitive shape, and am a former male model so I have been blessed with good genes but also work hard to stay in top shape.

 

Does anyone have any experience in dating a woman with serious emotional instability issues? I’m 50/50 on ending this, but, nobody is perfect. I know people are people including me and as mentioned, there’s also a lot to like about her. But I’m wondering if this benign event is what I would have to look forward to many more times if I were to be with her long term. I think she may have some serious psychological/emotional issues.

 

Any thoughts appreciated.

 

Thank you.

 

Dash

 

Dash,

 

Read the conclusions you independently developed regarding this woman above. Do you want to be in a relationship with a woman you feel has 'serious' issue as mentioned?

 

I can tell you that she is the insecure type for certain. Especially if she feels that you are (and you feel) as attractive as you seem. She may already be placing defensive walls to pre-empt what she feels will be a foregone conclusion...that you will find better, someone more attractive. This is not what will happen, rather what she insecurely feels will happen.

[BaileyB]

Why are you dating an emotionally unstable woman? Seriously.

[basil67]

Mate, have you read the title you used? That alone should tell you to get the heck away from her.

[d0nnivain]

Unless you were ogling the other woman & practically drooling, your STBEXGF's behavior was unreasonable.

 

 

She will never act any better than this. So you need to think long & hard about whether you want more of this drama.

[Woggle]

The best advice is don't date her.

[JuneJulySeptember]

We then walked my dog to the dog park and there were a few people there. There was one very good-looking woman (maybe 40?) there. As we were leaving, I did look at the woman for maybe 2-3 seconds and my girlfriend who was 10 feet behind me starts yelling “Do you see something you like < my name>!!??”

 

Dash

 

:lmao:

[Popsicle]

This will only get worse. I have a friend like this that I've been knowing for over a decade. She runs all her men away with her insane jealousy and constant drama. She can't stop.

[mortensorchid]

So this woman is emotionally unstable despite the meds she is taking (or isn't taking - there are many people out there who are on meds for something that you do not know about and are living perfectly happy lives btw but that's another story), you know that she is unstable, and yet you continue to see her?

 

I think it's in the statement that you made about the sex being great. The Crazy Girls (like the Bad Boys) are usually great in the sack, and you are blinded by the light. I knew gals who are/were crazy like her (as she sounds bipolar) who were like this, often times accusing their bfs who they go through like Kleenex of cheating when they in fact are the ones doing the cheating. Or at least thinking about it.

 

I would reconsider your status with this gal. You don't want this hassle truly, do you? Fun is fun but there is a point when the drama gets to be too much.

[Woggle]

It's a myth that unstable women are the best in bed. I am with a sane and stable woman and it is the best sex of my life. I have slept with crazy and it can't compare. There is no plus whatsoever to being involved with a woman like this.

[DashRiprock]

Hey all,

 

Thank you for the replies. Yeah, pretty much what I expected. Maybe it's in my DNA, or that I'm a Leo, or something else, but I see a woman who had a really rough upbringing and feel maybe a strong man in her life would do her some good. But, I don't tolerate bad behavior or disrespect and communicated that. She walked out after I said that.

 

There is/was just so much chemistry, attraction and fun when things were good which they were for quite a while.

 

But, as most of you posted, a "leopard doesn't change its spots." I agree.

 

Damn, this is really hard.

[Downtown]

I think she may have some serious psychological/emotional issues.

Dash, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., strong irrational jealousy, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums and cold withdrawal, lack of impulse control (e.g., drug experimentation), and always being "The Victim" -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your GF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she might exhibit strong traits of it.

 

She seems to be wildly jealous.

If she is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she has a great fear of abandonment. Indeed, "Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment" is one of the nine defining symptoms for BPD.

 

She grew up in an abusive household.

A recent large-scale study found that 70% of full-blown BPDers report that they had been abused or abandoned in childhood. Granted, most abused children do not develop BPD. Such abuse, however, greatly raises their risk for doing so.

 

She has very few friends and considers her current roommate whom she met at work about a year ago as her “best friend.”

If she is a BPDer, the lack of any close long-term friends is to be expected. In addition to the abandonment fear, BPDers also have a great fear of engulfment -- i.e., a scary feeling of being suffocated and controlled by someone during intimacy. Hence, when casual friends make the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer, they will eventually start triggering her fears of abandonment and engulfment. The result is that a BPDer will eventually push them away, usually by creating a fight out of thin air -- over nothing at all.

 

She goes to a session of some sort each Wednesday morning for PTSD.

Having strong traits of BPD greatly increases a person's risk of developing PTSD. A recent randomized study found that 47% of females having full-blown BPD develop co-occurring PTSD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.

 

She does take a SSRI (Prozac) she claims is really for her IBS symptoms.

That same 2008 study found that 81% of female BPDers have a co-occurring anxiety disorder such as panic disorder, social phobia, IBS, fybromyalgia, or generalized anxiety. Again, see Table 3 of that study.

 

I did look at the woman for maybe 2-3 seconds.

Likewise, with my BPDer exW, looking at another attractive woman for a full second instead of a half second would be sufficient to trigger her abandonment fear. It also could be triggered by something as minor as my walking a few paces ahead of her on a crowded narrow sidewalk -- which she misinterpreted to imply that I was losing interest in her or not wanting to be seen with her.

 

We have had an absolute blast the past month or so.

A BPDer's dark side typically does not show until you are 4 or 6 months into the relationship. Until then, her infatuation convinces her that you are the nearly perfect man who has ridden in on a white horse to rescue her from unhappiness. In that way, the infatuation holds her two great fears at bay. As soon as the infatuation starts to evaporate, however, both fears return and it is impossible to avoid triggering them. If your GF is a high functioning BPDer, I'm somewhat surprised you didn't get at least another two months before triggering her fears.

 

There’s also a lot to like about her.

Most BPDers are not only easy to like but also easy to love. They typically exhibit a spontaneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise is seen only in young children. It thus is not surprising that two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

 

But I’m wondering if this benign event is what I would have to look forward to many more times if I were to be with her long term.

If she actually is a BPDer, I agree with Zahara, SevenCity, and Popsicle that your GF's behavior almost certainly will get worse. Much worse. Hence, if you're not yet willing to walk away, I suggest you protect yourself by learning BPD warning signs so you know what behaviors to look for.

 

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your GF exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, cold withdrawals, verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.

 

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your GF's issues. Although BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your GF back or running into the arms of another woman just like her.

 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Dash.

Edited July 11, 2017 by Downtown

[DashRiprock]

Downtown,

 

Thank you so much for the detailed info on BPD. Wow, my (soon ex)gf displays many/most of these warning signs . I will definitely look at the links you provided.

 

It just absolutely breaks my heart.

[DashRiprock]

Here is an update--and I need some help:

 

- I had no idea what BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) was 5 days ago but, I’ve read a lot of articles, and do now thanks to Downtown. My (likely now ex) girlfriend displays >90% of the criteria. She is definitely BPD—and a strong positive.

- We had, by her admission, the best day of the summer on Sunday (5 days ago) and then had a huge blowout later that same day—see my OP.

- There has been NC by either if us since Sunday with the exception of the text by her on Tuesday asking when/where she can pick up her jacket. I message back saying I’d take it to the gym and leave it at the front desk for her to pick up.

- I do care about her. I see BPD no different than high cholesterol or high blood pressure or a thyroid problem. It’s a medical condition. BUT, the BPD person needs to choose how to address the medical problem. I know she goes to therapy once a week.

- As far as the NC goes, I feel I didn’t do anything wrong so I’m not reaching out. I feel it would be supplicating and giving her permission for her bad behavior if I did contact her. During her tantrum on Sunday, I was very firm in that I told her I didn’t like her behavior and I stood my ground. I wasn’t mean or yelling just, very firm. She stood about 20 feet away with her mouth literally open, then we walked home alone and separately. She came in 5 minutes after me packed up and walked out. She’s very attractive so my guess is every other guy supplicates to her. Well, I don’t and didn’t and never will do that and I think it surprised her. See the OP for more details.

 

If anyone here is experienced in dealing with a BPD partner, I have a few questions:

 

1-Do they realize how irrational they act and have any remorse—even days later? Or, is it always the other person’s (me) fault? If I acted this way for whatever reason to my S.O., I’d probably call asap and apologize out of fear of losing them. So far, I’ve received no word after 5 days.

 

2-I’ve read much about BPD and the articles all mentioned “Splitting” and “Black and White Thinking.” I was gleaming white 5 days ago but now probably black as coal. How do I manage this? Do they usually come around at some point and try to reconnect? It was an intimate, committed relationship—that she really pressed for.

 

3- What are the prospects of at least some semblance of a healthy relationship with a person with strong BPD? ALL relationships have their hang-ups, but these seem extraordinary.

 

Any advice appreciated.

 

Thanks.

[RecentChange]

My mother in law has BPD. I can't even begin to describe the damage her condition has done to her whole family - including the eventual suicide of her husband (just mentioning BPD gives me anxiety due to the hell she put me through, which is nothing compared to what her family endured).

 

- I do care about her. I see BPD no different than high cholesterol or high blood pressure or a thyroid problem. It’s a medical condition. BUT, the BPD person needs to choose how to address the medical problem. I know she goes to therapy once a week.

 

I disagree. High blood pressure wouldn't cause you harm. A person with BPD will make you FEEL CRAZY. They will give you anxiety. They will say and do hateful things. They will manipulate and attempt to control you. Blood pressure doesn't do that.

 

 

If anyone here is experienced in dealing with a BPD partner, I have a few questions:

 

1-Do they realize how irrational they act and have any remorse—even days later? Or, is it always the other person’s (me) fault? If I acted this way for whatever reason to my S.O., I’d probably call asap and apologize out of fear of losing them. So far, I’ve received no word after 5 days.

 

In my experience no. Most I ever heard is "I can be difficult to get along with sometimes". NEVER an actual apology. Its never their fault!

 

3- What are the prospects of at least some semblance of a healthy relationship with a person with strong BPD? ALL relationships have their hang-ups, but these seem extraordinary.

 

In my experience, and reading experiences from others, NONE.

 

I wouldn't wish a BPD partner on my worse enemy. They live in their own personal hell, and try to make everyone else just as miserable.

[guest569]

My view is that regardless of her medical conditions, you will need to weigh up the pros and cons in your mind and base your decision on her actions, not her or Downtown's diagnosis. Also your happiness level. How she treats you, herself and others. Whatever criteria you have. It sounds like extreme highs and lows and that makes this so difficult.

Don't do anything rash but keep your eyes open. Do you often look at other "very good looking women" while you're out with her? Whilst I agree her response was embarrassing it makes me wonder.

[SevenCity]

Do yourself a favor. Remove looks and sex from the equation as the looks will fade and the sex can only be a small percentage of the RL. Make your decision based on what's left.

 

That's what I did. I think my recent ex was a narcissist (my therapist suggested that from my stories). If I look at a pic of her now she is still one of the most beautiful girls I dated. But it's not enough.

 

You have to use logic and logic dictates she will cause you nothing but pain. Arm candy and good sex isn't worth the hassle.

 

She may come back, but will never change.

[Joga_31]

The best advice is don't date her.

 

I agree but it is easier said than done

[elaine567]

- There has been NC by either if us since Sunday with the exception of the text by her on Tuesday asking when/where she can pick up her jacket. I message back saying I’d take it to the gym and leave it at the front desk for her to pick up.

 

Do you really think that after this, she is going to contact you again?

Doesn't sound to me that she will.

[DashRiprock]

Do you often look at other "very good looking women" while you're out with her? Whilst I agree her response was embarrassing it makes me wonder.

 

I do not do this as a habit and especially not overtly while in the presence of a girlfriend. It would be very disrespectful and I know I would not appreciate it. What precipitated the event/blowout was no different than glancing at your watch and continuing to walk along. I didn't make eye contact, smile, speak or do anything to/with the woman, and the gf just blew up.

 

She also regularly asked how many women I thought were going to hit on me that given day. Even before we got to the dog park on Sunday, she said "I would like to let you go in first just to see how many women start hitting on you." The girl was practically infatuated with my looks and felt every other female was too.

 

I think the irony is that her greatest fear, having another woman scoop me up, actually manifested by us breaking up as a result of her jealous insecurity.

 

Is this common for BPD people? Does it ever dissipate? It seems really extreme.

[RecentChange]

 

Is this common for BPD people? Does it ever dissipate? It seems really extreme.

 

What makes you consider inviting this sort of thing into your life?