GF secretive when she goes out

[anonymousbear00101100]

My girlfriend and I have been together nearly a year. We met in college and now we live together. I'm a year older than her. We have really great communication most of the time and we solve our problems fairly well. When we're together, our relationship is great. The best I've ever been in.

 

That being said we don't live in the same state and every few months she goes home to hang out with her friends for a couple weeks.

 

This is not the main problem. The problem is that, since I'm not from where she's from, I don't know any of of her friends or anything about what she does. And when I ask, she gives me the least amount of details possible. Its always really secretive which makes me suspicious. I'll ask what she's doing just out of curiosity and she replies with "I'm with my friends" but won't tell me who they are or what they're doing.

 

I can handle that on its own but every once in a while something happens. Over winter break we had an argument about her texting her ex and she said she'd stop talking to him. Then after break I found out that her and friend had gone over to his house and she never told me. She tried to keep it a secret and her friend forgot and accidentally told me.

 

A few weeks ago on vacation, one of her guy friends from home Snapchatted her asking her for a picture of her ass. She said he'd never done anything like that before and then deleted him, but still it bothered me.

 

She claims she never did anything wrong and I believe that she has not and will not cheat on me. But I never put her in situations where she might question what I'm doing or who I'm with. I don't text other girls or hang out with groups of them because I know she gets really jealous. I don't go to big music festivals with a bunch of girls because I know she wouldn't like that.

 

But when I tell her this she gets really upset and says that she never gets to see her friends. She says she would never cheat on me or do anything so that I should stop worrying. And I do really trust her, I just don't like the way she always puts me in uncomfortable positions.

 

So I guess my question is do I just keep quiet while she is out doing whatever she does? Or should I tell her it really bothers me?

[smackie9]

I guess you take her word for it because she isn't going to tell you any different whether you tell her or not.

[Gaeta]

How can you tell us the story of a girlfirend who lies about talking to her ex and being caught visiting that ex! Then you stand in front of us and say you know she has done nothing wrong.

 

She did something wrong. She lied and decieved you.

 

What do we usually do with liars?

[basil67]

When she goes to hang out with her friends, are the trips accompanied by group photos on social media? I'd be looking for evidence that she's doing what she says she's doing.

[Marc878]

She would never cheat on me are famous last words.

 

You're on here for a reason.

[Maggie4]

You're kind of all over the place, and your gf doesn't take you seriously. You'll just be brushed off as being generally controlling and insecure, but you'll stay anyway.

 

You need to pick your battles. So she knows you mean it. I would do "no ex's" and absolutely no compromise on that one, but friends from home ok (unless it's an ex from home), no questioning her on that one.

 

You are in an exclusive relationship, so no contact with the ex, or else it's over. She has already failed you once, but you seem to want to give her another chance. Ok, but you must let her know which issues are non-negotiable. Then you must also ease up on other things.

[Bastile]

To me, the ex-boyfriend thing is zero tolerance. If she wants to message him, lie about it, and then spend time in his place, I'd be reconsidering whether the relationship is exclusive or how seriously I took it.

 

Obviously you live with her though.... don't think that was wise.

 

She's also mates with men who want her to send dirty pictures

 

This really a woman you want to get married to, the future mother of your children?

 

The cheek is that you will actually get people like this nagging you for an engagement down the line... I've had this sort of thing myself. She isn't anywhere near the required quality, yet will try to escalate the relationship.

 

You'd be smart to not allow it to get any more out of hand.

[basil67]

This ex boyfriend of hers.....is he part of their friendship group? If so, seeing him as part of the group would be unavoidable.

[anonymousbear00101100]

This ex boyfriend of hers.....is he part of their friendship group? If so, seeing him as part of the group would be unavoidable.

 

He is one of her friend's friends. Which is why she ended up at his house one night. I believe her when she says nothing happened but I told her if she ever talked to him again I'd be done. That was in the first month of us dating and she hasn't talked to him since.

 

To add, I am her first serious boyfriend. She briefly dated two other guys, like the one she visited, in high school. I've had a multi year relationship before and she hasn't. She's said that she didn't realize how bad she'd messed up because she'd never been in a relationship before.

 

She has lots of friends, and a few of them are guys. Which is fine, there's nothing weird about that. But she hangs out with her girl friends who want to hang out with groups of guys, and I don't know who any of them are and if they've hooked up. And whenever I ask she thinks I'm trying to control her when I'm really just curious.

[d0nnivain]

Transparency is important in a relationship. One of the reasons she's so jealous is that she knows she's doing wrong when she goes out so she expects that you are also behaving dishonorably.

 

 

Lying to you about her EX is a big deal. I see EXs every so often; never by choice. I always tell my husband. Recently, I was upset about a work thing & one of my EXs who is in the same field was able to help me get past it. My husband had not been able to give me insight because he didn't really understand the problem. He knew I was upset but couldn't help. The EX was able to. I made sure to tell DH about the interaction & assure him that while I was grateful to the EX I don't for 1 second regret the end of my relationship with the EX or my wonderful marriage.

 

 

Do you see the difference between my behavior & that of your GF?

 

 

Talk to her about transparency & tell her if she doesn't start being more forthcoming she needs to find a new place to live come September when school starts up again. I honestly think she is only faithful to you when you are on campus together.

[Bastile]

Well, you said she gets very jealous herself, and it seems that the most basic empathy would suggest she knows better how to conduct herself.

 

That's without going into experience of standards of conduct - which can be described as anecdotal. Just simple logic.

 

Not buying "this is my first serious relationship", personally.

 

One thing you can learn from this thread, either way, is to stop bothering about her friends. Whether that be from indifference which comes from deescalation of the relationship, or whether it be from an acceptance that this is what you'll take going forward.

 

Getting reframed as a "nag", or "controlling" is never much fun. It's not very effective, either.

[BluesPower]

You young man are being weak and foolish with this girl. Just like a lot of young guys with very little experience.

 

You have absolutely no idea what she did when she was at home. And you know that she has already lied to you about several things.

 

Further, she is evasive about what and who she is doing things with. So she is not so inexperienced to know that she should not tell you what she is doing. Why do you think that is????

 

Because she was banging her ex and who knows who else. Look you got a young girl that is going home and parting with her old friends and just ends up at his house.

 

Come one man, do I need to write you a novel.

 

So you need to dump her yesterday and stay out of relationships until you can have a grown up one. This girl is not it. She is at the stage of life that is she is parting and wants to bang a guy she will.

 

She has already proven that she has not respect for you by lying and being evasive. You are just the cute little boyfriend at school that she can bang when she wants too.

 

So dump her and if you have to be in a R then find a girl that is ready to settle down.

 

And before you say, "Oh man, how can you say that and know that".

 

Because I am a Grown A** man and I have been around the block more than once.

 

So just listen and move on from this girl...

[smackie9]

She's young, and inexperienced. She needs more time dating, and maturing. IMO she isn't ready for a relationship. She wants to keep doing what she is doing, having fun with her friends, exploring new interactions with others. She's not the one for you.

 

You can't force her or make her into an ideal GF. She is the way she is. You don't like what she is doing when she is out with her friends, and it makes you uncomfortable. It would be in your best interest to just find another GF and stop wasting your time, worrying, monitoring her every move, questioning her interactions, etc. She's not going to change.

[dumbass2]

A " friend" and nothing more doesn't ask for a picture of your ass. She's lying about more than you want to believe. She broke your trust already so I can't blame you for being suspicious. The problem is that this issue isn't going away by itself so I think you have two choices. You no longer question or worry what she does and fully trust her or you just make it clear that her actions are causing a problem for you and let her know what you need without coming off too needy or controlling. That may be difficult to do but if you want to try and make this work you need a serious heart to heart with her. I'm not sure you'll be able to get past her lying about her ex because her actions will continue to cast doubt about her honesty.

[Poutrew]

You, my friend, are the nice guy she gets to play with when she is at home pretending to be a good girl. And she cant even hold it together for more than a few weeks at a time before she has to ditch you to go out with her friends to get her real groove on. Seriously, do you think she is being evasive because she is bible reading with her pals? You already have clues enough to know what's going on, else you wouldn't be here. If she really loved you, she would invite you along and be totally transparent with her activities. And, to top it all off she has a meltdown if you do the same thing back to her... because she knows what she is doing behind your back and she wont tolerate being so disrespected by YOU!

 

You should have dropped this girl off at the city dump the first time she tried to pull this shyt on you, but it is not too late to do so now...

[SwordofFlame]

If she really loved you, she would invite you along and be totally transparent with her activities

 

Exactly this. Why hasn't she invited you to go along and hang out with her friends? I'm not saying you need to go every time, but the fact that you're completely clueless about who they are and what she is doing with them doesn't bode well at all. There is no good reason for that.