Does this seem strange to you?

[Fishingpro]

I've been in a relationship for about 6 months. I'm 42 and she is 33. Our relationship is great but there is a perplexing situation she has with her best friend. Her best friend of about 10 years is a 40yr old married guy. I'm fine with having platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Their relationship stands out to for a few reasons. They were roommates years ago, They fooled around but weren't dating but the oddest thing to me is my GF was HIS BEST MAN in his wedding 5 years ago.

 

My GF and her bestie frequently have drinks with their friends and have a weekly trivia game that is "their" time.

 

His wife seems to be ok with this arrangement. If I was his wife I'don't know if I would but that's me.

 

I'm ok with it as well but to an extent. I don't push the issue and I'm trying to keep an open mind about this. I've told my GF I'm ok with her friendship but I've never seen a relationship like the one she has with her bestie. I trust her and feel that she is truthful when she tells me they are only friends.

 

Has anyone encountered a relationship like this? Should I be concerned? I often joke with my GF that she and him should be together but she always scoffs at the idea.

 

 

I really would like to pursue a long term relationship with her I just don't know how her bestie will fit in the picture.

[ExpatInItaly]

Have you met this man, OP?

[Fishingpro]

Have you met this man, OP?

 

 

Yes, I have. We've had some drinks in group settings. Everything seems on the level.

[Ami1uwant]

Yes, I have. We've had some drinks in group settings. Everything seems on the level.

You are overreacting....

 

I believe men and women can just be friends. She has been open about this person and you know when they are meeting et all.

 

How would you feel if this was a woman ??? It likely wouldnt be an issue---which means you have a problem.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I have. We've had some drinks in group settings. Everything seems on the level.

 

Then I think it's probably okay.

 

If she starts prioritizing him over you, then you have a problem. But as it stands, it doesn't appear you have something to worry about.

[mikeylo]

It doesn't matter what others think. You are uncomfortable and that's all that matters.

[Chilli]

Yeah , l dunno. In yours l think l'd be ok for the one thing.

They;ve had all those years right, yet never gotten together and not only bt he married someone else.

So you would think there's nothing there and never will be or it would have been years ago.

l'd feel pretty safe about that myself.

 

Methough , in my 20s l shacked up with a girl for awhile and she had this thing wth her sisters hub.

Thing was though , he was actually after her before the sister but she knocked him back.

Yet they had this thing , l dunno how to explain,

l mean this guy would fart and she'd love it, they talked a lot, she lit up when he cam in,

She had him no 1 friend on FB l saw yrs kater when l found her on FB,

lt was the weirdest thing,

20 yrs later he's still married to the sister and she still has him no 1 friend on FB so she's probably still the same around him.

l actually said to her we we split up , you should get with A , the sister was a b@tch anyway and even as a w didn't even seem to like him very much,treated him like sh@t,

uNDER those kinda circumstances l say why not,

20 yrs later though and they've still never ever gotten together,

Their thing though use to drive me nuts back when.

[Fishingpro]

It's not so much I have a problem with their relationship it's just odd to me. Yes, men and women can be friends. I've never known any that spend so much time together as they do.

 

Chilli - the relationship you described with the sisters hub is sort of similar to what this is.

 

I'm more of a conservative with a little free spirit inside. My gf is more of a free spirit with a little conservative inside. The conservative in me is perhaps conflicted with it.

 

I think it's something I can work through just curious to know what others have experienced.

[elaine567]

Maybe LS has made me cynical, but it seems to me a common scenario posted is that "He was my best friend for years and now we are having an affair."

 

Some even go as far as "We have been best friends for years, so no-one suspects and we all hang out together - his wife and kids and my bf/husband and kids too. We even all go on holiday together. Being best friends is a great cover and means we can spend a lot of time together on our own.

 

So whilst I think some people can be truly best friends, I would be very cautious of getting involved.

There is another man in your relationship and whilst in the first flush of love you may be able to tolerate that, eventually it is going to grate, no matter how platonic it may be. Most of us want to be the "primary" female or male in the relationship and that cannot happen if there is an opposite sex "best friend" in the equation too.

 

His wife seems to be ok with this arrangement. If I was his wife I'don't know if I would but that's me.

I guess, you already know that you are not the type of man to put up with this arrangement long term and I guess she will take great exception to you suggesting that she give up her bestie...

[CloudyHead]

I am dating a guy who has a close female friend. He is 45 and she is 52. She lives with a guy she's been in a relationship with for over a year. I admit it bothered me at first because they did many things together. I think she would date him. I brought up the issue with boyfriend and he admitted that she had wanted to date him but he was not interested in her other than being friends. I befriended her and have done a few things with her myself. They exchange texts every day. Although it bothered me at first, I've gotten over my initial discomfort with it. I trust him. She's actually confided more to me about her personal life than with my boyfriend. So, I think it really comes down to your comfort level and trust with the situation.

[Gaeta]

I usually do well in the weird department. I would trust my intuition on this one. If she'd give me no reason to worry I wouldn't.

 

Did she have a father present growing up? Is it possible he is more a father figure to her?

[1fish2fish]

My best friend from college is a guy, and we were roommates briefly after college. We have monthly lunch dates, and our spouses had no issues with it (I was also roommates with his wife during college, and my then husband had met him and completely trusted me.)

 

Lines have never and were never crossed, and the thought of it turning romantic feels a bit incestuous. If we were attracted to each romantically, we would be together. But we're not and never will be.

 

I second trusting your gut on this one.

[Fishingpro]

My gut says that all is on the level and that she is being honest with me. I'm trying to understand why she has such a strong connection with him. The point about another man being in her life is what I'm hung up on. That was a very valid point.

 

Did she have a father present growing up? Is it possible he is more a father figure to her?

 

No, her father was out of the picture growing up. He wasn't involved until her early teens. She hasn't spoken to him in several years. Her mother died when she was young and has brothers living out of state. She married at 20 but divorced after 2 years.

 

I've often thought of her bestie as being her only real "family"

[central]

Men and women can be platonic friends, even if they've had a romantic or sexual past together. We both have exes who are now close friends, and haven't had any concerns. Some people can't do this successfully, of course, but that's an individual issue, not a generic problem.

[Chilli]

Yeah , tricky business.

To me it depends on the level of it.

like that gf of mine just lit up anytime he was around and hung on every word, every thing he did, too much, that gave me the thorough sh@ts .

lf she was a bit less of that around him and more of that with me,l would've been cool with it.

But then l got the girl didn't l, he didn't , go figure.

 

We went camping with them a few times and we were in and out of our tent all day long ahh , if ya get my drift, where as him and the sister sat around looking pretty miserable.

But l guess gf might have been a bit funny about us on those trips, around him, if there was a him thing, but she was fine. So maybe it was just a friend like thing , l dunno.

Edited July 10, 2017 by Chilli

[Gaeta]

My gut says that all is on the level and that she is being honest with me. I'm trying to understand why she has such a strong connection with him. The point about another man being in her life is what I'm hung up on. That was a very valid point.

 

No, her father was out of the picture growing up. He wasn't involved until her early teens. She hasn't spoken to him in several years. Her mother died when she was young and has brothers living out of state. She married at 20 but divorced after 2 years.

 

I've often thought of her bestie as being her only real "family"

 

I wouldn't be surprised that this male friend brings her the security she lacked from a male role model in her childhood. Even though he is not that older it's all about what he's projecting. His friendship is probably unconditional like the love of a father should be.

[Ieris]

No it doesn't seem strange... my best friend is male and I've seen many other people with male/female side kicks. People often mistake us as a couple but he is my partner in crime, my bitching partner, a shoulder to cry on. We've seen each other at their worst so aren't afraid of being judged by them so are free to be ourselves. It's one of those friends you can call family because you've been through thick and thin, and know you can always count on them.

 

I think I'm extremely lucky to have a true friend like that and will never give up on him over an insecure boyfriend. So, I would say don't see him as a threat and be happy that she is surrounded by good friends who look out for her. As someone has mentioned above, befriend the guy and find a way to make it work, not turn it into a competition.

[Fishingpro]

I appreciate these insightful comments. They have been very helpful and have given me a different perspective

[OatsAndHall]

It is certainly an unusual situation but I wouldn't have any issues with it seeing as she has invited you out with them and you have met him. I have dated a few women who have platonic male friends and it only puts me on edge if she doesn't introduce me to them.

[MountainGirl111]

I don't know....I certainly think people can be good buds/friends with others of the opposite sex. But, you should not discount your OWN feelings on the matter if it bothers you. If something bothers you it bothers you and it will continue to bother you until it no longer bothers you or goes away, whichever comes first, I guess. You've met the bestie and things seemed to be "on the level", so that's a pretty good sign. She was his "best man" at his wedding? Okay, that's new one, but sure, whatever. I'd say that's also another good sign they are just really good friends and even have like a brother/sister type relationship. I know lots of people like that. As long as her relationship with him doesn't seem to be taking away from the relationship with you, it might be okay. But, again, if something bothers you it bothers you. And it's possible you just have to work it out until it doesn't bother you.

[coolheadal]

I've been in a relationship for about 6 months. I'm 42 and she is 33. Our relationship is great but there is a perplexing situation she has with her best friend. Her best friend of about 10 years is a 40yr old married guy. I'm fine with having platonic relationships with the opposite sex. Their relationship stands out to for a few reasons. They were roommates years ago, They fooled around but weren't dating but the oddest thing to me is my GF was HIS BEST MAN in his wedding 5 years ago.

 

My GF and her bestie frequently have drinks with their friends and have a weekly trivia game that is "their" time.

 

His wife seems to be ok with this arrangement. If I was his wife I'don't know if I would but that's me.

 

I'm ok with it as well but to an extent. I don't push the issue and I'm trying to keep an open mind about this. I've told my GF I'm ok with her friendship but I've never seen a relationship like the one she has with her bestie. I trust her and feel that she is truthful when she tells me they are only friends.

 

Has anyone encountered a relationship like this? Should I be concerned? I often joke with my GF that she and him should be together but she always scoffs at the idea.

 

 

I really would like to pursue a long term relationship with her I just don't know how her bestie will fit in the picture.

 

It would you her and the bestie always. He will be there for her when she feels the need to go and have coffee with him. I had a woman let's call her Sherry had such a older man in her life. But this guy turned out to be more than friends with her. He told his family Sherry was his new GF. She told me it was just close friends. Some people would say they were having sex for money. I say nothing like that. When I came into picture I told her to block him off her FB account and she did, and when he found out he cried. After we had broken up she added her bestie back on FB. Gone out for coffee he came over to her place and played the guitar. To her child he was Uncle. So what I would say pay close attention to what she does with the bestie. Are you allowed to go out with them and have coffee? Does he come over hwne your there?

 

My Ex Sherry Bestie wouldn't come around only when I had traveled back to my house would he appear. Her prior Ex BF didn't like the fact she had bestie either. Something you have to deal with but you don't have the right to tell her to get rid of him because he'll always be lurking around in the background somewhere.