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Money control?


Wattstress

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Wattstress

New here folks. I'd like some outside opinions on a relationship concern I experienced. Been dating a woman now for about 8 months now. We do not live with each other but we have your usual date nights, casually going out, seeing friends and taking a few weekend road trips. We have split the costs of our excursions: one weekend I'm paying and the next weekend, she'll pay. We both live comfortably within our means so I've not seen any money issues yet.

 

Very recently, I just bought a new place, made a car payment and paid towards a school loan I am still paying. Getting my new place caused me to get a little low on my funds so for our next date, I asked if we could just go on a 'cheap' date our next time out. After sharing some suggestions we just decided to go out to a reasonably priced venue and enjoy a evening of chat. Up to this point, she had not objected to such a quiet night out so I was unaware this was going to be a problem.

 

Upon returning to her place, I was invited in to have a Netflix night and I agreed. It was then she asked me if I was 'controlling' with my money and I didn't understand so I asked her to explain her meaning. She deflected and then carried off as to how me taking her on such a 'cheap' date was both disrespectful and insulting to her. I admit this admission caught me off guard and took me a moment to search for an answer. When I did answer, I asked her how am I being disrespectful? She then said that it is indicative that I don't think she's worthy enough.

 

Now I felt defeated and in response I said that if me taking her out on a 'cheap' date is disrespectful, then perhaps we need to stop and rethink where we stand on this relationship. This angered her and she then demanded that I leave and to 'just go away'. We haven't spoken now for about 3 days because of this and would like to know what are some of the opinions and suggestions some others might have?

Thanks.

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Did you tell her your funds were low and that the reason for the cheap date was because you had no money left atm to spend on expensive dates?

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Wattstress

Yes, I explained this to her beforehand. She knows I had bought a new place and she was even with me when I signed the papers and everything else. Before this 'cheap' date, I showed her my account and my posted transactions as to what I spent and just wanted a cheap night out while I recharge.

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New here folks. I'd like some outside opinions on a relationship concern I experienced. Been dating a woman now for about 8 months now. <snip>

 

WOW!!! -- At eight months, she should be past the whole "wining and dining" phase. It's expensive to go out all the time and you have made some big leaps financially that actually indicate fiscal acuity/responsibility. She's not looking at the big picture with you that's for sure.

 

She sounds like a petulant, selfish, demanding, myopic, gold digger . . . as a woman, I find her behavior/attitude to be an embarrassment.

 

Call her and tell her you are moving on . . .

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This is all on her....she should know that your funds are a little low now.

 

Outside the weekend trips, how often does she pay for dates? The fact you bought a new place should be reason for her to pay for the date.

 

The other thing that jumps out---

 

If ou had been going on for 8 months why did you buy a new place?? This could be the underlying issue.

 

It would make more sense to wait and buy a new place together as a couple instead of what you bought.

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Yes, I agree with the post above, it's possible that she's hurt because she's thinking that you would be moving things forward toward a more serious relationship -- i.e living together/engagement. And, that would be fine. However, if that is the case, her ability to communicate SUCKS!!!! And, that would be the crux of whether or not you would continue with her. Effective and clear/transparent communication is the foundation of a good relationship. If that is the case, she thinks you're a mind-reader . . .

 

That being said, since you aren't thinking this way, you're not at the point with her anyway. Don't let her manipulate you into doing something you're not ready for.

 

Turning away for 3 days and pouting like a child does not a good partner make.

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I don't know. I mean, you've maintained some high level of dates so far, and maybe she just got mad that your income isn't high enough to absorb a huge hit, and you won't be able to maintain her high need for $5000 purses some time in the future when she lands you as a husband. Personally, I'd be super happy with some snacks, sofa, and Netflix or Redbox, especially in light of the financial hit, which was quite a substantial hit. These things are reality, and when you don't have the disposable income, you need to buckle down and cut some corners. Based on your description, I'm guessing your "cheap" accommodations were still rather plush.

 

You can't maintain her expected lifestyle, so she bailed. Eight months is a lot of time to dig for gold, and I'm sorry you got yourself invested, but if she's ignoring you and having herself a temper tantrum over this, good riddance.

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Yes, I explained this to her beforehand. She knows I had bought a new place and she was even with me when I signed the papers and everything else. Before this 'cheap' date, I showed her my account and my posted transactions as to what I spent and just wanted a cheap night out while I recharge.

 

I don't think you did anything wrong then.

Could any of your transactions have upset her?

"Plenty of money to do x y and z but not enough to take me out", sort of attitude...

Maybe she had a controlling ex and this was a trigger for her.

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Wattstress
This is all on her....she should know that your funds are a little low now.

 

Outside the weekend trips, how often does she pay for dates? The fact you bought a new place should be reason for her to pay for the date.

 

The other thing that jumps out---

 

If ou had been going on for 8 months why did you buy a new place?? This could be the underlying issue.

 

It would make more sense to wait and buy a new place together as a couple instead of what you bought.

 

I bought a new place because I had been renting for the last 3 years and wanted to/was ready to take the leap to owning/maintaining my own home. She lives in a condo community and at the time I was first was getting to know her/before we really dated, she had completed a new 2 year lease in her current place. I did discuss with her a few months back that I was in the market in buying a house as my lease was ending in June and was ready to take the leap. We did briefly discuss future living arrangements but she did state that this was a discussion in which we should wait for until her 2-yr lease was ending. We never seriously discussed this again. She had been very encouraging in helping me find a place and was with me on some of my house tours, giving insight and suggesting questions/what to look for. She seemed seriously involved.

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Text her and thank her for showing you her true colors before you got more seriously involved. Tell her it appears you can't afford her.

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Wattstress
I don't think you did anything wrong then.

Could any of your transactions have upset her?

"Plenty of money to do x y and z but not enough to take me out", sort of attitude...

Maybe she had a controlling ex and this was a trigger for her.

 

Well, my expenditures consisted of my last months rent, my down payment on a new home, a school loan, a car payment, car insurance, and another knickknacks such as groceries, phone, some clothes, etc. but nothing wasteful really. I showed her my expenditures and she seemed like she understood then (before our 'cheap' date). In getting to know her, she did have a LTR/ lived with a guy in which she admitted she felt 'isolated' and 'small'.

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Text her and thank her for showing you her true colors before you got more seriously involved. Tell her it appears you can't afford her.

This^^^^ IMO you are dodging a huge bullet. Her attitude....dealbreaker. Obviously she is not understanding and hasn't got a kind generous heart. She is self entitled and bases her value on money spent. Nut Job. Run away as fast as you can my friend.

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Wattstress
I don't know. I mean, you've maintained some high level of dates so far, and maybe she just got mad that your income isn't high enough to absorb a huge hit, and you won't be able to maintain her high need for $5000 purses some time in the future when she lands you as a husband. Personally, I'd be super happy with some snacks, sofa, and Netflix or Redbox, especially in light of the financial hit, which was quite a substantial hit. These things are reality, and when you don't have the disposable income, you need to buckle down and cut some corners. Based on your description, I'm guessing your "cheap" accommodations were still rather plush.

 

You can't maintain her expected lifestyle, so she bailed. Eight months is a lot of time to dig for gold, and I'm sorry you got yourself invested, but if she's ignoring you and having herself a temper tantrum over this, good riddance.

 

 

Our 'cheap' date consisted of a $50 dollar meal between the two of us at a Olive Garden. LOL. When she invited me for a night of Netflix and then accused me of being disrespectful because I was cheap it seemed she was pulling a double standard. That's why I felt confused at first in answering her. When I did, I suggested we should step back and rethink where we stand in this relationship, she went berserk and I left as requested.

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OP you did nothing wrong, you are responsible and have a good head on your shoulders...please don't waste that on her.

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she admitted she felt 'isolated' and 'small'. -- She may very well have been in a relationship that was controlling/abusive. If that is the case, you don't want to be her shrink or test dummy for coming out from that. Her response kinda indicates that she's overcompensating for that scenario and you are experiencing the push back and you don't deserve to be paying for the sins of her Ex.

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Ugh??? How is that cheap date. I thought you went to sit and chat in Starbucks or shared one McDonalds meal when 'I saw cheap date'...

 

I was in similar situation. At 1.5 years of dating my ex I wanted to buy a home, and was saving for it respectively. But my ex was feeling entitled to make me go out at least once if not twice a week, where I was paying at least half of the times. It worn me out and I was growing resentful. After we broke up I bought my home. He called again to 'try dating' and in this second time around, I realized I'm spending ton of money for going out with him AGAIN, although he was aware that I'm shelling nearly all my cash savings for the house... It wasn't meant to be.

 

I'm about to start dating again and scared to death to encounter similar guy. He wasn't unfair (he would contribute to our outings as well), but he never understood that going out was straining me financially at time when I needed money most...

 

 

Our 'cheap' date consisted of a $50 dollar meal between the two of us at a Olive Garden. LOL. When she invited me for a night of Netflix and then accused me of being disrespectful because I was cheap it seemed she was pulling a double standard. That's why I felt confused at first in answering her. When I did, I suggested we should step back and rethink where we stand in this relationship, she went berserk and I left as requested.
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goldenlotus

If everything was fine up until that point, I wouldn't let this deter you from a relationship with her. Yeah, she didn't behave well. Yes, the whole thing seems unkind and mercenary from your perspective. It might be worth having a discussion about this with her and explaining your point of view and asking for hers.

 

The only thing I can think of is that for some people, going to a chain restaurant can seem low class. In that case, it's not the amount of money being spent but the fact that it's at a chain restaurant. I'm not debating the merits of that attitude, but I find a lot of people do have that notion when they live in a bigger city and have lots of options for dining. If you are used to going to different, cool places and then your sig other brings you to applebees it can feel offputting at first. If she makes a comfortable living, she may have preferred to have paid for a different location or tried a cool bar or stayed in to cook rather than going to Olive Garden.

 

In any case, she seems like she has been supportive of you otherwise, so take this opportunity to have a conversation about your financial expectations and communication during fights. No reason to break up when it could possibly be resolved with a conversation.

 

And in the future, don't immediately bring out the big guns regarding 'taking a break' when she brings up a complaint, even if you are unhappy with the complaint she's making. After 8 months that situation deserved a conversation and not threatening a breakup. I'd start with apologizing for that when you speak with her.

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Arieswoman

Wattstress,

IMO she was totally unreasonable.

 

If this is how she reacts when funds get tight, how would she deal with raising a family with only one wage coming in and loads of expenses?

 

She's a spoilt entitled diva IMO and an embarrassment to us genuine females.

 

Time to walk, methinks.

 

I'm sorry x

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Ugh??? How is that cheap date. I thought you went to sit and chat in Starbucks or shared one McDonalds meal when 'I saw cheap date'...

 

 

Yes, but this is 8 months in, there is no need to keep splashing the cash especially when there is more important stuff like buying houses to consider.

It may even be seen by some as "coupley" and romantic to share a McDonald's meal when funds are tight. "We are in this together" type of thing. I would guess there are plenty of calories in one meal to keep both of them going anyway,

 

I do not like her attitude at all.

Even if triggered by her ex, there is no need to sulk for 3 days over a $25 meal.

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TheFinalWord
I bought a new place because I had been renting for the last 3 years and wanted to/was ready to take the leap to owning/maintaining my own home. She lives in a condo community and at the time I was first was getting to know her/before we really dated, she had completed a new 2 year lease in her current place. I did discuss with her a few months back that I was in the market in buying a house as my lease was ending in June and was ready to take the leap. We did briefly discuss future living arrangements but she did state that this was a discussion in which we should wait for until her 2-yr lease was ending. We never seriously discussed this again. She had been very encouraging in helping me find a place and was with me on some of my house tours, giving insight and suggesting questions/what to look for. She seemed seriously involved.

 

She probably thinks that you are not really that serious with her and that at 8 months you would not be buying a new place if you see a future with her, or at the very least she probably thinks you could have included her more in the decision. Could you have continued to rent this place or did you have to buy it? Just my initial thought. Hard to tell without more background information. BTW I'm not saying there is anything wrong with your decisions, just that she may have a particular interpretation of these events.

 

If your decision to purchase does not matter to her, and she really is annoyed by the inexpensive date, I would say that you two may not be that compatible (life is going to get a lot harder than that), but my guess is there is something about your decision to buy that is really at the bottom of things.

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I more than agree, I was just commenting that their date wasn't even cheap.

 

I'd be thrilled to go share a sub in the park with a guy I really like.

 

I think this woman has a distorted sense of reality and I suspect, is very immature...

 

Yes, but this is 8 months in, there is no need to keep splashing the cash especially when there is more important stuff like buying houses to consider.

It may even be seen by some as "coupley" and romantic to share a McDonald's meal when funds are tight. "We are in this together" type of thing. I would guess there are plenty of calories in one meal to keep both of them going anyway,

 

I do not like her attitude at all.

Even if triggered by her ex, there is no need to sulk for 3 days over a $25 meal.

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It was then she asked me if I was 'controlling' with my money and I didn't understand so I asked her to explain her meaning. She deflected...

 

I bet she deflected! :laugh:

 

It's projection. What she really means is that she wants more control over your finances. She thinks the way to get it is to punish you with shame tactics, then with withdrawing affection.

 

Been going out 8 months, and she throws a tantrum over one date that didn't cost hundreds....

 

I find it best to start off with inexpensive early dates, and then build up over time. Filters out people with this crappy attitude, and stops them from getting carried away.

 

Don't jump to her demands, or she'll run you ragged.

 

Women like this drip drip drip their manipulation like Japanese water torture to put you in a bad position by degrees. Before you know it, you'll wonder "how on earth did I get to a position where I'm afraid to buy a television without her permission?".

 

Maintain the boundary.

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Text her and thank her for showing you her true colors before you got more seriously involved. Tell her it appears you can't afford her.

 

This^^^^ IMO you are dodging a huge bullet. Her attitude....dealbreaker. Obviously she is not understanding and hasn't got a kind generous heart. She is self entitled and bases her value on money spent. Nut Job. Run away as fast as you can my friend.

 

yep and yep

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WaitingForBardot

/..snip../

 

And in the future, don't immediately bring out the big guns regarding 'taking a break' when she brings up a complaint, even if you are unhappy with the complaint she's making. After 8 months that situation deserved a conversation and not threatening a breakup. I'd start with apologizing for that when you speak with her.

Without disagreeing with the other posters, I am with goldenlotus here: I do think you seriously escalated things with your taking a break comment, and perhaps unnecessarily.

 

She may have been beating around the bush about, and getting around to, what the real (perhaps minor) issue was, and in response you call your 8-mo relationship into question. I'd have walked myself under those circumstances, although to be fair I also wouldn't have been beating around the bush to begin with.

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